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Author Topic: My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support

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My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#10: July 24, 2020, 02:13:51 PM
Thank you OldPilot,

Knowledge is power indeed.

Yes, I feel I am now managing to get the focus off of him and on to my healing and am stepping out of being stuck in victim-land. Detaching is starting. I have a good therapist I am working with. One day at a time, with my lawyer slowing him down.

Thank you
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Re: Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#11: July 24, 2020, 04:23:17 PM
Wonder I am not liking his Monstering and how aggressiveness has gotten with you to a point of raping you.  That is not ok!!

Please tell your lawyer about this Wonder.  Don't hesitate.
He needs to KNOW this is not ok for him to do this..
This is about you safety.

If he did this once Wonder he will most likely do it again. Trust me.
You need protection.

Some of these Monsters get very aggressive.
Please take measures to keep yourself safe now.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#12: July 24, 2020, 05:13:08 PM
Thank you Thunder,

I will mention this to my lawyer.
She is protecting me in that she does not want him near me after his aggressive legal letters and is monitoring any direct contact (emails) he has with me which is minimal - and just about finances. He is pretty close to a vanisher.

He has been very aggressive. Total opposite to the man I knew for 20 years. Frightening stuff.

I have only seen him once since he left 10 months ago - and that was by chance. I drove past him. His body posture behind the wheel of his car was like an angry hunchback  - I honestly didn't recognise that posture in him nor his facial features. One very angry man.

Thank you
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#13: July 24, 2020, 05:17:23 PM
Hi Wonder, welcome to Hero's Spouse.

There are some MLCers who become very angry, as you said, totally opposite the way they once were.

It is a further indication of something that has changed drastically in them.

Please make sure that you are keeping yourself safe.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#14: July 24, 2020, 09:50:03 PM
Quote
He has been very aggressive. Total opposite to the man I knew for 20 years. Frightening stuff.

I want you to know, really know in your bones, that you are not the only person here who has experienced this level of aggression. Actually aggression isn't a big enough word.....it's a kind of non-specific rage....you can almost smell it even in an email......at you, at the world, at your lawyer. As if their baseline is angry before anything happens. And that his rage has nothing to do with you, it's not about you, it's about him.

Why? Bc experiencing this in someone we knew well who wasn't like this before is a) deeply frightening and b) absolutely bewildering. And that can create a kind of trauma response which gets in the way of being able to think straight.

I am so glad that you have a decent therapist supporting you and I hope she/he has talked to you about how our bodies react to trauma. I'm glad that you were wise enough to tuck yourself behind a decent lawyer who can act as your barricade. And to severely limit your direct contact with him. It took me much longer to do those things and I wish I had been as wise as you.

Deal with the legal/financial stuff when you are ready and as your L advises. Imho with this level of aggression it will be better for you to unhook from him sooner rather than later. None of us here wanted a divorce; many of us found that life did not start to feel safe or sane until after it was done.....so try not to be afraid of divorce and be clear in your own mind about why you are slowing it down. If it is in the hope that your h will 'calm down' and 'go back to normal', that is unlikely to happen in a timescale that fits - if it happens at all. If it is bc you need time to figure out what is best for you, that is more useful imho. And please accept that when you/your L do progress things, your h will get angrier - bc the divorce process has a way of forcing them to deal with adult reality they often don't much like - and may also illogically do things like not respond to paperwork etc for the very divorce he says he wants.  ::)

You have done so many smart wise things in the last ten months and I salute you for it.
Acceoting the reality of a divorce that makes no sense to you is very hard. Accepting the reality of what your h is like now and that he is a potential threat to your safety and sanity is even harder. Mourning the h you knew and loved, who was real Wonder, you didn't imagine those twenty years  :), is perhaps the hardest thing of all imho.

How are you getting on with the rest of life right now? From basics like food and sleep to bigger things like normal life and things that give you pleasure and calm? Do you have friends or family nearby to support you?

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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#15: July 24, 2020, 11:08:20 PM
Thanks  xyzcf - yes, I feel protected now.

Treasur, thank you for stopping by and offering support.

Quote
Actually aggression isn't a big enough word.....it's a kind of non-specific rage....you can almost smell it even in an email......at you, at the world, at your lawyer.

Yes, to me, it is a very very very dark, denomic, out of control rage. Definitely not safe for me to be around. To see his whole body change as the rage would come in, for no specific reason, to see his lack of control of it. It is very real. And yes frightening and bewildering when one does not understand at all what is happening.

