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Author Topic: My Story BRAND NEW MAN 7

W
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My Story BRAND NEW MAN 7
#10: July 07, 2020, 05:36:08 AM
My W once told me that I had to forgive and forget. I thought to myself, how nice of her. I've seen this forgiveness topic on a few threads now.

Well there is no law that says I have to forgive and most certainly never forget. I don't consider myself angry nor bitter. Instead of forgiveness, I opt to go with "Go Firetruck Yourself".

It delivers a clear and strong message and ,yet, can be delivered with a hint of subtleness and sophistication, leaving the recipient to question your true intentions. Now that's going to be my next thread title so no one steal it please.

I believe "Go Firetruck Yourself" will serve one much better during their crisis than forgiveness. "Go Firetruck Yourself" may even serve one better after their crisis.

"Firetruck This Sh!te" is another favorite of mine and possibly another potential future thread title so I am copyrighting that one also while I am at it.

The possibilities with "Go Firetruck Yourself" and "Firetruck This Sh!te" are endless.

Well I'm only at 5 years post BD and just entering the "Go Firetruck Yourself" phase. I think this one comes after Acceptance I believe. I used "Firetruck This Sh!te" to file for divorce. See how well they work in conjunction.

Really, she's calling me again. "Go Firetruck Yourself" and don't answer it. See how simple it works.  Hey can you do me a favor. "Firetruck This Sh!te". Works just as well.

Maybe forgiveness is better utilized in 10-15 years after their storm has passed. Meanwhile "Go Firetruck Yourself" and "Firetruck This Sh!te" will help one much better to get through it.

Be careful with forgiving them too early as it may come back to bite you. It opens up so many doormat possibilities. Meanwhile we are talking about at least 10 years here so why rush into forgiveness. There's a long crisis that has to play itself out and plenty of time to ponder it.

Forgive a woman who chased the attention of so many men. Hmm.... Nah, I will stick with "Go Firetruck Yourself". Definitely the type of woman that I would look to avoid in any potential future relationship. So if I ever see that type of behavior again I would utilize "Firetruck This Sh!te". Never Again.

Enjoy your day everyone  ;D
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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#11: July 07, 2020, 05:46:32 AM
I rather like  "Firetruck This Sh!te".
Less focus on the MLCer  :)
My mother....who was not given to cursing....developed a bit of midlife grrr in her late 50s. She would hold up the first segment of her middle right hand finger and mutter under her breath 'Bc you're not worth the whole finger'.....also a favourite  :)

I take it your comment about calling again was as an illustration, Watcher....that your stbxw is not calling you again?  :(
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

K
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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#12: July 07, 2020, 10:09:03 AM
I don't think forgiveness at the very early stages is authentic, even if we think it is with all of our hearts. I think it is more a fear and even a bit of negotiation--"See how forgiving I am? I deserve to be your spouse again." But, it is only a stage of the grief process. And truly, I thought I had forgiven my H early on. But I surely didn't.

Now I am at a point where I see the person he is now. It is not a person I know at all. Certainly not "my" person. And so do I even owe him forgiveness at all? Or better yet, is forgiveness required as he is an adult free to make his own choices. They are not choices a decent human would make, but they are his nonetheless. These days I am not so concerned with forgiving. I am more striving for giving Zero F's.

And giving zero F's is more in line with F#$% this Sh!te. ;)
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S13
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H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#13: July 07, 2020, 02:15:17 PM
Oh yes, the middle of the divorce process.  I remember it well.  The height of  "Go Firetruck Yourself" and "Firetruck this $h!tee".  That glorious anger that propels you forward toward freedom from the neverending limbo and the constant mind firetruckery of the MLCer. 

There will be loads of time for forgiveness.... although I have deemed forgiveness toxic - designed to give me one more reason to beat myself up over LB's ridiculous, awful, immoral behavior.  So, no I don't forgive him or my ex never friend for what they did to me and my children.  Their behavior was so wrong and twisted and cruel I am entitled to my disgust and anger.  I refuse to see my lack of forgiveness of these awful people as a character flaw of mine as compared to what they have done.  So, no guilt, no forgiveness. 

But I seek no revenge either.  Like Treasur's Mom they aren't worth the whole finger... probably not even the half if I am honest.  I am content with the thought that when they each get to the pearly gates there will be a notation on their file that they will need to explain to the Lord.  And if the Lord himself deems them worthy of forgiveness then I shall consider it, but not before.                         
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

e
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Re: BRAND NEW MAN 7
#14: July 07, 2020, 02:33:33 PM
Watcher,

I am also five years out. My divorce has been done for 2 years. I still go the "firetruck yourself". I have no interest in forgiving or forgetting. I need to remember what happened, so this never happens to me again. Once we divorced it was easier to let go of what we once had. Scary thing while I was working on myself as I realized we really didn't have what I thought we had. I really thought he was great person. Looking back, I was a bad judge of character.
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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#15: July 07, 2020, 07:52:24 PM
Following along!!!

