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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do
#90: August 08, 2020, 10:15:59 PM
Hi Everyone,

I have been reading many of your stories and as heartbreaking as so many are we do give each other a playbook. This week my wife seems very angry.. I have dropped the rope and I am avoiding contact. She on the other hand sends irritated texts.. trivial things like why didn’t you let me know that D 15 s netball turn up time has moved 10 mins back.. All parents got a group what’s app message but she is too consumed with MLC  behaviour to read it.. I just replied I am so sorry about that.   But it seems this week her anger with me seems emense in every way..

She is very angry with S17 also because he dared to ask why Dad should have to leave the home .. Her view is that she is the primary career and  whatever the reason for a breakup the career should stay. 

What are your expenses with regards to in-laws?

I had a great relationship with W parents for last 18 years but she has barred me from all events birthdays,dinners everything.
I have the feeling that maybe she is tellin* them some lies about things I am doing to make them hate me. They have seen my generosity and love towards their Daughter for 18 years so I am confused and wondering what they really think..

I have the feeling now we are about 9 weeks into this nightmare my kids are getting more affected by it. Particularly my S who is challenging his mum about her partying and staying away overnight at friends.. These MLC ers really are destructive narcissistic and dramatic..

Thoughts on in-law relationships would be great ..???

Thanks as always I appreciate you all
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#91: August 09, 2020, 12:21:53 AM
Quote
I just replied I am so sorry about that.   But it seems this week her anger with me seems emense in every way..

First of all, I want to remind you that you are just a couple of months into this. We learn by trial and error as LBS, I think, and imho you are doing pretty well for early days. But it's hard. And part of what makes it hard is unpicking our old habits of behaving as part of a We and caring about what the other person thinks and feels....and then training ourself into some new habits that are a healthier fit for the reality of the situation. We all make mistakes as we do that, Benson, and the 'new normal' doesn't' feel normal at all does it?

What I'd like to remind you is that currently there is no We. Your wife's choice to fire you from the husband job. Which means her feelings and opinions and wants are just not your business in the way they used to be. Your w seems to have a flavour of 'well, I want x so Benson (and everyone else) should do that'.....and then gets angry when you/others have a different POV. The car was just one example. Her attitude to you moving out, buying her out or the nesting idea....more of the same, as is her spending.....essentially it sounds as if your w wants everything else to stay the same but for you to just magically disappear other than as a source of finance or practical back up when she wants to demand that. Errrr, nope....that is not how life works when you decide to end your m and family life is it? And it really isn't your job (as a fired husband lol) to apologise for or soften the practical consequences of her choice on her life. Consequences aren't punishment (and it isn't your job to unleash them vindictively either  :) ) but they are the reality of cause and effect.

So imho I would not have said sorry about her not reading the What's App text. You may have meant it in the sense of 'sorry you feel that way' acknowledgement but I suspect as an angry person she read it as you accepting responsibility. Better to ignore it or reply once with a factual thing e.g. It was on a general What's App message. After all, you are neither her h nor her personal secretary are you?  I don't know how her anger makes you feel....we all react to anger differently....but her anger is also not your responsibility to soothe and you can't nice her back by appeasing it. She is just angry....and you are a convenient object.....so remove yourself from being available as that.

PS if it helps, her behaviour is pretty common from an MLC w....I'm sure that other guys will chip in with their experiences of similar angry expectations from their wives that they should do x or y as a kind of 'half-husband'.

Which brings me to the in laws....
It isn't uncommon that inlaws distance themselves.....either bc they have been told lies about what is going on or bc they feel uncomfortable or bc they don't know what to do.
But it isn't your w's right to 'ban' you or anyone else from being in touch, even if she would prefer that you don't and might be angry with you all if you do.....she is only queen of the universe in her head after all  ::)
My advice is to ignore her and decide for yourself if you want to reach out to your in laws and what your wishes/expectations are in doing so. And if you are prepared for them to reject your approach or indeed for your wife to be very angry if you ignore her attempts to control you all.
Are you in touch with your own family, Benson? Is she? What is their take on it all if so? Not uncommon here that some LBS have been more close to their in laws than their own family sometimes....and that it can feel like another loss or rejection when that relationship changes too.

Which brings me back round to the 'have you seen a L' question i've asked a couple of times but haven't seen your reply....
I'm slightly confused about your situation......
Has your w told you that she wants an agreed 'informal' separation, or has she/you filed for a legal separation (if that is possible where you live) or is she/you filing for divorce?

Either way, imho you need legal advice asap on your options and the short/longer term consequences of your available choices.....you don't have to follow it but you need more facts than assumptions if that makes sense. Bc the law, and your rights and obligations, are not a function of what your w thinks they should be. (Which often seems to come as a bit of an unwelcome surprise to these MLC spouses lol)

If it helps, it is pretty clear that your w wants what she wants bc she wants it and thinks it is your job (and the kids job) to just drop into line and give her what she wants bc she wants it. (Was your w a selfish spoilt kind of woman before this?) And will alternate between being angry and shocked if that doesn't happen....well, as UM says, reality is such a buzzkill for a teenage MLCer  ::) Why does that help? Bc if you accept that, you will see that you need to stop being concerned about what she wants - and accept she will be angry anyway probably - and focus solely on what is in the legal, financial and emotional best interests of you and your children. Both now and for the next few years. That your job is to be a sane functioning stable adult with a home (whether this one or another) and money in the bank and a job and a life regardless of what your wife wants or does. So....you need legal objective advice on your options and liabilities, my friend, bc your wife simply does not care about that.

