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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#40: July 06, 2020, 02:50:38 AM
Thanks  5 HIL,

It’s nice to know people are following the posts. What you said abou5 first birthday in 40 years that you haven’t celebrated is real heartbreaking. I figure the age of the kids is really just a number as the adults separating are still just Mum and Dad. I really feel for you and it sounds like your eldest D is socking it to your H  on behalf of all of you. Sweet that you will send him a text for Bday and you never kno2 it could be the one little thing that cracks his armour.

After finding out on Saturday my 15 year old D seems she’ll shocked. She was left all alone today at home as both W and I had to work. I came home early to a withdrawn and quiet  child and an immaculate home. You see my little one is neat perfectionist who has been battling an eating disorder. I figure she thinks if she makes the house beyond perfect and hangs out all the washing and cooks a nice meal it could fix everything. As a Dad what breaks my heart the most is that I can fix this for my little girls. This is completely and totally out of my control. My worst fear is having read a bit on here now it’s going to get worse before it gets an6 better.  My hardworking apprentice son is coming home and going to bed on the pretence that he is very tired. So we basically have a comfortable large home that was once filled with laughter and now everyone just goes up to their bedrooms and either sleeps or watch’es shows on their iPads.   I feel like I have been coping ok myself but I lose it when I think about the kids and what this is doing to our once happy family. I am praying that a God will step in and somehow fix this but my feeling is that it is probably happening for a reason and we will have to endure pain for quite a while yet.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#41: July 06, 2020, 11:43:11 AM
Yes Benson for sure GOD has a plan.  But as we say we just want to fix everything and bring our happy families all back together.  I completely understand, i am a process engineer, mother, wife and now a grandma, a fixer of all.  That was until the MLC storm opened up.

I cannot say i fully understand eating disorders but two of my children and now my H have went through depression.  It is tough to always keep yourself strong and stay in front of what's coming next.  Keep reading, look into the forum resources, there are ex MLC'rs who share their experience through the MLC journey/tunnel.  I am reading one now that provides info. on what they were feeling and how they just did not care one way or another about the left behind spouse.

As far as my oldest D she is a bit mindful, stubborn and not open minded to things that anger her. Since she does not buy into the MLC I am trying to disengage her a bit. Clearly how i am trying to demonstrate my support for her Dad is not working.  So i must use a different approach as to how i will discuss her Dad with her the future.

As far as the birthday text it did open up a lot of texting from H.  He talked about being scared of the Covid virus for quite a while. He is worried and always tells me to take care of the family.  I sensed sadness in his texts to me but heard how happy he was when the two younger kids called and did some face time with him.

It was suggested i start reaching out to him a little at a time.  So i am starting to dip my toes in the water (no expectations).

Wishing you the very best and keeping you in my prayers.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#42: July 06, 2020, 12:29:31 PM
Benson, my suggestion is for you to engage the children. Go to their rooms and have a chat about something fun or interesting, or engage them in a game of some sort, individually or together. My S then 15 and I played "Keep talking and nobody explodes", went Geocaching, played Nancy Drew computer games. I didn't take up much of his time, maybe a few hours here and there, but it kept the lines of communication open and also kept all of our interactions from being the boring day to day stuff or morose. for D then 18, we chatted on Skype, watched TV programs together and sometimes played games.

Make sure the kids understand that no matter what, YOU are going to be there for them. Don't just say it, live it.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#43: July 07, 2020, 03:50:47 AM
Thanks off road. I am doing that and it’s great advise. The kids are literally seeing their Mum disappear before their eyes. When you first hop on here and read a few wild stories you think no that not my W. But now a few weeks in I am starting to see many crazy behaviours. My once conservative business woman wife is lining up,a weekend away with her scruffy heavy drinking brothers motorcycle club mates. I don’t think I even feel jealous more and more just disrespect . My poor beautiful teenagers are beginning to see a stranger when their mum walks in. I think I would just laugh and walk away but naturally after 19 years of marriage I am very entangled with this woman. Oh well each day looks like being an adventure but I have deleted Facebook so I don’t have to watch any of the nonsense as it plays out. I will stock with being the sane stable parent and hopefully that will serve me well. I am proud that my 17 year old S is speaking up and telling his Mum how he sees her behaviour but I will avoiding buying in to making much commentary.
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#44: July 10, 2020, 12:05:54 AM
Hi Everyone,

MLC wife hit new low today. My S 17 said that M said to him that you even said why are you with him once. As my S who I have  a wonderful close relationship said I couldn’t even remember saying that. W then pointed out that it was said after S and I had had an argument two years ago when he was rebelling at school.

These are the parts that I can’t believe where she is dragging a 17 year old into this and making him feel bad for her current behaviour.  Feels like there really is a monster inside her and that she will say anything to make herself feel better about her current decisions. I have very close and warm relationships with both S17 and D15 have never had anything but warm and loving relationships.  When I first got on here I thought these people seem nice but maybe some of them really exaggerate the MLC behaviours but I now see it’s all true,

They rewrite history like UM and Old Pilot Said

They say vicious and hurtful things to anyone that will listen

They are sooooo self focused with actions all about only them

They spend $$$$ like crazy ... I am just locking that side up now

They treat the spouse like an enemy of the state

They treat any kindness like it is a threat to their inner demon

There are some wonderful patient and kind people on this forum who STAND and waiting for the crazy MLC ers. In truth I don’t think I have the patience to do that based on the treatment I am getting. I am lucky I have the resources to move on and I just don’t think I can separate the cruelty from the woman I knew versus this current BEAST... it’s so tricky because if this was a diagnosed thing you would put the person in a ward and medicate them and explain to the family that my poor W is dealing with depression and we are trying to get her well again. Can’t do that just have to weather the storm of craziness and try to protect the kids.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#45: July 10, 2020, 12:27:58 AM
I feel for you, Benson.

