Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story It's My Life 1

C
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 580
  • Gender: Female
My Story It's My Life 1
#20: July 30, 2020, 05:17:59 PM
Gman,

Have you looked up secure attachment? Those are green flags. So maybe you could devise some questions for people you meet that you are interested in that will reveal their thinking and wether or not that person has a secure attachment style.

Everyone tries to make it out like dating is so impossible....I honestly think dating apps are probably the impossible thing. If I were in your shoes....I would probably write a list of what was important to me. Then chose the things on that list that you want to do with a partner and go to meetups (it’s a website) and start doing those things with a group. It raises the chances of you finding someone who likes and enjoys what you like and enjoy and wants to do that with other people.....you have already conquered 2 of the barriers to finding a good match with that one move.

Secondly....what other than your mind or belief about yourself is holding you back. You have no romantic attachments, you can go anywhere, try anything, date anyone be single, create your dream life. You are the main character in your story. And love.....isn’t a human beings greatest and only potential. You don’t need anyone else to be you. You don’t require someone else to love you in order for you to be lovable. You don’t need anyone else’s opinion to be valid or for your work, effort, and choices to be valid......did you chose or do that....then it is valid.

Anyways, I think you are doing awesome. Keep it up. Every time you write you sound more positive, more secure in yourself, more you!
❤️ Courage
  • Logged
Me 37
H 37
S15
Wallower/Chaos kid
EA discovered 3/31/2019
BD March 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#21: September 14, 2020, 06:38:39 AM
Hello all! I thought it was time for an update.. Going by Couraged's post date, I'm glad it wasn't as long as I thought it was since my last post.

Couraged, yes I do have a list of what's important to me. I think I always knew, but I have had time to sort of list it all out. I think maybe in the last 6 weeks I've really had time to think it through. I want what I had with xw, but better. I want to be part of a family.. I'm really just looking for a cute mom with a couple of kids, values and morals similar to mine and someone who can meet me half way or.. be consistent. Give take, compromise.. it's all part of the thing, I think, but I need consistency. I think that's what's been missing in everyone I've dated so far.

And the apps.. I have to give it the raspberry and a thumbs down. I do like the idea that upfront, you know everyone wants to date (or so they say..  ::), but I think on the whole, the app and anonymity thing removes accountability from people and all that other non verbal stuff you can't get in real life, that I think is equally important. My experience has shown me that it's just full of emotionally unavailable / unstable people and other assorted problems.

I will probably feel better about it, once COVID is over, but yeah, I could totally do meet ups and groups and stuff. I think that'd be a much better option and I may make some new friends too.


So.. the last 8 weeks has been non stop getting these classrooms ready for the start of the fall semester. I worked a lot of over time, was exhausted through most of it.. and then we've had crickets for the last two weeks since classes started. Reviews are done yearly here for everyone, which was back in June, so I didn't have much to go on it, but my boss is overwhelmingly happy with me. He gave me the Tuesday off after Labor day because he knows they owe me some comp time for the overtime I put in getting the classrooms ready for the start of the term.

I don't know if I mentioned how much happier I am here than at my last job. I've had several great compliments from my boss, he recognized the effort I was putting in and gave me the day off, I like my co workers.. it's just a totally different environment. Having the stress from the divorce, my last job and driving S just gone, I feel like an entirely different person.

My thinking has gone from feeling and thinking like a trapped animal and always internalizing everything to realizing it's not me and it has nothing to do with me.  That's really changed the way I look at things and I can see in the past where I failed.. I'm not sure what the right phrase is for this one, but where situations may have turned out better for me, if I had realized that people, the way they say things and so on, had nothing to do with me. I may have backed out of things that may have been good for me, or turned into something good, had I not assumed it had something to do with me, which triggered my bad self esteem and backed out.

I was talking to xw weeks ago and when she said goodbye, I remembered how cute I always thought it was and I guess I actually thought she was doing it that way on purpose for me. I realized nope, that's just the way she talks.. it had nothing to do with me and the way someone says goodbye has nothing to do with love or how well they treat you overall either.

So.. this may be a shock to you, or not lol. I'm kinda talking to the mom from airsoft, from the beginning of summer. Yes, the one I and everyone else thought was weird. She would text me and ask me airsoft advice for her son, she'd joke around about wanting to play and she'd ask me if I'd be there that weekend and so on.

About a month ago, she stopped texting me and I never saw or heard from her again until she texted me my last name, yes, just my last name, on a Saturday. So I got to airsoft a little late that day, because I was working late at work the night before and everyone at the sign in table is just buzzing with energy, telling me my "girlfriend" was there and she was anxiously looking for me.

