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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 9: You spin me round (like a record)

m
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Hi SS:

So I am going to sound like I am being negative, but I am really not. And I will start by saying I hope I am very very wrong in what I am about to say.

Usually the cycling faster is an indication of change. People like to call it “going in or out of the tunnel.” The more clinical version is a high state of inner conflict and/or lack of emotional stability. When this increases it usually means there is change. Given the timeline it is very unlikely she is “coming out of” replay. It is more likely that she is trying harder and harder to cope, parts of her are in conflict and different facets of her psyche are appearing and receding faster.

Only reason I say this is NOT to in any get you down. Its more so you keep your guard UP. Sometimes they look like they are “connecting” or becoming more like their old selves, but its really random glimmer of a kaleidoscope that is not holding together anymore. FWIW my wife did something very similar around 1 year after first BD for 2 to 3 months. Then she fell apart even worse than the initial time.

And if this is not the case, then its great that she is seeing her IC. She may find a solid footing from which she can start addressing her inner issues.

By staying carefully detached and not trying to read tea leaves you are in best shape no matter what is going on.
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C
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Marvin, thanks for pointing this out. I think that for many of us, even after we are largely detached from the emotional roller coaster, there is a tendency to stage-watch a little bit. Maybe this is mostly just true for the live-ins and the clingers, but I feel like even if we are less emotionally affected by their cycling, we are aware of it. I think the reminder that more rapid cycling is perhaps even more of an indication that the LBS needs to protect himself or herself against expectations even more than they do during quieter periods.

For me, the concept of “no expectations” feels a little bit vulnerable in the sense that my instinct is to put up a little bit of a wall and try to protect myself against the worst possible outcome. But it seems to me like “no expectations” is the key to being the lighthouse...the more rapidly MLCer is cycling, the more important it is for LBS to be steady, solid, safe...but also doing their own mirror work. MLCer may not immediately move toward the lighthouse, especially if they are in the depth of the tunnel. But if you’re steady, you improve the chance that they will see your steadiness and safety, and they will remember it when they are ready to leave the tunnel. And more importantly, “no expectations” is good for your peace of mind. I can’t say I always succeed, but I sure do try to remain neutral and friendly/pleasant as much as I can.
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Not negative at all Marvin  :D Thank you for the insight.
That actually lines up perfectly with what I'm thinking on the inside. Something tells me a choice is coming near the end of the year. What that means I have no idea, but I can guess that she will choose to blow up, or make it thru. Just intuition. HA!!! Even a choice to make it thru would probably be preceded with a blowup of some duration and intensity.

Not all roses either... while her sis and the kids were here, she was demonstrating workout moves to the kids.... at one point (trying to impress them) she talked about using a punching bag. We don't have one, nor does her gym (as far as I know) but she mentioned working out with a punching bag while on her trip.  ::)
Well, that will be dealt with some day.

-SS
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W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Standing I can't tell you how much I really SO admire you for listening to advise and not being defensive.
People here only want to share their similar experiences, in the hopes that in some way may help others avoid the pitfalls they encountered.
But every situation is different and I don't see you having any illusions, or rose colored glasses.

I am not sure what is happening to your wife, for all any of us knows she may just be in a midlife "transition" and not a full blown crisis.  It happens more with live in MLCers.

I think you are dealing with this the best you can, being kind, but still living your own life and doing things for yourself.  That is exactly what she needs!  Space and time.
I wish more people would realize the importance of this. 

Yay for you.  No pressure I truly think is the key.
 
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Sheesh, another week has gone by? Really?

Journaling:

Finally got thru some big projects at work (excellent, I hope it slows down now), W continues to make small improvements (not perfect), and an earthshaker.

I lost my grandmother on Monday...... which is sad, bit also a relief. She had not been well for the last few years and needed a lot of care. It will be a lot of stress off for her children. Still...... she had always been there, and now for the 1st time, she won't. Sad, but relief. I think it's selfish just to want someone around when their quality of life isn't that good.
It was an interesting thing when I got the call. Numbing but not unexpected. You know it's coming someday and then that day arrives unannounced.
I told W....... we know they don't process death well...... well, she tried to console..... a little....... then disappeared into the bathroom to shower (leaving the house soon after, I think to escape thinking about it). Later that night she actually cooked...... once again her attempt to help or show some type of empathy. I could see it, and I appreciated it.