Quote
I am so glad that you have a decent therapist supporting you and I hope she/he has talked to you about how our bodies react to trauma.

Yes, thank you. The therapy is Hakomi which is very body, mind, soul oriented. And I have a long term yoga practice and good teachers, so I feel I have a lot of awareness of how my body absorbed and reacted to the trauma. I am learning at least. And I have also learned that only LBS who experience this violent change in our spouses really understand.

On a physical level my hair has stopped falling out and is growing back. I lost it in clumps from the shock. I also have a very good Doctor who is part of my support team. I had a massage, that was gifted to me from a friend, a couple of weeks ago, and that was so lovely.

Quote
Imho with this level of aggression it will be better for you to unhook from him sooner rather than later. None of us here wanted a divorce; many of us found that life did not start to feel safe or sane until after it was done.....so try not to be afraid of divorce and be clear in your own mind about why you are slowing it down. If it is in the hope that your h will 'calm down' and 'go back to normal', that is unlikely to happen in a timescale that fits - if it happens at all. If it is bc you need time to figure out what is best for you, that is more useful imho

Yes, initially I needed time to be able to think straight - I was too full of shock and trauma and fear and confusions and totally overwhelmed. He wanted the final division ASAP and I was only just able to get out of bed, was so underweight, weak, confused, unable to eat properly, unable to talk to people... the list went on. So I was in no position to be making big life decisions.

And now we are keeping it to my timeframe to allow me an opportunity to shift from self employed to employee so that I am able to buy my home which we co-own. I am getting much closer to that, but wasn't even able to attend job interview up until a couple of months ago and then along came Covid. But hopefully in the next couple of weeks I will have the financial security I need and I will progress things with my lawyer.

I used to fear divorce, telling myself that we have a two year separation period here so that is good... he can't divorce me yet. But I have grown from that thinking pattern. A legal separation is pretty much a divorce, in that all assets are being prepared to be divided and as soon as both parties agree that they are ready, they are divided. And the two years is also there for a situation like mine where I need time to reestablish my life - he can't just make me homeless and without a place of work (my work studio is also on my home property). That threat of his would not hold up in court as he would be taking away my home and my source of income.

Quote
How are you getting on with the rest of life right now? From basics like food and sleep to bigger things like normal life and things that give you pleasure and calm? Do you have friends or family nearby to support you?

Much better thank you. I can sleep without sleeping tablets for a good number of months now. I have a yoga cabin in which I practice daily and I am very grateful for my yoga practice. I walk and run on the beach with my dog which brings me joy and calm. I am now able to eat more solid foods - still finding smoothies, and soups the easiest to digest. I have stabilised my weight and put back a couple of the six kilos that I lost very rapidly after he left as I was unable to eat at all. I have very good friends and my family is very supportive. I spend most days alone but that will change if this new job goes through. But I actually needed these months of being alone, to process and start to heal. I do not really socialise, although I did just meet a lovely lady in my village to introduce her to my dog, as she has offered to care for her if I end up being away from my home studio for work, and I really enjoyed sitting down with a cup of tea and chatting to a new friend. I have a very supportive community and neighbours help me with the heavy work on my yard that I am unable to do. And if I get scared, with earthquakes etc, my direct neighbours always text me to check in on me.

I am more prepared now for an aggressive response legally, now that the legal ball will get going again soon. I do not have any fantasies about my H being the man I remember. I have accepted this change in him and I do not like nor feel safe around how he is currently behaving.

Quote
Mourning the h you knew and loved, who was real Wonder, you didn't imagine those twenty years  :), is perhaps the hardest thing of all imho.

Thank you. Yes, we loved each other deeply. We each others best friend. Even lived in isolation for a year and a half together totally off-grid, away from other people and not all couples could do that I feel. Then he changed. I have grieved and continue to grieve, but the tears flow less now. I am no longer feeling like a desperately need him back. I have a trust and a faith that I will be alright. I have a lightness to my step that wasn't there before. I have even started singing along to music. The heaviness is lifting. Then something happens and I cry again, but less than before which was tears multiple times a day.

I really do feel so much stronger and I feel I am detaching. I feel I am gaining my independent feet - I am able to attend job interview with confidence and without that searing pain in my heart. I feel myself coming back and I feel I am growing to be stronger than I ever have been.

