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Author Topic: My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support

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My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#30: July 31, 2020, 04:23:03 PM
Hi Wonder,

Time will tell if/how he is moving through his crisis, or is he in a mid life transition perhaps since he seems quite aware that he is in a crisis of some sort and was able to articulate that he is "sorry that this happened"..yet he is still pushing forward with the divorce.

Before I found HS, when he would seemingly appear like he was coming closer to me in the first year after BD, I termed it flipping...the term used here is cycling.

There were 5 times in that first year that I was to go back to be with him, and the last of those 5 times, I was to move to another country that he had accepted an assignment in (without consulting me but I was game to go because I just wanted us to be together again)....

I watched for signs and spoke to other LBSers about any "movement" that I observed from him..waiting for that next email to me, waiting to hear that this was all a mistake.....time passed, years went by, sometimes he would ask me to go away on a  vacation with him, sometimes he would buy me expensive and thoughtful gifts, he always maintained some kind of contact with me even though he lived on different continents....

I am going to disagree with mego that his acknowledgement of regret is "huge". There is a great deal of confusion in their minds in those first couple of years and it keeps us in a state of waiting..because why else would they continue to be in contact with us unless they missed us and wanted to come home but somehow they just can't....

We really do not know what is going through their minds, and it changes from one day to the next..MLC takes a long time. The anger and raging has calmed down from the early days...but that could be because he is more sure that what he wants is to be let out of all responsibility and to be free.

Often, as long as we remain the "good girl" they will be "nice"..they wear their masks well.

No one could have told me what I am telling you in those early years, I just would not have "listened". I do believe in MLC Wonder and some MLCers make it back home...continue to work towards protecting yourself financially and building a life without him.

Your life now is what matters. He is on his own journey. I agree that being calm and kind is fine....it is who I want to be and I am one that sees that something really terrible happened for this Beloved spouse to do the things he has done....just keep moving forward , make new friends, find work if you need $$, talk to professionals about financial planning for your future, take care of yourself physically, emotionally and try not to get sucked into the changing words/actions of the MLCer...for they wear you down and stop you from finding a life of your own.

He can always join you later on, if that is what you wish....the problem with their contact is that it reinforces our desire for them, for the life that we had and can prevent us from living in the moment and preparing for a future without them.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#31: July 31, 2020, 11:52:30 PM
Thank you xyzcf,

I appreciate your words here. And hearing about your experience.

I am not too familiar with the difference between a MLC and a transition. I thought that if the MLC spouse blew up their family and ran away it was a crisis? The thing about my h's crisis is that it really exploded during the 6-months after he halved his prozac dose, suddenly, on his on accord, in January 2019. He changed rapidly after that. I am not insinuating that halving his medication caused the crisis, he was already in his crisis (the early stages for a couple of years before this). But the lowering of his medication appears to have ripped the lid off, and he just changed so quickly. It is a big deal to halve the seratonin to ones brain, from one day to the next, after one's brain knowing the higher dose for over 20 years.

Yes, the fact is, I have no idea what he is doing. I do not know if he is a wallower .... for all I know he could be going to strip bars every night and have multiple affair partners. I have no idea. And he is certainly not the man I knew so I can't let myself go down the path of assuming he is acting this way or that, that is for sure.

His words and actions towards me, indicate to me, that he has run out of steam a bit for now and there is guilt. But I don't really know. He is less aggressive, less psychotic, and being patient with me and my right to time which I paid my lawyer a lot of money to gain for me. His 'I am so very sorry' email is just written words and he is a writer who can mask behind words very well. His words have an emptiness to them to me, but perhaps that is because I have never known this man outside of our love - he no longer appears to love me so his words certainly have a sterile feel to them. He feels like a stranger, as he is.

I won't be replying to his email as there is nothing for me to say. I have put it away in a 'Separation' folder and don't need to read it again. I keep my contact with him minimal as I need to focus on me, building my own life, it takes a lot of energy re-starting one's life from scratch. We have only had about 6 emails in the 10 months since he left. All about finances except for this last one where I added the extra.

I have my lawyer informed and ready to step in at any moment if I need. I am protected. She is wary of him. The way I have organised it with my lawyer, is that she is there dealing with the division of assets and I deal with small things directly with H. And so far that is working in my favour, so I continue that. It is working better than doing everything through the lawyers. But I am on guard that it might change. Feeling my way with communication with him. I have said what I wanted to say, I see he is continuing with the divorce so I won't be sending any emails that are not finance-related. I can not be his friend after being his partner for over 20 years.

I don't feel he is cycling towards me. He is still very clear in his mind that he wants a life without me.

Hard and painful path, and I try my best to let him go. I grieve.

Thank you

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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 12:07:17 AM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#32: August 01, 2020, 12:28:58 AM
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Right now his actions are somewhat matching some of his words in that he is voicing his guilt about his past actions and his actions now are much less aggressive, more cooperative. I know to keep my guard up. Right now he is in a wave of cooperation so I will see how long it lasts.