5 years, wow.

-SS
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M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#16: July 08, 2020, 08:54:04 AM
Hello,

There is a great book called "Forgiveness is a choice" I highly recommend that if you have the opportunity, you read the book. This is for you, not her. However, with that said, I have not truly forgiven my ex to this day. I have moved closer and sometimes I feel as if I am on the edge, but my heart hardens and I pull back. And she has apologized to me, it's been almost seven years to the date of the divorce and I am happily remarried.

To boot, my ex hasn't pulled half the garbage your ex has. Even when I moved out, she let me see the kids. Our divorce, even though it was bitter, it was short, and over quickly and she left.

Use your running and the gym as your outlet for the moments of rage that well up in you. I use to sit and my car and scream at the unfairness of it all or hit the road for a few miles. Just get the emotions out and move on with what you need to do to get the job done. Just know she is going to be obstinate and unwilling every inch along the way.

And yes, firetruck her, firetruck the system, and firetruck everything that keeps you from being with your sons.

(((Hugs)))

Ready
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W
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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#17: July 08, 2020, 03:11:14 PM
Hi Treasur, KIT, Dumbfounded, em5731, Standing Strong, Readytoofixmyselffirst.

Well I'm nowhere near forgiveness because I'm still in the midst of it. I just thought it was an interesting topic. Yes the divorce, home sale, and future court appearances will be part of her games for years to come.

I joke about my situation and say 10 years. Not everyone here will be a 10 yr-er. I was just trying to scare the newbies. LOL....I always said 5 yrs when I started and now I say 10 yrs. So I must like counting by 5's.  ::)

I pushed it to 10 yrs because I have seen no improvement. She is still in Replay if that is what it can be called. Yes it will be interesting how long it will take to get myself out from this situation.

Granted I would have at least already been divorced if not for Covid19. The courts closed March 21st and my trial was March 25th. She will not sign the MSA and I knew she would drag this out. The home sale will be just as bad IMO.

This morning I did venture to Wharton State Forest and visited Batsto Village which was an iron works from the 1800's. I havent read much about it however I believe it was in existence in some form from the 1670's onward.

The buildings are in pristine condition. At least 40 or so historical buildings with the centerpiece being Batsto Mansion. Bog ore was the key component in iron production at this facility. It was crazy hot today and there were not many crazy LBS out there with me. Ok, I maybe have been the lone one.

This is in the Pinelands of NJ so everything is sand and pine trees. The second section I ventured to was the Atsion Mansion (1826). This was also a village at one time.

The mansion is all that has survived. I did not venture into the woods in this section. However, the ruins of all their buildings are located in the woods which would have made for some interesting photos.

These were known as work villages and the workers had housing on site. Today's animal find was a desert camouflage frog. LOL, it probably was poisonous.

Its white corn and blueberry season in NJ. My goodness I have never seen so many blueberry farms.

It just finished raining and now I'm off to the canal tow path for a 6 mile run. Oh I tell my attorney off on the drive home every night in my head. We get one chance at the divorce and he fumbled it bigtime. She should have been pressed from the get go.

I don't expect to hear from him until September. I will not concede on any issue. She signs the February MSA as written or we goto trial.

The biggest frustration is the lack of consequence. It appears that life continues to work in her favor for the moment.

Enjoy your day everyone

Thank you
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D
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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#18: July 08, 2020, 08:03:56 PM
You were hanging out in my neck of the woods today. I love walking Batsto, although my kids find it creepy, and I spent many a childhood day swimming at Atsion Lake.  My first job, when I was 12, was working on a blueberry farm. My cousins, on my Dad’s side, were cranberry boggers. Small world.
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Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

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BRAND NEW MAN 7
#19: July 08, 2020, 11:23:15 PM
Who are we to "bestow" our forgiveness on someone who does not ask for forgiveness and thinks they are doing just fine? Forgive yourself, of course, for anything you may or may not have done as well as you would like to have done.  But I still have no idea why I would want or need to forgive one who has dumped all over me and does not care. How does that serve me? I've already accepted that he is what he is, I just have no firetrucks I want to give, I live a great life and am mostly content.

Batsto, the next place for me to visit when I get that direction. Sounds good. I saw cranberry bogs and Ocean Spray the last time I was back East.

Keep visiting cool places, Watcher. 
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