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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#30: July 01, 2020, 05:17:53 AM
Hi Benson,

Re, telling to people...   Even though the "standard" relationship advice is keep things of marriage inside marriage, I would say that one of the best decisions I made was getting out of closet and letting people around me know whats happening. For the first few months it was just my family and one really close friends, then I expanded the circle bit more telling few more friends, and then more friends, until upon decision of divorce I allowed everyone in my life know what's happening.....   The thing is... the more you tell, the more support you will get.  Many people will come in and share their own stories. Many people will touch you if you let them touch you. Many will express and show support one way or another (like helping with kids).... But for it to happen, you must share them your story and let them support & love you. They have no obligation to do so, but many will.  Some will take sides, some will not interfere, but that's okey too. Life has happened to so many of them, and they all are paying-it-forward to best of their abilities. 

Re staying in house....  absolutely and definitely do not leave until you two have made some kind of legally binding division of assets in black&white.  What happens then is really a matter of what you think will be best for your future.  Everyone's story is different so there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

And like Tinnat wrote, this dark cloud has got an amazing silver lining.  You will grow beyond everything you've ever thought, and eventually you will reach a situation where you know you will not just survive but thrive no matter what. But it's a really long journey.

Take good care of yourself and be grateful of the small things in your life. That is best you can do for now.

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

W
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#31: July 01, 2020, 05:48:30 AM
Hi Benson

I have nothing to add except listen to the vets in here as their advice has really seen me through the last 15 months of well far too many wtf moments then I can list in here, without the great people here I seriously think I would have considered myself the one going crazy rather than my wife. The craziness seems to have stopped for me now at least for awhile as she's a total vanisher and for me it's probably better that way. Time has been a great healer although I am still standing at the start of this it was the time frames that scared me the most but it passes and we grow stronger bit by bit ever so slowly almost unnoticeable at times. Sometimes one step forwards two steps back but slowly ever so slowly we grow.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#32: July 01, 2020, 06:54:32 AM
Very few people know but three people 1 W and 2M have all cried when told. The 2 guys said they thought we were the image of happy family and marriage . The tears really touched me bu5 also reminded me  just how crazy her actions are.

This was our situation too. The very few close friends who knew cried when we told them and said "out of all the couples we thought would get separated, you were at the bottom". 

Ultimately I'm not sure NOT telling more people was ideal, particularly when it turned out that he had been having an affair (which he thought was going to be his new life).  Perhaps had I told more people he'd have been exposed and thus the secretiveness of the affair - such a central part of most affairs - gets shattered and he'd have been shaken out of the 'bubble life' he was living with the new person.  I know your situation is different and there is no third person as far as you can see, so the above may not apply to you. 

At any rate, not telling more than a handful of people is going to be EXTREMELY taxing on you. So how do you think telling people is going to affect her or the situation negatively?    If you think this is likely to be a marathon, as indeed it is likely to be, I would be telling friends and family so that they can support you. You're going to need all the emotional and mental support you can get.    It is then up to you who to listen to - there will be plenty of armchair psychologists who will come up with "just leave her", "I never thought she was good for you",  etc-type of comments, and others who will understand you completely and simply stand by your side. But you listen to your gut, and you will be just fine. 
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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#33: July 03, 2020, 12:35:40 AM
Thanks everyone ,
I look forward to reading your comments at the end of each day. The wisdom is keeping me calm and helping me think clearer.
Alvin I notice in your bio you have 5 kids and imagine that adds a real tough element. My two are teenagers and the B 17 was just asking his mum why she ran late to pick him up. He told her that he likes to be a professional at Rugby training and is always on time. Tha.t bit made me laugh but he then added that you seem to be acting like a 14 year old these days always racing out to have drinks with friends. Why don’t you just have a wine at home like you did before.  I starting to see how the carnage develops now . As the spouse you at least have the adult understanding that some things in life do end in tears. As a kid who has always had a reliable M who has always acted responsively this new MLC phase must really stand out. I am beginning to see the complete self focus and ruthless aim to achieve her personal goals at any cost. Even spent thousand on new furniture for her own bedroom a week before dropping bomb and asking me to leave. Now that’s calculating and cold to a person who has only ever given her his best.   I have a feeling the next few months will be a bit of a circus so I am getting ready for the crazy stuff.  :o