I had been wondering for a month or so if she would run off for Christmas again this year...... and while I still don't know, for the 1st time since her last trip, she was furiously studying her Spanish book all day Saturday. That's normally a sign she's gearing up to run away again. Not complaining. If she wants/needs to go escape..... then by all means. I get along fine by myself.

Talking continues to increase (some days) and laughing continues to increase (fewer days). A few days ago I made fun of her (a little, just a small rib) and she smiled and laughed..... that was significant. No way she'd have even gotten it before much less found any humor in it. Getting thru that it's ok to play has been something I haven't seen in years....... well, he's hoping that continues and is strengthened.
Same thing with communication, learning how to do it again...... the exchange of ideas. We're using TV shows we've been watching (how to get away with Murder) to try and figure out mysteries..... we take guesses and have fun seeing who's right. That's progress.

What I'm learning is to not be caught up in what was or what's happened, or any of that stuff. For now, there is only now. I've known the theory of that, but getting thru and applying it (getting over myself) now that takes time and effort. Absolutely not something that is instant, or a matter of willpower. A process. Right when you think it's being applied and you've got it...... there's more. Always more.

I find that giving time, not smothering, doing my own thing has been very positive....... but I really believe that reaching out (patiently) has also been the key to what positive steps are happening. She is starting to accept (slowly, oh so slowly) my attempts to reach out (as I have been since the start). I get the impression (maybe it's just me) that she expects me to clobber her with something if she opens up...... learning I'm safe not just to be around (that was accomplished a while back) but to be open with...... that is good, but what is she going thru.... who knows. She's not saying..... but teamwork on the most basic level is starting to reappear. Is it genuine? I think so. I don't get a feeling otherwise....... but there is frustration, disappointment, disillusion and the need to stay busy on her part..... still no real peace. Restlessness.
What a terrible place to be. An improvement on the hell I could see in her eyes from before, but the fires are burning so much lower now (but they are far from out).

Just observations.

Tonight we worked out together, and for the 1st time she stood next to me. Before it would be doing it together, but don't get too close or she'd be critical about if something was being done correctly. A little more ease, with me and maybe herself. Still a long way to go.
But there's positive, and to me that's all that matters. Sure so much that is wrong could be focused on, but what good does that do? Focus on what is bad or what is lacking....... it shows up in demeanor. Focus on parts that are good and that shows up in outlook, personality, and energy. Can't be faked. I think THAT is what helps, that is what's attractive, and that is what they want for themselves. Mine sure doesn't know how to get there, but if I had to guess..... she's looking. Trying to figure it out, held back by herself, but attempting to learn, slowly learning (thru much pain and unease).
Her laugh when I ribbed her reminded me why I'm standing....... I could (for a moment) really remember the woman I loved, the joy we had shared and the hope of what could be once again (and hopefully much better, deeper, and completely authentic).

Hope to get in 16 miles walking today. New lows on weight and body fat....... and STILL no six-pack!!!! ARRRRAAAGGGHHHH!!!! When will these blasted abs show up!!

One day at a time,

-SS

 
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BD - 27th April 2019

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And almost another week rolls by.....

Journaling.

Very interesting week. Some good, some not so good.

On the good...... earlier in the week she was being more open..... to the point that we had a few laughs. She was so focused on me one morning that she walked into a wall  ;D
That felt good. You should be able to attract or distract your spouse. Well, I haven't felt like I've been able to do that in a very long time. Gotta be pretty distracted to walk into a wall while staring at someone and smiling.

