Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 9: You spin me round (like a record)

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
Big update tonight....

Good day, got a lot done, not expecting a call from W. Leave for my walk and ring-ring.... it's W.
Wow!! Two days in a row.  :D

She sounds normal, which is good considering she was doing really good last night (bad normally follows good).
Well, bad did follow good.  :(

We start talking, and I'm parked at my walking place..... needless to say I did not walk tonight.
She lets me know she's reading a Christian book about making good decisions and about being happy. Well that sounds good!! Then she says she doesn't like the book because it's too simplistic. She wants all the answers to being happy.   :o

She says her mind is like sludge, that it is all over the place and none of it moves. Nothing is happening but it is overwhelming. She doesn't know what she wants and can't seem to figure out anything: Sludge.

Then then she asks if I want children.  ???
Well..... I'd be fine with children, but I'd be fine without children too. I explain this and also offer that adopted children come with problems and it would take a lot of love and time to help them. (Note: She had brought up adopting a couple times while in the shadow phase. I thought at the time it was the bio-clock or some sort of covering up wants or something. It didn't go anywhere, but I was open to it rationally. Good thing too, it was the shadow period of looking for external solution to her emotionally shutting down).
Then I ask her if she wants kids...... the answer is "no". (Then why ask?).  ???

Then she asks what I want. I ask in life? Right now? She says overall.
I tell her my wants: To serve God, to have a great M, do things of consequence, to be madly in love, to still have peace but do new things. You know, big stuff.
I ask her what she wants..... oh what a list I get:
-She wants everyone to stop judging her. Everyone judges her and she hates it.
-She wants everyone to stop expecting her to be perfect. Family, friends, co-workers, me.... everyone expects her to be perfect.
-She want to not be tired anymore.
-She wants better communication between us
-She wants to not be on the sidelines of her life: It's her life and she wants to be in control
-She wants to figure out what she wants.
-She wants to not be treated like a China Doll by everyone.
-She wants to not be treated like she's broken.
-She want stop being treated like she's lost her mind.
-She wants her family to stop thinking she's lost her mind (this was news to me. I didn't know they had talked to her about it)
-She wants to be human and not perfect.

Then she does further to explain what she wants:
-"One meltdown and you think I'm in some kind of crisis"
-"I've only shown my logical side, people are freaking out that there's more to me"
-"I have a Fun, Free-spirited, hidden side of me and I'm sick of hiding it"
-"People need to accept ALL of me, or they don't need to be in my life".  :o (She talking about family here, cut them off? OMG. This is MIL 2.0)
-"People freaking out that I got tattoos.... I'm an artist, of course I have Tattoos"
-"I show a little emotion for the 1st time and everyone wants me to go back to being the same as before. I'm not doing it".
-"I don't know what I want to do. I have a good job, is that all there is? What importance does that have? I like to paint but I can't motivate myself to do it". 

Well, that was quite a list..... and all of it was about her (not a surprise). But it was totally devoid of anything big..... nothing about God, job, dreams, family, etc.
Not a surprise.

[Sigh] You know where this is going right?
It's been many months since I've been drawn into an R talk, and I knew I had to stand my ground. These only come at key moments.
She goes off on communication. She goes off that I don't tell her when I don't like something (this is 100% true, I've always been a win-win kinda guy) I reply that I'm working on it. She asks me when the last time I told her I don't like something, and she's right. She goes off on not having say-so in things, and brings up IC. She didn't sign up for IC, she wanted MC...... uh oh..... That I made the choice for both of us and it's not what she agreed to. She says IC has been good and useful, but it's not MC.
I explain that the experts say that IC is the right move and MC happens when THEY determine it's time. I say I'm all for MC and look forward to it WHEN THE IC SAYS SO. She explains "see? you've consulted experts and books but didn't talk to me". Good point (except she's not in a state of mind for talking about these things). I explain that the importance of doing this right requires experts, that I don't know what is best and thus I LEFT IT TO EXPERTS. She didn't have a good argument about that, and this begins the "record skipping" of previous R talks.

