Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story It's My Life 1

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
My Story It's My Life 1
OP: July 13, 2020, 02:54:26 PM
All my other threads were titled wife's mlc. Well, she's my ex wife now, I think she's in a life long MLC and will likely never recover. So, make you sure you update your bookmarks to the new thread title and for those of you in the central time zone, please remember my thread starts one hour earlier for you guys.

Old thread is here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11288.0

And the inspiration for this thread's title comes from the old 80's tune, it's my life, by talk talk.. and old favorite of mine and it accurately reflects what I should be focusing on now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFH5JgyZK1I

At the end of my last thread I was doing some introspection and talking about the good things that have happened as of late. If you want to catch up, feel free to jump to the last couple pages of the thread.

One of the things I forgot to mention, for you coffee lovers out there, I tried folger's 1890 or whatever year, pioneer blend and I thought it was pretty good. I tried the noir and I had some kind of reaction to it, which is why I tend to stay away from brands like that and maxwell house and so on.. I think they're pretty much full of chemicals. But it was surprisingly flavorful and easy to drink.

I think I've hit a air soft stopping point for a while and I want to focus on getting together a music setup. It'll have to be in my bedroom as I don't have room for it, but all I really need is a little floor space for a keyboard stand. I've just been using the keyboard on my laptop (yes the qwerty keys) to plunk out notes and it's been years since I've had actual keys to play on, so that will be a doable, small purchase that would make a huge difference in my life.

It's not even me making more money, but I'm looking at stuff like, 5  lawn sprinklers are 20$. They make the grass greener, I'm happier with house.. huge pay off. Piano keyboard? less than 200$. Artistic, creative expression? Again, huge pay off..

It's just weird when you're unhappy how things don't even look worth it, when they only require a minimum of effort.

So I looked around for some highly sensitive personality stuff and I found a list of therapists that do online sessions that specialize in it. I do need to grow in more confidence with myself, but I also want to learn about dating. I've come to a stand still and I guess it's tie to call in some out side help. Everything I read online is a top ten list.. it's all status quo, you know you're a .. if you.. kind of stuff, nothing helpful.

I honestly stopped dating because nothing was changing in my experiences. I may have blown through the red flags on some, but they all had them and I wasn't getting anywhere. I'm not trying to rehash, I swear,, but I'm just trying to frame my feelings in words. I did just read something online from an author who said that most women want to be friends with an HSP male, but would rather marry and date a non-HSP male and it really rang true for me.

I think that the one thing all of the women who wanted to date me had in common, was that they say me as a sort of free hug vending machine and little else. I know I'm a fun, diverse, intelligent, funny, fun to be around kind of guy.. I have equally have gone mud bogging with my red neck friends and also lived a bit of the high life with my rich, quasi socialite parents. I'm definitely not your average bear.

What I think I don't do, is to broadcast or sell myself and I think that's what sets me apart. I think women want guys who appear fun, even if they aren't nice people and I think I'm the opposite. I think I'm someone who looks nice and boring on the outside, but once you get to know me, I'm actually anything but. I also think women like guys who fit into boxes.. sports guy, anime guy.. none of that is me either.

I know, ye women of the forum will doth protest and ye have me thanks and gratitude. I suppose again, part of that is just finding the right group of people to hang out with.  But I have too much negative self esteem tied up in being the nice guy, because it reinforces the negative beliefs I have about myself.

So I've just kinda put a stop to everything until I can get some help and I can work on the problem. Somewhere at some point I called the whole work from home thing, not a blessing, because we don't need this plague, but it is a silver lining as it's given me time to pause and really think about things.

I don't want to react anymore and knee jerk myself into anxiety. I want to approach things pragmatically from now on, so I can help myself, learn to love myself and be better and happier over all.

Ok, in my head now I'm thinking of you like a meerkat lol....
And those are very cute animals indeed  :)

They had some at the Washington DC zoo when I went up there many years ago on a trip with school. Yeah, they were really cool. I think all of my cats think of me as a big cat anyway :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3c3FWwO6w
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 03:01:30 PM by gman242 »

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#1: July 13, 2020, 07:06:13 PM
I just had some shower thoughts..

1. I think what the nice guy thing is, is because of the lady at work a few years ago. It sounded like her husband had an MLC and I wanted advice and the name of a lawyer and she took my request the wrong way and knocked me down and rolled right over me. At one point she said "I just want a nice guy, I don't care who he is or what he looks like". I think in one glimpse of lucidity, xw recognized her mistake with om and said "I think I just need someone to be there all the time".

It hasn't been all of the women I went out with, but more than a few hit me with the nice guy thing, or should I say just a warm body thing? I'm a hard worker and a fighter. I can apply for jobs, go back to school, do what I need to and shoot my way out of a trench if I have to. But what if the way people see me isn't something I can control? What if I can't shoot or work my way out of being a nice guy and I end up being just some strange paradox? It's nothing I did and nothing I can change either perhaps?

2. I'm a creative artistic type with a definite fun side too. Going back to that non self promotion thing.. there's no reason I can't do it either. I haven't because I haven't really developed my own personal and individual sense of style. I also don't because guys don't normally do that kind of thing. Guys take shirtless pics on boats and of them laughing when another one of them is laying passed out on the ground. I'm afraid of showing my artistic side to the world because I'll be rubbing elbows with women and teenaged girls who pimp and preen for profit. It just creeps me out.. it's hard to be unique or at least true to yourself when everyone else is screaming for attention and you just want to be you and not judged.

3. I had the perfect come back for when xw wanted the baskets from under the bathroom sink a few months ago. "uh.. no. not with that attitude, you're not getting them. They sat there for four years and now you're acting like I'm doing something to you and you want them? you can try again later when you drop the attitude. I haven't don't anything to you in four years.". Better late than never.  :-\

4. I wish the forum had some way to hide text. Some of the other forum softwares allow you hide text selections behind a "expand" or "show" link. I feel like it'd give me privacy to think out loud and if you wanted to read it, you could if not, don't. I'm honestly not a deep and morose person  ;D I swear. It just really helps me to write about things here. I think it's one of the only things that's helped me make it this far. But at least if there was a way to hide content, I could leave the  more positive day to day stuff visible and then hide the deeper stuff.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 07:28:28 PM by gman242 »

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 698
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#2: July 13, 2020, 08:20:15 PM
Along for the ride, gman. To life!
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 44
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
It's My Life 1
#3: July 13, 2020, 09:20:29 PM
@gman

I'm a fellow HSP! I'm more at the extreme end of the spectrum, which makes life challenging bc I get overwhelmed often. I think many women do like and appreciate the artistic, creative type. It really just depends on the woman. I feel dating in general-for everyone-is challenging. I only had the 'bad boy' type who were interested in me and that was FAR from what I wanted. I value kind, loyal people.

You'll find the right person! Look at this phase as one of self-discovery and adventure. I know there are days you'll feel probably like I do ( defeated, confused, lost, sad) because of what you've been through, but at some point I'm hoping that all of us LBSes will be able to return to a state of peace at some point.

Just remember that there absolutely are women who value HSPs!
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#4: July 15, 2020, 01:56:01 PM
Pj, wassup? Welcome aboard.