Jmo.
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« Last Edit: August 09, 2020, 01:04:32 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#92: August 09, 2020, 01:15:48 AM
Benson,

It sounds like your W is between the anger and replay stages. I remember how my H would get so irritated about everything, he would sometimes hit the car or wall! And he was never an angry person. All he ever really said to me during that time were criticisms. I was relieved when he moved out as it was like stepping on eggshells around him. granted, I thought him moving out would be temporary and instead, replay hit.

Whatever she says-criticism or irritation wise- don't give too much thought to it or let it get to you. Also stand your ground ( like you're doing; you're doing a phenomenal job in letting her know she can't boss you around or make you leave your home) and just let her know -as calmly as you can- that you don't like how she's acting or treating you or the kids. They call this 'truth darts' I think.

Just remember this: you're doing a fantastic job ina difficult situation. The people we loved and married have turned against us, and it sucks. It hurts badly. I'm filing for divorce right now and every cold, to the point and emotionless email I get from H hurts badly. But still, I persist and am learning to accept myself and the situation.

Tell your kids over and over how loved they are and that their Mom is going through a mental health crisis, and that you're there for them whenever they need you.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

A
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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#93: August 09, 2020, 05:47:33 AM
Quote
I had a great relationship with W parents for last 18 years but she has barred me from all events birthdays,dinners everything....

I have the feeling now we are about 9 weeks into this nightmare my kids are getting more affected by it. Particularly my S who is challenging his mum about her partying and staying away overnight at friends.. These MLC ers really are destructive narcissistic and dramatic..

Thoughts on in-law relationships would be great

Hi Benson -

I had a very good relationship with my in-laws also.
When BD hit I could tell that they were more than confused.
Although I had not really shared the details of my H's crazy behavior with anyone up until that point, I felt it was important to speak with them to let them know the truth (as I knew it).

I called up my MIL and told her that I wanted to speak with MIL and FIL if that was possible.
I specifically stated that I wanted to do this alone - and without any other audience.
I took off from work mid-week and drove about 2 hours to see them.
I did this to insure that my H would be at work.

We sat down in the kitchen and I spent about 2 hours factually telling them what was going on.
I did not sugar coat things - I told the facts.
My FIL was horrified and asked if I thought my H was sick, or had a brain tumor.
My MIL kept silent.
When I left I hugged them and told them I loved them.  I knew it might be the last time I ever saw them. (I was right.)

In the end, my H continued with his affair with the OW.
He continued to to tell an revisionist history to anyone he could - especially friends.
I didn't feel the need to set the world straight.
Depending on who it was and the particular circumstances - I either shared some of the truth (just to set things straight) or I didn't.  But I felt that with my in laws - people who had been like my family - I owed them the truth.

I never heard from my in-laws until after the divorce (2 years later).
My FIL called me to tell me that both he and MIL were shocked and saddened.
That they loved me and did not understand their son.
That the entire affair with OW was unknown and a shock to them - as it had been to me.
And that they had always been very happy to have me as their daughter-in-law.
My xH and I had no children, so there was further contact with my in-laws.

But I am glad that I had the ability to speak truthfully to them.
I also think they appreciated hearing my side - independently from what their son was saying.

----

On a different note - I read through your posts and I have some suggestions for you.

1) find a professional therapist for your children and try to get them to go.
You can go as a family - or individually.
This situation is very dramatic and can leave lasting scars if not dealt with.
There is always grief, anger, fear etc in these situations - and often children can feel responsible - even though it is obviously not their fault.

2) Go to a lawyer and get a consultation about divorce.  I know that you are early into this mess and hope your wife will "pop out of the tunnel".  Unfortunately that is not the outcome most of the people on this forum have.  Planning early and getting good financial advice about how to protect your assets legally is imperative.  You do not need to tell your wife about this - in fact I would not suggest you mention it to anyone.  Just go to a lawyer and see what your legal rights are. Better to have a plan in place.

3) Finally - many LBSers have seen moments when our spouses seem recognizable to us briefly.
We see the "old H/W we used to know" usually when they are in a moment of confusion or despair and they seem like they are doubting their decisions. 
It is in these moments we hope they will realize all they are giving up for this dandy new life.
Sometimes they even say that have made a mistake and want to work on the marriage.

Be cautious - very very cautious with your heart and emotions in this situation.
So many times these MLCs do this - but their moment of regret is not followed through by true actions and real intent.

Often it seems these MLCers use the dangling carrot of reconciliation to buy more time, or cake eat.  Even though they are doing things that are totally destroying the marriage, they still avoid the divorce.
In my case my H initiated the divorce, was living with the OW for over a year - but dragged his feet for almost 3/4 of a year when all that was needed as a signature on agreement we had both come to. 
Can I explain why?  No.  But it is very common for MLCers to drag the whole separation divorce process on for years. 