She finally found me and I think she talked for about 40 mins, non stop. Her daughter has some sort of connective tissue disorder and she takes trips with her to California for some kind of therapy. I think then, she was having a lot of anxiety and she didn't want me to be put off by the fact that her daughter requires some specialized care.  Kids and baggage don't scare me; you all should know by now I'm a pretty hardcore family man. lol.

So of course I did what any man would do, when an attractive woman is standing in front of him.. I asked her out. She then told me she couldn't do that until she gets out of the relationship she's in right now. I still don't have all of the details, but apparently it had been giving her a lot of stress. She's currently in the process of getting settled back into her condo and her ex husband has been helping her get the kids to school, as her condo is on the other side of town and I guess where she lived with the guy is down in the city, closer to their school.

Anyway, I (we all) had her pegged for some kind of neurotic, uptown party girl. But.. it turns out she's really calm, we share a lot of the same energy, she's really smart, I get along with her son really well (she sent me a text thanking me for being really good with him) we're on the same page with parenting, we have a lot in common. I've now met her daughter and most of her friends, who have also brought their kids to the airsoft field. That easily puts her head and shoulders above anyone I've dated so far.

Although, we're not really dating right now; I'm sure we won't be until she's more unattached than she is right now and she's had time to settle and process. But what I like about her the most is she's consistent and I'm slowly remembering what It's like to develop a relationship slowly. And by not thinking everything is about me, I can actually she her for who she is more clearly and I can definitely see how in the past, I had misinterpreted things as either negative thoughts about me or lack of interest. It's called going slow.. and that's where I messed up with xw. I wanted all that validation now, because I never got it in my childhood and XW fed off that and gave it to me in spades. All that stuff about co dependency  and being with people whose problems mirror your own is 100% right.

I'm in no rush here.. and we'll see how it goes, that's all I'll say about that.

My big turning point was a few weeks ago though. I realized I enjoyed my job and it felt like the pressure was off and I could think more clearly and I decided to try online dating again. I met someone that fulfilled a lot of my requirements.. a cute mom, couple of kids, seems like a nice person.. But, she exhibited some flaky and passive aggressive behavior and I felt the familiar panic and insecurity arise and then I just stopped it. I said to myself, life is just too good for this and I don't want it.. and that was the end of it. Been 100% fine ever since.  ;D

Life is good ya'll... I'm just working on projects at work and doing training.. not many students on campus. A lot of teachers rebelled and are teaching online mostly. S is good (J expressed interesting meeting him), but he's got the same game / distraction addiction I used to have when I was his age and it's hard getting him motivated to do things. Getting him registered for college has been a pain too. He now has to take the college's placement test. He's supposed to get up on his own and take it online today, so we shall see how well that goes. I want him to do well, as it will reduce the number of prep classes he needs to take..

Now that work has slowed down, I've got more energy and I've been cooking again and just working on household projects. The weather has been weird here with all of the storms coming through.. a lot of rain, the air pressure has been up and down.. crazy. But other than that.. I'm good :) Life goes on, but I like it now.. much more :)

Hope you all are good.. !! I'm going to read through the forum and try and get caught up a little bit.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 08:43:03 AM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10499
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#22: September 14, 2020, 07:08:23 AM
Quote
I felt the familiar panic and insecurity arise and then I just stopped it. I said to myself, life is just too good for this and I don't want it.. and that was the end of it. Been 100% fine ever since.

And there you go, gman  :) you doing the real you  :)
You are sounding darn good, if you don't mind my saying so  :)
A few iffy flags with the airsoft lady - not least that she is sending out tendrils to you while actually in a relationship with someone else? Hmmm. And sounds like her life is not entirely a calm clear one? - so makes sense to not rush in to dating her or getting too involved with some of her baggage, right? You really don't want to be a crutch or a convenient escape branch i'd guess and now you are too wise to do it accidentally. If she's a healthy person going through a messy time, you'll see that bc she will behave with integrity and responsibility. If not, you've lost nothing worth having.  :)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#23: September 14, 2020, 08:00:26 AM
To be honest... it was me who walked over first and got her phone number.. I think she was also on a fence herself. I'm wasn't 100% sure if telling me about her daughter was a way of letting me down easy. When continued to talk and she was surprised I was her age, divorced ect. I've had a lot of women turn me down because they think I'm 30 something and into chasing older women. And yes, I've had to show someone my driver's license to prove my age once. But anyway.. we continued to talk and I could tell she was more interested and open after that point. I don't honestly know who or what to point the finger at.

