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Author Topic: My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support

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My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#20: July 25, 2020, 08:40:18 PM
Hi megogirl,

Yeah, when so many MLC triggers are FOO issues I suppose it isn't surprising that inlaws can act in ways that feel lacking in compassion or kindness to us LBS. H's brother divorced a couple of years ago and the whole family ganged up on his x-wife calling her crazy_*name* etc, as if H's brother was perfect. I stood up for my sister-in-law and said to my H that I am sure that his brother is not perfect and that these things are not always so black and white. The whole family blocked her also.

I know they all talked to each other and said that if I contacted any of them, not to respond to me. I did however see H's brother in the supermarket in February and he was fine. Just said how hard divorce is (he is the one who divorced his crazy-*name* wife). And to be honest he has been in a crisis ever since. He looked terrible. I had a brief talked about my nephews and told him I didn't wish to talk about H and our divorce when he went there. But he was genuinely 'kind' in seeing me.

I feel for everyone here on this forum.
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 08:47:33 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#21: July 25, 2020, 10:55:09 PM
Wonder, I understand that itch to get things about h clear in your mind to protect your own sanity. Been there, got the PTSD hat  :)

I would humbly suggest though that focusing on the poop of what your h says/said may not be the most useful door. Why? Bc your h will say anything that fits the story he wants to tell himself in his head or that he thinks justifies his spectacularly s$itty behaviour or that he thinks will get him what he wants. These MLC types are confusing but they are not complex if that makes sense.

You may find it helpful to pull up to more of a simple helicopter view. Focus on simply dealing with his actions. Stop speculating on what he thinks or why bc imho even trying to think about what they think buys you a free ticket to the bonkers place and the rollercoaster that goes with it. Try very hard to focus on what you think instead. Does his behaviour seem reasonable or acceptable to you as a way to end a long marriage or treat you? Do you feel uncertain, confused, bullied or afraid? Focus on that.

There is a tipping point imho when the LBS simply starts to stop giving much credence to anything the MLCer says about anything.....you, him, the price of fish. When you accept that he may, for instance, believe that you failed him by not being 'perfect' in some magical undefined way.....but that just bc he believes it does not make it true or sane frankly. It is the beginning of real detachment, like your response to a crazy stranger in a tin foil hat who accuses you of being an alien  ::)......and it helps you to not be distracted by the dog and pony show of his words (which is probably part of his intention, it's why people lie and gaslight and bully others after all) but instead to see the pattern of behaviour you are currently faced with. The helicopter view can be very helpful.

I'd like you to try mentally repeating to yourself 'I don't care what h thinks about x or y anymore'..... :)
Make his opinions smaller so you can more clearly have faith in your own and deal with the reality in front of you. Bc your sanity is about being able to trust your own head as opposed to trying to translate his.....imho and from my own experience fwiw. Being able to trust yourself is magic kryptonite for dealing with trauma.
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 10:56:29 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#22: July 25, 2020, 11:56:45 PM
WOw, Treasure, thank you so much!
Such the perfect post for me just now.
I find myself doing better during the week days then the weekends I can rewind time and hear all these things that H has said.

This right here, new mantra:
Quote
'I don't care what h thinks about x or y anymore'

Reminds me what one of H's best friends told me ... that H has told him very little about why he ended the marriage, but this friend has told H that what he did is not OK. And if H tells him anything he takes it with multiple grains of salt.

And when I step up into helicopter view - to end a 20 yr relationship, 16yr marriage when he is away on business via an out of the blue text message, then turns his phone off and refuses to talk to me, and vanishes never to be seen again - IS TOTALLY DISRESPECTFUL TO ME. That is not how I would want to treat anyone. And it is not how I would want to be treated by my husband.

I tend to lean very strongly towards compassion - Poor H is in a crisis, that must feel awful. And I am just now learning that I have to put myself first now and leave him to do whatever it is that he is doing.

Thank you for these words Treasur - very helpful.
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« Last Edit: July 25, 2020, 11:59:28 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#23: July 26, 2020, 01:37:24 AM
You're welcome, my friend  :)
Just paying back what others did for me.

If it helps, I am not saying compassion has no place.
I am saying though that detachment makes it more possible to have compassion from a safe distance. Which tbh is a more honest kind of compassion bc it is not linked to an outcome you want or bc it feels like something you 'should' do. Or expect to receive bc I'd bet your h has shown you very little empathy or compassion.
And I am absolutely saying that you move self-compassion front and centre first.....you can give your h anything that's then left over if you feel like it lol.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#24: July 26, 2020, 01:40:20 AM
Thank you again Treasur.