BritAmericanMom, I think it's only crowds or repetitive, annoying sounds (like beeping) that make me overstimulated. So I guess all things considered, I got pretty lucky, or at least, it's dulled since I've aged. I think the hardest thing though was being an HSP coupled with having ADD. I don't know how often they go hand in hand or if one is the symptom of the other, but with the ADD and when I was younger, my emotions were so much more intense and I found myself in looping emotional patterns and it took hours for me to calm down.

I suppose too, I'm quite lucky I made it this far and didn't land in jail or have horrible drug abuse problems. I suppose I should pat myself on the back for the amazing amount of strength I have as a person.

Yeah, I just don't know what gives with attracting types.  :-\ I wish I could just meet someone that also wants to be my friend. To be fair, I had a few, fun dates,, but they just had their own problems and it didn't work out.

This is probably a good time to thank Treasur again for noticing that I'm slowly getting there, working on recognizing red flags. The last person I was talking to, I got that "I'm just a warm body" feeling and let it drop and that's when I quit dating. The online thing simply wasn't fun anymore. However, I think I have a lot of catch up learning to do too. Xw and I got lucky enough that we had enough in common and a good enough vibe that we made it 15 years.

But I also need to learn how people perceive me. I think I always thought I was never really as attractive as other people have thought I am and I think that has a lot to do with how I interpreted the attention (both positive and negative) I've gotten from women and girls my whole life. Inside, I thought I was the weird, lonely kid nobody liked and if I had better self esteem, I would have walked right past the women that were just messing with me or just not appropriate and I would have taken up some of the other women that might have actually been interested in me.

I think really, it just comes down to developing the sense of self that I should have had all of those years ago and also the awareness of what I want in someone else, the subtleties of people's behaviors and to just generally not take everything so personally.

Look at this phase as one of self-discovery and adventure. I know there are days you'll feel probably like I do ( defeated, confused, lost, sad) because of what you've been through, but at some point I'm hoping that all of us LBSes will be able to return to a state of peace at some point.

So with all that, I do agree with you here! And yes, I feel especially defeated, lost and confused. But I think, again, a lot of that is blame I put on myself. I know I didn't have the upbringing that some others were fortunate to have, in which they were encouraged to discover their true self earlier in childhood and to feel secure in it. I often wonder if that's something we all don't have in common as LBSes. Much as I feel that most MLCers have unresolved issues from their own childhood as well.

I'm sad to say welcome aboard the forum! But overlooking the obvious, we're glad you're here and thanks for posting your thoughts in my thread!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 01:57:06 PM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3836
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#5: July 15, 2020, 07:44:53 PM
Y'Know gman, I'm going to say the same thing to you I say to the other people who seem to feel like you do. You don't have to tell everyone about yourself, just BE who you are.  The fact that you are now (at least sometimes) able recognize what you do not want says you can just be you with your new assertive streak. I can tell you have a quirky sense of humor, use it in your favor.

You want to know what I like in a man? Someone who, when faced with rude or over the top people, shuts that down with directness or humor or whatever it takes. And if he's not up for that on a given day, at least looks at the other person like they have lost all their marbles and holds that look. Because that is confidence. Confidence that says "I'm just fine, you on the other hand, need some help". A person in a box is boring.

So, my massage therapist is actually trying to be a "nice guy" (he's having his own MLC, my goodness they are everywhere), but his default mode has always been snarky with a side of sarcastic. He is fighting it very hard to be nothing but a "nice guy". He is amazed when we get going with the sarcasm back and forth, and it's not biting or snarky, just funny in the context we use it. And I told him, it's OK to fight the snarky or mean if that no longer suits you. Sarcasm does not have to be mean, it depends on who you are with and how you use it. You can channel that form of humor to something special between friends. Trying to overwrite everything that you are doesn't work very well. Instead, bring out your best and learn to use different facets for different people.

If you are creative, be creative. Be the multi faceted human being that you are.  And have confidence that that multi faceted person is just fine, thank you very much and that anyone who thinks you are a nothing but a free hug machine is really losing out.  When they fall to the wayside, that leaves room the the right person to slide right in.

You parents were wrong, you aren't less than. You are more than enough and as soon as YOU see that, things will change.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:46:35 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1084
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#6: July 15, 2020, 07:53:26 PM
Following along G!!

Very interesting, I'm very curious how it goes for you.

-SS
  • Logged
W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#7: July 16, 2020, 02:55:22 PM
OR, I agree with you.. I just need to be me, more consistently and without hesitation and second guessing myself. I think a change has been taking place and I'm slowly getting there. At some point recently, I went through my airsoft Instagram, deleted a bunch of photos and kind of whipped up a new persona that felt like more like me and that's funny you mentioned the quirky  humor, because my first new pics were me pulling a ferris buller shower scene. I had a good time doing it and that's all I needed to happen lol.

I'm taking small steps, but i'm getting there. I moved one of my alexa dots into the bathroom so I could listen to news and music while I shower. I'm not an excessively needy person, but I do think that you should take the time to make things "feel" the way you want them to in your life. I make my bed every morning and I clean because it make me feel good to both do it and live in the space I created.

I also don't have the anxiety riddled life I seem to express here either. Not nearly as bad as it was back towards BD... I wish I could make the thought processes optional for people to read, but I do know people enjoy reading them though, so I guess I do have my own contribution to the forum, in my own way. And just to say so, I'm not hung up on thinking I'm excessively attractive or something. I am a cute guy though and I put off a friendly and approachable vibe, which I realize has just been another thing that has caused me trouble and I need to get figured out. I'm telling you, I have lacked self awareness for most of my life.

You're right too.. the crazy people, get rid of them, done and move on. I think though, what's caused me to stumble the most were the people that everything seemed like it was going well with and then suddenly, something changed for no apparent reason and I just know it's going to end. In real life, I'm a pretty consistent person and everyone I've dated so far, hasn't been. I know that's on them, but it plays on trust issues I have from my childhood and most certainly my marriage, BD and the MLC mess. That's just going to take some focused healing to get over I think. But it's emotionally unavailable people that do that I need to learn the signs of avoiding them faster, too. I think online dating has just been for the birds.. Once I'm able to, I need to get out there and make friends and be validate for who I am.

So why would the massage guy, be trying to be a nice guy? I mean it get it, if he's at work, I'd expect a certain amount of candor. That's one of the things I like about my new job actually is that people seem to feel free to be able to do without it. But if you've been a client for a long time, I also don't know why he wouldn't feel comfortable to be joking around with you either. 

But i hear ya.. I am trying to be the me I can be. As much as a single dad working full time can be..  8)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 03:02:21 PM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3836
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#8: July 16, 2020, 05:58:08 PM

So why would the massage guy, be trying to be a nice guy? I mean it get it, if he's at work, I'd expect a certain amount of candor. That's one of the things I like about my new job actually is that people seem to feel free to be able to do without it. But if you've been a client for a long time, I also don't know why he wouldn't feel comfortable to be joking around with you either. 

My massage guy is changing his whole life. He refers to his past snarkiness as being unfortunate, and it well could have been. Sometimes snarky and sarcasm are places to hide yourself from others. Sarcasm is one of those forms of humor that it depends on how it is used as to whether it is mean spirited or not. So if he groups snarky with sarcasm, he sees both as not good. And if he considers himself as being overly critical, and that it is a bad thing, he might be heading over the top on the "nice guy" side. It's probably why we get along so well, because he can see where the sarcasm doesn't have to be mean spirited, and everything doesn't have to be "nice" all the time. It's OK to hit a rough patch, you just work your way through.  It's really quite fascinating to listen to his thought process and story. And, BTW, he's another whose parents told him he was "less than" and he most certainly is not.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#9: July 20, 2020, 04:42:46 PM
I know exactly what you mean.. I tend to play devil's advocate all the time for no reason.. I think it was just the way men I've hung around my whole life have joked around. And I'm nice.. just because that's the way I am. I did read in the whole HSP person thing, since we tend to be observers, we pick up on people's needs and just automatically seem to take care of adjust to them. But .. I can see how he's over doing it too. I think the point of personal growth is to learn to be centered in yourself as a person and that center is just different for everyone.

