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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#80: July 22, 2020, 04:38:14 AM
Opinion Guys.  When in a relatively sane mood the other night W suggest the idea of birdnesting as in leaving the kids in the house and renting a unit that her and I alternate in and out week by week.

Oh, I've heard this talk....   A question: how would this benefit you?  And it what ways would this be bad for you?  Do not think of parenting, do not think how it will affect kids, do not think how it allows you to control situation.  Think of you.  What would the benefits of this be for you personally?  Write the reasons down. Then score each of the reasons (say 1-5pt per item), and do the math between pros and cons.  If one was clearly better than other you'd likely know the answer intuitively, but they are likely of very similar value to you, which is why you struggle to decide.   

As hindsight.... the advice I would give....    If you think about flirting, dating, basically any healthy relationships -  they are to large extend about trade. If she asks for something that involves your commitment and pushes you out of comfort zone, then you ask something of equal investment from her before jumping through the hola-hoop.   Make no  demands,  just keep it light and fun and playful.... because in the end you have got nothing to lose  - if she does something silly you really cannot prevent her from doing so;   if she accepts your proposal then you are having positive interaction with her and both of you get something both want... hope I explained myself well.

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

B
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Hi All,

Alvin the line about being a lighthouse  for my kids is a great one and I have thought about that each day since you posted that comment.

The  $$$$$$$$$  these entitled MLC ers chew through is hilarious.. NOT REALLY

My  W has always been relatively conservative or at least put the money away for extra agent holiday or things that the family would get benefit from. But this new person sleeping in the nicest room in the house my old bedroom in the good ole days  is  chewing through the cash fast.  I am fortunate to earn reasonable money but I have the feeling that my newly born MLC wife thinks she is in House Wives of Beverly Hills. I read all the warnings here and in other spots online as I started googling MLC etc but I now see its all true.

I have always been so chill about money.  If I see the w and kids are well dressed and have smiles on their faces that’s been enough for me. But times they are a changin.  I was always the last to update my wardrobe but this week I went out and bought two new suits and a nice jacket as I am getting sick of watching the narcissistic self focus of W.  Next months pay I think I will have no choice but to have that sent to my newly established account. Naturally I will continue to pay mortagage , school fees and all major expenses but W spending is scaring me and I have to plan for the kids.

It’s really does feel like I am in a bad dream.  Today was 384 at the hair dresser the day before it was new boots for 250 and prior to that’s 1000s in PayPal transfers for clothes because the old ones don’t fit with the MLC weight loss stress head plan. I have been; patient and calm for first 6-7 weeks but I think it is time to push back. It’s feels like a real game of cat and mouse and probably shows me that the boundaries have been way too loose for a long time and now they are being stretched daily to test or even punish me for my perceived crimes of not seeing HER .  As I said I would almost find this spending amusing but the money will run out and my kids ar the ones who will suffer.

One Good Thing From This

Atleast this gives me total and complete clarity about what this is . I think in the first week or so as the LBS you feel so deflated and bruised that you have a lot of self doubt. My W blamed me for all sorts of crazy things going back to not desiring her one night on our honeymoon 19 years ago. But this spending and a number of other behaviours like the act 17 and go partying  are taking my self doubts away and all is clear.

I have a W who is classic MLC  and I know I must do the following

Separate this MLC person from my wife as she is truely in crisis
I must have gratitude for the girl my wife was and the mother she was/ kinda is for 18 years
I must protect my family and our finances  regardless of how hard she pushes back
I must realise that her internal issues and struggles are manifesting in spending sprees . But even if this helps her pain it is not fair on me or the kids so I have to give her leadership on this front.

My Daily Mantra

Stay in my house
Set an example for my kids
Have gratitude for the old W who is still in there somewhere
Set form and clear boundaries for the monster / Satan wife who has arrived.
Remember this is not not monopoly $$$$ this is real $$$$


Thanks for letting me rant guys  :-\
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D
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#82: July 25, 2020, 05:23:34 AM
I received the same "I just want to be SEEN" comments many times as well as pretty much everything you are describing.  I wish I had the fortitude to stay in my house.  You are doing great!
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#83: July 25, 2020, 09:54:59 AM
Someone else said on another thread that they wish I was wrong about something I said about her situation, but also felt a strange reassurance that it proved to be the case. We all come here believing 'but my w/h would NEVER do....'....and then we learn that they might. Or do  ::) those of us a bit further down the path have no special wisdom, we'd just seen more of the patterns play out in more stories I suppose.

In a weird way, there is a kind of predictability to some of those stuff, at least some of the time lol.
Yup, your bullet points are wise and your need to set somboundarirs to protect you no your kids from her. MLC stuff is sensible, Benson. She Ike won't like it much lol....darn those adult consequences are a buzz kill.....so you should probably expect some sadz, or abit of emotional manipulation or a dollop of rage, sorry  :P.....but hey, forewarned is forearmed right?
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 09:56:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#84: July 25, 2020, 04:45:09 PM
Thanks Dis and treas

Thanks for your comments . It is strange that we really have to fight hard to stay in our own houses. The emotions are just so powerful and with kids I think it’s easy to think it will unseat them by staying.

