Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 9: You spin me round (like a record)

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 898
  • Gender: Male
The warning bells (on some level) should be going off in her head..... and I'm about to launch a new business and could leave her behind. All done because it has to be done, but on a lessor note all done in part to help put a fire under her. She has much to lose, and I hope she knows it.

Or if changing perspective....

"Good enough, I just want to feel I am good enough."...  and "why did you now have to become so Gosh Darn perfect"....     those are two phrases I've heard from  STBXW in this process.  As you know she struggless with self-esteem, self-value, self-worth and other demons...  I think the more I have worked (strived for perfection)  on myself, the less attracted she feels for me.  Possibly that is where some of the resentment and sadness within her roots from.  She does the mistake of comparing herself to me (and others). 

If thinking mindfully, we feel attracted to kind of persons we feel are on the same level as us.  Especially if/when "not in relationship" (and I think this holds true to our MLCrs regardless of them being live-ins or not, as they are not committed).... Except that image of  class is totally internal. If you are super confident person (not comparing yourself to anyone), you can go after anyone you desire.   If you have average confidence and self-value, then you likely seek another person of similar level (±1) .... but if you have issues, then you likely go with affairs down.   

So what your W sees and feels right now..  I really don't know. But since MLCrs see the the world differently... she might have totally different kind of 'warnings' on her head.... But it's not your issue.  You grow you, and she follows or not over time.  Building up self-esteem, self-value, confidence.... it's a process.  Slow and cumbersome process. 

Just my 5 cents worth.

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
Great points Alvin  :D

Yup, impossible to know..... the thing is, when we go hiking (or camping).... IF she follows thru with that (and I'm not expecting anything)..... I know it will come up, from her. Also impossible to have a totally honest, frank, rational conversation with someone with a fogged up head (as much as I would love that).
Perception, perception.
Nothing I can say will make a difference..... but she's smart, a really really smart woman. Too smart for her own good, and more stubborn than a mule (maybe the most stubborn person I've ever known..... LOL!!!).

I forgot to add a couple things from the 1 hour call the other day: She's blown all the cash she took with her (which was considerable). In quarantine and you blow a grand, in a third world country where everything is super cheap? Yeah. She's only at the halfway mark for her trip  :o
Needless to say, she hasn't observed quarantine: She spoke of buying stuff for the apartment she rented, and going out to restaurants. All the while, her phone hasn't moved since arriving.  :-X
She's suppose to be there visiting her mom. The day for dropping in on her was last Friday, then slipped to the weekend, then slipped to early in the week, then Wednesday.... and on Wednesday..... no mention at all about when (or if) that was going to happen. Instead it's "I'm busy with work". Uh huh.

They think they're trixy, don't they?
Filthy hobbits......

 ;)
One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1176
  • Gender: Female
I hope you had an awesome  birthday Standing :). I sometimes amuse myself with my h.  After a sangria last week I sent him a steamy legs picture captioned with, “you done messed up”.  I was just being a dork, but well, it’s still true:). I have nothing to lose by entertaining myself.

They aren’t thankful for what they had and he doesn’t realize that if I wanted someone in my life it could happen very easily.  Hopefully your wife starts waking up soon and recognizes you’ve done right by her!  You love her and your a great guy. 
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-40
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 898
  • Gender: Male
I sometimes amuse myself with my h.  After a sangria last week I sent him a steamy legs picture captioned with, “you done messed up”.  I was just being a dork, but well, it’s still true:). I have nothing to lose by entertaining myself.

You're really wicked (in a good way),  FJ....LOL... Oh how fun it woul be if we men could do something like that (but hairy legs,LOL).

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1176
  • Gender: Female
Alvin!  Yes, the hairy legs get in the way;)
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-40
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.
Oct 30 2020-He wants to get back together.  I am unsure.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 262
  • Gender: Female
Happy Birthday SS!

Just got caught up and your comment regarding her version of when she arrived in the country, is common for the MLCer.  Dont forget that they lose pockets of time in their mind.   She probably really did believe that she "just arrived"  ::)
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 42
BD - Jan 17, 2020

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
Thanks Les, Alvin & FJ  :)

Les: Not a chance.... lies thru omission. W is manipulative and very smart, but generally isn't a liar...... she's totally good with misleading and leaving things out though.  ::)

I heard from W today. This cycling back towards and then away is so very predictable. Leave her alone long enough and she comes sniffing around.
Today she wanted to know what was going on, and once again brought up going hiking together. She even called it "a date".
Do I believe it? Well, I believe she means it at the time..... and then she'll cycle away again.
Checking, checking. checking...... checking to see if I'm there.
She even offered to cook.  ???
Of course this sends up red flags to me. Good follows bad, and bad follows good.

She claims she was sick for days and that has kept her from going to her mom's.  ::)
She says her trip has not gone at all according to her plan, but that it has been good for clearing her mind and sorting things out (whatever that means).
Not my circus, not my monkeys. I continue to be kind and patient...... and yes hopeful. Nothing I can do to really help the situation, but I try to pave the way. I hope this is not enabling her, but when she returns I'm ready to place some boundaries and expectations..... not an iron fist, but it will be a push. I haven't pushed her yet, so this will be a learning experience. Baby steps so as not to spook her. Maybe I can get a tiny amount of growth and open up some better communication. Intuition says it's time. Gently but firmly.