I have made some progress on my whole dating anxiety dilemma... I had a couple of reinforcing experiences over the weekend. At airsoft a lady immediately approached the desk and asked me if she knew me. She thought she knew me from highschool and asked me my name and so on. I said she most likely knew me from the webpage and the facebook stuff as I run it all and I'm kind of the public face of the field. She said no that wasn't it..

We chatted on and off throughout the day, even though I *knew* something was up with it. She got talking about being born and raised in Fl and I said I was a Yankee transplant. We were talking about something else and she said "oh well being from *specific city* you'd.. " and I had never told her which city I was from. So she must have looked me up from the page and saw it on my facebook page.

Anyway, long story short, she was about to leave and I did something I normally wouldn't do. I knew nothing was going to happen with her and I didn't want it to because I didn't trust the situation, but I walked over to her and asked her if she had a facebook or anything, to you know, let me know she remembered where she knew me from. She tried to back out of it and turns out, she complained about her husband and he's the typical rich alpha male husband, she's the stay at home trophy wife.. yep, 50% of the people I've met online, exact same situation. I think she just found something fun for her and her son to do for the day and figured she'd flirt a bit too. I called it and no I don't want any of it.

The other thing that happened was that XW came over to take son shopping on Sunday. She seemed morose for some reason and not very talkative. Anyway, she had a stuffed baby yoda in the front window of her car and S asked why she has it in the window. Like the bumper stickers, she explained it away by saying someone just gave it to her and she didn't know what to do with it. It's obvious OM gave it to her or something..

It's become obvious to me, how much people just use me. How the yoda thing fits into it is, xw is just trying to keep OM happy because he's got money and she wants it. That made me sad a bit, because I know she probably doesn't treat him like she did me. She treated me the way she did because I was nice and she knew I"d put up with it.  :-\

But anyway, point being, people often want to use me because nice and or cute. I can't change who I am and the answer is, there's no easy answer. I'm just going to have to toughen up, learn to slow down and make people prove their real intents and interests in me.

For a emotionally hurt kid who didn't have control over his emotions from the emotional abuse and ADD, the positive attention was overwhelming and it was often more disingenuous than not and the pain of rejection when they got bored of me, just made me spiral more. But those days are in the past I think I'm finally done writhing in anxiety over it, because I realize I can only control how I react to it. I also need to learn the "type" of person I'm a good match for and will have the most success with. It's just tough.. getting divorced at 40 and realizing you never had a clue about dating and all of the required social interactions. But, I'll get there one day and I'm going to be fine. I made it this far and everything seems to have work out up to this point.

So work is going pretty good and I choked at bit at the beginning and since then I've learned to be myself and just relax. It's been nice that people I've only talked to online seemed excited to meet me in person. I guess I am a pretty cool guy that is generally well liked, if I do say so myself.

Aitsoft is wearing me out. It's literally been just too hot lately. The heat has been up to 90 something and the feels like has to be like 100 something something.. The next day I'm just wiped out. I didn't get off the couch until about noon on sunday. Got up, ran to the store and then did some yard work. Cut the grass, trimmed a bush and the crate myrtle in the front yard.

The grass is doing really well and I really feel like I accomplished something. It really is something positive, when I took notice of the new sprinkler, I devised a plan, followed up on it and I can see the results. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to varying degrees over the last few years. And just what a contradiction it is to everything I've been taught my whole life. I noticed something, fixed it and it worked. I drew my own conclusions and was right. I didn't listen to someone else or walk away with it because I felt like it wouldn't matter.  made it better. The yard feels better and I feel better.

I dunno man, what to tell you. I'm not even the same person I was a month ago.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 897
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#10: July 20, 2020, 11:21:06 PM
Hi gMan,

I really enjoy reading your latest adventures.    It touches something within, maybe because dating is one of those things that I've been processing/thinking  internally for some time. What seemed like valid approach some 20+yrs back simply does not apply anymore.  I'm a different person, I know more, adult women are different etc.  The whole game is just different, and if I would try to enter the game like 20yr old I'd be bruised and hurt in no time. 

So here's my 5cents worth of dating advice you never asked (and possible coming from source who doesn't know as much as he thinks he knows, LOL.  But you'll be the judge of that)....   

At airsoft a lady immediately approached the desk and asked me if she knew me. She thought she knew me from highschool and asked me my name and so on. ...I think she just found something fun for her and her son to do for the day and figured she'd flirt a bit too. I called it and no I don't want any of it.

Many gals flirt just for fun....  Which  makes women so hard to understand for us guys - because most of us men don't flirt for fun (heck, most of us don't flirt at all, LOL).

But maybe flipping the attitude helps.... if you are always assuming women to be genuinely interested everytime they flirt, you are having an expectation.  And if there's one thing everyone should have learned here, it is that expectations about other people are bad.  You miss the ball at least half the time.

So what if you just reverse the whole thing -  assume  they might be "flirting for fun"  or "flirting for real" or "you are just misreading the whole thing",  and let it build up from there.  Either way, flirting is just fllirting, nothing more than pre-check to see if you are the kind of person to get to know on any level.


It's become obvious to me, how much people just use me. How the yoda thing fits into it is, xw is just trying to keep OM happy because he's got money and she wants it. That made me sad a bit, because I know she probably doesn't treat him like she did me. She treated me the way she did because I was nice and she knew I"d put up with it.  :-\

Big part of relationships is based on mutual win-win.  You do/give something, she does/gives something in return.  It's the trade that does make relationships not just work but "emotionally fun".  It creates tension, spark, the pull. 

Say she asks you look at her car.. in return you ask for her to bake your favorite cupcakes you love or something of equal investment
She asks if you can pass her the ketchup, and you ask her to sing a bit of "ketchup song" (even small thing go value for value)
etc etc.  turn those occasions into flirty banter or whatever...     

If looking back....   I sure as hell can say that this is one "red flag" I missed out.   On some point the trade stopped. I just gave, gave, gave but received nothing in return.  I likely should have realized to start "dating" STBXW again but like so many persons in love (and stuck in rut) I likely just kept on giving and occasionally begrunted when she no longer played the game...  instead I should have gone back to "dating mode".  Instead of giving things, make her jump some hoola-hoops in fun way (relationships are "hard work" this way)... but lesson learned, not repeating the same mistake again.   Not even with her ;)

 
I also need to learn the "type" of person I'm a good match for and will have the most success with. It's just tough.. getting divorced at 40 and realizing you never had a clue about dating and all of the required social interactions.

Don't feel sorry for yourself.  I think it's the same for all of us in this age group.... I sure as hell can say that just re-thinking what dating was alike, and putting it into current knowledge base and context.... I really did not have a clue about dating apart of knowing precisely what I wanted from a girl.   And STBXW was 10/10 gem back then (then just some $h!te called life happened)....   And it is one of those reasons I am (re-)thinking about the whole dating thing.   Regardless of if I continue to stand or move on into new relationship,  I'm gonna have to learn to date in age appropiate way.   Because it is one of those skills I will need no matter what, and it makes me better - just for myself.   