You seem to be remarkably level-headed, Wonder, for what in crisis time is pretty early days.
We all, I think, have to be careful as LBS of the natural instinct to confirmation bias....to having a belief and seeing what we want to see that fits that. Which is normal and understandable, but not always very helpful. With hindsight and time, it is easier to keep it simpler.....to need to label less and to just focus on their actions and the effects on our own life of those actions. And if a given approach is working for you currently, carry on doing that until or unless it stops working  :)

Tbh I think one of the wisest things you say is that you do not know your h any longer, at least not now.

Broadly speaking, that is the reality for most LBS and it is a strange reality after knowing someone intimately for so long isn't it? But it took many of us much longer to accept that, so you are doing well. It doesn't change some of the emotions or remove the grief; those seem to take their own course. But it will help you to navigate this 'new normal' with less self-inflicted damage from expecting your h to behave like the person you knew imho.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#33: August 01, 2020, 12:41:22 AM
Hi and Thanks Treasur,

Thanks for this confirmation that I am on track:
Quote
And if a given approach is working for you currently, carry on doing that until or unless it stops working  :)

The communication I have with h for now is working in terms of what I need in his legal separation. He was cooperative in giving me time to see how this new contract goes before progressing his separation.

I can handle the odd email with him. I would rather do that then spend hundreds of dollars for my lawyer to write a simple email about the power bill in my place. For now he is cooperating with me, yes.

Thank you

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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#34: August 01, 2020, 06:10:47 AM
Hi Wonder,

After spending thousands in lawyer's fees, my husband called me up and proposed a settlement that our highly paid "lawyers" had not considered....it was very much to my benefit and so after mediation and lawyers visits which cost an outrageous amount of money, I presented this to my lawyer and she felt it was the best deal I was liable to get. I totally agree that it is possible and far less costly to be able to work out many details between the two of you.

I often said that I had to separate the "business" from the "emotions" and get the best settlement I could..because I couldn't go back after and get any more. You are taking your time to make sure you have everything covered and that is great!

I mentioned a mid life transition because there have been some spouses who have a "short" and less severe crisis and they don't blow up everything. There is really no way to tell until later in the process perhaps so I am not at all suggesting that your husband is having one or the other.

The antidepressants and the sudden decrease in dose could be a factor as well.

As we often say, MLC is a combination of physical, biochemical, psychological factors..add fear of getting older, stress and childhood trauma and family of origin issues and who have this "soup" of factors that contribute to their crisis.and probably other factors as well.

You are doing very well and making sure that you are taking care of things and being well informed on issues. Good stuff!

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#35: August 01, 2020, 09:21:38 AM
Hello Wonder,
I have been following your story.  Bomb drop for me was 5/19 H left 12/19 married 40 years. Selfishly i read in great detail your post (looking for similarities) and the Veterans responses.  I am always amazed in the strength of others.

I especially liked your comment; "but i am not going to soothe his guilt".  I do not initiate contact w H but i do reply when he texts.  I do this to avoid the pain it causes me when he occasionally does not respond or says something i did not want to hear (no expectations).

I talked to H over the phone July 26 first live chat since 12/19.  H is not raging never really did but it was clear i was not speaking to my husband.  He was confused and spoke about all the bad luck going on in his life and could not stay on topic.  I listen to Kenda and the Veterans and for the first time in our 40 years i did not offer him a solution to his problems.

If H ever decides to have the "I am sorry" conversation with me i want to be able to answer and not say " that's ok".  Because as you know it's not ok.

You are doing great, i suggest that you be cautious with any kindness he shows at this stage.  As LBS'rs we all look for that nugget that makes us believe they are coming back to us.  As the Veterans say MLC is a marathon not a sprint and it takes time. 

I will be following you posts
5Hil

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#36: August 01, 2020, 01:42:03 PM
Hi xyzcf - thnk you again for stopping by.

And it is good to hear these words of yours as I really feel I am doing the right thing just now in trying to work out some of the settlement with H directly. And I have my lawyer there if he starts to demand unreasonably again.

Quote
After spending thousands in lawyer's fees, my husband called me up and proposed a settlement that our highly paid "lawyers" had not considered....it was very much to my benefit and so after mediation and lawyers visits which cost an outrageous amount of money, I presented this to my lawyer and she felt it was the best deal I was liable to get. I totally agree that it is possible and far less costly to be able to work out many details between the two of you.

Yes, well H is certainly on the path of blowing everything up. He is divorcing me. But yes, time will tell. I am healing. This is painful. I am still learning how to live with the shock of his sudden running away and just disappearing from my life. I am getting my own life on to a path of it's own. It all takes a lot of energy especially while I am grieving the loss of my life partner and best friend. He changed so very suddenly from 'I am struggling with myself, it is not us' to his running away to be alone and straight to divorce. All exploded in this direction over a 4-month period but of course he never said anything to me, I just sensed he withdrew and started acting differently - his energy changed. Decision made.