She jumps to a new topic: Communication, me making decisions and her dreams. She puts on me that it's my fault that her art printer isn't working, that I said I'd fix it, then changed it to us fixing it, that she can't do it, and everything is on hold because of it. I stop her and say "I don't like it when you put all this on me. I have acted in the best interest and intentions for your dreams". She agrees. I list all her projects from the last four years and how I've had her back each time (giving examples).... "no matter what you've wanted to do, I've been there supporting you, every time. Every time I've had your back". She agrees.
I go into a long explanation about her printer and how from the start I wanted it to be a project we work on together. Then I explain the happiest time in my life when we worked on a business project together..... going into great detail. and how this is the same thing to me. "What good is it if I just fixed it and you said thanks? I want us to toil on it together. Your victory is my victory. My victory is your victory. Share in the triumph together, struggle to fix a problem together. The experience shared, together". She says "Why didn't you tell me this 6 months ago?". Me: "I did, just not to the same degree. This is me working on communication". She gets very quiet, I think she's startled to know how I feel (which is very deep and genuine).

She says she need to go, and I tell her good night.

My take-aways:
One thing that stood out was I asked about which day she'd show up at her mom's. She wasn't sure. She said her mom was busy, and it could be over the weekend or sometime early next week. Big Red Flag. I'll be looking to see if this slips further and further. I already know she is masking where she is. It is possible that she comes up with something to not see her mom at all, or just a very brief visit.
The "free-spirit" comment was a very big red flag to me, as was the repeated desire to not be judged and not being perfect. Big, huge red flags.
The desire to do MC is an enormous red flag. It tells me the desire to find something to justify...... caused by guilt.
IMO she was fishing.... looking for a fight, looking for justification. I didn't give her either (but MLC'er perception has a strange way of twisting things). I feel good that I really did the very best I could.

There is absolutely a struggle going on within her, and she still has no direction and is looking for external solutions. It is heart-breaking but there is nothing I can do. She will figure it out or she won't. I hope she makes good decisions but whatever she chooses she is responsible for herself.
I will continue to give time, space, understanding and love.

I think I've grown quite a bit, but like other R talks..... my hands were shaking when it was over. Not because I was mad (I never get mad, and that will have to change as I grow) but because it's so hard to see someone you love so much be in so much pain and confusion. Knowing that they can easily destroy themselves completely. I had hoped (and still hope) that this will not happen, that some shred of her will endure thru the process but I realize more and more that the road is walked alone and my cheering from the sidelines (in the end) may still be too close for her. I really hope not, but both eyes open.
With the comments today about cutting off family, now I understand the teaching about the MLC'er having to repair ties with family on their road to repairing everything. I really didn't understand the possibility of this until tonight. She has a small family, it only leaves SIL, FIL and MIL. To cut any of them off is to cut off a HUGE part of her support network. I hope it doesn't happen, but it's obvious she's thinking about it. Unimaginable until tonight.

As for me: I will endure, grow, improve and KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Always forward.

One day at a time,

-SS
 

  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

m
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 517
  • Gender: Male
First I want to say you should be very proud of how you handled all of that. I remember those long drawn out talks. Funny one of mine was parked in the parking lot of the tennis courts, listening for over an hour while a family of deer were grazing and looking at me in the car. That was a bit surreal. I had many of these talks over the first 1.5 years, some for 3-4 hours.

These talks are hard, complex, draining like you say. And in my opinion you handled it like a champ. You stood your ground, didn’t accuse, didn’t get drawn in. And I can imagine it was draining and your hands were shaking. Its interesting they can sometimes perfectly describe what is going on inside, but it doesn’t connect at all to why, how they can change it. Its a very strange disconnect of action/consequence. This is both from seeing that their lives are where they are because of THEIR decisions (the entire blaming you for the printer not working is the silly example) and in the sense of they are in control of WHERE it goes (get help, both from people in your life and professionals). Instead they dump all responsibility and executes on the person that is the closest to them.