I was strong and attended a funeral of a shared friend who took his life. Very very sad. And that was a big step for me to step into facing the shame I was feeling. But once I did it, and I felt the love and support from my friends (who are also H's friends) that blew the imaginary shame away - but perhaps not fully. H could well have been there, but he did not turn up, and I took the risk of perhaps seeing him as I wanted to say goodbye to my friend who died. I stopped hiding.

Thank you and it feels so good to be able to communicate with people who understand this trauma.



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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#16: July 25, 2020, 02:47:42 PM
This morning's thought - is it due to the MLC spouse's lack of empathy in that they have absolutely no understanding of how much trauma the LBS experiences with the sudden ending of the marriage, no conversation, and then all the anger and blame that they direct our way. My H just thought he would send his marriage-ending text message to me on the Thursday and then that weekend we would sit down and discuss the division of assets.

In one of H's aggressive legal letters, he claims that I knew that the marriage was over, that I had been trying to save it for six months. None of which is true. How can he speak for me? He is getting his thoughts mixed up with mine perhaps in his co-dependant ways.

From my perspective it went like this — He told me he was struggling with himself, that it was not us, and then a few months later he runs away via a text message (BD3) never to be seen again. And that was a week after BD2 where he had his shoes on ready to to to his mums then after we talk he said his mind just went into a tailspin and then he went to see his therapist and again he came home all excited saying "It is not us, it is a MLC - she had so much information on it! Our marriage is fine and my therapist congratulated us on how well we communicated at BD2." At that stage I sense he did not want it to be us but he was just becoming so driven to run away, to be alone. So after him telling me that we communicated so well as BD2 and that it wasn't us he then stated in his legal letter that I persuaded him to stay after BD2. All was very bullying and awful to read. Such a contradiction to what he had ever said to me before.

And these aggressive legal responses came after my lawyer included a medical certificate for me, as I was at rock bottom and couldn't function and she wanted to communicate this to them to allow me time to be strong enough before making any big decisions. He just got more aggressive and accused my parents of 'rigging' the medical certificate. That was so low of him. He carried on to mock that I didn't have any reason or right to be shocked or suffering from this. The marriage breakdown was my fault apparently as 'sadly my behavior did not improve between BD2 and BD3' - which was only a 2 week period and he was away for the second of those two weeks. It was all my fault ... I persuaded him to stay at BD2 and then behaived so badly for the next week after he left. I went out of my way to support him during that week ... I pulled back on my work hours, didn't go away on the yoga retreat that was planned for that week, pulled out of the art therapy volunteer work I was doing to free up more of my time to offer to my H as support.

Was I 'perfect' during that week? Not at all but I don't recall behaving badly... I was in a state of shock and confusions so my feet were scrambling to find balance that is for sure. I also now see that he became passive aggressive and it was all my fault no matter what I did. I planned a weekend together then he gets a text from his brother the saturday afternoon asking H to spend the Sunday with him. I voiced, calmly, that I was upset that he was going to not spend the weekend with me as we had planned as my mindset was focused on connecting. H's mindset was with running back to his FOO.

He also became quietly angry one night that week when he came home from having drinks with a friend and found I was working late. I couldn't win. I now see that nothing I would have done that week was going to stop him from getting angry, justifying his reasons for the marriage being over and then running. So I try now to not analyse the things he says in legal letters to try to make sense of them. But I certainly did and I took all the blame on board initially.

H became very manic after BD2 and I just didn't know what to talk about with him - I didn't know him anymore and he appeared to have absolutely no concern for me and how I was feeling with all of this. No concern or understanding of the shock I was in that week... but granted I did not understand the shock I was in either. My coping mechanism was to essentially pretend everything was ok, believe what he said in that his mind just went into a tailspin, and that it would all just go away. He then had absolutely no concern or understanding of the shock BD3 caused. All he said was 'he will always be so sorry for sending that text message, but it is only in hindsight that he can see that, and that it just indicates how hard this is for him.'

To go from a man who would tell other man to back away from me, to a man who ran away and threw me out like a used toy.

I focus now on protecting myself. I worry less about whether H is ok. He has chosen to leave my care as his wife. I have to put all my energy into myself now. But it took me some time to get there. I love and care for someone for 20 years, have them vanish and try to turn off the love and care is not really possible. I am just learning to put it aside and not feel selfish just focusing on myself at this time. But I do still think of my H, the memories of our wonderful shared 20 years, often. And those memories bring tears of grief and loss to my eyes. I miss the man he was and now I am terrified of the aggressive stranger he has become.