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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#94: August 09, 2020, 07:40:16 AM
Hello,

Welcome to the forum and so much you have written brings back my own story. Just know that this process takes a long time. While my story did not end with reconciliation, I look back and I see some of my own actions that could have been better.

1) Don't leave the house/home. From what I am reading, she is trying to control the situation by banishing you. If she can't handle the situation, she can leave. You have just as much right to be there as she does. If you leave, she will use your action as justification to everyone and especially herself that you were to blame. Once I left the house, that was the beginning of the end of the marriage. Different story and circumstances when I left after three years of MLC mess, but if you can stay-stay.

2) As far as the in laws go, that is your choice and control. As long as you are married, they are your in laws. This should be your first boundary. If she gets to come and go as she pleases, stays away from home for the weekend, then you can come and go as well including your in laws. She can huff and puff, but this is for your sanity. One action of a controlling personality is to cut you out from all of your relationships. From what I am reading, her monster is all about control and she calls the shots. You can't let her monster make you a doormat. Just remember that boundaries are about protecting your emotions and well being. They are not about teaching her a lesson or trying to "fix" her. 

3) Look after your children. Airmid and so many others have given you great advice. The advice to seek a therapist and legal are both great. I saw both and while it did not save my marriage, it helped save me.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. I can't over emphasize taking good care of yourself. Self focus is not about "fixing" you as if there were problems that caused your situation. Instead it is about putting positive focus on the one person you can control and that is -you. Enjoy your children and enjoy them in the now. Be a man for your son and a good father to your daughter.

Keep posting and know you are doing well,

(((((Ready)))))
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#95: August 10, 2020, 04:00:13 AM
Hi RTFM

Thanks for your caring message I appreciate it.. So many great people on here.  I think most of us seem to have high levels of emotional intelligence and cAre for other people.  Might be the reason we are perfect targets for our broken MLCErs with their childhood pain.. I will read your posts now we are mates and comments.

Thanks again I appreciate your wisdom and care.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#96: September 03, 2020, 02:03:49 AM
Hi Everyone,

I hope y’all of your journeys are going as well as they can... As my MLCer bounces around in multiple ways I am so glad I found the HS Forum and all of you. I say that because the knowledge gained here really does prepare you for the roller ouster of emotions that MLC partners put us through.  We were attending a family therapy session today for an issue my daughter has been dealing with ( not marriage related).
My MLC w was particularly nice to me and talked about a surprise Father’s Day gift and how it was important the kids spend time with me over the coming weekend.  W has been out a lot lately with two supposed slept overs at girlfriends places in last week.

Knowing what I have learnt here I am always suspicious when behaviour turns.. she has been consistently cold over last few weeks and then super nice today.

It’s so hard to know what to think..

Normal MLC mood swings

Liking me a bit more as I have been very fitness focussed and lost weight.?

Things going well wit( OM.  Not sure he even exists but I am guessing there is an affair going on of some kind.

It’s hard not to overthink everything but I am past walking on eggshells and although I still do my bi5 around the house including shopping, some vacuuming etc etc .. I don’t feel I should stop being me just because I have been sacked as a husband .. I am sticking with three s8mple goals

1. Stay in my House

2. Love my kids and make sure I am always here when MLC Er has a late or overnight absence

3. Maintain focus on health and self improvement goals  + be consistent in my work life

Reading all my fellow LBS ers accounts has given me a road map and atleast I know it will be an ugly Forrest not a yellow brick road.  Thanks again everyone.
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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#97: September 03, 2020, 08:21:27 AM
You're sounding good, Benson.

I love your 3 simple rules!  Perfect.

I just know with most of us the first year is the hardest.  You were given quite a shock to get over.  It takes time to get your bearings.

Just be kind to yourself.  Put your focus on just you and your children.
Let her twist in the wind.  There is nothing you can do for her when she is in this fog they react.  Sure they will have their "nice" days, but that doesn't really mean anything.

Expect nothing, believe nothing and just get on with living your life to the fullest.

You are going to be ok.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#98: September 03, 2020, 03:46:23 PM
I agree with everything you said Benson but this particularly struck my heart:

Quote
Love my kids and make sure I am always here when MLC Er has a late or overnight absence

Our children have to deal with a great deal these days and an "absent" parent adds to their stress...but you will be their stable one, the one they can count on. You can still live your own life but they are a priority and it's a really really unselfish thing that you are doing for them.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#99: September 03, 2020, 06:57:49 PM
Hello,

Quote
I agree with everything you said Benson but this particularly struck my heart:

Quote
Love my kids and make sure I am always here when MLC Er has a late or overnight absence

Our children have to deal with a great deal these days and an "absent" parent adds to their stress...but you will be their stable one, the one they can count on. You can still live your own life but they are a priority and it's a really really unselfish thing that you are doing for them.

I can only second this! Have an awesome Labor Day Weekend!

((((Ready)))))
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