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Author Topic: My Story New Plan A

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My Story New Plan A
#90: February 14, 2021, 07:03:54 AM
Hello,

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But opening the door to her means closing the door to xw. This shouldn't really be so hard. I mean, she divorced me a year and half ago, has shown no signs of wanting me back and I'm 5 years post-BD. But it does still feel sad and kind of weird to abandon the last thread of hope for reconciliation. Up until this Fall, I probably would have taken xw back if she would have had some road-to-Damascus moment. Even if I was dating someone, the door to my xw was open from my side. But I'm making my own choices and I've chosen to close the door on my side.

Did you ever hit the head of the nail with me on this one. Just like you, I realized that dating and falling for someone new created a lot of angst in me regarding my ex. Just like you, I felt if she changed her mind or made a significant move, I may have gone back. Once you go from detached  back to attached, you have to close doors. Now you are living with a new outcome and accept the consequences of your choice. In my choice to get engaged, I knew that I was closing that door forever. While I was happy for my new situation and my soon to be new wife, I still felt a sadness and once again grieved the loss of my first marriage. I think it iis part of the process and I've accepted that on many fronts from now on, I will have mixed emotions. I take my commitments seriously and once I committed to my new wife, she became my new focus.

On the positive side, I have recently begun to look back at my previous marriage and celebrate the special moments again. To remember the things we did as a family and the love we shared. I can speak to my wife's children and talk about my own kids when they were young and the things they did as children. Likewise, they can talk to me about their experiences and in the end, the sharing of our stories brings us closer.

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Miss K is wonderful, healthy and kind. I'm unbelievably lucky to have her. I'm happy to be with her.

Mrs. Ready is a gem as well. Have a wonderful Valentine's Day and forward!

(((((Ready)))))
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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New Plan A
#91: April 14, 2021, 03:48:46 PM
So I had this homework exercise from a counseling session that was really helpful. I've been trying to dwell less on what I've lost and think more about what I've gained from my experiences over the past 5(Yikes!!!) years. I came up with a list of what is better in my life because of xw's crisis, the divorce, and starting my life over in a new place. Not just things I'm thankful for in spite of it. I thought I would share my list in case it is helpful for anyone.

  • I'm less judgmental
  • I'm more compassionate and caring
  • I'm less dependent on others for my happiness
  • I'm less fearful of change. I don't fold under pressure.
  • I know more about death, having experienced it in a real way. This helps me appreciate life more
  • I never would have met lovely K if this hadn't happened ;D
  • I care a lot less about my reputation
  • I care a lot less about stupid $^!+
  • I have learned to laugh more
  • I'm better at asking for help
  • I have a better relationship with my parents and brother
  • I've made some great friends (ya'll) along the way
  • I now appreciate certain artists more than would have been possible before (Travis Meadows for example)
  • There is more depth in the stories and poems I'm writing now
  • The Psalms are much more real to me now
  • I'm more in touch with the person I was 10-20-30 years ago before I lost some of my identity in being a caretaker for xw
  • I'm modeled healthy trauma recovery for my kids

Anyway, that's my MLC gratitude journal entry. I hope it's useful for somebody. I'm curious what some of you would add to yours.

I've been doing some reading on Post-traumatic growth lately. I'm thinking about how to bounce forward rather than just bouncing back.Many of us who have been bomb-dropped have experienced something like PTSD. But many of us have also grown as a result of it. Not that we would do it over again or wish it on anyone!

In other news, I haven't heard from MLCer in months. This is fine. I need to connect with her soon about helping our D with some stuff, but I'm not stressed about it. I've been dating the lovely K for 6 almost months now. She's a keeper.

Forward!
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« Last Edit: April 14, 2021, 09:13:43 PM by PJ Ames »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA

W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

New Here? Read this! http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.0

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New Plan A
#92: April 14, 2021, 06:30:23 PM
Great list,, PJ!!  I have a few things I could add to your list,  but it's late and I have an early gym date 💪😜, so the main one I can add:

I've finally learned what true love looks and feels like.   And, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, it wasn't what I had with the runaway wasband.  I'll add a more definite list when I have more time, but for me finding love...not just romantically,  but genuine love in every relationship I cultivate has been the biggie.  I never would have if I'd stayed in that marriage.  And, I doubt I'd have ever left because those vows meant something to me, until they didn't.
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New Plan A
#93: April 15, 2021, 02:47:18 AM
Hi PJ,

Good to hear from you - and, as BB said, a good list!

I need to think about a list of my own....
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Me - 58, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 14, D - 10
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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New Plan A
#94: April 15, 2021, 05:18:58 AM
Good to hear from you PJ, you were so much support when I joined HS. 

I think we both have changed significantly since after all we have been through.  It’s nice to look back and see all of the positives that came from such a horrible situation.   

You sound good and happy.  Keep moving forward!

Roo
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Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

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New Plan A
#95: April 15, 2021, 07:23:36 AM
That is a great idea. I need to work on my list, at some point. Still a little early.
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Me - 51, xh - 52
Together 26 years - Married 24 at separation
D - 23, S - 20
No BD - gradually moved out into our vacation house starting 8.20

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New Plan A
#96: April 20, 2021, 05:26:47 PM
Glad to see you doing well PJ ! I am following in your footsteps
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Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

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New Plan A
#97: April 24, 2021, 04:55:07 PM
Great list PJ

I love the idea of bouncing forward and the post traumatic growth.

You sound good, I am glad.
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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