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Author Topic: My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support

W
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My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support
OP: July 01, 2020, 04:49:19 PM
Hello,

I have been following the facebook lives. Very helpful. Following the facebook page. I am on HB forum which has been a lifesaver but wanted to introduce myself here also.

My story:
— H and me both 45 years old.
— Married 16 years, together 22.
— No children by choice. Have beloved dog.
Dec 2017 H rushed to hospital with heart problem - he thought he was dying.
October 2018 H's mother almost died.
Jan 2019 H halves his prozac dose after 22+ years.
March onwards H very withdrawn, I could not connect with him. I told him this. He was unable to talk to me about it. H traveling non-stop, he is hardly home in 2019.
May 2019 / BD1 — 'the relationship feels one-sided' I need to do more for him. I do. (These earlier BD's now make sense to me but they totally confused me at the time as H could not communicate his feelings well to me. I didn't know what was happening, did not know my marriage was on the verge of ending until the final BD when he ran away).
— Angry at any and everything. Loss of respect for me. Infatuation with pilates teacher seems apparent.
— Wants to spend every weekend with his family, not me.
Early September 2019 BD2 — 'We need to talk, I need time and space... I hate myself, I don't know who I am'. - shoes on to run to his mums. He didn't leave as I offered to make changes, be more present, support him. I said a marriage is to be worked out, communicate, he yelled back 'A marriage can mean many things!' (feeling trapped!). I started making sure I was giving him more love, attention etc ... it just pushed him further away.'
Teary, talks of being abandoned by his mother as a baby. Thought he would have published at least 3 books by this age... Manic depressive, personality change very appartant. I asked him what happened at that BD and he said his mind just went into a tail spin.
— H goes back to his therapist, comes home so excited 'it's not us! ... therapist was so pleased with how we communicated, it is so much better having our more present ... it's a MLC and therapist has so much information on it'.
— Four days later H leaves for business trip away. He doesn't phone or tell me when he arrives. The night before he sent BD3 text message I phoned him and he was strangely 'out of breath' at 8.30pm - said he was 'watching football'.  ???
Mid September 2019 BD3 Text message 'I can't do this anymore'. Goes to live with his mum. Not to be seen again.
— 1-minute hang up phone call where he yells at me 'I have changed!', 'What I need now is loving and nurturing from my mother! I am going!'
— 2 explaining emails from him (Fresh start, just wants to think about himself, always put me first now it's his time, he loves me but has to do this...)
— Monster comes out in second email, I put a NC in place to build my strength.
Jan 2020 - he send email to a friend of mine saying he wants to sort practical things. He goes in to detail in this email to her about how we could use lawyers etc. She contact me, I tell her that I don't want a third party involved. He then emails me. I have my lawyer respond after 2 emails from him as he was ready to divide all assets (house etc) and has an ex family court judge as a stepmother and a lawyer as a father.
— Legal separation now underway. He starts out very aggressive, blaming, shaming, mocking in his legal response. Him wanting to buy the house and move back in - IMMEDIATELY. Me taking over full financial responsibility for car, dog IMMEDIATELY.
— Legal letter from him on our wedding anniversary in April 2020. He wants to do a valuation of the house as soon as Covid-lockdown is lifted.
— June 2020 I open up direct email contact with him to sort out me taking over bills. He was 'kind' and not aggressive. Said he was happy to wait until I was ready to take over more bills. I kept communication to business but kind, not angry.
— I set a boundary for house selling to continue through legal council, not with him, as he started wanting to talk that with me. He is frustrated with lawyers.
— Now he is telling other people (but not me or my lawyer) that the intention is for me to buy the house.
— Legal review due end of July.
— I am looking for financial security. My lawyer is slowing him down. Legally 2-years separation period before he can file for divorce.
— Legal spousal maintenance now in place - him still paying certain household bills me paying the rest.
— All of H's belongings still in house - he just took his underwear and a few little things.
— I am working with a good therapist, learning a lot about me, slowly healing and getting stronger. Working on detaching.
— I have learned a lot about MLC - learning that I did not cause this.

That's me in an overview. Still in a lot of pain. Hard looking for extra work when I still feel very broken, in pain, traumatised and shock is still present. But I am much stronger than I was in the early months where I could not function at all.

Thank you  :)
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« Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 06:28:48 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#1: July 01, 2020, 05:41:41 PM
Hi Wonder - welcome!