I think it like this....  in order for me to get the kind of woman I want (or any males I want to become friends with),  I must 
a) know who I am  (so I know what matches me and how to market who I am),   and 
b) know the kind of woman I want  (looks, behaviour, characteristics, anything you'd want from a person you will spend your life with) and 
c) be pretty much the kind of person I want to attract (the opposites attract may be true for hurt people, but I think in healthy relationships it's the other way around - people who are similar enough attract each other.  It's all about aligning to values, beliefs goals,  lifestyle, all things external etc.)

And then when you know what you want from woman, the flirting and dating is basically all about throwing "tests" to see how well that other person matches your wants.  A non-smoker?  It's easy to test just by looking at her for some time, and you'll definitely know by the time you get close...   A non-drinker?  Bit harder, but at least you can eliminate anyone drunk at the moment....  Have yourself a list of the essentials, and work from easiest to check to "harder to check" (as you really don't want to invest too much in time for getting to know person who turns out to be say a smoker).....   Women do "test" us men if we are compatible, the same way us men should "test" woman if they are compatible (but I think a lot of men don't take this as mindfully, omit the tests and  go from relationship to relationship until finding something that feels good enough)....   And how do you know if woman you like is compatible?   By knowing yourself: who you are and what you want.   You can't blame the other person for being who they are, you can only look at yourself from picking a person that was "bad" match (but hey , we all make mistakes and we learn from them- that is what flirting and dating is to large extends, a school to make mistakes so we could find the person that matches us well )

Just my 5 cents worth,

Alvin.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 21, 2020, 12:26:19 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

C
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 580
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#11: July 22, 2020, 05:57:47 AM
Gman,

I love hearing your updates. I am excited to hear about you taking steps and exploring all the different facets of yourself wether that’s musically or decorating your house or playing airsoft.

The more you come to know yourself the more firm you will become on the life you want to live and your own personal boundaries that protect that life.

I want to talk about a “nice guy” and tell you what for me as a woman bothers me about a nice guy.
A nice guy is passive. A nice guy tries to figure out what I want and be that for me....instead of being who he is with confidence and treating me as an equal who is looking for a partner who suits my life and lifestyle and goals. A nice guys goal is the relationship....he has an unhealthy need for a relationship and therefore will present as malleable on things that shouldn’t be compromised to obtain a relationship.  Nice guys tend to be highly sensitive to rejection, instead of knowing that while someon may be nice....it doesn’t necessarily mean they are a good match. Often nice guys are attempting to control an outcome by being “nice.” Many times the nice guy doesn’t claim any strong opinions or boundaries so that he can appear “nice” and avoid any potential conflict. This creates a perception that there isn’t much substance behind the nice guy exterior.

When we were created we were made entirely whole. We don’t require another person to complete us. We have every single thing we need inside of us to fully realize our potential, abilities and to care for, nurture and love ourselves. You complete you, I complete me. Other people are just a bonus not a necessity.

I think as a kid with add from a bad family....I was hypersensitive to rejection to feeling unwanted, different, unworthy or unloveable. Inner child work and acceptance for me have been life changing.
If I love me.....I can never be unloved. And it satisfies the desire for love so completely and utterly that I have no need for love from other people....it becomes just a bonus. If I accept me for who I am...totally...not when I accomplish or do or become xyz...but who I am right here right now.....than other people’s inability to see my worth becomes a statement about that persons ability to see....not wether or not I have worth.

As I become more myself and more confident with showing those hidden parts of myself that I hadn’t accepted or loved before I notice 2 things.
A) the red flaggers become more judgmental and quicker to reject me.
B) my life is slowly filling with green flaggers

I attract the kind of person that I am. So a complete person who requires nothing from other people and can just appreciate others for who they are and whatever role they play in my life attracts other people who act and feel similarly.

In fact the more precise I become in who I am and acting out of my true self and heart of course the more specific a partner would need to be to add to that or to “fit” my life. And I am deserving of nothing less than that.

There are 7 billion people on this planet and every single one has a differing opinion on how I should act and what I should do...but I am the only one who has to feel the emotions of doing and acting in ways that aren’t true to me. Therefore the only opinion I’m choosing to care about is mine. I can validate myself....I don’t need or expect that from other people. And I am no less valid if someone doesn’t validate me.

For what it’s worth...that’s my insight on it. If it helps feel free to use it... if not you know what to do.

You got this

Courage
  • Logged
Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#12: July 22, 2020, 09:33:31 AM
Couraged, thank you so much for your thoughts. I agree with all of that and honestly, that's where I think I'm heading. It has just taken me a hot minute (or several) to clam down, relax, breathe, let go of the anxiety and like you were saying, just accept who I am and be who I am without pause or conditions.

When I spoke of being seen as a "nice guy", I meant to say, a kind person. I could see myself being pushed into the nice guy role in the past yes, but that goes back to the point I wanted to clarify. As I mentioned, women are often attracted to me because I'm either cute and or kind. I just read a really good article last night that framed things in a new way for me. The person that wrote the article talked about how we often and subconsciously project ourselves, wants, needs and desires onto the other person. I think that where people get into trouble is either because those projections match or the compliment each other.

It made sense to me, because it was one of the few or only articles I had seen that said it wasn't my fault, for whatever reason these women are attracted to me. I tend to blame myself a lot because I don't fit into a mold and trying to figure out who is my "type" is very difficult. I think a lot of women either want or they think they are attracted to a guy who seems to be the boss. Forgive me if I can't find the right term, but the traditional man who runs things. He makes all the decisions, he changes the oil, provides entertainment on the weekends and the lady more or less just shows up and comes along.

It just seems like always, women who have been with guys like that and have been hurt by them, are attracted to me because I'm calm, patient and I'm aware of other people's feelings. Going back to that projection thing, what most of them project onto me is neediness, in that they want me to be nice to them and they show very little interest in me as a person and my own needs. Well it makes sense, they were married to a guy who didn't care about theirs the entirety of their marriage, so they're looking for someone to overcompensate for the imbalance. For a long time, I've had a problem because it's been so hard for me to figure out "my type" and I still don't know what that is. So I feel like I never have the success in a relationship that I want and someone comes along with this projection of "I need to have you" and I go along with it and get pressed into the nice guy role, out of loneliness and sadness. And then on the other hand, I have been out with women I could have really liked, but they were just too unstable until it didn't work out and that just reinforces my sense of constant rejection.

Going full circle, the one thing I have never done is just be me and stood up for myself until I am treated the way I want to be. Yeah, that's definitely worth giving a shot now. Not doing it has only ever made me unhappy, so why not start now? Over the last few months I've had enough validating experiences to give me enough, umm positive emotional capital to move forward on my own, without training wheels, I suppose! Haha ..

The other thing too is when you're pushed into being the nice guy, there isn't room for you. When I was married, I never had the ability to exert any of my own control over the house. Now that I'm doing it and I'm seeing that I'm being successful in it, it's empowering me to trust my own inner voice.

I still think it's going to take a while to start seeing green flags. The reds are definitely not in my field of view anymore and this time around, I don't think I'm going to be minding the wait so much until I start (learning) to see green ones.
  • Logged

C
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 580
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#13: July 22, 2020, 09:42:29 AM
Yes! Yes! Yes!!!