Yes, iffy red flags.. being a branch is my number one.. That happened to me with xw, that won't be happening again. I've worked too hard to be where I'm at to give it up this time. Things worked out great for me after the D.. I need to protect myself and S.

The other thing is, I've always been fond of telling everyone, I'm a sniper, I watch everything.. which is true. But when it comes to love, I've always had this blind spot. I've really been asking myself why and it goes back to what I was just saying.. filling those childhood needs. I'm more than validated right now, on the backs of my own actions and I'll be seeing things are they are from here out and not as I want them to be. I have no desire to retread old territory..

The biggest plus though with J right now is there's no flirting. She's just her and I'm just me and I can tell she's holding back and watching. I would always run right past someone that would do that and into the arms of someone who wanted everything right now and that never worked out. So.. I'm holding back and watching too.

  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 08:36:31 AM by gman242 »

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#24: September 16, 2020, 04:12:30 PM
Hi Gman, just wondered if hurricane Sally is effecting you at all.
I hope not, I know it is hitting parts of western FL.

Stay safe.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#25: September 17, 2020, 05:21:42 AM
Hi Thunder! It passed us and went off to the west and up Louisiana. Not that it makes a lot of difference though, we've had non stop rain since the beginning of summer. That's not a bad thing entirely, as it hasn't rained like that in quite a while here. Although we may also get our chance soon, there's quite a few storms out there now!

I think my grandfather's garlic I planted is most likely dead.. I put it into a planter box and all the rain has just been too much for it. There's no where I could put it where it could dry out and still get sun. That may be more of a winter thing here..

Hope all is well with you!
 
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#26: September 17, 2020, 05:36:10 AM
Well I'm glad you were ok.

Sorry about all the rain and your grandfather's garlic plant, the weather is so weird all over.  In the west they desperately need rain.  Their in a bad drought.

Yes everything is good here, thank you!  :)

We had a very hot summer but it's beautiful now.  Fall is always nice.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#27: September 17, 2020, 07:16:50 AM
We don't really get a fall here..  :'( At the end of summer it's mostly just warm-ish and humid through the end of the year and then by January, it's cold through April. I really would like to start traveling away from the heat.

My parents are up at their house in Ny right now. Since my dad retired they've been staying up there through October. My mom says it's too cold up there right now to play golf. Must be nice!

I think it's funny here.. you break a sweat walking into the store from the parking lot in fall, because of the humidity and everything is DID YOU HEAR ABOUT OUR NEW PUMPKIN SPICE?!?! and everything is fake leaves.. I guess if only in our imaginations.. lol.

Yes, the weather is really weird.. apparently there's an increase in shark attacks right now too. The sun is changing cycles, maybe that has something to do with it?
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23233
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's My Life 1
#28: September 17, 2020, 07:47:33 AM
That's funny Gman, my brother in AZ says people paint their rocks green to look like grass, or put down green indoor/outdoor carpeting.

I guess what ever works, huh?

I'm not a fan of winter but I do really like the 4 seasons.  Spring and Fall being my favorite, but even winter can be beautiful when new, sparkling snow has covered all the trees.
But driving in it, not so much. ::)

Interesting about the sun cycling.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#29: Today at 10:55:15 AM
When I lived in Ny, spring, summer and fall were my favorites.

I think spring actually had two parts where I lived. The first was extremely bright and clear and while it still felt cold, the snow was beginning to melt. And then after that, it was dark and would rain for the next two months. I loved all the rain actually. I remember sitting in the car at noon with my mom and it was as dark as the late evening and the rain just went on and on.. I just found it peaceful I guess and I really do miss it.

Summer up there was a lot of fun; it used to never get above 80 something. Especially up at my parent's house near Canada, it was the perfect weather to go swimming in the lake in and then by evening, it'd drop down to 60 which was perfect to warm up to a campfire by.

And fall.. is fall. You all know what that's like lol. I like it though because my birthday is in November and that's followed by thanksgiving and it's always been the start of the holiday season.

Not much going on around here. Work is slow and I'm enjoying it. I'm just focusing right now on getting to know me more, getting into a routine and just still getting stuff done around the house. My work bench legs come into day and I'll probably take S up to the home store to get wood cut for a top. Getting a good work bench is something I've been looking forward to for a long time.