You have several incidents that could have served as the catalyst for his MLC (namely, the near-death of your mother-in-law, his own prior health scare, et al.). And his MLC is clearly the result of his abandonment as a child. 

He’s clearly a poster-child for MLC, I’m so sorry, and only you can decide if you’re a Stander or not.  Either way, you’ll get lots of support here!

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« Last Edit: July 01, 2020, 05:59:09 PM by megogirl »

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#2: July 01, 2020, 09:09:22 PM
Welcome Wonder , glad you found us . It is very traumatising , just as you said and I know it hurts like nothing we imagined , but you sound strong , well researched and moving forward as best you can.  That is not suggesting it is any less devastating. My husband was also abandoned by his mother as a 3 year old and grew up falsely believing she was dead. Mother abandonment has lifelong consequences and some of them refuse to stay dormant later in life.  It has nothing to do with you...or me . Welcome again!
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#3: July 02, 2020, 01:01:46 AM
Hi Wonder - welcome!

You have several incidents that could have served as the catalyst for his MLC (namely, the near-death of your mother-in-law, his own prior health scare, et al.). And his MLC is clearly the result of his abandonment as a child. 

He’s clearly a poster-child for MLC, I’m so sorry, and only you can decide if you’re a Stander or not.  Either way, you’ll get lots of support here!

Hello megogirl and thank you.

Yes H's father also had a MLC when H was in his late teens. H had to literally drive to OW's house, pick his father up off the floor and bring him home - the OW threw the car keys at H. H's mental health issues (depression + anxiety) started at this time. He shut himself away in his bedroom and did not socialise.

H always said his father married his own mother in his second marriage — H's stepmother. Not sure H's father has ever made it out of his crisis really — there is still a lot of classic crisis behavior from him (red convertible sports car was in the mix and all!).

I have known H since we were both 13 - we were in the same class at high school. We have a long history.

I stand... until such time that I feel my stand comes to a natural end (reconciliation or me having grown enough and healed on my journey). I certainly stand while still married. He can not file for divorce until after Sept 19 2021 as legally there is a 2 year separation period in my country. I still love the core of who my H is. I now see and better understand some of his struggle. I now understand his projection that attacks me. I focus on protecting myself, continuing to detach, but I stand. Not that he knows that yet. We have very little contact, but I lifted the NC. I just don't initiate contact unless it is in regards to bills/business etc. He is on a mission to distance himself from my as soon as possible - although he has slowed down from the IMMEDIATELY commands from January.

I chose this man as my H and I brought my own brokenness to the relationship. We were both similar in our 'broken'. He went into crisis, I did not.

Quote
Welcome Wonder , glad you found us . It is very traumatising , just as you said and I know it hurts like nothing we imagined , but you sound strong , well researched and moving forward as best you can.  That is not suggesting it is any less devastating. My husband was also abandoned by his mother as a 3 year old and grew up falsely believing she was dead. Mother abandonment has lifelong consequences and some of them refuse to stay dormant later in life.  It has nothing to do with you...or me . Welcome again!

Thank you barbiedoll.
Abandonment is so very destructive. My H was emotionally abandoned by his mother due to postnatal depression. His mother didn't really raise him as a baby and his father was always at work, never home, and didn't listen when he was own - H felt neglected, not seen, not loveable. He felt very unloved. And I could not fill that void in him - that is not the role of a wife.

He told a friend, a week after leaving me, that I did not meet his needs. That hurt but I see he was playing the victim, his seduction technique (he once had sex with this friend prior to us getting together). But it is not my role to meet these unmet needs in him. Sure, I could have done many things better in our marriage - but I am human and imperfect. His running away certainly brought all my faults to the surface, but I learned to stop beating myself up with self-blame. I made mistakes, I was not perfect 24 hours a day, every day for 22 years. Nor should a spouse expect their spouse to be that. I was faithful, devoted, loving and kind. I showed him love and he started to reject it, push me away. A healthy relationship takes communication, not stuffing down one's feelings until they turn to resentment and explode.

Nice to meet you all and I look forward to reading other's threads.  :)
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« Last Edit: July 02, 2020, 01:09:38 AM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#4: July 23, 2020, 03:40:38 PM
Thank you for answering my question on the FB live this weekend Kenda-Ruth.