I love it so much!

I am doing a happy dance in my living room for you right now!

😃
Courage
  • Logged
Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#14: July 27, 2020, 05:33:39 PM
I knew this would happen, if I changed the title of my thread, I'd forget and I'd be lost looking around the forum for it!  ;D

Alvin, I didn't overlook your advice. responding  to you got lost in the shuffle, so to speak. I agree with you.. dating should be about equals and them ore I'm learning not listen to my baggage, I'm finding it's easier and easier to make sense of things. I'll say it again, I think all of the self help stuff likes to make you feel inadequate because it sells.

Like one point i kept reading is to "cast a big net" and go out with people you normally wouldn't and other things like that. Nobody really advocates for figuring out what you want in a relationship. It's like if you can do that, you're being picky and not being "open minded". It's like they're shaming you without even knowing you, because you must be going after the wrong "types" and blah blah..

Anyway, I decided I know want and if dating rock climbing, emotionally unavailable women who are closet alcoholics isn't working for me, I ain't gonna do it, no matter what what an article tries to tell me about being open minded. Really what I want to do is the same stuff I was doing before: family activities, walking around target, doing nature stuff.. I want to date someone with who we can put our kids together and go play lazer tag. I didn't want to quit do that stuff until xw took it away from me. So I want to keep doing it, but with someone who treats me a heck of a lot nicer..  :P

Anyway.. it's been a long day. I can't handle not being on a routine. I try, but I don't really get any kind of energy until later and then I'm up until midnight and even though I get enough sleep, I never feel rested enough when I'm up for my meeting. I had a training today and I need to be in the office the rest of the week to take care of some classroom stuff. So I am going to try to go to bed early but I want to keep this short so I can get a move on, so two small updates!!

I just paid of my credit cards!!! Speaks for itself.. a huge accomplishment!!

And I stood up to xw!!  ;D She had been pestering me about having S order so stuff online and she'd pay for it with a amazon gift card she got from work. She kept asking if I or him had accounts and I said yes. The other day, she was mad though because he didn't have prime for the free shipping and she said "that's why I asked  ::)" and I said, no you only asked if we had accounts, not a prime account because you wanted free shipping. And then suddenly her mood got a lot happier and she said "what, are you not a mind reader? lol". I said not today, because my crystal ball was in the shop. lol facepalm

But anyway, as I'm not letting my own FOO baggage frame things in a certain way anymore, I've been noticing that S doesn't know how to communicate his needs. It's the same thing XW does and I don't know if it's genetics or something she passed onto him through her parenting, but he's a lot more passive than she is. XW just gets mad you don't know what she wants, like all the times we argued about the dishes and other things. To her, it was just something I was doing to her, because I never did them how she wanted and to me, I was just being shamed and blamed, like my mom always did.  So again, she was mad at me and I put it back on her. I gave her the information she asked for, not that she wanted. She didn't tell me what she wanted, not my fault.

Going back to dating, I ended up reading an article about how to deal with people that talk too much. it was mainly how to approach your friends and people you work with. I made another decision that wasn't info I needed for dating. On a first date, I have no investment in the person and I'm not going to "force" the conversation or date to go a certain way. I really believe that people will show you who they are pretty quickly and just to take them at face value and not even think that you can change them. I'm not going into a date fighting to be treated equally. I want it given up front willingly and not later, if it ever happens. I may date someone and down the road, they may find out I have an annoying habit (or they may) and that can be worked on or around. But I want to be treated the way I deserve, up front and now.

I think maybe some people in here said it and so did my mom, that some couples are just like that, with one kinda quiet person and other more talkative and that's ok, but I really want to be able to have a conversation with someone, that's important to me and it's another thing I liked about xw, was how much we talked. These ladies I've been out with just didn't care if I had anything to say or not.. So .. no more of them. They're not good enough for me and it's not something that happened "because of me" either, so I'm not going to waste time trying to change me or the situation.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 897
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#15: July 27, 2020, 11:36:12 PM
Hi gMan,

And no worries with late reply. Oftentimes I learn something of myself when looking situations of others and trying to give some support.

Re, "I think all of the self help stuff likes to make you feel inadequate because it sells."... I think it is more of a chicken Vs egg syndrome.  If you did not feel inadequate you would not look for self-help, and because you learn of alternative new approaches you will feel discomfort and inadequate.  Just like life it is a wheel where you can constantly grow and constantly feel inadequate as you keep spinning in challenges that are partially out of your control. Possibly the most important question is why do you feel inadequate? Because it is something you can control (not the kind of advice dating gurus would give, LOL).

If it's the fact you cannot find a good dating match.... If you are being you, being the lighthouse (best version of you)... Then IMHO it is not about you.... Sometimes it is just so hard to find persons who match who we are.  Those once in blue moon moments are gonna be rare, especially the more unique/special we are (and the better we know ourselves). For example even with broad net of non-smoker, non-drinker, physically attractive, and mentally okey you are likely eliminating over half the single woman/guys out there. And when you get to likes to detailed stuff (say likes to cosplay) you are at at very low odds. I remember a Edinburgh mathematician who actually turned his frustrated dating into formula, it was something like 16 suitable women (married included) in haystack  of city size of Edinburgh. So looking for good match is indeed searching a needle in haystack....The fact we found our partners. We were incredibly lucky once, nothing prevents a second chance but it is not gonna be easy because the pool is not just different but also significantly smaller.

The odds of you meeting someone special... I think 3/4 divorced people remarry on some point of life. The thing you really have no much control ( except dating a lot) is the timing. So have patience and have fun. This is gonna be a long journey.

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10499
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#16: July 28, 2020, 01:47:19 AM
Oh my, gman, look at you.....you are getting your mojo at speed now  :) :)
Yes, a thousand times yes to everything you wrote.
There is no need for you to be anything other than you. And being more you will help you find the kind of person who is nicely comfortable with being them and enjoying you  :) a chatty, laser quest, hiking type with a kind heart sounds just the ticket....and the open minded bit is that as you say they may come with some fun extras like cake making or skydiving instead of pick me dancing red flags!

I must admit I don't agree with Alvin. The stats might be right for all I know, but I'm not sure that is how life works. When you're really ready, nice humans tend to show up in surprising ways imho...and there are lots of nice imperfect humans out there just like there are here on HS  :).....and you are one of them  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#17: July 28, 2020, 10:05:43 AM
Alvin, I prefer to search on quoroa and read real people's experiences and advice. I find it to be a much more humanistic approach. The articles I read are pretty much in the "if you're not happy, it's because you ______" format. I do admit that I have felt inadequate and I have blamed myself plenty and that's part of the issue, but it's also you're not sitting in front of a therapist and it's not personalized advice either. My complaint though it they do tend to blame you and I've read questions written to therapists and the therapist almost always says "it's not you". So it's easy to get confused in all of the conflicting advice. So I've just decided to trust my gut here.

Quote
If it's the fact you cannot find a good dating match.... If you are being you, being the lighthouse (best version of you)... Then IMHO it is not about you.... Sometimes it is just so hard to find persons who match who we are.

I do agree with this. I've "complained" before that I don't fit into a box. I do think that makes it hard to find a good match or partner. At least because at this point, with all of the "types" you get on dating apps and maybe in real life, it's hard to find family orientated people. I want to have that in common with someone and values and goals. The rest is negotiable, so I am being pretty open minded, but the issue for me is my type is kind of in the minority and it's just harder to look for.

