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My Story Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#40: August 03, 2020, 04:27:17 PM
Wonder

You may be surprised when (if?) you learn of an AP.  It’s devastating, but oddly also a relief.  It puts an end to the mystery.

It also provides confirmation that they’re (most likely) in a MLC.
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#41: August 03, 2020, 05:00:20 PM
Thanks Megogirl,

I have no doubt in the whole of my being that this is MLC.
He appeared to have a fantasy about our pilates teacher, but that was just in his mind, certainly not hers. That I know.
He may have gone back to the woman he had an affair with, behind our shared friend's back, just before we were together.
But I try not to torture myself in trying to guess.
He left telling other woman that I don't meet his needs (how very disrespectful to say that about me to other women) so he may well be on a mission to get his changed needs met.

I did not listen to my intuition when we first got together over 20 years ago. I feared he would do to me what his father did to his mother (MLC affair, blew up family, moved home and out again). And I suppose subconsciously this fear of mine was always there. Now I prepare myself to learn the truth. But at the same time it would not surprise me if he is just in multiple EA's with unavailable women. But, what do I know. I have no idea.

Hard path to walk.

Thanks.
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Re: Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#42: August 03, 2020, 05:05:49 PM
Mego that could be true, but my XH went 7/8 years after his divorce and he never had, or found an ow.  Some Wallowers just never do.  They don't have the energy for it.
His alienator was his work.

I would say, sure be aware and keep your eyes open, and be prepared but it is not a slam dunk there is always someone else, Wonder.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#43: August 03, 2020, 05:19:14 PM
Thanks Thunder,

I do know there was no PA before left. Just a little personal insight I have.
I don't try to torture myself. I don't know but what I do know is he is very very broken and ran home to his mother 'for loving and nurturing'. He ran to his mums not the arms of another woman when he left.

Deep breaths. Thank you
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Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

W
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#44: August 16, 2020, 02:01:35 AM
Hi all,

Just an update from me.

H continues down his road of distancing form me, still with lots of guilt and being soooooo cooperative in terms of the legal separation that is underway.

He continues to respond better if I email about anything that needs sorting - and I inform my lawyer and have her there to step in if I need her.

11 months since his run away text message. 11 months since I last saw him, spoke to him. He just disappeared. Wow.
All his clothes and belongings are still here. He is still living at his mums.

I keep focused on living my life forward and yes I grieve.

A friend of the family saw H last week and said he looked very overweight and miserable. In the 35 years since I have known H, I have never known him to be overweight, but I did notice his weight going up in the 6 months before he ran away, and as his alcohol consumption increased considerably.

H still in agreement for me to buy the home, at this stage. And I know to be aware that this may change. The angry monster appears to have exhausted himself for now - at least in the psychotic anger that was directed towards me, totally out of control in the months before he left and the month after he left before I went total NC to protect myself. He was out of control. Now his emails, to me, just sound as though he is lost in his writer's fantasy - he is a writer and very good with written words - his words just feel lost in his story/theory in his head, to me. But I could be wrong, of course, I am not him.

I am socialising more, got a new contract to help me purchase the house and will start advertising for a flatmate (room mate) soon to help me out financially. A big compromise, going back to a house share situation with a stranger after sharing a home with H for over 20 years. But I think I will have to do it for finances. Sigh. Doing what I need to do but I do appreciated my alone time, my space.

H does not know that I am standing, at this stage. Should he? Or is this too soon to be worried about that? He sees me moving forward without him. He knows I am planning to buy the home, have got new work etc. I do not initiate contact unless really needed re finances. I have only sent two or three emails in the past few months and I keep emotion out of it - keep it to business. This man is divorcing me so I focus on protecting myself. He is narcissistic and depressed (of course, he is in MLC) and feels I will be happier without him. I do not always reply to his email responses if they do not need a response. His last one told me that he was under pressure at work - not my role as his thrown out wife to offer him support, so I did not reply to that email. I just don't want to be manipulated and walked over by him. I am learning to live life without needing him. That is my focus right now. Feels to be the right thing to be doing for now.

Thank you for reading  :)
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« Last Edit: August 16, 2020, 03:11:20 AM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#45: August 16, 2020, 06:47:58 AM
Hi Wonder,
it's funny how one gains strength from something that hurts like hell.  I am so glad that you are moving forward so gracefully.  Our bomb drop was around the same time mine was 5/19 so i follow your updates.  I will say i do not trust when they appear to be "cooperative".  I experienced that with my H before i started researching MLC. I now believe a lot of his cooperation was in preparation to run..........