I just feel that the monster in my wife needs leadership at the moment.  I have spent years being a passive supportive andvv CB loving spouse.  I have to change that character and lead like I do in my work life.. my kids need me to stand up and I need to stand up for mysrlf
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#85: July 25, 2020, 06:53:33 PM
I agree Benson. Now is the time to lead by example because you, your kids, and even your wife need it. I'm trying really hard to do the same, for my daughter's sake. I'm riding the fine line of trying not to be an emotional wreck and also finalize my divorce and also try not to express anger or too much emotion with H because he doesn't care, he just wants our divorce to be over.

I know how hard it is to lead when you're feeling hurt and confused. Do the best that you can, and go easy on yourself. We LBSers are on a journey of self discovery and self advancement and have to be courageous and also loving.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#86: July 26, 2020, 02:05:42 AM
All so true BAM. You know the hardest part about putting tough love in place on someone you never thought you would need to is actually doing it.
When you have subordinates in the work place the ones tha5 needs guidance have always been a bit naughty on the journey. The MLC H or W has often been a great partner and terrific parent and in the beginning I think us the LBS in probably the only one seeing the behaviour. I know for a fact that W friends are surprised I haven’t moved out to nake things easier for the kids . Little do they know that the kids will be badly impacted by wild spending and nights out late.  I am the guardian of our galaxy.  As silly s that sounds
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#87: July 26, 2020, 03:22:35 AM
Be careful of credit cards. If she has one, she may well max it out and depending on the laws where you live, you could be liable for half of it. My MLCER went through $20,000 in one month. Yes, twenty thousand. We had already split finances, but he was still using our old joint account, plus he had another account, so who knows what he spent from there. I had to warn him he was going to run out of money to autopay his credit card.

Lock down anything joint. Tell her you think it's best if you separate your personal expenditures. Because for you, it really is, imo.
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When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#88: July 27, 2020, 04:53:05 AM
Hi Off Road ,
Wow 20 K is a good hit on the cards in a month . That must have been quite devastating.  My W gave me the flippant response that I have never. Watched the finances before and left it all to her so why the interest now?

Well that is maybe because you’ve crushed m6 heart and smashed outer little family into a million pieces .How about that MLC lady. I have always taken the attitude that as long as we have our bills paid I would always be quite chill about things but this stage does change everything. Why wouldn’t I look to the future and. Comment on extravagent and reckless spending...The demands just keep coming and it is like my W is in a completely different ego state and expects me to buckle in the hope of pleasing her.. This whole experience is so surreal to me at 50 after living quite a bit of life so heaven knows what my teenagers are thinking and how they are really processing this.  Best thing is that she is doing every single thing to text book MLC so at least I can plan ahead.
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B
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#89: August 02, 2020, 12:38:19 AM
Hi All,

Had quite a big day with W today. We had a fiery chat this morning about money. In our 19 years together we have had very few fiery chats about anything.... MAybe we should have had more as I have always just said yeah no problem.  I think you get the pattern of house to treat your spouse as a man from your dAd and my Dad was wonderful in every way but very much let MUm lead the dance...I have been similar in my marriage and always accomodating... At this point in MLC world and with nothing to lose I am acting much more like the leader I am at work and asserting m6 position with more force.

It started with a discussion about W car replacement as her car was recently written off in an accident... tha5 was days before EBD . Because of what happened the car will not be covered by insurance and we have a 34k debt. W simply wanted me to put my signature in another contract and replace exact car.  I said no and that we should be using cash to buy a cheaper car or if we use the cash as a deposit she can finance 5e new car.

W seemed stunned by that..

W also said tha5 she would need cash for legal representation t9 go through the financial separation. We have been separated but living in same house for 8 weeks now sine EBD.  I said n9 rush as I don’t intend to go anywhere until we are divorced... Actually coming out and saying that felt quite empowering. W said are you kidding you are happ6 to keep living like this for another ten months???? I replied well although I don’t get to live in the luxury room .. our old bedroom with tv. Onsuite.  Yes I am happy t9 see my kids eac( day and my dog and my kids..

So although I am in the spare room study and living like a back packer compared to W with her nice new MLC furniture I am making the best of the situation.  I have rigged up a belt so that I can hang my iPad from in like a small tv in a hospital room and connected to a remote blu tooth speaker so spare room is feeling more like home every day.  Despite the emotional pain that the partying MLC er is causing me I will take every single little exchange and minutes with my kids and count those blessing over the coming months.. I also feel that if I leave things could get even more chaotic..  After all I am the stable parent and I wasn’t looking for FUN,NEW.  They were her things and 8 can’t imagine they are found in the family home are they.?

She was ver6 angry with me this morn8ng as I also said tha5 her decision is go8ng t9 have generational impact on ou4 family and my 15 yo D heard that... I said sorry about that comment but in trut( I think these MLC ers need t9 know the pain the6 cause with their self focussed narcissistic behaviour.. 

Confused...??? Please help me with this part

She came back in the afternoon with a plan to finance own car and also seemed calmer.  Is she kind of pleased that I am staying so she has an audience or can try to control me? Or am I imagining that? She seems very frustrated that she can’t just push me out the door and has re written all of our history listing so many bad things I did during this seemingl6 horrible 19 years together?

The MLC W to MOnster swing is incredible to watch but luckily 8 had read all about i5 here and ready to accept,absorb and be strong..

So I stay in m6 house
Secure finances the best I can
Protect m6 kids hearts

I think the roller coaster is only just heading skyward before it picks up speed but my belt is on tight.


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