I'm not saying a never married runner type couldn't be a good match, I just don't think it's a high probability since that's another "type" and from my dating experiences so far, I don't find it too compatible with my own. But, I could find a woman with kids that's more of a match for me, who is also someone who runs, yes. I just think it's about priorities and values. One of the last people I went out with was a runner mom with kids, but she also fell into the alcoholic social type and I find that more often than not. No judgement, but it's not a good match for me.

So, in summary, I'm looking for values and priorities first in my type and everything else is to be considered after that, one way or the other.  I think where I live though and also considering I have an 18 year old, it's harder to find divorced women that are family orientated with kids. My son is too old for play groups and he just graduated, so no picking up moms at PTA meetings. I may have to look at churches and church groups and things. I don't know yet as I don't even know what's up anymore since the hold lockdown thing though and or how comfortable I'd be looking for groups and stuff right now anyway. But we'll never say never and leave it at that.

Treasur, thanks! I often get like this. I stumble and then I make up my mind and I move ahead full speed! As I was just saying to Alvin, I want to have values ad priorities in common and I'm open minded about the rest. That part is what can make life interesting. What makes me happy in life is my family and helping people and I want to be with someone that shares those feelings. I think that kind of stuff with last a lifetime.

I'm not big on trying to get it down to stats or anything either. You know, a few months right before I met xw, I had broken up with a girlfriend and I decided I was going to be single until I got the hang of it and then along came xw. Although we know how that ended up, I do think people just show up when they're supposed to.

I don't expect perfect at all  ;D i know they're out there and I think it's a combination of putting myself out there and also sort of tuning in my radar to be able to find them. And thank you!! You are one of them too!! Being here has taught me that good, kind people do exist. But I think it takes a lot of personal growth to be able to see them for who they are too. And to feel worthy of them as well.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3836
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#18: July 28, 2020, 07:47:36 PM
You know, gman, my experience is ore like Treasur's. When I'm not looking or over thinking "what I want", people just show up. Then I have to decide if this person fits my lack of box that has boundaries.  And it's the boundaries that are they key for me. Mr Flirty at work was a Godsend to me, because he was interesting and entertaining and taught me a lot. But  he was also taken, so for me no chance of any kind of romantic entanglement and I learned so  much about my own personal boundaries.  It was especially interesting when he'd do some kind of "raised in a barn" move and I had no idea how I should react. Totally clueless because I'd never had it happen to me in all my years.  I learned how to draw whatever line in the sand and once I did, he never crossed that line again.

So IMO, it's OK to know what you will and will not accept, know a generalized kind of person you like, but don't limit yourself or overthink any of it. Desperate searching is no good either. If it's a date, it's an adventure. If it's a party, it's an experience, if it's a chance meeting in a shop or on the street (or the allotment for some folks ), it's an opportunity.

Enjoy life and let it unfold. What a ride!
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#19: July 29, 2020, 06:42:36 PM
Quote
So IMO, it's OK to know what you will and will not accept, know a generalized kind of person you like, but don't limit yourself or overthink any of it. Desperate searching is no good either. If it's a date, it's an adventure. If it's a party, it's an experience, if it's a chance meeting in a shop or on the street (or the allotment for some folks ), it's an opportunity.

Well.. OR, I'm thinking like you too. Even though a lot of the dating I did triggered some deep anxiety and other issues, I learned a lot of new boundaries like you were saying. I know enough now, to know that if possible, I'd like to be part of a family again. But, if not and if then, I do want to be cared for, treated with respect, made to feel wanted and validated. Everything else i'm open to, in varying quantities and whatever package that may come in.
  • Logged

C
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 580
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#20: July 30, 2020, 05:17:59 PM
Gman,

Have you looked up secure attachment? Those are green flags. So maybe you could devise some questions for people you meet that you are interested in that will reveal their thinking and wether or not that person has a secure attachment style.

Everyone tries to make it out like dating is so impossible....I honestly think dating apps are probably the impossible thing. If I were in your shoes....I would probably write a list of what was important to me. Then chose the things on that list that you want to do with a partner and go to meetups (it’s a website) and start doing those things with a group. It raises the chances of you finding someone who likes and enjoys what you like and enjoy and wants to do that with other people.....you have already conquered 2 of the barriers to finding a good match with that one move.

Secondly....what other than your mind or belief about yourself is holding you back. You have no romantic attachments, you can go anywhere, try anything, date anyone be single, create your dream life. You are the main character in your story. And love.....isn’t a human beings greatest and only potential. You don’t need anyone else to be you. You don’t require someone else to love you in order for you to be lovable. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion to be valid or for your work, effort, and choices to be valid......did you chose or do that....then it is valid.

Anyways, I think you are doing awesome. Keep it up. Every time you write you sound more positive, more secure in yourself, more you!
❤️ Courage
  • Logged
Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#21: September 14, 2020, 06:38:39 AM
Hello all! I thought it was time for an update.. Going by Couraged's post date, I'm glad it wasn't as long as I thought it was since my last post.

Couraged, yes I do have a list of what's important to me. I think I always knew, but I have had time to sort of list it all out. I think maybe in the last 6 weeks I've really had time to think it through. I want what I had with xw, but better. I want to be part of a family.. I'm really just looking for a cute mom with a couple of kids, values and morals similar to mine and someone who can meet me half way or.. be consistent. Give take, compromise.. it's all part of the thing, I think, but I need consistency. I think that's what's been missing in everyone I've dated so far.

And the apps.. I have to give it the raspberry and a thumbs down. I do like the idea that upfront, you know everyone wants to date (or so they say..  ::), but I think on the whole, the app and anonymity thing removes accountability from people and all that other non verbal stuff you can't get in real life, that I think is equally important. My experience has shown me that it's just full of emotionally unavailable / unstable people and other assorted problems.

I will probably feel better about it, once COVID is over, but yeah, I could totally do meet ups and groups and stuff. I think that'd be a much better option and I may make some new friends too.


So.. the last 8 weeks has been non stop getting these classrooms ready for the start of the fall semester. I worked a lot of over time, was exhausted through most of it.. and then we've had crickets for the last two weeks since classes started. Reviews are done yearly here for everyone, which was back in June, so I didn't have much to go on it, but my boss is overwhelmingly happy with me. He gave me the Tuesday off after Labor day because he knows they owe me some comp time for the overtime I put in getting the classrooms ready for the start of the term.

I don't know if I mentioned how much happier I am here than at my last job. I've had several great compliments from my boss, he recognized the effort I was putting in and gave me the day off, I like my co workers.. it's just a totally different environment. Having the stress from the divorce, my last job and driving S just gone, I feel like an entirely different person.

My thinking has gone from feeling and thinking like a trapped animal and always internalizing everything to realizing it's not me and it has nothing to do with me.  That's really changed the way I look at things and I can see in the past where I failed.. I'm not sure what the right phrase is for this one, but where situations may have turned out better for me, if I had realized that people, the way they say things and so on, had nothing to do with me. I may have backed out of things that may have been good for me, or turned into something good, had I not assumed it had something to do with me, which triggered my bad self esteem and backed out.