And I learn to get used to not feeling understood by others. To no longer seek being understood by others. Nobody else is seeing what I see. Although I think H's mask may have cracked at times. One shared friend knows that H is in a crisis, as does H apparently, and has told H that I deserve to be treated fairly with kindness. I don't communicate with these shared friends about H said this and that anymore. I learned that was not helping me. Everyone just brings their own perspective to the table. It was just keeping my eyes on him and I need to keep getting stronger with keeping my focus on myself now.

I chose to marry someone who needed to be the knight in shining armour to lift his low self worth. I bought into his 'victim' seduction ways. I was young and did not understand. But I will not sit here and say our relationship was bad. We really had a wonderful 20 years together and I loved him to the best of my abilities and I was so very devoted and loyal to him. Now H has run saying he wants to be alone and not devoted to anymore after he ALWAYS put me first during our 20 years together.

Just getting this off my chest again.
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 03:16:52 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#17: July 25, 2020, 04:20:39 PM
I do not know if we can ever get our head around the sudden change and lack of any interest in resolving what ever it is that went wrong.  They are so cold, I truly do not think my husband has any idea of the trauma that this did to me.

Some have said that they absolutely must leave or they will die. It's not possible to pinpoint how this drive can be so intense that they leave behind everything that was once so good.

How can we resolve something that is so bizarre and so indescribable?  Others see our spouses and shrug...marriages break down, they must have had problems that others did not see..he seems ok...what's wrong with her..just move on......

Very few people understand.

Eventually I accepted that he's gone. The man I loved is gone...this shell, this ghost is not him but I cannot forget the 32 years we shared and I still miss him and our life and our family every single day. I don't think that is "abnormal" but I do live with it better than I once did.

Each story I read here, expresses the same sentiments and the pain that stays..because there is no closure really.

Just joining you in the reality we live in.....I used to say that if this were not happening in my life, I would find it fascinating psychologically..there really isn't anything I can compare this to..or what it did to me and continues to affect me, even though I am much much better.

I am sorry that you have to deal with all this..it is exhausting and very painful.  :'(
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#18: July 25, 2020, 05:35:52 PM
Thank you xyzcf - if feels very good to be understood here. Tonight I will pop into your threads to read your story.

I wanted to write down the contradictions in H's words as an exercise for me to see that he is confused and his blaming me really is his way of justifying his actions now that lawyers are involved.

1. First items pre-lawyers involved — 2. second items once lawyers involved and money asset division becoming real and him seeing that I am not just rolling over and giving him everything that he demanded on his IMMEDIATELY timeline:

1. Wonder if perfect, but I had to do this.
2. Wonder does not meet my needs.

1. This has nothing to do with behavior or anything like that within the marriage, this is entirely to do with me and what I need now. I need to be alone, completely autonomous and to look inwards psychologically and spiritually.
2. Wonder's behavior, the week before he left, did not improve, hence the sad end of the relationship.

1. I know this must appear so out of character to you and I know it also must have come so out of the blue to you.
2. Wonder knew our marriage was not going well and has been trying to save our marriage for six months prior to his leaving.

1. I never wanted to hurt Wonder, but I had to do this.
2. Blaming and shaming me in legal letters which just hurts me more when he knew I was at rock bottom.

1. I am leaving as I do now know who I am.
2. Wonder's behavior, the week before he left, did not improve, hence the sad end of the relationship.

1. There is no rush
2. H demands and threatens to buy the house and settle all assets, finances IMMEDIATELY in Feb this year in his first legal letter.

And this one still hurts me, but I am trying to get better at not taking on board blame that I caused this:
"I am leaving for my mental health!"

And to have his whole family block me hurts also. I was part of their family for twenty years then they just shut the door on me and treated me as the evil cause of H's pain.

Thank you for the support here. There is so much work on self to do to understand ourselves, our own personal traumas that we brought into the marriage. But one has to be so gentle as we are in such a traumatised state while we dig into our past selves. So much healing to do.



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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 05:43:15 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#19: July 25, 2020, 06:40:16 PM
Wonder

I hear you about the family stuff.  I’ve actually dreamt about them for the past two nights.  To be ghosted, then replaced, by somebody else is beyond reprehensible.  Like I never existed after 17 years.  Only person who has asked S17 how I am is XH’s grandmother, and it means the world to me. 

She thought that I mattered, even if nobody else did.
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 06:44:55 PM by megogirl »

 

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