As with all things, these too come to an end.
Last night I came to bed and found W crying. She tried to hide it, but I asked her and she said "yes".
After asking what was wrong she asked "You don't know?"....... Um no. I don't.... tell me. This produced a long semi argument about why I don't know what is wrong and that I should just know (mind reading). I told her I'm not a mind reader, I don't want to be a mind reader, and that I want her to be up-front with me. She didn't like that at all. In time she finally opened up and it was a venting session (the 1st since she returned from her trip two months ago).
She let me know that she's in a bad place, and everything in her life is a mess. Everything.
Ahhhhhh, the need to blow off pressure. Tons of contradiction, and there's no fixing it.... so I listened...... pushed back in areas.... but mostly listened. Pointed out good things, which she couldn't "feel" and to her (in that moment) seemed like nothing good is happening. Her frustration is off the charts, but I could see her job stress is boiling over and consuming all parts of her perspective (at this moment). Job is everything for her, so as that falls apart yeah it will seem like everything is falling apart (to her).
In the end, she became frustrated and wanted to sleep...... crying some more as she dozed off.
Poor thing. Absolutely blind to all the good around her, unable to perceive. Yeah this moment will pass, but she's still locked in hopelessness. So tired of being broken, but still being broken...... wanting to deny it, actively denying it, and wanting to be treated like nothing is wrong with her while at the same time
complaining that everything IS wrong.  :o

Well, that's the LBS and MLC'er life.
Now that the pressure has been let out, I hope she has a good day today.

She may opt out of my grandmothers funeral tomorrow. She became angry that I would (kindly IMO) release her from needing to be there..... that I would "give her permission" to do so. Hmmmmmm...... turning it into a "man thing, and she hates that". Well...... someone important dies in the family..... wouldn't you think there is an obligation to attend? Well. I was kind, and when I could see her struggling I gave her a way out. I wonder if she'll take it. I would say yes, but she has been surprising more lately.

Such a tormented soul.

One day at a time,

-SS
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Progress? Maybe. It is what it is.

Journaling:

Today was my Grandma's burial. Monday was the funeral...... W attended both!!

Monday:
The funeral was a mess (thank you Covid), but it didn't really bother me. Funerals have never bothered me.... the person is gone, not dead..... so unless you're worried about them, what's there to be sad about? Well, that's how I've always looked at it.
W took the day off (even after I gave her a way out.... and she really thought about taking it). Well, we took different cars so she could get back to work, but she went. I had to sit at the front with the other pallbearers and W was sitting all alone. I tried to get her to sit with my mom, and she was grumpy and in the "ho-hum" (sorry for myself) mood.... after a bit, my mom flagged her over and she joined the family (GOOD).
MLC'er don't do well with death, but she did her best.... I was very proud of her.

Today:
Burial day. W said she wasn't going (not a surprise) and then this morning.... she decided to go.  :D We ended up spending the day together and we got the the city an hour early...... I paid her back by suggesting we go shopping (which she leapt at). She bough more clothes (always wants new clothes) and I don't think she's really shopped since Covid started.... so that was very nice (an outdoor outlet mall). I think she really enjoyed it, I know I did.
The burial was a total wreck, just like the funeral (thanks again Covid)..... and then we ate together.
On the drive back to our home city, we talked.... it was fun..... and low and behold, she starts talking about stories of us dating. She remembered things I had forgot... and it made me laugh so hard. The MLC'er now able to remember things that I could not!! I huge shift from after BD when she couldn't remember anything.... ANYTHING!!
A few smiles, a few jokes from her. Little bits shining thru..... and now it's time to give her time, rest and space.

Always nice to get a really good day...... helps forget all the lackluster, neutral, or even bad days. I don't recall when the last really good day was, but it's been a while. Now I have a new good day to hold onto until the next one (whenever that is).

One day at a time,

-SS
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BD - 27th April 2019

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More movement..... lots more.

Journaling:

Another week passes, and so much (little things) have changed.
We continue to work out together, almost every night. W has become obsessed with improving her body, and wants observation and approval of her changes (well I don't mind.... lemme take a close look.... LOL). It has been a bonding of sorts, using heavier weights, doing longer exercise sessions. All positive.
It has helped her mood and stress to some extent at well, and provided something positive almost every day. That's good.
I make sure that after each time we do a double high-five (ten) to finish our accomplishment (OUR being the key word). Teamwork, to disprove the notion that we are not a team or can't be a team (I know some would disagree with this, but it's working).

There has been a very noticable change in her actions with our birds. Much more like she was before shadow period. That is encouraging. She's spending time with them, playing with them, talking with them...... and most of all, noticing them without having to have her attention drawn to them (now THAT is different). I still take care of them for the most part, but she's starting to get more active.

She's become very open about what she's doing, and even though she still hides out to work on her Spanish or building bracelets..... she comes afterward and checks in or lets me know what she's doing, or shows me what she's made. Lots and lots of alone time still needed, and that's ok. Doesn't hurt me one bit.