So, next week there will be a legal review, after a 2-month break, that my lawyer put in place.
He is pushing for me to commit to a division of assets in his last legal letter 2 months ago.

If I was to send H a short email this weekend, would it say something along these lines:


I wanted you to know that I am not angry and I am not judging you or myself.
I am so sorry this has happened, but I accept that you feel you have to do this.
It was never what I wanted then or now.
I am still here if he wants to talk.


I am not even sure if I want to send this. I feel I am well into the process of letting this man go. I do not know who he is anymore and have trouble remembering 'us' together. It all feels so distant, the good 20 years we had. I suppose I am detaching and focusing on my own life now. But I know I still have love in my heart for the core of who he is. I love him more than he loves himself right now I would say.

Not that this is a comfortable process — it still feels like a nightmare but I understand the MLC process now and he is only 10 months in since leaving home so this is all very early days. We have had very little contact. He sent a flurry of little emails soon after he left - asking about our dog, addressing me as 'Sweets' and 'My love' while he was running hard away from me. That was confusing for me. We have since had about 6 emails re me taking over bills in the past few months. And lawyers are engaged communicating the division of assets.

Thank you
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« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 04:03:24 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Re: Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#5: July 23, 2020, 04:25:32 PM
Hi Wonder.

How can your H divide assets when there is nothing legally saying you need to?
You said he wants a legal separation, and if he can get one, there isn't much you can do to stop him.  If he needs you to agree to the separation, then just don't agree.

I guess I'm a little confused.  He can't file for a divorce yet, but he can file for a legal separation?  Can he then, legally, want the division of assets done? Or does he just want that?

I would go with what your lawyer is advising you, he has your best interest at heart and he is not emotionally involved.

Take your time, breathe, find out your rights.  You don't need to rush anything, no matter what your H wants.  You need time to sort this out.  You are still in shock and in no frame of mind to be making any life altering decisions.

I personally would NOT write him any message.  He will not care what you have to say right now.  He sounds like quite a mess.  All he wants is out.  Very typical for them in crisis and he sees you as in his way.  Doesn't matter how nice you are to him.
Just deal with your lawyer and get his advice.  Ask him if you, in fact. need to divide assets right now.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood anything you have told us.  I just briefly went through your story and something just doesn't seem to add up.  I'm glad you have been decent with him, though.  No need to get ugly.
You just seemed to be so rushed into this.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#6: July 23, 2020, 04:48:37 PM
Hi Thunder,

Yes, he dropped the out of the blue bomb, ran away never to be seen again, and then wanted to buy me out of the house and have assets divided, stop paying the bills he was paying immediately and have everything settled (divorce style) three months after he left. Very aggressive, very bullying, mocking. Not a nice man at all.

Yes, I still have shock and need to totally rebuild my life (especially financially) and he was rushing and pressuring me. He wanted to move back into the house, kick me out and make me homeless essentially. Which my lawyer said would not hold up in court as he has no right to be doing that. He is financially stable with a good job, I own my own business which is only a couple of years old so I am focused on finding financial security and that takes time in the covid-ecomonic climate. But I do have another job interview this afternoon which is looking promising.

I am entitled to time and I do not have to have marital assets divided during the two year separation period. My legal rights allow me up until 1 year after divorce to have all assets sorted — especially the house. I am fully financially responsible for the the car I am driving, our dog, home maintenance and I am paying 50% of the household bills. My H is paying the other 50% in spousal maintenance as has been agreed between our lawyers.

I have spent a lot of time and money with my lawyer finding out my rights and getting to this point of spousal maintenance and him not kicking me out of the house. So I feel like we have gotten him to abide by what the law requires of him, at this stage.

Yes, H can file for a legal separation and that is what he is going. He was keen to do it without lawyers, as one does not legally need lawyers to separate, but I brought my lawyer in to protect myself as I knew he would try to manipulate me and he had a legal father and step mother informing him of his rights.

My lawyer is slowing him down, as per my rights.

There is a review at the end of this month and H wanted me to commit to a final division of assets. Which I will not be doing, as per my legal rights to time. And my lawyer knows this.

Yeah, my gut does not want to send H any email communication, so I will listen that that. He is on a mission to get away from me and I am focused on my own healing.

I hope that helps clarify my situation?