It IS hard to hear history being re-written, and wondering and wondering whether it's actually not you who is remembering things wrongly. In my experience, there usually is a tiny bit of truth in the rewritten history, but vastly exaggerated.  It helped me to reflect on the history my MLCer was talking about and to try to see what made him say the things he did. For example, one re-writing was that I don't like affection. Turned out much later that he was talking about when he seeks to hug me when I'm cooking, something that, yes, I didn't like.   He also blamed me for many things;  now that he is coming out of the tunnel, he says things which show that he doesn't really think so and that it is his brain which has been playing tricks on him.

I also thought that I would not stand for long, and what changed it for me was that I could not believe that the H I knew for close to 23 years had turned into an alien just like that, and that after a while he begin to hate himself for doing so many things against his values (in H's case it was a complicated affair and lying).    I stood with a type of blind faith and a lot of strength, but still now, so close to the end of the tunnel I sometimes feel immense fatigue.  The only thing I can really recommend is to focus a lot on yourself and your children, without her. At this point, you come first, and the more physical distance you have from her the better it is for you. 

Like you, it took me a while to accept what all the learned people here were telling me.  However they were right!  Your MLCer is going through an internal journey, and unfortunately nothing you can do can speed it up or take it away. She needs to walk through that tunnel, and eventually she will come out. In the meantime, you're walking your own journey of growth, and this will serve you well whether you choose to stand or not.  There is immense peace in knowing that you will be able to go on and do well in your life with her or without her.

Thinking of you!
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« Last Edit: July 10, 2020, 12:30:38 AM by tinnat »
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#46: July 10, 2020, 12:41:40 AM
Hi Tinnat

Thanks for your reply and wise words. You are right on elements of the history but to blow them up and bring a hurting teenager into the web is just so wrong. Your point about 23 years with your H is also very valid and I  am only 1 month into this horrible journey. Maybe as see confusion on W s face and see my original girl come back occasionally it will give me more empathy and strength.

I find it confusing so far that some of her smarter friends are not troubled by her behaviour. Everyone seems to buy in and support her desire to more on to something new. Lot at stake with two kids involved and  I figured real friends will start to look closely at her.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#47: July 10, 2020, 01:01:50 AM
I find it confusing so far that some of her smarter friends are not troubled by her behaviour. Everyone seems to buy in and support her desire to more on to something new. Lot at stake with two kids involved and  I figured real friends will start to look closely at her.

Benson,  H only told his family about the "separation", telling them that things had changed since we had the girls (D12 and D14) (?!). He only told his 2 best friends (male) that he had a new partner. They were super-surprised, and sad for our coupledom because they thought we would be the last on the list to separate, but then their next reaction to him was "well, as long as you're happy...".  I had a good relationship with one of them, and a couple of months later I explained to him and his wife what the story really was, and how I no longer recognized this person. Only then did the 2 male friends give him some straight words.

You don't know what she's telling her friends.  I found out that he had been telling them a lot of untruths (again, rewriting history), and being her friends they will tend to believe her (because they had no reason to NOT believe her before).  If you are good friends with any of them or their male partners, it may help to diplomatically talk to them the alien your wife has become.     
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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#48: July 10, 2020, 01:20:55 AM
Benson,

I'm so sorry for the painful situation you're going through. I know exactly how it feels. My H of 14 years seems to have completely re-written our history and put the OW more worthy of his love and affection, and condemned me to a sort of enemy or burden category. It's truly the most heartbreaking pain I've ever endured and I don't know how I'll recover. Nonetheless, I'm going to devote the next few years of my life trying to heal and improve myself.

MLCers def become Monsters, the question is always to what degree. Mine is literally another person. Once kind and UBER loyal/devoted, now sociopathic and narcissistic.

I'm so sorry your W acting the way she is and also upsetting the kids. I also know what you mean re it being hard to stand when your spouse is acting cruel. If mine ever came back to his old self or evolved self, I don't know how I'd be able to fully digest the pain he's caused.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#49: July 10, 2020, 04:28:29 AM
Thanks BAM,

I figure that’s what they call you. Moved from Britain to a Us I am guessing. I will read your posts as you have  likely covered it there. Thanks for your nice words I appreciate them. Your situation sounds  just as challenging and I am sorry you are going through the MLC nightmare . Your two D s are at vulnerable ages like my D 15 We have battled through the anguish of an eating disorder with my beautiful perfectionist D. To acknowledge my W was heroic in helping her during this phase and it almost feels like some of our challenges have gotten to much for W. That said I have been a supportive H and Dad in every way that I can.

How are your daughter coping BAM it can’t be easy.? My S who is 17 and strong with his opinions has told my W that she need to see a physchogist. He is just stunned at the changes in her behaviour and doesn’t like the out for drinks regularly. I suppose kids just like their cocoon and I the moment I will be the stable boring Dad I have always been. I was single and travelled a lot through my twenties and got the party bit out of my system. At 50 I just love being a Dad and coming home to out fluffy little dog and relaxing.

May have to reinvent my self though and get some swagger back as 50 too young not to find a exciting new partner if W stays funked up and in the fog.  I agree on the other person bit but now wit( lots of time on my hands I think my wife started to treat me differently maybe as long as  a year ago.

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