Thanks again I am finding the forum a great space to visit and research , think and grow in my understanding.
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B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#34: July 04, 2020, 01:29:26 AM
Hi Everyone,

Thank you so much for all the feedback as it has armed me well to be ready for the random events. I had mentioned early that we hadn’t yet told my little one about separation. As my W was trying to set up a lunch tommorrow with her Brother and his partner all came out. She invited my daughter with the explanation that Dad didn’t want to come and when D15 was confused and said what was going on it all came out. I was at the office but had to drive home straight away to deal with The carnage. One hour gap which allowed W to give her version but seemed that she told most of the truths. We talked for two hours and for a little while I spotted the girl that I married but walked away with no doubt the full MLC W is in play. Daughter is beyond devastated and S17 sees right through all the  MLC behaviour and has expressed that she is acting like a 15 year old to the W s face.   3 weeks on I am sure glad I have stayed in the house as she has gone from you must leave this week  to  how about we get a second place and alternate one week each. I am still thinking I will investigate buying her out as I feel very vulnerable that the MLC spending and radical behaviour will be coming for me. Have also decided to get my pay paid into a separate account this month as Old Pilot was so right about spending money like water going over Niagara Falls. Even spent 2700 on furniture for her bedroom the week prior to bomb drop.  ( that just blew me away) I thought it was very excessive prior to BD but did my normal if it makes you happy type attitude. That man has gone for this  MLC W .
Other then that I have seen lots of 200, 240,400 transfers to the credit card in Ws name over the last few weeks. This is to pay for an upcoming wend away with girlfriends. Plus to cover the two additional nights out she has with GF. I do believe it is with a GF as she posts images of where they are on FB. Not  that I would rule a secret emotional or physical affair going on a with a workmate but she definitely has limited time and opportunities.  So to sum up. Although I am still in major emotional pain I feel like my plan of staying to process and think more clearly is working.
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5
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#35: July 04, 2020, 05:23:57 AM
Hang in there Benson, you appear to be a logical thinker but this stuff shakes you up to your core.  In the beginning you will see signs of the W you know and love.  You will think oh happy day she is back!!! The next day or even the next hour she will be gone again.  It is still very early for you, a couple of things i have experienced or heard that help me:

At this very early time of the MLC discovery the pain and confusion is like being under some type of anesthesia for  YOU a temporary loss of sensation or awareness.... i suggest you give yourself some time to clear your thoughts before you make any life changing decisions.

A quote i personally use as guidance "it will get worse before it gets better".

Take care of yourself first and be strong for your children cuz it WILL affect them no matter how old they are.  You won't truly  know what to expect from day to day. There is no true timeline for the MLC progression. So don't set any expectations that will hurt or disappoint you or your children.

Theses are just my humble observations and tools i have learned.
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G
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#36: July 04, 2020, 06:12:58 AM
I'm sorry you and your children are hurting. Your poor D to find out that way. I'm glad u were able to make it home to support her.
My H is not a spender but we arein the process of separating our accounts too. It's hard. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking of the months... years ahead!
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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#37: July 04, 2020, 06:14:05 AM
Hi Benson, sorry to hear about your situation and glad you found this forum.

This forum was my saviour, I didn't know how to react and probably didn't handle it well back then. I moved out fast because i was really upset and I wasn't thinking straight, it was my home too but he made OW1/OW2 the priority. The moving out made me grow up faster, I moved out from home and in with the MLCer and moved countries together, so never actually lived on my own before. But I wished I had stayed put longer, MLCer wanted to be 'single', well YOU move out then, why me...

Stay out of social media - it's baaaad. All the snooping around got me hurt bad. But all the 'happiness' on social media are mostly fake, so don't dwell so much on it. Social media is fake anyway.

Hope you have a support network around you, close friends and family. I didn't tell a lot of my friends as it's a personal matter, but MLCer went posting on FB like a h0rny teenage boy. Some friends will pick sides, that's normal and you will know which friends are worth keeping. My MLCer was spending money like crazy too, and spending an awful lot of time on his phone. I stayed away from WhatsApp and FB. Sometimes glimpses of your old wife will appear, but they do boomerang back and forth often, it's a long journey ahead :(
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Together since 2009, 7.5 years
- PA with OW1 09/15 (BD1)
- EA with OW2 02/16 (BD2)
I moved out 07/16..

