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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 9: You spin me round (like a record)

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It's time!!! Time for a new thread  8)

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11418.0

I had a talkative W today......  :D :P :-\

Very interesting.... thought I'd share as it means both something and nothing all at the same time...... but I like glances into the mind of the MLC'er, and to (maybe) help others see what (possibly) their MLC'er is going thru as well.
Good for figuring out my thoughts, feelings and growth too  8)

So, this morning I get a call from W, bright and early. She sounds really good. Happy, energetic, and she wants something (of course). Once she let me know what she needed, she was off (not a surprise). This time she realized that she ran off onto vacation without setting up her car payment (and it's due). LOL!!!
So I wished her a good day, and left it for what it was: Nice to hear her in a good mood. It is so rare that it was a treat to hear that in her voice.

It was a long but a very good day for me. Great day at work, and diet was pretty good (not perfect). All in all, a very good day, bottom to top.
Then I go for my walk, and W starts calling. Over and over..... I don't see it because I'm walking and talking to my mom (as I do every night).
I catch it, and call her back after a spell.

What follows is a pleasant conversation, and one of the longest calls we've had in a long time (just over 30min).
It is all over the place...... and just like all longer calls in the past, it runs the gamut of small talk to the deep stuff. It's like they dance around (like a boxer) just waiting for the moment to move in. I'm used to it, no surprises.
Normally when W wants to talk, and it's one of those longer talks...... the expression that normally comes out is one of wanting to work on things, or improve things..... and it was the same this time. I know not to get my hopes up. It is a reoccurring theme that normally has no follow-thru, but it does give me hope that the feelings for me are in there and the desire is in there..... buried, and only able to reemerge for a few brief moments.

This time (after small talk) she wanted to talk about "working on things and getting out of this limbo". Ahhhh-Ha!!! Meaningless.  :( I know she means it in one part of her mind (at that moment) but I also know that moment will pass. To be honest, the work she's talking about is going to be very difficult. I really want to do it, and I said as much. Actually I probably said too much tonight, but it had to be done with the intention of leaving a seed for her to find her way back. An olive branch if you will.
I agreed, and said I really wanted to work on it..... she asked "what do you want to do?". I replied that doing something together, regularly. Something fun. Something new. See something new. Do something new. Try something new. I know that new and exciting is something that really appeals to MLC'ers but I'm also ready as an H to really do new things together. This will be a new R if we make it, and new things is going to be required. Being able to bend and be flexible to make something new is necessary.
Well...... HAHAHAHAH...... she replies that we have to "fix the old stuff first". Ahhhhhhh, now there's the hard part. That will be very hard. I reply that I'm looking forward to doing that, and that I want to do that, am on-board to do that 100% (which I am, and I would LOVE to try fixing those things - but I also know now is not the time, she's DEEP into MLC). So I express my willingness, and ask if she feels the same way...... she says she does. Hurray!!!! (it really means nothing, just a passing thought of something buried deep in her heart)
She also wants me to engage her, and to bring up "the hard stuff" so she doesn't have to. I find that a little funny.... I had those "R" cards to picking someone's brain, and that was very difficult for her.... I can't imagine what going into the "hard stuff" would be like. She's in no condition for rationally doing that.
My take-away from the whole thing: It means nothing. The moment will pass, but hurray that a kernel of wanting is in there somewhere. Will it grow? Probably not for a long time, but I will keep hope alive.

This idea though of working on things, I sure want to...... but to be honest, it scares the hell out of me. I know it's not for today, or I'd really be scared. I've been thru a lot of damage over our M. I really love my W, more than she'll ever know or understand. To work on the neglect, hurt and resentment..... it will not be easy, especially after minimizing myself and making excuses for her (to myself) for soooooo long. It will be very difficult..... but that fight is for another day.
I know it can be overcome, I know I'm willing to do the work to overcome it. Will she? I can't say.
Another thing which troubles me is sooooo many of the problems she is referring to come from the very long 7-year "shadow period" where she shut down emotionally. I'm not saying I have no blame, I certainly do. So much I didn't understand back then, not that I could have prevented MLC either though.
What she wants (IMO) can only be overcome with the help of a good MC, but we're not at the point of being able to do that yet. She's not out of MLC yet. I know there's tons of pain from that time (on both sides), I think her desire to talk about this stems from the actual pain but also the desire to find fault and assign blame (and justification). So it's a dangerous desire at this point.
Both eyes open.

Then we talk about how it is over there, and if she likes the quiet. She does, but says being alone with her thoughts is very difficult. She begins to cry. She is "very frustrated with the stress and anxiety, and just wants to feel happy once again".
I let her know that I am here for her, that I'm always here for her. She becomes quiet. I ask if she knows that. She slowly and quietly says yes.
I offer that when she is bored or sad or lonely..... that I am here, and if she just needs to hear a voice...... call and say "talk", and I will talk.
So then I talk (a demonstration) and we go over the events of the day, family, just all over the place. It lands on COVID and brings out a pity party in her, and all the stress it gives her (more tears).  :-\
Shortly thereafter, she wants to go and I wish her a good night and good sleep. I tell her that she is missed: That the birds miss her, and that I miss her.
I can tell she likes that, and then she goes.