Appreciation: She is noticing some of the things I do around the house now..... and (sometimes) says "thank you". Doesn't mean she's willing to do it, but there is some noticing. After a year and a half of doing it all, she's starting to see/understand that I do things  :P ,

Then there's the biggie that really blew my mind..... her job. Her job is the center of her life, the most important thing. For years now she's been fighting with her co-workers (I couldn't be sure who was in the wrong - and I still don't). Well, the other night.... in passing she mentioned talking to one of these ladies. I was like "Who?" and she looked at me.... "Oh yeah, we're all getting along now", and just kept going in her story (like it was no big deal). Um, they were clawing at each other, ready to slit throats for years and now everything is fine?  :o
Then came another big one...... for years her company had wanted her to serve on the board. She has declined multiple times. Years ago (early shadow) she wanted that bad. As she went further in, she still wanted it (and worked hard for it) but said it was too much but the time they offered it.
Well, they are thinking of offering it again...... and now, for the 1st time, she's going to say yes. WOW!!
I mean, it shocked the heck out of me when she turned it down (maybe 5 years ago), and after that it wasn't a surprise as she was getting worse and worse.
Now she wants to do it, and is willing to say yes.
Big.

As for me: I'm on a tough diet. It's so lean, but I'm stalled out on weight loss. Building muscle, but not losing weight. That's very frustrating, but also not the end of the world. My walking has taken a beating being home to work out with W (I'm not complaining) so I chalk it up to that. 15 miles a week instead of 60 miles is a big difference harder diet or no.

All in all, a good week. She gets closer, then drifts away. I'm used to it. It's so rapid now, I don't even try to shift gears. Sometimes she seems to completely cycle within the day. Faster and faster. It's almost a blur at times, and I'm curious if it all just melds together into the new person or if something else will happen.
I'm not deluding myself into thinking she's in withdrawal or depression. She's in replay, but she's cooking for sure. Well, I'm not sure what is happening but I'm content to know that it'll make sense later.... I don't have to identify everything in real-time.  :D ;)

One day at a time,

-SS
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Another week goes by, another update to my journal......

I can't say I like or enjoy whatever step W is at the moment, so I'm taking up time with work, self-improvement, and projects. That is fun and beneficial.
At this time she is bored easily, is wanting distractions is on the increase, and she's cycling away somewhat (which is normal).

Covid wave 2 is here as expected, and with it an increase in stress for the family. I could care less but being accommodating to those who are really worried is something I'm sensitive to. Really I just want it to be over with. The holidays are in jeopardy, and it'd be very unfortunate to cancel Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I bought W her birthday present...... not sure if she'll like it or not. She's been spending so much time making jewelry........ so I got her a bunch of vintage Swarovski crystals/beads. I hope she'll really like it..... but you never know. She opened up a week ago and said when she makes jewelry that it's the only time her head isn't spinning/thinking. It's her escape (or one of them), and that's healthy. God knows reading and learning is mine.
With wave 2 Corona in effect, looks like there will be no escape vacation for her during the holidays, but I could be wrong.

I have two conferences (virtual) over the next couple weeks...... had been looking forward to traveling to these but there are no conferences anywhere in person anymore. Another one I wanted to attend early next year was just postponed to summer. I think all of them will do the same (or be canceled). Tough for the LBS to find an escape during this Covid, especially with a Live-In. I can go a long time, and even longer than I think.... but rest is important. I don't see any forthcoming for a long while. Getting that perspective that only a little distance provides is good. Well, it'll happen when it happens. Make the best with the hand you're dealt. Opportunity is abound.

Less than a week to the election too..... will be glad to have that in the rearview mirror. The phone rings constantly with polling places, automated messages, and texts from places that I have no idea how they got my #. Very annoying.
In this bubble of "normal" that a LBS maintains, it sure would be nice to have the outside world become a little more "normal".  :P

Well, another week in the can.
I wonder if there will be trick or treaters this year? I hope so.

One day at a time,

-SS
   
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BD - 27th April 2019

F
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You know, I read your post and noticed something, it’s just normal life mostly this week!  That’s great!!!  I am also so ready for the election to be over.  Have a great week Standing!!!
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Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-40
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.

 

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