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#38: July 05, 2020, 02:05:58 AM
Hi Spock,GF9 and 5 HIL,

Thanks for your comments. I look forward each day to reading a different perspective or small hint from forum members. I have re read all the comments and tips each day and used the links and advice that OldPilot and UM gave me in the first few days. I am finding it interesting how perceptive my two teenagers are. Although W originally had the easy plan of throwing me out after a joint statement explaining that people grow apart and we will all be a family bla,bla,bla it hasn’t really played out that way. My beautiful kids S17 and D 15 have both asked very direct and calm questions so the majority of the truth has come out. My D to me in front of her M said Dad were you expecting this to happen? Were you shocked and how are you?   She then burst into tears and hugged me.. When I told my son that everything would be ok and remember you M is a wonderful M and has always been there for you 100% of the time. He said sure I know that but I am watching a slow motion video of M trying to act like a teenager hanging out her silliest friend. He said I am the one that is 17 isn’t my turn and should she just be a solid M.

When the news was broke to my D yesterday I took the chance to say t9 her that in the first 10 years of your life honey you never heard a single fight between your M and I and we have always had love and puppies and great holidays and christmases so I want you to see relationship as beautiful things and as you get a little older only have optimism for anything that you have with a partner. Your M and I would no5 have had these amazing memories and years and two unbelievably wonderful children if we had not approached our marriage with open hearts. My D seemed to get that but It also gave me a chance to say that in some families the kids grow up with a lot of turmoil and anger and at some point during their lives it c9mes back to get them. That was my wife’s childhood and I am no5 sure but I think she go5 the message I was trying to deliver. When adults are reckless and cruel in front of kids it damages them irreversibly. My own Dad had the toughest of starts to his life and was born in the Australian outback and quickly ended up an orphan of the Great Depression. He and his brothers were then sent to a cruel boys home so he could not have had a tougher start to life. When war years arrived he was sent at 14 to become a jackaroo in the Australia outback which is like being a wrangler. At some point he moved back to the city and married a gentle Christian woman which really made his life. I  only tell that story to say that a man like that has every reason to be hard and tough on his kids but he never raised a hand to me and was the most gentle and loving D that I could of had. I do think kids carry any scars they have to the grave and I believe my Ws childhood pain has come back to get our marriage and break my beautiful little family into pieces.sorry for rambling a bit here guys but am emotional about how this could effect my D as she is a deep thinking quiet and gentle child. In closing the only other thing I will tell you is that I have been enjoying the series Yellow Stone that Kevin Kostner stars in and I have been trying to embody the tough range owner he 0lays (John Dutton) when I communicate with my W. It’s my nature to give her everything and always be loving but with that character in my armoury I am toughening up and drawing a lot more lines in the sand. I am not sure I will be a stander but I do intend to come out of this wit( my pride and my finances as intact as they can be. NOT LEAVING My HOME Is the mantra I keep saying under my breath.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#39: July 05, 2020, 06:56:03 AM
Hi there Benson, you WILL come out of this with your pride!  May be a few bumps and scrapes but dignity and pride is within our control. 

You mention your conversation with your young daughter, it does truly depend on their personality type.  Today is my H's birthday, first one in 40 years we have not celebrated together with family and friends.  I have my own plans to text him later on but what i did not plan on was receiving a message from my oldest D36 who lives in Italy.  Of my three children she is a mirror image of her father yet she is the angriest.

D36 asked when is her Dad planning on returning since he has left his responsibilities and it has been 6 months since he left.  My children are well educated and we have talked about the MLC.  It is just that my oldest does not buy it.  This is affecting all of my children D36, D32 and S31 but they all are dealing with it differently. My S31 stays in contact with his Dad and refuses to let him slip away.  The two youngest call their Dad together often.  They have set up a whatsApp weekly call and do what they call a "kid chat" only the three kids.  My D32 tells me my oldest gets pretty heated, but that is her personality. My point for this long post is to say that for me once i feel i can ride the storm with H personally another cloud blows in from a different direction. Stay tuned into your children's feelings, i feel when they appear the most accepting can sometimes be when they need you most.  80/20 rule if you are giving something or someone 80% of your attention you can possibly miss the 20% that needs you.  Take care, i am following your posts.
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