I met my H when i was 17 and honestly never thought he would not be by my side until "death due us part".  Cliche I know but we did not have a lot of disagreements, we worked hard and played hard together.  For now i am happy to only reply to his occasional text because i honestly do not want to know what he is doing.

Unlike your H mine has ran away to another country, i guess he believes i can do it all  by myself without him.  To date he has not asked for a divorce and he does not spend money from our mutual bank accounts or use any of our credit cards. He recently ask me to add my name to his bank account.  I already have access to all of his personal financial accounts since he sent me pass words etc.  So for now i guess there is some element of trust for me within him.

I am afraid to let my guard down since i don't know the man in my H's body.  So i am always on alert.  It really sucks to feel this way about someone you have trusted with your life for 40 years.  Be cautious with all that you do with your H, as the Veterans say "it's a Marathon not a Sprint" .

Take care,
5hil
(Father's day)
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#46: August 20, 2020, 02:41:56 AM
Hi 5hil - thanks for stopping by.

We are on a similar timeline - my BD1 was May 2019... although I didn't know that at the time, I just got confused ('I feel like the relationship is one-sided', 'do you really love me?'), H then traveled non stop after that so I hardly saw him, he started running then until he ran away for 'good' to his mother's in September 2019. H left in his mind long before he left in body. I see that he has been in his crisis for a good 3 -4 years. His pattern is to run to his family when he is hurting and he ran to his father, telling him of how unhappy he was mid-2017. He never talked to me of course! In hindsight I did sense a shift in how close H felt to me since 2017 - it would come and go and he started seeming very interested in the pilates teacher around this time. No PA, she is a married grandmother, but certainly, a fantasy was building in his head from 2017. He has been feeling 'unhappy' for quite some time.

In his mind, he thinks I have been unhappy all that time too. So interesting how he thinks I feel the same way that he feels and that he thought I could read his mind!

I have had a few emails with H this week. Good to have a break from that now.

So the emails were about .... H decided to sell the car he has been driving - it is owned by both of us, and buy a new car. Hmmm quite classic MLC stuff going on here. I believe he was not going to tell me, and certainly not my lawyer, about selling the car - I only found out as he wasn't able to cancel the insurance without me agreeing to it and letting the insurance company know. He blamed it on being under pressure with work, and it was thoughtless of him not to tell me. So yup, he actually sold a rather large piece of relationship property, without telling me, while we are in the middle of a legal separation  ::)

I initially felt emotional, reacting (within myself, not in my response to him ... I took two days to respond to his email about him selling the car and asking me to contact the insurance company), as all the happy memories of us travelling the country in that car came flooding back to me. We had a nick name for her and he just plain said 'I have sold [car nickname]. It hurt as it was another yank away from me from him. Him getting rid of any and everything that connects back to me and the 'awful' marriage we had! But I gave myself time to understand my reaction and to settle before I responded to him. And after advice from my lawyer.

He then seemed to have his tail between his legs when I voiced that I would have like to have been informed and asked him to not sell any further items of relationship property without first running it past me or my lawyer. He then offered to pay me my half the selling price of the car. Then said it would work better for him financially if he deducted my share of the car sale from the cost of me buying him out for the house. I thought about this, got advice from my lawyer, then decided, actually no I would like half of the sale price of the car now as it makes me feel more financially secure having a good amount of padding in my bank account. Financially I am in a good place at this time, so I don't 'need' it, but I just prefer to have it now as opposed to later deducted from the house cost as it will turn to nothing there compared to the large amount of money we will be dealing with. So I let him know that I would like it before the house sale, ideally in a month's time. He could have monstered at me, but I took the risk, I got tired of being afraid of his monster. He wrote back and said that is fine and is going to pay me in a couple of week when he gets his new paycheck. Let's see if it happens. In any case, my lawyer has it all noted down so nothing is going noticed in the face of the law.

I don't know what he is spending all his money on! Oh ... new clothes (as all his clothes are still here at the house - minus his undies, that is all he took!). But as we know MLC spouses love to buy new stuff for a new high.

So we had a few emails this week about the car. I kept it very business-like. He signs his emails with, "I hope your day goes well". I am not being quite so casual in my emails at this time and am not reciprocating in the tone of friendliness. He knows I do not want this separation, he continues to separate from me ... I am turning my back on him to keep my focus on me. My detachment is getting stronger. And I am a stander at this stage.

His mirroring of my emails is really quite strange - word for word mirroring most of the time. Have other's noticed this?