The long and short is: She continues to be so conflicted, and so confused. I believe she is trying and fighting, but it's very obvious that she's still looking to external solutions, and that's no surprise.

I try to show patience and love. It's really hard to not run back, scoop her up and "save the girl". That is my 1st inclination, but she's still in the fight of her life, and I'm still on the sidelines...... cheering and hoping.

Ok, my novel is done for the night.  ;)

One day at a time,

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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That was quite a good novel Standing, and welcome to your new thread.

All good, you did great, but never let yourself take too much serious.
Smart of you because as long as she is in MLC you know most was just a fleeting moment she will forget about by today.  LOL

Just keep doing what you're doing.  She baking nicely.   ;)
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Thank you T  :D

One of the things she said yesterday was "I'll call you tomorrow".

Great time for that "here one moment, gone the next", needless to say I'm not expecting a call.  ;)

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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Journaling:

Well, it happened again......

W hasn't called, and I'm leaving her alone.
Each day I check the tracker on my phone just to know she's ok, and to see if she's still quarantining. Each time I check, there she is: not having moved (well, her phone not having moved). Since I'm the only one who knows she's down there, well..... I feel like if something bad happened, that I am the only one who could help (which isn't true, but if it was you... how would you feel?).

Well...... today was the day..... I had hoped it wouldn't happen but it doesn't surprise me either........ I opened the app and it says "GPS turned off".
My heart sank a little. She has just shy of a week of quarantine left, is there any reason to turn off GPS? No.... there isn't. Unless you don't want someone seeing where you have gone. It is deliberate, it's not like the phone is turned off.

My mind floats to ideas about "well, you haven't called her.... this is partly your fault". This is a lie. It's the hardest thing ever to leave them alone, AND it'd just push them away if you did. Strength...... even when you don't want to be strong.
Well, I'm not calling while her GPS is turned off..... heck I'm not calling when it's turned on. I've not said a work to her family.... she didn't want them to know, they don't know. I'm not going to allow someone to say something that makes her think "oh look.... SS goes running to them to whine and complain". They have no control over her, just like me.

A tough night. It makes me remember shortly after BD when she disappeared and went on lots of business trips, and then she removed herself from the tracker app. I remember how much that hurt, and how scary it was for me (Note: App and GPS = different things). It was such a relief when she calmed down a couple months later and rejoined. HA!!! Just in case anyone is wondering..... she checks on me in the tracker too. I thought she didn't, but there was one time when she admitted it (a long time ago, but during the worst of monster), so I know so does it too. She wouldn't turn the GPS off unless she was aware and thinking about it. Really is that case of "it seems like they don't care, but they're always watching and listening.... even when you think they aren't".

Also had to go to Hallmark and look at ornaments (alone) today. The limited editions are out and the only way to get them is to show up. A little reminder of something special that we used to do together..... but I did score the limited edition bird ornament that we want each year more than any other one.

I wonder how long this will last.

One day at a time,

-SS   
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

m
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Hi SS:

I am sorry to hear, I can imagine it is both very hard and very disheartening. I know how hard this is but what would happen if you removed her from your tracker app? And disallowed her from tracking you? Not for any punitive reason mind you, but to remove the option to check. I know you are doing a lot and its a sign of strength to leave her alone, but even the option of tracking her will take up headspace and lead to a lot of emotional energy being used up.

Truth is she does what she does, and you said it yourself you can’t control her. You can only control your reaction to what she does and decide what YOU will do. Its funny in how many small ways we are still attached even when we “detach.” Part of turning it all off is to make sure you will have the energy and endurance to stay with this for as long as you want. Because it is “one day at a time” but energy must be preserve “one day at a time.”

Just a thought.
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W
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Hi Standing Strong.

This is a marathon that you did not choose to run nor were you prepared for it. You haven't even reached the 5K marker yet.

This is all about you surviving her crisis. It's not about her surviving her crisis. She will hit rock bottom one day and you will have to have prepared yourself for the moment.

The sad reality is you maybe picking out those ornaments by yourself for sometime to come.

Your heart betrays you. It is your enemy during her crisis. We continue to operate as husbands while they abandoned their role as wife.  My heart was in it for 3-4 years and now it's just dead. I believe it needs to be dead as this crisis is all about our survival.

Mine only ever calls me when she needs something otherwise she will have me blocked. I was still engulfed by monster at a little over a year in during the Summer of 2016.

There is nothing that you can do to influence the trajectory of her crisis. They are going to do whatever they want to do.

Remember this has nothing to do with love. Love her from afar. Find a way too bury it. This is about your survival. Anyway I've been silently reading along and you have handled yourself well. I didn't start walking 50,000 steps a day until the Summer of 2017. I was running by the Summer of 2018. 