The things we learn and sense changing in ourselves with the passing of time and healing. So much.

Thank you again  :)
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#25: July 30, 2020, 03:36:01 PM
Well - I wanted to do an anchor check. To gauge his level of aggression before my lawyer and I talk about next steps. I really felt I needed to do this, so I did. I sent a short email and I included, that 'I am sorry this has happened, it was never what I wanted but I understand that he felt he had to do this and I accept that...'

H has been more cooperative with the separation if he has a little bit of contact with me. And he became more cooperative in the legal negotiations as the months went by also. He started out aggressive, blaming, shaming, wanting the division of property ASAP, wanting me out of the house so he could buy me out, kept pushing during Covid lock down ... - wild caged animal stuff.

He replied and I might just let it sit there until I have some clarity around if I should respond at a later date and if so, with what. Certainly a lot of guilt in his message, and I am not going to be the person I used to be and say 'oh, it's alright, we all make mistakes.' His guilt is his to carry and I am not going to soothe him. Nor will I reach out to my family to start to repair the damage he has done there, for him. I notice that he does not ask me to contact my parents for him - he tells me, which feels controlling. He had an attack at my family in one of his legal letters earlier this year. He caused that damage, not me, so I will not get involved.

In my email I stated that I have a contract pending so that he had an idea about timing. I don't have a lot of money to have all communication to go through lawyers, so for me, I wanted to test the waters to see if he is still being co-operative and willing to give me the time I need to sort out my finances, without me having to get my lawyer to tell him this for me. 

His response:

Thanks for this. And I will wait to hear from you as to how the contract goes - I hope it works out well for you.

And I am also so very sorry this happened - it was never my intention, but in the end, I just had to listen to how I felt. I will always be particularly sorry about how I left - I was not, frankly, quite in my right mind - that is not to excuse it, but it is by way of some kind of explanation. I want us both to find the happiness we seek - truly - and so I am also truly sorry for the hurt I have caused.

I also wanted to say that I would like to write to your family - it was never my intention simply to disappear without saying something to them - but I feel that I should wait until you and I have finally sorted everything out. But perhaps you might tell them that I will be in touch later, when the time is right. They mean a great deal to me, and so I am also sorry for the hurt I know my actions will have caused them.


It amazes me how he can come across as sounding so sane. It all just sounds like a sad break up where the couple drifted apart. But oh boy, it is not that kind of marriage break up. How he left was via a text message while he was away on business, never to be seen again.

Well, tears. So much sadness, grief. I still love my H and this is very very sad. But I wanted to keep the contact open with him. He only left 10 months ago, so of course he is not through his crisis and and turning back. He has only just begun. And I will be standing, certainly while I am still married. From a non MLC perspective, I would be in denial to be standing. But I want to give us both time to see where this crisis goes. I know what we had. I see now the unhealthy aspects of our marriage that I was blind to before. Were they reasons to end a marriage? For me, no ... they were reasons to heal and grow together through honest communication - but instead we heal and grow apart. He left with no communication in his MLC as per the script.

Thank you. Any advice welcome.
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« Last Edit: July 30, 2020, 04:53:54 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

m
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#26: July 30, 2020, 04:44:55 PM
Wonder

Your H sounds well aware that he’s messed up right now.  Which is actually very astute for an MLCer.  He has seemingly acknowledged regret already.  That’s huge.

I forget how this MLC breed is described  - a Wallower, maybe?
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#27: July 30, 2020, 05:25:17 PM
The way I see it so far - he left in a 'panic' (his words) like an explosion and was lashing around attacking me, my family, my lawyer like an out of control caged animal. Then now, he has run out of energy to fight. Explosion to exhaustion.

He is now saying he wants me to buy the house, the aggression has gone (for now) is voicing guilt, wanting to apologise to my family. But I am not going to soothe his guilt. I am not doing that out of anger. I am doing it out of an awareness that in his mind I am not his wife any more so it is not my role to offer that kind of emotional support. He has to find his own way to work through his guilt and not use me to make it all better for him.

It was a good exercise for me to see how far along I am in detachment. Well ... getting there. I cried and cried in the shower after reading his email. But I have to let the tears out. I haven't cried properly in weeks.

Ten and a half months is a long time to go without seeing each other. Without having any idea what the other is up to. We do not know each other anymore and I know that.