I started a new secure employment contract this week which went very very well. Really enjoy the new work. This is part-time and I am continuing to run my business alongside it. So, I am pretty much financially independent now. I will be putting in an application to the bank to take over the mortgage next month. And I have started looking for a flatmate (roommate) to help me financially if I am successful in taking over the mortgage. I had such a mental block about this - I had some idea that I could not achieve this level of financial independence, that I needed my husband to be by my side, sharing expenses with me. Well, I did. And I did it while carrying all the trauma and pain from this MLC experience.

Thanks for reading along.  :)
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« Last Edit: August 20, 2020, 03:11:16 AM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#47: August 20, 2020, 07:02:53 AM
Hi Wonder,
bottoms up to the financial security you have secured!!!  You are raising the bar very high. I don't have very much interaction with H but when i do it is always pretty calm and courteous.  At this point we do not have anything to fight or argue about.  I am not pursuing him and he is not trying to tell me what to do.

I was looking on Facebook this morning and a picture of him from three years ago popped up.  He was so happy and it reminded me of how happy it made me feel when he was smiling and happy.  I had to move on and not dwell on then and do what i do best and distract myself.  I am glad your post was here to read and give me an opportunity to release a bit.

I believe, do not know, my H is in his happy land if that's what you can call it.  I am standing and will take care of the home we purchased together one day at a time.  That is my position for now and at this point H does not give me any reason to do otherwise.

So far it has been best for me to just answer his text quick and direct.  If i do try to converse i can read his anger and how he is and was a victim.  The words he chooses can and do hurt so it is just best to keep it short and sweet.

All of his stuff is here too and i am finally able to look at it and keep moving.  Not sure if that is part of my growth or indifference. Since it is only just over a year i am nervous that this could be calm before the storm.  I have read such terrible things the MLC'RS do i feel i can never let my guard down.

Well i am off to go trim some trees before it gets blazin hot. 

Take care and be the strong one you are,
5hil
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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#48: August 22, 2020, 08:11:41 PM
Hi 5Hil - I too see photos of H when he was happy, when he had love in his eyes for me. Those days are long gone.

I just made everything on my FB page hidden to public, which felt good. I do not post on my personal facebook page but I need to keep it in order to keep my business pages up and running.

I have also blocked my H on my cell phone, what's app and business email address. If he needs to get hold of me, the way he can is via my personal email, and this is how we currently communicate. I am tired of hoping that maybe today I will get a text from him ... saying he has made the biggest mistake of his life. I feel I have to let go of the hope. Some people may say not to block him, but he currently knows he can email me if he needs me. I just want to start getting him out of my life. Just as he is doing with me - pushing me out at each step of his separation. Am I pushing him away in anger? Yes, at the moment I am angry. I have been so compassionate, and now I am angry. The compassion is still there but the anger stage of grief is rearing it's head. I am going through the stages;

Perhaps I am just acting emotionally, I am. But I am trying to better accept that he has gone and getting him out of my life by blocking him, packing away his belongings helps with this, for me. He has gone. If he returned broken would I take him back? Yes. But what are the chances of him turning back - no body knows.

I was thinking about standing today. How we say we are standing for ourselves. Isn't this just sensible healing? In that, we are deeply traumatized by the betrayal and abandonment from the spouses we trusted and loved . Who in their right mind would enter into a new relationship in this state! (Someone in a MLC would of course!). But all going well, this experience has not thrown us into a MLC of our own - we are deeply wounded and those wounds will take much time to heal.

I feel that hope is dangerous for me. The knowledge that he is in a crisis, that he is altered at this time, that God does not like divorce ... just give me hope and having hope whilst letting go contradict each other for me. I need to really learn to now picture my future without him. Learn to cope with all the beautiful memories of love we had and let them go. Knowing that that marriage, which we both were so grateful for, ended so suddenly because he broke into a million pieces, lost himself and blamed me.

I put more of H's belongings into his study today. And took down the last wall hanging that was signed 'to H and Wonder'. Put that in his study also. I know these are material things, but having them around the house does not assist with my acceptance of my new reality. I don't want to see him around the house anymore. To me it felt as though I was just hoping he would walk back through the door. That I would see his eyes filled with the love I know he had for me and that I offered back to him. We really loved each other. Hi walking back through the door with these eyes is not going to happen. He ran away via a text message almost a year ago. He replaced his wife with his mother (who abandoned him as a baby). I have not seen him since or spoken to him. He attacked me via his lawyers, sent me legal letters on our wedding anniversary trying to get me out of the house (so he could move back in) when the whole world got scary in went in to lockdown with Covid. I was alone and scared and he continued to attack me. How sick is that?

