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Author Topic: My Story Where Do I Start and what should I do

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My Story Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#20: June 29, 2020, 05:37:49 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#21: June 29, 2020, 05:52:22 AM
Thanks everyone I am heartened by your support. Wife went very hard early with the push for me to leave.
I didn’t think I was wrong wanting to stay in the house that I not her put sizeable deposit into. Aside from that I am stable and reliable and I love every minute wit( bot( kids ,dog,cat and very the squawking birds. My biggest frustration is that no concerns were ever tabled so I had no chance to process this as a maybe. My vision was clear and that was walking hand in hand at our holiday place and watching our beautiful teens turn into adults and hopefully give us a few grand children one. day.

Adjusting to none of tha5 happening overnigh5/is a big MLCW bomb drop that is for sure.

I WiLL STAY IN HOUSE

Hi Benson,
I am new to the board and in my early days too. My H also never shared any concerns with me. He went from happy to wanting a divorce, 0 to 100 in 3 seconds flat.... there was barely an attempt to 'try' and work on things. It's crazy how these MLCers think. Hang in there, looks like we are in for a long ride!
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#22: June 29, 2020, 08:50:12 PM
Hi OldPilot ,

They said that you would arrive and I thank you for your wisdom. I am glad that I have found th3 forum as it is comforting to read many others hav3 had a similar experience. Easy to begin doubting who you are and taking on some of the W. MLC comments and owning them.

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.

I will look at the links you have provided at hom3 tonight.

Thanks Again So Much
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#23: June 30, 2020, 12:17:32 AM
Hi OldPilot ,
<...snip...>

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.


Remember Liver and Onions?

Just because SHE is rewriting history doesn't mean that you need to as well....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#24: June 30, 2020, 01:07:09 AM
Hi OldPilot ,
<...snip...>

Reading what I have since the Bomb was dropped I see clearly my wife is in MLC mode. Even I’f I accept that she hasn’t loved me for years so many of the harsh things she has said seem to be MLC speak.


Remember Liver and Onions?

Just because SHE is rewriting history doesn't mean that you need to as well....

UM is right.
You may need to accept that she is saying this. You may need to accept that she even currently believes it. You will need to accept that she doesn't much care what you or anyone else thinks or feels. And you will gradually need to accept that you are no longer dealing with the same wife you knew, that you can't trust her as you did and that, regardless of what happens tbh, your marriage as you knew it is probably gone. All of those are tremendously hard things to accept.

But you sound like you have solid instincts, my friend.
If your m was how she says it was now, you wouldn't have been so shocked.
If this was just a gradual erosion of a m, your w wouldn't seem so much like an unrecognisable stranger. Or a bit nuts. ::)
And your instinct to not move out and to be the stable point for your kids is wise and sensible. Not necessarily going to be always easy to do but your instinct on this is spot on.

Have you taken legal advice?
Have you locked down some of the joint finances?
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« Last Edit: June 30, 2020, 01:08:20 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#25: June 30, 2020, 03:59:53 PM
Thanks Treasur. Good reaffirming words and I will listen to them. I appreciate having found this place.
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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#26: July 01, 2020, 01:02:10 AM
So sorry that you're going through this.  I'm about 18 months along the line from you, and this is not a short journey. 

Your mention that you were sleeping in separate rooms because of your snoring and her sleep apnea triggered me.  We also began to sleep in separate rooms because of "my snoring". Turns out that it was only an excuse because he could not bear to share a bed with me while he had someone else in his life.

Unfortunately these MLCers are full of lies, they change beyond recognition and they change their version of your previous life together to the point that you're wondering what on earth they're talking about.  They also see a lot of faults in you and tell you that this is why they're doing what they're doing now.   At some point later they come back to the old 'them', put them blame for all this squarely on themselves and accept that they were seeing everything in a black light.  There is not much I have been able to do to speed that process up - they need to do it themselves.  The advice you receive on this forum from the "old hands" is simply brilliant, and so many times I thought they were exaggerating or that something they say about MLC behaviour does not apply to me... and so many times I was wrong.

I wish you courage, strength and tons and tons of patience. The silver lining for me was that I went on a transformational journey myself. I grew so much, and now I know myself better and I am emotionally stronger than ever before.  Know that whatever happens you will be fine. 




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January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#27: July 01, 2020, 04:08:38 AM
Thanks Tinnat ,
Your marathon comments makes perfect sense. Actually feels like I am dealing with two people.
I am not pursuing her at all but in brief crucial text exchanges the occasional  pleasantry but face to face cold.
The  self focus on her only goal of getting me out of the comfortable house  is part of the cold act I guess.
The human mind is incredibly complex but to be able to cut off all the happy memories and re write them in her brain is bizarre.  W has a real passion for photography band around our house are beautiful large images of our kids and puppies are various stage from toddler to teen.  I look at those and my heart melts a little and I allow myself to tear up a little when alone.  I would never let her see me doing that  but incredible to me that  all that emotions is pushed aside by W. Very few people know but three people 1 W and 2M have all cried when told. The 2 guys said they thought we were the image of happy family and marriage . The tears really touched me bu5 also reminded me  just how crazy her actions are.
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Re: Where Do I Start and what should I do
#28: July 01, 2020, 04:42:37 AM
Benson,

It's ok to tear up once in awhile.  I think I cried for 2 months, never in front on him though.  I wish I had, had stock on the Kleenix company.   :)

It's incredible hard to see your spouse turn unto someone you no longer recognize, but their head is so screwed when they go into this crisis, the confusion is massive and it is all driven by depression, which you can do nothing about.  You did not cause it, you can not fix it. 

It will take you some time to detach from her and stop taking what she says personal, but you will get there.  I think you're doing good.

You have no reason to leave your home, so I'm glad you already made up your mind not to leave.  You and the kids just stay put. If she wants out bad enough she can go. 

Hang in there Benson.  Make some nice plans for you and the kids, go out and do things together.  Even if it's just getting outside for a walk or a picnic or a backyard BBQ.
Let her twist in the wind.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Where Do I Start and what should I do
#29: July 01, 2020, 05:11:48 AM
My H is the same Benson! Devoid of emotion. I mean he was never an emotional guy to begin with but he has barely shed a tear about us and our 20 year relationship. He cried when he told his parents, bc he was sad to disappoint them. H has always been the golden child. And he cried when he told the kids how much he loved them but would be moving out part time. Seemed like very superficial tears to me. But with me, nada! Says he is completely detached from me. It is truly bizarre!
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