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Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 9: You spin me round (like a record)

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"My H wanted to go to MC so he could blame our marriage for his problems."

Meaning get the MC to agree with her there is no hope.  So then they can feel justified they were right.

Standing over the years I have been here I have to completely agree with roo.

After a year into their crisis they are just not ready to face up to the fact that their the problem, it is NOT a marriage problem.

Communication is not the problem either.
I hate, hate, hate to be so negative about this Standing.  I know you are cautious and not buying into this, but it does elevate expectations.

If you do decide to go to marriage counseling fine, just let them know you are there to learn how to communicate better..but the minute you see blame coming your way, just say...wait...this is not constructive to our communication problem.
We should not be playing the blame game, we have both made mistakes.  We are here to learn how to communicate better, so lets do that.

Standing I've thought for a while your W may be one of the MLCer's who may come out of this but she needs time to sort herself out.
That is going to take a lot of inner work from her, which maybe she is starting to do.  Maybe.

Just don't allow the blame game to start.  Cut if off.  That is not what you are there for.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

m
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SS I will share this fwiw. My wife also suggested we should “date” and even after a couple of times said “wow this is so much better, now this is what I was looking for.” That is right before she completely swerved away and told me i was repugnant and repulsive.

One year in she started to become more “herself” and said a lot of similar things. She started using “we” and “us” and “our home” and let’s do x and do y. I didn’t really take it too seriously but went along. She even started acting almost 75% of her old self day to day. She was going to therapy and we would have these kind of “long talks.” But they were always about her and her feelings and her discoveries (this was a red flag even then). But I listened.

So right after that she showed up one day and when I asked if she wanted to go get dinner she simply said no because she wants a divorce and I can make weekend plans for myself. None of this ever was causal, none of it was a linear process. At the risk of being negative (and honestly I am NOT trying to be, I want to see you get through this, your W to do her work and you two back together) she isn’t cooking. She is still probably fracturing one year in. This may be VERY HARD to hear, and it’s NOT meant to be discouraging. In a strange way if you can hold that idea in your mind it may be easier NOT to get pulled in, get your hopes up, then take damage that may not be reparable. It is counter intuitive but being more realistic and not buying it now may be much more useful to use in the longer timeframe of winning this war.

Maybe just meet her exactly where she is, but do not drop your guard and do not raise your hopes. Step forward when she does, step back the minute she does. Its not about not being friendly or being cold or not being open, its more about not falling in.

And listen my friend, I hope I am completely wrong. I hope she has suddenly figured herself out, and that she rapidly heals and reconnect. I would be full of joy and be so happy to be COMPLETELY WRONG. But everything i have seen, read, and understand says its not likely.

Stay strong, plan for the long haul, hold up your walls. It will protect you and your love and your marriage and in a strange way maybe even your wife.
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« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 06:20:18 PM by marvin4242 »

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Thank you Roo, T and Marvin  :D

Yeah, my skepticism is there...... there is plenty of reasons to be more than cautious here.
The timing seems way off, and there'd have to be a drastic change to leave replay (which is NOT evident at all to me).

So, I'll take it for what it is. Processing....... and hopefully there will be good processing inside it.
I know it can absolutely blow up, but it can do that on any given day.
What throws me is the desire on her part to go slow. That is different than racing to MC to validate a D. What's the angle? IS there an angle?Or just another distraction? (I'll vote distraction)

I think there is something to be learned here, what it is I'm not sure. Certainly an opportunity for observation.
I once again think about Blonde Bombshell and her videos. I had watched them with interest, to see a female MLC'er trying to document her experience. What was interesting was at one point, she chose to stay in her M but it was SUPER obvious that she was not done cooking from her videos. Then the "experience" of working on it with her H seemed to vanish and she was impersonating Marilyn Monroe, working out, getting plastic surgery and changing her career.
The interesting thing about this (for me) was the thought process. It seems like she's stalled out on her M, but she didn't run off and blow him up. Almost like "hey you, H.... you stand over here..... I'll be back after I fight off this aging thing  :o"). Poor guy. You can see his pain in one of the couples videos.
I've always wondered if an MLC'er can put their M on "ice" while they run thru whatever process their going thru.... to be "aware" enough not to destroy themselves, to have new red lines which they themselves won't cross. I guess in short, can an MLC'er choose to have a conscious while in MLC? That's a very interesting question to me. I think they absolutely CAN made decisions and stick to them, but it is rare. A question I ponder is: If they make a solid choice, does that make their other processing better/faster? In Bombshells case, she chose to stick with H but you see her going in a million other directions very rapidly. Is this happening because one of of her "questions" is answered? Freeing her to explore all the other "questions"? It's an interesting thought.