I was talking to xw weeks ago and when she said goodbye, I remembered how cute I always thought it was and I guess I actually thought she was doing it that way on purpose for me. I realized nope, that's just the way she talks.. it had nothing to do with me and the way someone says goodbye has nothing to do with love or how well they treat you overall either.

So.. this may be a shock to you, or not lol. I'm kinda talking to the mom from airsoft, from the beginning of summer. Yes, the one I and everyone else thought was weird. She would text me and ask me airsoft advice for her son, she'd joke around about wanting to play and she'd ask me if I'd be there that weekend and so on.

About a month ago, she stopped texting me and I never saw or heard from her again until she texted me my last name, yes, just my last name, on a Saturday. So I got to airsoft a little late that day, because I was working late at work the night before and everyone at the sign in table is just buzzing with energy, telling me my "girlfriend" was there and she was anxiously looking for me.

She finally found me and I think she talked for about 40 mins, non stop. Her daughter has some sort of connective tissue disorder and she takes trips with her to California for some kind of therapy. I think then, she was having a lot of anxiety and she didn't want me to be put off by the fact that her daughter requires some specialized care.  Kids and baggage don't scare me; you all should know by now I'm a pretty hardcore family man. lol.

So of course I did what any man would do, when an attractive woman is standing in front of him.. I asked her out. She then told me she couldn't do that until she gets out of the relationship she's in right now. I still don't have all of the details, but apparently it had been giving her a lot of stress. She's currently in the process of getting settled back into her condo and her ex husband has been helping her get the kids to school, as her condo is on the other side of town and I guess where she lived with the guy is down in the city, closer to their school.

Anyway, I (we all) had her pegged for some kind of neurotic, uptown party girl. But.. it turns out she's really calm, we share a lot of the same energy, she's really smart, I get along with her son really well (she sent me a text thanking me for being really good with him) we're on the same page with parenting, we have a lot in common. I've now met her daughter and most of her friends, who have also brought their kids to the airsoft field. That easily puts her head and shoulders above anyone I've dated so far.

Although, we're not really dating right now; I'm sure we won't be until she's more unattached than she is right now and she's had time to settle and process. But what I like about her the most is she's consistent and I'm slowly remembering what It's like to develop a relationship slowly. And by not thinking everything is about me, I can actually she her for who she is more clearly and I can definitely see how in the past, I had misinterpreted things as either negative thoughts about me or lack of interest. It's called going slow.. and that's where I messed up with xw. I wanted all that validation now, because I never got it in my childhood and XW fed off that and gave it to me in spades. All that stuff about co dependency  and being with people whose problems mirror your own is 100% right.

I'm in no rush here.. and we'll see how it goes, that's all I'll say about that.

My big turning point was a few weeks ago though. I realized I enjoyed my job and it felt like the pressure was off and I could think more clearly and I decided to try online dating again. I met someone that fulfilled a lot of my requirements.. a cute mom, couple of kids, seems like a nice person.. But, she exhibited some flaky and passive aggressive behavior and I felt the familiar panic and insecurity arise and then I just stopped it. I said to myself, life is just too good for this and I don't want it.. and that was the end of it. Been 100% fine ever since.  ;D

Life is good ya'll... I'm just working on projects at work and doing training.. not many students on campus. A lot of teachers rebelled and are teaching online mostly. S is good (J expressed interesting meeting him), but he's got the same game / distraction addiction I used to have when I was his age and it's hard getting him motivated to do things. Getting him registered for college has been a pain too. He now has to take the college's placement test. He's supposed to get up on his own and take it online today, so we shall see how well that goes. I want him to do well, as it will reduce the number of prep classes he needs to take..

Now that work has slowed down, I've got more energy and I've been cooking again and just working on household projects. The weather has been weird here with all of the storms coming through.. a lot of rain, the air pressure has been up and down.. crazy. But other than that.. I'm good :) Life goes on, but I like it now.. much more :)

Hope you all are good.. !! I'm going to read through the forum and try and get caught up a little bit.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 08:43:03 AM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10499
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#22: September 14, 2020, 07:08:23 AM
Quote
I felt the familiar panic and insecurity arise and then I just stopped it. I said to myself, life is just too good for this and I don't want it.. and that was the end of it. Been 100% fine ever since.

And there you go, gman  :) you doing the real you  :)
You are sounding darn good, if you don't mind my saying so  :)
A few iffy flags with the airsoft lady - not least that she is sending out tendrils to you while actually in a relationship with someone else? Hmmm. And sounds like her life is not entirely a calm clear one? - so makes sense to not rush in to dating her or getting too involved with some of her baggage, right? You really don't want to be a crutch or a convenient escape branch i'd guess and now you are too wise to do it accidentally. If she's a healthy person going through a messy time, you'll see that bc she will behave with integrity and responsibility. If not, you've lost nothing worth having.  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#23: September 14, 2020, 08:00:26 AM
To be honest... it was me who walked over first and got her phone number.. I think she was also on a fence herself. I'm wasn't 100% sure if telling me about her daughter was a way of letting me down easy. When continued to talk and she was surprised I was her age, divorced ect. I've had a lot of women turn me down because they think I'm 30 something and into chasing older women. And yes, I've had to show someone my driver's license to prove my age once. But anyway.. we continued to talk and I could tell she was more interested and open after that point. I don't honestly know who or what to point the finger at.

Yes, iffy red flags.. being a branch is my number one.. That happened to me with xw, that won't be happening again. I've worked too hard to be where I'm at to give it up this time. Things worked out great for me after the D.. I need to protect myself and S.

The other thing is, I've always been fond of telling everyone, I'm a sniper, I watch everything.. which is true. But when it comes to love, I've always had this blind spot. I've really been asking myself why and it goes back to what I was just saying.. filling those childhood needs. I'm more than validated right now, on the backs of my own actions and I'll be seeing things are they are from here out and not as I want them to be. I have no desire to retread old territory..

The biggest plus though with J right now is there's no flirting. She's just her and I'm just me and I can tell she's holding back and watching. I would always run right past someone that would do that and into the arms of someone who wanted everything right now and that never worked out. So.. I'm holding back and watching too.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 08:36:31 AM by gman242 »

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#24: September 16, 2020, 04:12:30 PM
Hi Gman, just wondered if hurricane Sally is effecting you at all.
I hope not, I know it is hitting parts of western FL.

Stay safe.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#25: September 17, 2020, 05:21:42 AM
Hi Thunder! It passed us and went off to the west and up Louisiana. Not that it makes a lot of difference though, we've had non stop rain since the beginning of summer. That's not a bad thing entirely, as it hasn't rained like that in quite a while here. Although we may also get our chance soon, there's quite a few storms out there now!

I think my grandfather's garlic I planted is most likely dead.. I put it into a planter box and all the rain has just been too much for it. There's no where I could put it where it could dry out and still get sun. That may be more of a winter thing here..

Hope all is well with you!
 
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#26: September 17, 2020, 05:36:10 AM
Well I'm glad you were ok.

Sorry about all the rain and your grandfather's garlic plant, the weather is so weird all over.  In the west they desperately need rain.  Their in a bad drought.

Yes everything is good here, thank you!  :)

We had a very hot summer but it's beautiful now.  Fall is always nice.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#27: September 17, 2020, 07:16:50 AM
We don't really get a fall here..  :'( At the end of summer it's mostly just warm-ish and humid through the end of the year and then by January, it's cold through April. I really would like to start traveling away from the heat.