He is a writer and he writes well, considered sentences. Right now his actions are somewhat matching some of his words in that he is voicing his guilt about his past actions and his actions now are much less aggressive, more cooperative. I know to keep my guard up. Right now he is in a wave of cooperation so I will see how long it lasts.

Thank you
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

m
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  • Posts: 3355
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#28: July 30, 2020, 06:28:32 PM
Wonder

Yep that’s sooo MLC.  They’re like the Road Runner - running like their hair is on fire and leaving a cloud of smoke behind.  I never understood the urgency and still don’t. 

“Wave of cooperation” Lol....also sooo MLC.
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« Last Edit: July 30, 2020, 07:35:06 PM by megogirl »

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#29: July 31, 2020, 02:40:01 PM
Wonder

Your H sounds well aware that he’s messed up right now.  Which is actually very astute for an MLCer.  He has seemingly acknowledged regret already.  That’s huge.

I forget how this MLC breed is described  - a Wallower, maybe?

Thanks for stopping by Megogirl.

Yes, it is interesting to see that in the 10 months since he has left he has gone from raging wild bull in a cage, lashing out at everyone (me, my lawyers, my family), yelling, hang up phone calls, aggressive emails... totally out of control and seeing nothing wrong with ending a marriage this way.

Now he has some guilt and shame and regrets around how he left the marriage. And of course, he carries on separating from me - we are only at 10 months post running away.

He has slowed down - he was at IMMEDIATELY for the final division of property in January and now he is happy for me to take the next 8 weeks to get a contract sorted. I communicated this in my email - to give him an update instead of going through my lawyer who would have just told him the same thing. That I need more time essentially. No push back from him at all. That is a big change.

I do have faith in him. He is in a crisis but he is also a wise man who looks inwards. He is wallowing away at his mothers and has cut contact with most of his friends. He reads and thinks and reads and thinks, trying to make sense of things.

I wanted him to know that I am sorry this has happened and it was not what I wanted. I also wanted to give him something positive in his depression and I told him that I knew he was a good man. I know he is a better man than those actions of his. I wanted to try this communication, to plant the seed that I accept his right to his feelings and that I am sorry but I am not angry. I am a safe space. The seed is now planted. I am feeling my way and trusting my gut on what to communicate - but nothing is done in haste. It took me two months to find the right time to send that email. It did not feel right prior to this week.

I had so little chance to get any of my voice in, as he just ran away. So now I have said those words in a manner that indicates he is free but it is not what I wanted. I also sense that he knows that I am still here for him, but I am giving him signs that I am letting him go. He does know how much he has hurt me and that hurt was because I loved him and chose him as my husband. I am letting him go and it hurts, but he has to sense that I am moving forward without him I feel. To have a feeling of really having lost me. I am not doing the letting go to control, I am letting go for my own healing so that I can focus on myself, and learn and grow and not get caught up in his own learning and growing ... which at this stage we can not do together.

It is tricky for me to know how much communication to keep with him. I am trying to follow my instincts on this and be aware as to why I am communicating with him if I chose to. Other advice is to go dark as he is essentially divorcing me, but I find he is more cooperative in our separation if he has some direct communication with me, as opposed to doing it all through the lawyers. I do not have a lot of money to have the lawyers do everything so right now I am finding the balance of what I can communicate with him and what I need my lawyer to communicate to protect me. It is a conscious strategy I am using at the moment. He is currently in a mindset of 'give Wonder everything so I can just get the heck out of here and be done with it'. So I don't need my lawyer for every detail right now. But she is there if he revs up again. And there for the big decisions around the house.

I keep our minimal communication very sparse, focusing mainly on finances. But the last one I wanted to do an anchor check and put in the 'I am sorry this happened, it was not what I wanted ...' And I am pleased I did, as it gave me some insight into where he is at.

His words that he wants us both to find happiness feels like projection to me. Is that what that is? He was unhappy so he assumed I was unhappy and seeking happiness also? I was happy in my marriage. I was happy with him as my life partner. I struggled the 6-months before he left as he had entered replay at that stage and was already running (traveling) and was totally cut off from me and disrespectful. But up until then, we had so much good. And of course, there was always work to do as we came together as two immature broken people, but we did our best and were happy.  But he perhaps no longer sees the happy times. And I feel he felt like he could no longer bring me happiness going by some of the words he said at BD.

He has told a friend that the knows he is in a crisis.
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« Last Edit: July 31, 2020, 02:54:07 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

 

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