Stay your course, stay detached. She will swing on the pendulum, she may get better, she may get worse. And in a strange way none of it matters right now. What matters most is you holding yourself, and as a stander, for you to not take damage. Both to yourself and to the love you have for her. Because she may do or say a lot of things that if you are not guarded will ding or damage both.

Stay strong my friend.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 898
  • Gender: Male
So sorry for you Standing.

She's really given you a lot of 'something' from this trip... I guess this is her way of looking into herself, finding her way to next stop.... she either comes back or she doesn't.  Not much you can do.   

But like you wrote, there are many potential red flags....   Hang in there.

She goes off on communication. She goes off that I don't tell her when I don't like something (this is 100% true, I've always been a win-win kinda guy) I reply that I'm working on it.

So you're more of a 'good guy / kind guy'? I really cannot fathom you being a spineless 'nice guy'....

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
So you're more of a 'good guy / kind guy'? I really cannot fathom you being a spineless 'nice guy'....

Alvin.

That is a bit of a struggle..... I'm not sure. Am I a "nice guy"?.... boy I sure don't want to be but I think there are some elements (not all). This has been a big part of my growth: being ok with rocking the boat (at home). The shadow period had been sooooo long...... I had gotten to a point of just trying to keep the peace (and I am very much a peacemaker). I know that before shadow it was not this way (at home), but year after year of her slide just wore me down, wore me down.... until at the end of those 7 years it was like "what do you want to do? I'm good with anything". It pains me to say that, and to look back at it and see myself..... it was a devastatingly long shadow period. Really took a toll on me, but now I'm back to where I was before, even better actually. So that has been such a blessing (and also knowing now what the heck all those years were).

Good guy = yup
Kind/Emphatic guy = yup
Strong/Durable guy = yup
Beyond ultra calm guy = yup
"Nice guy" = not sure. Hope not, and if I was.... no longer.  :D

What I want to be: Assertive Superhero Guy...... with huge muscles.  ;)

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

m
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 517
  • Gender: Male
So you're more of a 'good guy / kind guy'? I really cannot fathom you being a spineless 'nice guy'....

Alvin.

I am not sure how one leads to the other. Good is different than kind is different than spineless.

Is there a thought here missing?
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male

Stay strong my friend.

Thank you Marvin for the kinds words, really appreciate it.  :D

Minor journaling:

I like to document my drama, just so I can go back to it later.....  ;D

SIL texts me and tells me that W told her H that she's in the other country.
Why she'd tell him and not anyone else: weird if you ask me..... but they have some kind of kinship (he's an ex-MLC'er). Maybe she feels he understands..... well, whatever.
SIL was not pleased and so I called her to touch base. Since the cat was out of the bag I didn't have a secret to keep anymore. I have to admit it felt good to not be the only one to know anymore...... but I did good and didn't spill any beans that weren't mine to spill.
Something that DID come up while talking to SIL was the context of W telling her H that she was down there...... She said (without saying) that she had just arrived in this other country, not that she had been there 2 weeks already.  :o
This made SIL's eyes pop-out and she couldn't believe (but did believe) that she would lie (without lying). Why lie?
Par for the course, it makes no sense but nothing does  :P

Anyway, just jotting it down. It's really nice having such a wonderful SIL...... although she's terrified that she will enter MLC in a couple years. I think that's unlikely.  :)

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
Another week has gone by....... Journaling

My birthday has come and gone (not overly happy about that, I'm not getting any younger but I am getting BETTER!!).

I weighed myself a couple days ago, have lost anther 3 pounds in the last two weeks  ;D and my body fat is right at the edge about about cross into the teens  ;D ;D ;D
This makes me sooooo happy. Finally figured out the formula to get my body to react and adjust the way I want it. It's a lot of work, a lot of strict diet, and a lot of TIME to get the body to eat itself...... but it's happening, and at a steady predictable pace. I don't know how many months it'll take to get to my target of 10% body fat, but I will be SUPER shredded and looking incredible once I get there. Really look forward to that day.