I totally think you're right Marvin..... perhaps fracturing. If anything, it somewhat appears the "personalities" are becoming stronger or maybe more solid (I can completely see what you're saying about 75%). The personalities last longer, memory is virtually complete, there seems to be movement "inside" personalities. For the "good" W persona that's great. What does it mean when monster reemerges? It will be stronger? That's not a pleasant thought, but I also know that this is very likely at some point (if not a certainty). With "good" W doing recon, "Monster" will have all the ammo she needs to get the job done. To me, one of the only paths thru that is strengthening "good W" so she is strong enough to fight (or be a big influence). Well, that's my theory anyway. Could be totally wrong, but what other choice is there?
Of course, she isn't the only one doing recon  ;) and I'm much stronger now than Monster will remember. 

My demand in all this is that IC continues during MC, and that the M is not the issue. We do need to learn to communicate. We do need to find common ground. We do have some big issues to deal with. I hope that the work to be "safe" continues to grow and produce a positive impact.
I stirred the pot in the beginning, and I think it was needed at the time. Then I handed that off to a professional, and I think that was needed at the time (and still). I know she's not graduated from that yet, I also think it's like an overeager kid wanting to ride a motorcycle when all they know is a pedal bike with training wheels. How to deal with that? Not sure yet.... but the motorcycle is a two seater, at least there's that.

One day at a time,

-SS
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Together 25 years, M 22
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Lots of wise advice here, Standing.
I'd suggest that in addition to being a little sceptical as you say you are, you are also honest with yourself about the likely fact that you may have some hopeful expectations. Which is normal of course but may not be so useful if that makes sense.

Even my nutty vanisher lol had a moment when he suggested MC....I think it was about a year or so in too....I was pretty sceptical and did not jump into action at all. But said I would go along with it if he did the leg work to arrange it. A few weeks of emails followed with info about various different types of MC as options. I participated enough to say when asked which I preferred or didn't. He made an appointment. Four days before the appointment, he stopped communicating, completely radio silent. I turned up for the first appointment; he didn't  ::)....and MC was never mentioned again. He filed about two months later iirc. On a positive note, the MC turned out to be a pretty good IC for me for a few months  :)

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But they were always about her and her feelings and her discoveries
Reading stories here, I've often thought that the simplest way to see where MLC folks are is how Me-Me they are and how much empathy they show for anyone affected by their behaviour.

It doesn't sound as if your wife asked you much about your perspective or what you wanted. It doesn't sound as if she said much about how others like her family might feel when she didn't visit but she did talk a lot about what she thought, felt and wanted. There may have been parts of the conversation you didn't share of course, but what you did sounded pretty Me-Me and not much noticeable empathy for how others might have been affected? Even simple things like 'gosh, Standing, I left you alone for your birthday and as I realised I don't like being alone, I realised I'd left you alone'' or 'this covid situation must be very difficult for my mother and I haven't been very supportive' or 'I'm sorry that I have spent quite a lot of money down here'....even tbh a 'what would you like to do' about that trip away as opposed to a list of how she wants to hike and play board games....

And imho they were some odd flags while she was away that don't seem to fit what she says.....the restaurant visits, the on and off of the location app, the amount of money she spent, her avoiding her family....idk if your w is telling the truth, but I do know that MLCers lie a lot  ::)

Going back to my xh, he never once asked how I was....or what I needed....or how I felt. Not once, it was all about him. One can have compassion and understanding that things like depression do tend to make people self-centred for a while....no different when I had PTSD tbh, the pain sucks up your attention I think.....but MC requires some balance and reciprocity.

So my advice is to detach a bit more, look at how entitled and empathic she is or isn't, and use that to manage your boundaries and expectations.
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« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 10:49:12 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Hi Standing,

I think it's perfectly normal to feel bit worried on this sitch - as change of status quo is always a risk.  There's a 50/50 change it can swing either way.  But in order for new status quo to born you two must walk through this.