Yes, keep your guard up 5hil. I do not trust my H one little bit. How can I trust him when he doesn't know who he is and nor do I.

I think how H told me exactly what is going on at BD. 'I hate myself. I don't know who I am'. And that is exactly what all of this is about. He hates himself and projects that self-loathing on to me.

H believe what he was thinking was what I was thinking ... that I was as unhappy as him. I knew he was struggling with himself which was rocking me around as he was in anger, denial for a couple of years and then escape and avoid for 6 months before he left. But no, I was never unhappy with H as my husband. I loved him and was committed for life.

I have also filtered H's emails so that they do not go into my inbox. They go to a folder that I have called 'delete' as one day I will delete his emails. I can look at them when I am ready, not when they appear in my inbox. Not that he emails much. But while I was doing this email tidy up I read the emails he sent a few weeks after he ran away. They were addressed to 'Hi sweets', 'Hi my love' and signed with X's. Asking about our dog etc. How very quickly he then disappeared into the tunnel to start lashing out blame, shame and gas lighting me. I had to get my doctor to write a thorough medical report for my lawyer to send his lawyer to get him to back off. But he kept going. Saying he 'cared' about my well being. Wild caged bull.

Now he is being cooperative in any financial dealings we have via direct email. I suspect he is just saying what he knows I want to hear so that I don't go back to my lawyer where he loses total control of me and has to pay the big $ to his lawyer. He is constantly out of money so is keen to keep away from lawyers. I don't have much money either so I do what I can directly with him, ask my lawyer for advice when needed and I can pull her back in when I need. She knows every move H makes with me directly. Including his now admitting that he was not sane when he left the marriage.

I am currently looking for a flatmate as I may need this to take over the mortgage. And I am angry. Angry that I have to go back to living with a stranger in a flatting situation that I have not had to to since I was in my 20's before H and I were together. Angry that I need to share my private space with somebody else, when I just want to be left alone to heal. I will see, perhaps I will be ok financially without a flatmate, but I am putting feelers out just in case.

I am tired of the effort it takes to operate in a world that was thrown upside down, out of the blue, so suddenly.

Closure ... people talk of closure when a relationship ends. What does closure mean? Is that something one has if a relationship ends after conversations, working at it ... then the relationship still doesn't pull through. What is closure. My 20+ yr relationship ended with no conversation, no eye contact ... just a text message after loving text messages the night before he sent it. Closure?

A bit angry today. It is tiring. I am functioning but I am very tired.

Thank you for reading.

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« Last Edit: August 22, 2020, 08:33:49 PM by Wonder »
Together 22 years
Married 16 years
BD1 - BD3 May to September 2019
H runs away via text message September 2019
Moves in with his mother
His legal separation is underway since Jan 2020

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Hello - new to this board, seeking support
#49: August 22, 2020, 10:20:13 PM
I did many of the things you are doing. My 'delete' email folder was called 'The Folder of Doom' lol.
Although I was too mired in grief and PTSD to do much anger  ::)

I also found Hope was a rather two-edged sword and decided after about 18 months maybe that it hurt me more than helped me. Just my experience. My hope was vested in believing in the h I had known (could have written justvwhat you wrote about him and my experience of my m) and in believing that he would 'recover' from his diagnosed depression/MLC/whatever.....with time, I stopped wanting to believe in those things bc they were too far from the reality in front of my nose. So I replaced Hope with Faith.....the faith that I would somehow be ok, that life would be ok eventually, even if I had no idea when or how or what that would look like. I invested in that instead....

Closure? Hmmm. My h, like yours, after a few months of some contact, essentially went Poof and disappeared. Well, bar some MLC hand grenades and some nutso drama during the divorce process.  ::) There was no shared closure after a 20 year relationship; he said very little, never even said goodbye.  ::) But, with time and very slowly, I have found (mostly) my own kind of closure I think.....took quite a while to wrestle with it solo though lol...but I have. In my case, I think and behave as if my much loved h died. I want nothing to do with the guy who replaced him and see him as a threat to my sanity, safety and happiness. Not the man I married, not the kind of man I would want tbh. But that allows me to move forward without erasing my memories or all of the photos of my h/my past life and to mention his name in casual conversation about a bit of past experience just as I would have done if he had died.

Fwiw, Wonder, you are still on the battlefield while you are dealing with legal and financial stuff. It gets easier to make your own closure once you are past that. It isn't easy with a disappearing spouse/marriage....but it can be done and you will get there.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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