Went to my aunt's for dinner on my birthday.... it was so good to finally see family. They are concerned about COVID but their concern for me outweighed it. How nice. My cousin's daughter was there (19) and asked how old I was. I told her and she couldn't believe it. "I thought you were 35, that's what you look like".  8) :P :D Well, lets see if I can take a couple more years off.  :P I have always looked younger than I am, curious how old I look once I'm the terminator. LOL!!!

As for W....... I was curious if she'd contact me on my B-day.... she did. Four texts in a row "Happy Birthday", "Happy Birthday", "Happy Birthday", "How are you"..... and three phones calls in a row (until I finally picked up). Mild panic? We talked, she was "normal". Last night we were texting (also nice) and she asked to go hiking together when she returns. That's nice, it's also just talk. No expectations. I said "I want to go camping" (which is something I've never had as interest in). She agreed..... also just talk. No expectations, she'll probably forget all of it anyway. Just be nice and maybe something will stick at some point, but I'm not hanging around waiting for it to happen..... I've got things to do and muscles to build.  :) :) :)

This makes me wonder..... the MLC'er often will do things especially at BD to make themselves more attractive to the opposite sex in their attempt to pull away. Plastic surgery, working out, skin potions, etc. Mine did this, and is still doing some of it, although most has fallen to the wayside. Me on the other hand have been very consistent and I'm well on the way to being in the best shape (and most attractive) since I was 20. I wonder if that makes the MLC'er worry, or if  they just continue to not care as they progress, OR if it also is a factor in making them move toward you as time moves on? Not that it matters, I'm doing this for me, and I like what I see.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10723
  • Gender: Female
Happy Birthday, Standing  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

m
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 517
  • Gender: Male
Me on the other hand have been very consistent and I'm well on the way to being in the best shape (and most attractive) since I was 20. I wonder if that makes the MLC'er worry, or if  they just continue to not care as they progress, OR if it also is a factor in making them move toward you as time moves on?

First happy birthday, remember you are not getting older, your are getting less young! But seriously it is amazing the difference in direction between an MLCer who is in crises and an LBS who is in recovery. So mark and celebrate the "better" you in all aspects. Age is just a number, we can only be the age we are right now. Obviously this is a horrific idea to someone in MLC.

As for your question here is my answer: conceptually it doesn't matter and you should obviously not even worry about it. Do what you are doing, as you say, for yourself. That should always be the case for ALL of us. We can't control others and we certainly should not act or exist in reaction to what others may think of us. A million times more in case of MLC.

Experientially I know for a fact my wife has noticed all the positive changes in me and she absolutely DOES NOT CARE. So don't fall into the trap. In fact she always would turn it into how it will be easier for me to find someone else. We do not exist, we must be negated and erased. Only things that seem to resonate are the negatives, anything positive just hits the wall of filters they put up to be able to walk away and tolerate what they are doing. I know so many cases where spouses have showed off how great they look, or send pictures or mementos, or try to "break through" only to be met with silence and resultant pain.

Hang in there.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
It's interesting isn't it Marvin?
W just called and we talked for an hour....... strangely enough, she brought up this topic. She wanted to know all about my exercise, diet and how my body is getting better. She wanted to know my progress.  :o
Why? I have no idea. She had never asked as much as she just did. Odd.

They do go thru moments of missing us. Maybe it was one of those.

For me, I'm becoming dangerous, and I know it. Dangerous meaning, I'm a catch (not trying to be boastful or proud). The more attractive, the more the danger is of losing me. The more attractive, the less attractive an AP is. Sure perspective is all jacked up for them, but they take glimpses outside every so often, and what they observe goes back with them.
I don't think it's any accident she'd had the thought to want to go hiking or camping..... she has to on some level realize that I've been buttoning up our finances this last year. The warning bells (on some level) should be going off in her head..... and I'm about to launch a new business and could leave her behind. All done because it has to be done, but on a lessor note all done in part to help put a fire under her. She has much to lose, and I hope she knows it.

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.