Oh!! Of course!! ME!!
I'm doing great! Just crossed into the teens on body fat, I've lost another 6 lbs and only three away from my initial goal  8)
Now that I'm almost there, I realize my guesstimate was wrong and I need to lose more. So, another 20lbs added to my goal and then I'll see if I'm near where I really want to be: 10% body fat, totally ripped, with an awesome 8 pack (assuming I have 8 and not 6...... genetics, some have 8 and some have 6. I hope I have 8);)

Chiseling away....

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23414
  • Gender: Female
Aw Standing most women don't care about 6 packs.  I think men do.

Lean and mean is better.

Just like women are not so into men's legs. 
I nice chest and some nice arms and shoulders are WAY more attractive to us.
Just a lady tip.  lol


  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1131
  • Gender: Male
What do you think about this?

I'm perplexed. Hopeful (trying not to be), but perplexed.

Journaling..... this is going to be semi-long......

Last I had heard from W, she wanted to go on "a date" with me.... maybe hiking or a cabin or something. I didn't think too much of it. Cycle close, cycle away. No surprises.

Today she calls, and we end up talking for an hour and forty-five min. Longest conversation in a long time.
She sounds normal, and talks about her trip: How she's been using the time to "figure things out". OK, that's good. Cook baby cook.
She goes into a fear she had about being alone, meaning if something happened to me what would happen. She explains that she went directly from living with her dad to being married to me, and she's been curious and afraid about standing on her own. "Could she do it?". She's never really cooked for herself, and I take care of a lot of things (grocery shopping, etc.) and she didn't know what that would be like. So she's been doing all those things these past three weeks. I asked her what she's learned...... she says "I like having some space to myself, but I don't like being alone", "being left with her thoughts is difficult". Ok, that's a fair. She also says she doesn't know if she likes to cook, but she likes knowing she can feed herself, and wants to learn how to cook more. Ok, also good.

She had her IC yesterday, and she lets me know they were talking about MC.  :-X I asked if the IC says it's time.... and according to W, it is and the IC thinks it's a good idea. That makes me nervous but I have to say, I'm really looking forward to MC if it's time. W explains the goal is to start off with small things and work our way to the really big problems. Learn how to communicate and what each of us needs and expects from the other....... well this sounds good. Try not to get your hopes up SS.......

Then she talks about thinking about who she is, and discovering who she is.... that her trip has let her focus on this and she has a lot to tell me..... and that she wants to talk, in person. She brings up the date again, and we talk about it. We end up with a plan to stay at a hot springs for two nights the weekend after she gets back. She wants to relax, talk, play board games, go hiking, and cook together. Wow. Ok SS, don't get your hopes up.

Then she talks about fixing up the backyard and making a place for us to relax and get away from being inside.... that we need to spend time together. She's right, and yes I like the idea (a lot).

Sooooooo..... she wants to learn to communicate. She thinks she's worked on herself a lot but she's not done. She's not in a rush to fix "us" and seems to want to do it "right". She wants to go slow and have help in doing it.

Very confusing. On one hand, she's still in crisis. This makes me think of...... oh I forget what her name is on youtube...... Blonde Bombshell? She made a V-log of her MLC and halfway thru it she wanted to work with her hubby. I'll look it up:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNgCBKzBRE8&t=286s

So, I'd like to be optimistic...... I'd like to believe "oh look! There's light!". Oh how I would love that. Oh how I WANT that. Is that the case? Unknown. I'm on guard though.
Even IF all this is on the level, there's a lot to work out. I'm not afraid of that, and it won't be easy.

Perplexed. It's going to be an interesting August.

One day at a time,

-SS
  • Logged
W - 40
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

9
  • *
  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 600
  • Gender: Female
Standing,

Here’s my two cents on marriage counseling.  Last July my H seemed to be doing better in counseling.  He started to come home from counseling telling me that his counselor told him it may be time to start MC.  I was hesitant to start because my H still had not faced himself.  There was no remorse, no empathy and I was confused on why his counselor would want to start MC.  I decided to give it a go.  (Many people on here warned me about MC when your spouse doesn’t seem ready). I thought I had nothing to lose.  Well, needless to say MC was a disaster.  The counselor would shake her head in disbelief on what my H would say.  He never took ownership of anything.  We went for about 5 sessions and then quit. ( I actually got the benefit of learning some new communication skills).

Shorter version I am now in the camp that believes MC is a waste of time and $ for someone in crisis.  I firmly believe my H was not even forthcoming with his IC the whole time he went.  He quit after 6 months because he felt he didn’t need it anymore? 

This crisis is not about your marriage. It’s not about you, it’s about what your W is going through.  I think marriage counseling made my situation worse.  H did a big backslide and still does if I show any negative or sorrowful emotions.  If you do go, go without any expectations.  You also will hear things from your wife that you may not want to hear.  My H told me that if I had paid more attention to him he wouldn’t have had the affair.  Both the counselor and I called him on this.

My H wanted to go to MC so he could blame our marriage for his problems. When it wasn’t working he wanted to quit.  It was funny the other day he said he wanted to go back to marriage counseling if he could find a therapist that would only deal with our future not our past 🤔 I said good luck finding one of those! 

Do what you feel is right, but don’t let her blame your marriage for her problems. 

My two cents!
  • Logged
Husband 55
Me 55
Kids 3 sons 29, 27, 25 1 daughter 20
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 33 years.  Together 35
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.