I've been grappling with the idea about what to do for a car for S for a long time. I'm just so against bills and stuff lol..! Even though my car is high mileage, it has been well taken care of and I don't want to give it to S to use as a first car. It also gets great gas mileage and I'd like to keep it to drive up to work and back with during the week.

But.. I also want a truck or some kind of vehicle for on / off road use, which would come in really handy for how active we are. Airsoft, camping and so on. So I pitched it to S that if I bought a truck (something used I can pay off right away and fix up / customize), would he be ok with driving it, in town, during the week and if I needed it on the weekend, I would drive it and he could use my car. I guess he must be a bit like his old man because the idea of driving a truck really appealed to him! He didn't seem hung up on the idea that it wouldn't be "his" at all.. which I was really happy about. It seems like it would work out for all and I'm also not at the point where I want to afford a new truck payment for me and the gas going to work and back. I guess I'm too practical! Paying more money for gas just to be able to use the truck for what it was meant for, just on the weekends?! I can't afford to buy S his own vehicle right now either.. well I could, if I gave up the idea of having a truck to use, but he seemed up for the deal.

I guess typing it all out and re reading it, it makes me feel kind of selfish. But I also didn't know he wanted a truck and it'd be his, until I needed it. I guess, I'm thinking of me and my dad.. there was such a division between us and unless I liked what he liked, I got nothing.. I got my first truck when I was 18 and I just started college. As I've said, my parents are wealthy people.. and no, I wasn't given everything. It was the opposite.. I often had to do yard work for people, collect cans over the summers off to have any pocket money when I was a kid. And don't even think "well that taught you character". Did it, when my sister got everything she wanted.. guilt free? No it made me angry and resentful when my parents should have loved us both equally.

Anyway, my dad at times would want to borrow my truck for moving something or taking something somewhere and it drove me nuts because he never gave me any warning and any protests I made were met with "well yeah, I paid for it" and stuff like that only deepened the divide between me and my father and I guess I'm afraid of becoming like that with my S. Although, I know that won't ever happen. We're too much alike and also too good of friends for that to happen. I think S feels like we live in the house together and we share it. Rather than me and how I felt I was living on borrowed time in the museum my parents called a home.

Anyway.. I got a bit um.. nasty with xw a week or so ago. Out of no where, she starts texting me about all this stuff she's learning in her gender studies class for some social worker degree she wants now. It was about what I was just talking about.. how my parents favored my sister because she was into sports, social and materialistic like my parents, so she got all of the affection.

Previous to that, I started a group text with my parents and sister to tell them all about how happy I am at my new job and that I had gotten some nice compliments, which were the first ones I had gotten at work in over ten years. My mom responded that I deserved all the credit, since the I had done all the work myself, after they kicked me out of the house. It really just reopened a raw wound with me, hearing that. It was kind of like she was taking backhanded credit for kicking me out, which was one of the worst things that happened to me.

I didn't confront her about it as I felt it wouldn't do any good and I just buried how I felt about it. So I told xw what my mom had said, which brought up the feelings again and then I angrily typed out that xw leaving me for "macho" OM, who obviously has more money that me didn't do anything to help my self esteem either. (the gist of what xw was trying to tell me what is she understands through her class why my parents never considered me a "real" man). 

I gave it a few minutes and apologized, saying my mom had really hurt me; although it was true what I said though. Xw had no comment and the texting continued kind of meekly. I don't care if I upset her or whatever.. I'm tried of keeping feelings in because I'm worried about how people will feel or react. That's not an excuse to be mean.. but you get my point. XW is gone.. it's not like I'm ruining chances of her coming back, not that I want her back at this point anyway.

That choice was made anyway, but I've decided I don't. At least that's something and I can move on. All of our problems started with me not realizing xw never had any intent of growing or maturing as a human being. Her current behavior shows me nothing has changed.. same show, different channel. But for me, i'm done.. out. I'm not going to live a life repeating past mistakes.

And if you're wondering, that's the first time xw has contacted me like that in a long time. Why? I don't know.. guilt .. missing me. whatever, I don't care.

Anyway.. It was a little late, since I got hired back in April, but with the crazy summer, I never got around to filling out my life insurance beneficiary form here at work. I made my sister the primary and S the secondary. I talked to her about it and she's fine with it. Xw has no control now, I own the house and S is 18, but still.. he's not an adult and if something should happen to me (god forbid) I'd rather she have purview over my estate and S's wishes. I don't need xw stepping in her whatever. I'm just trying to be proactive, being a single parent.. putting all the important papers in one spot, setting up emergency contacts on my phone, stuff like that.
 
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.