Start running, kayaking, and find some mountains to climb.  Oh they will find us when they need us.  That's a given.  ;)

Pace yourself and take care
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F
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Standing, I agree with your other posters.  You are doing such a great job!  This is an endurance race, one that seems to never end...

I pray God gives you peace, strength and endurance to get through this with an intact marriage.  I know that is the goal for you at this point.  I agree with finding other hobbies!  I bought myself a paddle board some months back and we have several kayaks.  Anything that you enjoy will help get you through this.  Serving others would also be a great idea.  It helps us forget our own struggles.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 02:44:00 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-40
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.

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My xw had a two year period where she kept wanting to find her way out of limbo. Little did I know she was just waiting for om to finalize his divorce with his xw.

That's just a reality check.. make sure you're focusing on you and filling your life with great, awesome stuff and not just watching the phone.

One piece of advice I do have is if xw ever actually made good on her plans to "talk", the only way I'd do it now, is with a therapist.

It'd be too tempting and easy to want to go for walks and short trips to ease yourselves back into a sense of normality without really addressing the underlying problems.

A therapist will also help call out the BS to you a lot faster than you may want to admit it to yourself too.

Just some advice.. but hang in there man.. were all here for you.
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Hi Standing.

I'm sorry you are going through this right now.  Your W is spreading her wings and all you can do is let her go.

I've tried over the years to tell newbies, you have no control over them when they go through this crisis.  You have no influence over them until they figure this out for themselves.  You can not love them back, force them back, guilt them back or scare them back.

In my opinion,the worse thing you can do, which you are not doing, is have relationship talks with them.  It puts tremendous pressure on them.

Most of the time they are not even thinking about divorce so why plant that seed for them?  Don't even bring up divorce or separation.

When and if she calls just be light and friendly.

"Oh hi I was just thinking about you, how is everything going?  Have you had time to see your mom yet?  I bet she will be excited to see you."

No questioning her about anything else!!  You could maybe tell her a bit about what you have been doing...just to share.

Standing you are doing really good, considering the circumstances.
Just keep doing your thing and let her be for now.  No pressure is your best friend right now.
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« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 06:55:10 PM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Thank you G, T, W, FJ and M (I tried to spell something with all those letters, but couldn't think of anything clever  :) )

So last night her GPS turns on again. What time it was, I don't know. Late.

Then today, she calls. Not to make everything about her (it's not) but our MLC'ers are interesting aren't they? You can have a really good day (I did), but then you get a call and it kinda overshadows everything else. Shows I have a ways to go. I'm not sitting by the phone or anything like that...... it's just, funny.

Well..... W calls, and it's a video call. Woo-Woo, hubba-hubba (LOL), I actually get to see her instead of just talking. I do like that.
She's in a good mood, and acting quite normal. It always amazes me how this changes so frequently.
It was pleasant, she gave me a video tour of her rented apartment, we chatted.... and she tried to get off the call a couple times...... here's where my LBS training has come in (LOL): I keep talking. Spin up whatever I can think of, just to keep it rolling...... and it works!! W can't stop talking as long as I bring something up and she can lend her voice/opinion too. There's no way she will let something be said without HER having a say-so. LOL!!
That seems to please her to no end, and it was nice to just have a light, airy conversation. Very pleasant. Every time she stalled out or had nothing else to say: *BAM* change the subject. I'm going to have to get more creative in the future, she LOVES hearing stories about life.
I took her on a home tour and showed her that life continues over here........ she got to see the birds, her plant that I'm watering, and all the newly assembled weightlifting equipment (she even rode around on one as I demonstrated it). 

Communication was something that suffered during the years of shadow, and it's something that I want to work on. Funny how it becomes difficult, and even though we're not reconnecting now, and she not out now...... I do want to be a better communicator with her long before we get there.

So talk, talk, talk....... and I know the longer she talks, the more that will come out. I'm not disappointed: She tells me that she left the apartment and maybe she's not suppose to do that.... that she went to the park and ran three miles and exercised (she doesn't say when, so I'll assume while she had her GPS off). She also mentions that she goes to a cafe down the street for all her food every day (which has not shown up on her tracker at all during her trip). 
Do I believe all this? No, but I don't have to either and I don't have to stress about it either. That she said anything, is something... and that is enough. I asked no questions about it. Knowing that she is safe is all that I really wanted/needed.

She's ran into a potential issue relating to COVID: they're clamping down, and now there is a concern that her mom may have been exposed (unlikely but remotely possible). If she has, then she will not get to see her mom at all on her trip (which was the whole point). Until she's tested and the all clear is given, W will continue to hide out at her secret apartment.  :-X  She still has told no one that she's there.  ::)

Speaking of COVID: I'm getting a little concerned that my trip at the end of AUG is going to be canceled. It hasn't been yet but the way the lock-downs are going back into effect I wouldn't be surprised. That would really stink, but...... it's ok. Not the end of the world, other conferences will be available later.

One day at a time,

-SS



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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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