Thanks


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« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 04:50:23 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Re: Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#7: July 24, 2020, 08:51:31 AM
Yes it sure does, Wonder.  Thank you.

I'm so glad you were smart enough to get a lawyer.  They can't bully you into something you don't want or need to do.

He may try by calling you unreasonable, or try to intimidate you, but just ignore it and tell him nicely to talk to legal counsel if he disagrees.  You're just following your lawyers advice.

Well hang in their hon, none of this is easy.  But you are doing the right thing, going by the law and taking your time.

Good luck with your interview!   :)

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#8: July 24, 2020, 01:56:46 PM
Thanks Thunder,

Yes, initially I had put a NC in place as he was so aggressive in his running from me and I had an acute stress reaction to the shock of it all and was bed ridden — there was zero communication for three months then January he emailed a friend and told her that he wanted to sort practical things so that we could both get on and build our new lives. He tried going around my NC essentially and create a triangulation scenario — he even went into detail in his email to her about how hard it will be and that we could use lawyers if it would be easier. Easier to tell a friend this than his wife.

I told this friend that I did not want a third party involved. He then emailed me but never had a question to ask me so I ignored the first two and had my lawyer respond to the third. I see his manipulation, and he is far from the man I shared 20 years of my life with, so I was not prepared to talk the division of assets, finances with him directly. He initially wanted all of this sorted the weekend after he left (when I was in not in a state to even understand what had happened)  :o

So all communication was via our lawyers. I then opened up email contact in March to discuss the handover of certain bills to me as it was getting too expensive to do all communication via lawyers. He was 'kind' in these emails, cooperative and not pushy. Saying he is happy to wait until I am ready. All is monitored by my lawyer, I send these emails of his to her, so I am protected at all times.

He has tried all kinds of things - extremely bullying, mocking, gaslighting, shaming letters from his lawyers. He added up all the bills he has paid over the past few years since I was building my business, referred to himself as my benefactor in a very belittling way in his legal letter. It amazes me that lawyers write letters like this. It is as if he has found a male lawyer who is also in a MLC as my lawyer was shocked by what they were writing, and confused, as all his bill adding up was essentially giving us evidence that he is legally required to pay maintenance until I find my independent financial feet.

He has tried emailing my lawyer directly, asking about how our dog is. He tried to keep pressuring me to sell the house to him when the whole world got scary during Covid-19 lockdown. He threatened to stop paying the bills he is paying come the end of May. With a lawyer as a father (who I see as never having come out of is own MLC) and an ex family court Judge as a step mother, he is trying all kinds of things.

He has since emailed our neighbours, who used to be our landlords, and who we bought the house off of, telling them that the intention is for me to buy the house. All very strange as he has not told me or my lawyer this.

I am hoping we can stay out of court as financially legal fees are straining but I will see what he comes back with when we have the legal review over the next couple of weeks. I will go to court if needed.

My lawyer feels very strong to me, she is not phased by bullies. And the bullying tactics were so shocking to me as I have never seen this side to my H before. For him to go from love to mocking-hate in a matter of months was terrifying for me.

I think back now and can see signs in hindsight, that did not make sense to me at the time.

— The infatuation with the sexy pilates teacher (who he phoned to asked out for a coffee the week after he left me, so that he could explain to her why he left me - all before he spoke to me!!! He never spoke to me. She said no, she doesn't meet married men for coffee - she is married and a grandmother).

— His aggressive SHHHHHHHH! at me during intimacy about a month or so before he left! That was horrific. I was so shocked that I just froze and didn't say anything and he just carried on and pretty much raped me. So different from the man I thought I shared life with for 20 years. He turned into a man-child, wild animal full of anger, all directed at me.

— In the week before he left I really saw him flipping backward and forwards between good and bad, struggling to be who he was. The anger just taking over him, he had no control over it. I see it more clearly now.

I had no idea that a MLC even existed. Now I know. And I feel for all LBS who have had to go through this or are going through it. It is very very ugly - my experience of it at least.

Job interview is now next week as they are waiting to hear some legal decisions at their end before they will know if they can take me on board - but they certainly want to.

Thanks for reading and for the support. It was good to have a little vent here as I do not talk to friends about this. H and I have known each other since we were 13 so we have a lot of shared friends so I need to be careful.


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« Last Edit: July 24, 2020, 02:03:16 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Re: Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#9: July 24, 2020, 02:10:09 PM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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