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Author Topic: My Story New Plan A

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My Story New Plan A
#30: September 13, 2020, 11:44:34 PM
Thanks everyone! Hoosier - I'm currently in Boise, Idaho. It's about a 22 hour drive in a U-Haul for about 1500 miles. I'll have my dog riding shotgun. Fun times.

UM - you always have the perfect images. Horse hockey is an underappreciated term.

Update after xw visit today: I was feeling kind of sad during church this morning thinking that maybe today would be the last time I would see her for a long time. Possibly forever. Not that she brings any joy to my life at the moment, but she was my best friend for 25+ years. Also, her telling me she didn't want me to go and then wanting to see me right away kind of got me entertaining a small sliver of hope for reconciliation.

So.... she showed up with a new tattoo (I'm not hostile to tattoos, btw). She now has three tattoos - one from when she was 19, one around the time of BD and now this one. This one is snowflakes on her arm. To celebrate her new post-divorce life.

I'll be honest - it hurt to think that she was celebrating something that had caused me so much pain. And that she would tell me about it cheerfully. I realize that there may be a day she regrets it and I'm celebrating it. But today it hurt and made me angry. We had a pleasant conversation about some business relating to D, but there was nothing about not her wanting me to go. She didn't stay very long. It was like she poked her head out of the tunnel earlier in the week and then hurried back in.

So, it was not a fun visit. But it may have pushed me over an edge I needed to go over. I'm just so sick and tired of her juvenile behavior. I'm tired of grieving the marriage and all the losses that go along with it. I'm tired of living in the family home alone. I'm tired of this town. And I'm tired of looking back. I'm feeling more and more like this move is just what I need and that it can't come soon enough. Forward!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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New Plan A
#31: September 14, 2020, 12:37:17 AM
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I'm just so sick and tired of her juvenile behavior. I'm tired of grieving the marriage and all the losses that go along with it. I'm tired of living in the family home alone. I'm tired of this town. And I'm tired of looking back.

Many of us will be nodding along with this, PJ.
Can't say I am surprised that your xw turned up with her MLC hat on and missing her human empathy chip. Even when they are not being intentionally cruel, their self-absorption makes them bizarrely callous doesn't it? I'm sorry you had to add that experience to your box of memories of your xw, but I'm not sorry that you were able to see it as something that pushes you forward.

I have often struggled with the relevance of Standing once I accepted that my m was dead and my former h had become the kind of person he had become. My frustration with God at not 'saving' my marriage became a sneaking thought that perhaps he had saved me from continuing to be linked to someone who would treat me and everything I valued with such contempt. Imho, no LBS should want to live with that for too long or choose to do so to save something that is already sadly lost. And 'letting them go' tends to turn into 'walking away' from anyone who behaves that way with time and as we start to heal. The desire to move away from things that hurt us and towards things that might heal us is a healthy thing imo.

I used to read RCR voraciously but once I stopped 'Standing' as I understood it - with a goal or hope of reconciliation or even some kind of resolution with my h - I stopped bc it no longer seemed relevant to my circumstances. Understanding MLC was more about the process of finding a way to explain to myself what had happened to me, I suppose. Rightly or wrongly, bc of course a lot of it is a best guess based on ones own experience of previously unimaginable things that made no sense at all to me. Recognising too, as I believe RCR does, that her experience is not a universal one no matter how useful and considered her MLC reflections are in a world where RL does not seem to validate such a very strange experience after a long probably pretty happy marriage.

Recently I read this https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/2020/08/14/standing-for-you-is-about-acceptance-of-you/ and it struck a chord with me as another way to look at Standing when Standing for your m or your spouse seems to no longer fit your circumstances. That you can Stand for the right to be yourself and to protect your own healing and what you value in the story of you in which your wife, as she was, played a part. A kind of Acceptance with go-faster stripes  :) And that finding a way to embrace your unfolding story from here, regardless of the fact that you were forced onto this path by your xw' crisis, is part of your healing and part of moving towards a You Life that feels good and peaceful again.

If your xw ever evolves into once again becoming someone who cares deeply about feelings other than her own or values again things she used to value or doesn't much like who she is now or the life she has, she will have her own kind of Acceptance to go through won't she? With the added spike that it was largely of her own creation. Our spouses may never reach that point but from our own experience of Acceptance I think we all can imagine how painful that might be if they ever do.......those 'celebratory' tattoos will take on a whole new meaning probably  ::).....and by that time, usually, the LBS will no longer be available so they will have to battle through their pain on their own just as we LBS did. From a safe distance, one can probably feel compassion for that if our spouses ever heal at all from their self-inflicted and FOO wounds.