Your W wants to take this step. She can take the step (of going into MC) with you or without you.  And she has chosen to do it with you.  So that is plenty of reason to feel positive.  Whether or not MC is about saving the marriage or making a "consious splitting" (such an ugly phrase) is up to her. 

All you can take care is your side of the street.  Just go in there with curious mindset and you'll do well.  And let her work her side.   

You know this stuff.

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 29, 2020, 12:00:42 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

m
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If anything, it somewhat appears the "personalities" are becoming stronger or maybe more solid (I can completely see what you're saying about 75%). The personalities last longer, memory is virtually complete, there seems to be movement "inside" personalities. For the "good" W persona that's great. What does it mean when monster reemerges? It will be stronger? That's not a pleasant thought, but I also know that this is very likely at some point (if not a certainty). With "good" W doing recon, "Monster" will have all the ammo she needs to get the job done. To me, one of the only paths thru that is strengthening "good W" so she is strong enough to fight (or be a big influence). Well, that's my theory anyway. Could be totally wrong, but what other choice is there?

From everything I have studied and observed the closest model is think of a kaleidoscope if you will. There are facets of the old person all shattered and rearranged and shifting. Some of the worse elements which exist in all of us (and for some is very strong to begin with) may come more to the surface. Occasionally as the kaleidoscope turns you will see little snippets of the old self, distorted through a bent looking glass. So it looks familiar but its not the real thing. I think these are the times we feel they are connecting or coming closer. But kaleidoscope will keep turning until there is something fundamental internally they can latch on to begin healing or reassembling. Problem is we keep seeing fragments of the person we knew through the lens. Keep in mind we will by nature try to look for that person, which one of us wouldn't? So we see that "more" than everything else, and maybe even excuse the rest as "cooking."

They are simply coping any way they can moment to moment, day by day, with not much access to empathy or registering of the emotions and wants of others. It is what the human psyche does in highly traumatized states. Its survival mode of the mind if you will. It's like blood shifting away from extremities to the core to protect vital organs.

But the truth is its a lot of mirage and illusion until they really start reassembling (coming out of the tunnel if you will). I think trick for most standers is to make sure they don't keep hurting themselves when they see these mirages pop up. Yes I know its easier said than done, I know I have some of the scars and burn marks and I was pretty aware of what was going on. Even that isn't the perfect protection.
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Quote
From everything I have studied and observed the closest model is think of a kaleidoscope if you will. There are facets of the old person all shattered and rearranged and shifting. Some of the worse elements which exist in all of us (and for some is very strong to begin with) may come more to the surface. Occasionally as the kaleidoscope turns you will see little snippets of the old self, distorted through a bent looking glass.

That's rather spooky, Marvin.
I recall vividly a conversation with my then h, maybe about 6 months or so in sitting in a park, when he suddenly said out of nowhere "I'm a different person now. Well, maybe not completely different....more like a kaleidoscope when some bits have moved up and some bits back." I had no idea what he was talking about of course. I can't remember what I said, probably not much, just listened. But I remember it so vividly so it must have struck me as significant in some way at the time. And at that time I had no idea that I was dealing with anything other than 'just' a depressed husband who was asking me to not give up on him bc he was doing all he could to get well. And of course I had no idea how much worse things were going to get.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA,

Maybe growth, maybe processing, maybe nothing.

I had my very 1st OM dream.   ???

Yeah, what is that? Well.... it's a little silly but I should write it down just so it's journaled and never lost.

So I dream that W is out and about doing whatever she does, and I'm doing my own thing (as usual). Disconnected. Then I get a text with a picture of a car I don't recognize.  ???
Then another picture, then another picture. The door open. The interior of the car. So I get concerned, and race to where the car is (a hotel I can make out in the background). I get there and spy the car headed away and follow it to the airport. My only thought: She's in trouble. I'm on a motorcycle (how? I don't drive a motorcycle)..... Com'on it's a dream!! LOL!!!