5hil - it is so nice to meet you and I am sorry that it is in these circumstances.

Our BD's were actually around the same time. My BD1 was May 2019 - 'I feel like the relationship is one-sided'. And the anger and withdrawal revved up and he just started acting 'strange' to me. The disrepsect came in. I did not even know what to talk about with him. I didn't know him anymore, I now see in hindsight.

So, I am right with you in terms of timing. 40 years of marriage is so long. Sending you support.

Communication in these early days isn't easy, is it? I still cycle after emails from H. I woke up in tears this morning. I am staying with my parents and all the memories of the times H and I woke up in this bed together. Grieving takes time, so much time.

For me, I just sense that H now has some awareness that his behavior was not good in the way that he left. He has said I am sorry for that but I know that if I was to do something bad to another person and I really felt remorse, not just guilt, I would go about trying to repair the damage I had done, not just write in an email 'I am so very sorry'. If my H gets to remorse that won't be until much later in his crisis - from what I have learned he is not strong enough yet to be able to fully see what he has done and just how destructive his actions were to me. I am learning the difference between guilt (which can be selfish) and true remorse. If H was ever to talk to me directly about being so very sorry, I would potentially ask him 'And what are you going to do about that'. Put it back to him so as not to take his guilt-sorry away from him. It is not mine to carry. And I will not be replying to his 'I am sorry' email. The old me, the Wonder who H saw as his wife, would have offered him comfort, told him it is ok, gone into a conversation about how he/we can repair the damage. But this is not that kind of situation. He has no intention of repairing the damage at this stage - he continues to divorce me.

Yes, H's kindness is strange for me - it is a 'kindness' from a stranger. It is devoid of the love we shared for over 20 years. I am getting better at disassociating his kindness from all the happy memories of the life we shared. Some days, moments are a lot easier than others.

I do have faith in him and our marriage. Just a matter of months before he left, before BD1 - I remember us hugging in the kitchen saying to each other how lucky we were to have each other, how it is hard to find a partner like we have found in each other. We loved each other. We loved sharing life together. In April 2019 he wrote in his wedding anniversary card to me 'Thank you for choosing to share life with me'. Then in Sept, he was gone.

I will follow along your thread also. Take care.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 02:04:24 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#37: August 01, 2020, 04:14:27 PM
Hello Wonder. I’m not sure I’ve written on your thread before but I’m following along. I just wanted to say how well I think you’re doing. It’s remarkable how similar most of our stories are and some even more than others. I am exactly a year ahead of you (BD1 April 18, gone Sep 18, told me over the phone) and still feel the shock of what has happened daily. Your story and how your marriage was and your feeling for your H, and even how your H has acted/progressed (if we can call what they’re doing ‘progress’) are very familiar to me. Where we differ is you’ve gotten yourself to a better place much quicker than me! lol I spun and spun for at least 14 months and I still flop all over the place with my feelings. Because of this I don’t post much because I don’t feel I can offer much good advice to others. But I am all for encouraging others and honouring how well they are doing. And also for thanking them for sharing their stories so I feel less crazy! So thanks, I’ll continue to follow along and learn from those members like yourself who might be behind me in distance-from-BD but are ahead in their healing.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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#38: August 01, 2020, 05:21:24 PM
I read somewhere that the flip is sudden and quick and they move on to escape and avoid.  My H left on his annual family visit in April 2019.  While he was in the airport he sent me an Italian love song that said "dont worry i will always come back". On Valentine's 2019 he gave me a beautiful card and a heart shape planter with plants that were still alive when he returned.  But upon his return after a few days i realized he never came back.
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#39: August 01, 2020, 09:13:52 PM
Hello Evemore - good to meet you also, in this very hard circumstances. I am sorry you are here, I feel for all LBS - this is one hard path to walk.

Thank you for your kind words. Honestly, I have my moments. I still cry, I still feel in shock, I grieve - but I was fortunate to find Heart Blessings just a month after H left and I feel I have been studying MLC ever since. So I am walking my journey, and it is far for easy or comfortable. But I have come a long way from the first months where I was essentially in bed all day every day. I just shut down totally and was in a total panic. His text triggered an acute stress disorder in me which progressed to PTSD. I have a good therapist who has been very helpful. And my yoga practice to release stored tension in my body and walks/runs on the beach.

My H does not yet have a known AP - that would have been too much for me at BD - but I prepare myself for it in the future. I send so much support to those of you who had to cope wtih AP at BD or shortly after.

5hil - yes, the change I can now see gradually built in confusion in H and than BAMB, once the train left the station he was off and the speed just kept on picking up.

Thank you
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

 

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