My parents are up at their house in Ny right now. Since my dad retired they've been staying up there through October. My mom says it's too cold up there right now to play golf. Must be nice!

I think it's funny here.. you break a sweat walking into the store from the parking lot in fall, because of the humidity and everything is DID YOU HEAR ABOUT OUR NEW PUMPKIN SPICE?!?! and everything is fake leaves.. I guess if only in our imaginations.. lol.

Yes, the weather is really weird.. apparently there's an increase in shark attacks right now too. The sun is changing cycles, maybe that has something to do with it?
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#28: September 17, 2020, 07:47:33 AM
That's funny Gman, my brother in AZ says people paint their rocks green to look like grass, or put down green indoor/outdoor carpeting.

I guess what ever works, huh?

I'm not a fan of winter but I do really like the 4 seasons.  Spring and Fall being my favorite, but even winter can be beautiful when new, sparkling snow has covered all the trees.
But driving in it, not so much. ::)

Interesting about the sun cycling.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#29: Today at 10:55:15 AM
When I lived in Ny, spring, summer and fall were my favorites.

I think spring actually had two parts where I lived. The first was extremely bright and clear and while it still felt cold, the snow was beginning to melt. And then after that, it was dark and would rain for the next two months. I loved all the rain actually. I remember sitting in the car at noon with my mom and it was as dark as the late evening and the rain just went on and on.. I just found it peaceful I guess and I really do miss it.

Summer up there was a lot of fun; it used to never get above 80 something. Especially up at my parent's house near Canada, it was the perfect weather to go swimming in the lake in and then by evening, it'd drop down to 60 which was perfect to warm up to a campfire by.

And fall.. is fall. You all know what that's like lol. I like it though because my birthday is in November and that's followed by thanksgiving and it's always been the start of the holiday season.

Not much going on around here. Work is slow and I'm enjoying it. I'm just focusing right now on getting to know me more, getting into a routine and just still getting stuff done around the house. My work bench legs come into day and I'll probably take S up to the home store to get wood cut for a top. Getting a good work bench is something I've been looking forward to for a long time.

I've been grappling with the idea about what to do for a car for S for a long time. I'm just so against bills and stuff lol..! Even though my car is high mileage, it has been well taken care of and I don't want to give it to S to use as a first car. It also gets great gas mileage and I'd like to keep it to drive up to work and back with during the week.

But.. I also want a truck or some kind of vehicle for on / off road use, which would come in really handy for how active we are. Airsoft, camping and so on. So I pitched it to S that if I bought a truck (something used I can pay off right away and fix up / customize), would he be ok with driving it, in town, during the week and if I needed it on the weekend, I would drive it and he could use my car. I guess he must be a bit like his old man because the idea of driving a truck really appealed to him! He didn't seem hung up on the idea that it wouldn't be "his" at all.. which I was really happy about. It seems like it would work out for all and I'm also not at the point where I want to afford a new truck payment for me and the gas going to work and back. I guess I'm too practical! Paying more money for gas just to be able to use the truck for what it was meant for, just on the weekends?! I can't afford to buy S his own vehicle right now either.. well I could, if I gave up the idea of having a truck to use, but he seemed up for the deal.

I guess typing it all out and re reading it, it makes me feel kind of selfish. But I also didn't know he wanted a truck and it'd be his, until I needed it. I guess, I'm thinking of me and my dad.. there was such a division between us and unless I liked what he liked, I got nothing.. I got my first truck when I was 18 and I just started college. As I've said, my parents are wealthy people.. and no, I wasn't given everything. It was the opposite.. I often had to do yard work for people, collect cans over the summers off to have any pocket money when I was a kid. And don't even think "well that taught you character". Did it, when my sister got everything she wanted.. guilt free? No it made me angry and resentful when my parents should have loved us both equally.

Anyway, my dad at times would want to borrow my truck for moving something or taking something somewhere and it drove me nuts because he never gave me any warning and any protests I made were met with "well yeah, I paid for it" and stuff like that only deepened the divide between me and my father and I guess I'm afraid of becoming like that with my S. Although, I know that won't ever happen. We're too much alike and also too good of friends for that to happen. I think S feels like we live in the house together and we share it. Rather than me and how I felt I was living on borrowed time in the museum my parents called a home.

Anyway.. I got a bit um.. nasty with xw a week or so ago. Out of no where, she starts texting me about all this stuff she's learning in her gender studies class for some social worker degree she wants now. It was about what I was just talking about.. how my parents favored my sister because she was into sports, social and materialistic like my parents, so she got all of the affection.

Previous to that, I started a group text with my parents and sister to tell them all about how happy I am at my new job and that I had gotten some nice compliments, which were the first ones I had gotten at work in over ten years. My mom responded that I deserved all the credit, since the I had done all the work myself, after they kicked me out of the house. It really just reopened a raw wound with me, hearing that. It was kind of like she was taking backhanded credit for kicking me out, which was one of the worst things that happened to me.

I didn't confront her about it as I felt it wouldn't do any good and I just buried how I felt about it. So I told xw what my mom had said, which brought up the feelings again and then I angrily typed out that xw leaving me for "macho" OM, who obviously has more money that me didn't do anything to help my self esteem either. (the gist of what xw was trying to tell me what is she understands through her class why my parents never considered me a "real" man). 

I gave it a few minutes and apologized, saying my mom had really hurt me; although it was true what I said though. Xw had no comment and the texting continued kind of meekly. I don't care if I upset her or whatever.. I'm tried of keeping feelings in because I'm worried about how people will feel or react. That's not an excuse to be mean.. but you get my point. XW is gone.. it's not like I'm ruining chances of her coming back, not that I want her back at this point anyway.

That choice was made anyway, but I've decided I don't. At least that's something and I can move on. All of our problems started with me not realizing xw never had any intent of growing or maturing as a human being. Her current behavior shows me nothing has changed.. same show, different channel. But for me, i'm done.. out. I'm not going to live a life repeating past mistakes.

And if you're wondering, that's the first time xw has contacted me like that in a long time. Why? I don't know.. guilt .. missing me. whatever, I don't care.

Anyway.. It was a little late, since I got hired back in April, but with the crazy summer, I never got around to filling out my life insurance beneficiary form here at work. I made my sister the primary and S the secondary. I talked to her about it and she's fine with it. Xw has no control now, I own the house and S is 18, but still.. he's not an adult and if something should happen to me (god forbid) I'd rather she have purview over my estate and S's wishes. I don't need xw stepping in her whatever. I'm just trying to be proactive, being a single parent.. putting all the important papers in one spot, setting up emergency contacts on my phone, stuff like that.
 
  • Logged

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5514
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#30: Today at 01:55:29 PM
Hi G-Man! You sound amazing right now.  And yes, you are eons ahead of xw in terms of growth. I mean, texting you out of the blue about her gender studies class? Nope, she fired you as her H last I checked.  Go talk about this stuff with OM. I swear they can sniff out when we are truly done with them!

I love the idea of sharing the truck with your S. And for you to even think about it being the way it was with your father, then you will for sure not repeat that history.  That you are cognizant of it shows an emotional maturity and empathy that would never allow you to use your son or to ever throw it in his face. Sounds like he really likes the idea too.....so, winning!

I'm with you on the weather--we don't really have "seasons" here either. Mostly hot or cold.  And maybe 2 weeks of a spring and fall, if that.

Anyway, keep doing what you are doing. Sounding great!
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.