Get to the airport and I'm searching for W. I'm thinking she's been kidnapped or something. Somehow Prince is with me (??) and is backing me up..... (I'm not a Price fan and I doubt a 5 foot skinny guy is going to be any use). Eventually I find W and she's with an 8 foot tall, sleeved tattoo, facial piercing guy. Complete with backwards baseball cap and baggy clothes. Total looser. I laugh and think to myself "WOW, they really do trade down don't they?" (yes I think this). I walk up and say "HI..... who are you?". W has a shocked look on her face. He says I'm bla-bla-bla (nervous) and I say "who is this?" and point to W. His eyes light up and says "this is the most wonderful person in the world... bla-bla-bla.... and we're so in love..... bla-bla-bla.....". I laugh and say "Oh..... you mean my wife?". He replies "wut? nah...... are you..... nahhhhh". My reply is "time to go", and walk away. W is professing all her feelings of love and nothing can keep them apart.... then 8 foot monster gets uglier and aggressive with me and I turn into ticked off hubby..... beat the crap out of 8-foot monster, no problem. After that, Price was running around worried that we can messed up the place and wanted to clean it before the cops arrived.  :o

Very weird, but hey, that's processing. I don't even know what happened to W after I beat him up...... I ended up on the motorcycle driving away with W's other sister (one that does not exist in real life and who sent me the pictures in the dream).  ;D :o :P :-X

Alright Freud, where are you?

One day at a time,

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Ha ha ha ha Standing, dreams can be weird.  I'm just glad you beat the dude up!
Little Prince probably wasn't going to be of much help...but nice he helped clean up.   ;D
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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"The wheels on the bus go round and round.... round and round....... the wheels on the bus go......."

Journaling.......

W finally arrived at her mom's house late yesterday afternoon/evening. That's good. No call or anything to let me know (not a surprise).  ::)

I have been on a roll with exercise!! 14 miles walked today, and started putting together my weightlifting routine.   ;D ;D ;D
So very excited.
The call of the cheeseburger is the hardest thing to ignore: Every time I finished walking I hear the call of the cheeseburger...... "SS..... come.... EAT ME!!!!". LOL!!!
All I have to do is think of the calories and grams of fat & carbs, and I run home to my water and protein shakes.  :P
Tonight though... I answered the call...... by cooking my own using 97% lean hamburger and a low calorie/carb tortilla for a bun!!! It was sooooooo good!!!!
1/2 lb of meat, onion, spicy mustard and two slices of Velveeta (low calorie) and low calorie popcorn instead of fries. It was amazing. 500 calories for the whole thing.

W called tonight on video...... was it to see how I was doing? Nope. It never is. LOL!! She looked so tired and run down. Poor thing. No, she called me to let me know she'll be staying an extra week so she can spend time with her mom. Well, that's ok. I think it's good she does that. I told her what's going on in my life, and then asked her to tell me something. She went on a long rant about her job....... and it was interesting. She's completely disillusioned about work, finds no joy in it.  She's having trouble with her boss, and he is going to be very unhappy she's going to be out another week. She knows she can't change jobs during COVID and also knows she can't get another job that pays as much anyway. She says she's stuck. No motivation to do anything, no happiness.
She looks at me and sees I'm on fire and a success at everything I'm working on, and attributes that to "me being a man, and everything is easier if you're a man........ you get everything handed to you".  ???
Well, I work darn hard to succeed and it has nothing to do with me being a man. I work in a female dominated environment, and I had to turn heads to win them over.
Then she went over all her accomplishments and how they are all for nothing at her job. I suggested that learning how to do these things builds to something bigger, better and actually fulfilling........ she says "I know you believe that..... the eternal optimist.......... sometimes that is really annoying".
Well, my poor W........ oh to work together on something of value...... I hope and pray, someday.
I don't know if this is selfish or not..... I would so love for her to be a housewife. This stress and hustle of the corporate world is not good for her (it never has been). She just goes goes goes, and shakes herself to pieces. It would be so good just to have her be herself. I know that is impossible now, but I would be happy with a simple life of me bring home the bacon and her just to be carefree and......... still. For her to know peace.
Oh to have a helper, and not someone who just needs help.


So I have an extra week alone!! More time to work on this body and turn it into a SEXY BEAST  :P 8) ;D

Always a thread of silver in the lining.

One day at a time,

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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