I think that is what you are doing, PJ.....heading off in your truck with your dog to find a new place to Stand and grow  :)....to find new soil to lay your roots down in. Standing for You......with the worst behind you....and we are all cheering you on  and looking forward to hearing about the Adventures of PJ :)



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« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 01:05:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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New Plan A
#32: September 14, 2020, 05:22:42 AM
PJ -
Well, nothing to say after Treasur's perfect post.
I am kind of glad that the encounter yesterday went as it did, because I think it pushed you off the proverbial fence.
You  have the motivation and the foresight, but that doesn't mean there won't be times when it will hurt.
You seem like an amazing man; just know that you deserve someone just as amazing.
Perhaps your w will come out of the fog at some point, but until then, I'm glad  you're excited about your adventure.

I can't wait to hear about your long, exciting drive.
The country will be beautiful, and the excitement of being with your mom and brother again... and building YOU'RE own new household.
Have fun and enjoy the ride!

Sea
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New Plan A
#33: September 14, 2020, 06:40:57 AM
PJ,

Once again it feels like we are in similar paths, we are both arriving two different ways.  I too feel the need to leave and save what is left of my self dignity and realize that my M is dead.  Treasur your words are very healing. 

I know how hard it is to be left in your family home (even though mine is still here). So many memories of a life that is gone.  I am cleaning up, cleaning out and getting ready to sell in the Spring.  Not sure where I go from there. 

You should be so proud of yourself for seeing the reality of the situation.  I know it’s taken both of us a while to get there. 

I will be watching your story and cheering you on.  In some ways I’m super jealous that you seem to have a clear path forward out of this pain.  None of this is easy.  Have a safe and healing drive across the country. 

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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New Plan A
#34: September 14, 2020, 06:25:02 PM
Hello,

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Yes, it is nice to have a normal life. I am at home and the game is on. Going to read a few threads and work on an assignment before I hit the sack. Comfortable and in a secure place of love. After all that I have been through, it only makes me appreciate it more.

Quote
So, it was not a fun visit. But it may have pushed me over an edge I needed to go over. I'm just so sick and tired of her juvenile behavior. I'm tired of grieving the marriage and all the losses that go along with it. I'm tired of living in the family home alone. I'm tired of this town. And I'm tired of looking back. I'm feeling more and more like this move is just what I need and that it can't come soon enough. Forward!

I get it. I remember when my wife came back for a short visit about six weeks after she left for Washington. She was so happy and excited. I never spoke to her. I heard her talking to my oldest daughter and her friends. I never said a word to her. Don't come back into my home and act like you own the place. That was seven years ago so a lot has happened since then.

This is your life and you get to do what you want. If you need a change, then change. I would have never thought seven years ago that I would be in a different city with a new wife and family. That we would travel to Maui and Italy and have a blast. That as a family we would go to San Diego, drive to the Grand Canyon and Durango, Colorado, and take a cruise to Mexico.  I remember my cruise to the Bahamas for my birthday and our planned but now postponed trip to Vietnam and Thailand.

So many things out of the ordinary that I never dreamed of doing and yet, a trip to Costco or a nice dinner together is just as exciting.

Live, and live some more. The journey has just begun.


(((((Ready)))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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New Plan A
#35: September 15, 2020, 11:05:09 AM

So.... she showed up with a new tattoo (I'm not hostile to tattoos, btw). She now has three tattoos - one from when she was 19, one around the time of BD and now this one. This one is snowflakes on her arm. To celebrate her new post-divorce life.

Add this to the ever-growing list of wtf moments we are so lucky to experience as LBS. And I'll bet she was showing you to get your approval too. Twisted and oh-so-self-centered. The epitome of MLC.

I love what Treasur wrote--as usual. That this is our time to figure out our own lives now that the early most painful days are behind us. And that we are able to see their crisis with a more level headed and detached lens.  Acceptance is often the most bitter pill to swallow, particularly when it is something over which we had no control, and that we tried so very hard to save. Such is life.

I love the visual of you and your dog in a U-Haul heading off to greener pastures. Oh how I wish I could do that. I know it is scary, as uncertainty usually is. But what a great adventure. And one where you will be near family. I have faith that you will find your life quite peaceful and satisfying in no time.

As Ready said, your journey has just begun.  ;D
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H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: New Plan A
#36: September 15, 2020, 12:57:29 PM
PJ
I agree that if your xw wants you?? Well she can come find you!! She made this choice , not you my friend.

On with living PJs life. Enjoy it up!!
Traveling that many miles will put you close to the wonderful State of Louisiana. Not atm Ha,  we are still cleaning up after the hurricane , but it will be wonderful again. You get close, look me up.

Have a good one PJ
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New Plan A
#37: September 16, 2020, 12:41:42 AM

So.... she showed up with a new tattoo (I'm not hostile to tattoos, btw). She now has three tattoos - one from when she was 19, one around the time of BD and now this one. This one is snowflakes on her arm. To celebrate her new post-divorce life.


No I have that blasted song from "Frozen" rattling around in my head... Let it gooooo let it gooooooo  la l alaaa laaa laaa.....

Thanks PJ.... NOT!
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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