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Author Topic: My Story It's My Life 1

K
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My Story It's My Life 1
#30: September 21, 2020, 01:55:29 PM
Hi G-Man! You sound amazing right now.  And yes, you are eons ahead of xw in terms of growth. I mean, texting you out of the blue about her gender studies class? Nope, she fired you as her H last I checked.  Go talk about this stuff with OM. I swear they can sniff out when we are truly done with them!

I love the idea of sharing the truck with your S. And for you to even think about it being the way it was with your father, then you will for sure not repeat that history.  That you are cognizant of it shows an emotional maturity and empathy that would never allow you to use your son or to ever throw it in his face. Sounds like he really likes the idea too.....so, winning!

I'm with you on the weather--we don't really have "seasons" here either. Mostly hot or cold.  And maybe 2 weeks of a spring and fall, if that.

Anyway, keep doing what you are doing. Sounding great!
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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It's My Life 1
#31: October 06, 2020, 06:08:56 AM
Hi KIT! I think that's maybe what xw's flirty stroll down memory lane was in the driveway a few months ago.  She maybe was trying to feel me out, since I haven't been texting her anymore and I'm not really interested in what's going on with her. Trying to see how far I was drifting away.. Drifting?  :o If you could somehow merge the speed boat in the miami vice opening with one of those pontoon party boat cruises where it's all tacky Hawaiian shirts and fruity drinks.. that'd be how I'm moving away from her.

Hindsight is definitely a teacher. I still liked what I saw in her and now I also see how my projection created the other 99% of her in my head. I guess this kind of ties in nicely to what I wanted to say today. So, as you know, life is good.. I like my job, my commute is only 20 mins now... so little stress. Anyway, all of the airsoft people have their own brands, nicknames, or handles if you want to call it that. I've been struggling to come up with my own that really felt like me. Yep.. it's because of that lack of self, self identity, self confidence thing. Now in the new me phase, I found one that works, describes me and is me.

I had a little time last night and I fired up my laptop to start in on some artwork to design a personal logo (every one has one and they make patches out of them and sell / give them to friends ect). So I'm browsing folders of pictures and digital art I've saved over the years for inspiration and I happened upon a folder of pictures of women that I used to know or found online (no, nothing like that ::)). I used to be on a lot of creative and photo sharing websites before instagram became the default thing. Back then, it was more creative, personal and somewhat private. I really liked it because I've always been into that creative, edgy, somewhat retro / alternative kind of thing.

Anyway, back to my point, I use to think these women were really cool and yes, even hot. What I realize now, is what I was envious of was, is their narcissism. All of these girls lived in crappy apartments, or at home with parents and the home was a trailer.. but they all acted liked like I wear this, I do my hair like that.. I'm cool, I'm entitled and I use people, I don't get involved emotionally.

I couldn't be like that and I was jealous; that's why I thought they were cool. I thought they had something I didn't have. Now? They look like a bunch of stuck up, spoiled, pretentious, immature people who can't take care of themselves and need someone else to do it. Naturally, I gagged thinking about why I used to think they were so cool and I deleted the folder.

And you know what? I think about xw the same way now and yes, even her too needs someone to take care of her; she's got OM and his money now.

So when they say you project onto people and you look for what you don't have to fulfill yourself in relationships, that's it.! I get it now. I just do not know what else to say other than last night, it dawned on me totally crystal clear. So there you go... lol. And no, I'm not an emotionally unavailable person like they are now.. I'm very, very close to being centered within myself and being able to provide myself with the love, care and stability I need to be able to choose and decide when to give, take and walk away even. 

So aside from that, everything is good. Great even. Life is just going along.. I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, since I worked about 8 weeks with overtime and then came in on the first day of classes and all we did was sit around the office, and still have been. The teachers revolted and decided they were going to teach online, so the campus is mostly empty. There were still projects budgeted for this fall, despite covid, so there's still work to do, but it's a snails pace now, since no one is here to also break out equipment.

But anyway, I had to have my Dr call in a sleep aid as I was only sleeping 3-4 nights a week. I should have done that earlier, but time makes the memory foggy; this is the same way I used to get back in the military. You're just stuck in fight or flight until you get pulled off the front line or patrol or whatever and then your body can't adjust. It's like hitting a brick wall and it hit my PTSD a bit too. There were a few angry episodes I had.. but nothing severe. I kept it under control.

Other than that, life is good. J & I lost touch for a few weeks and I caught up with her at airsoft. I had sent her several texts and she never replied and she told me she was waiting to hear from me. I know, I know what you may be thinking, but J is.. special. lol. She's insanely smart, but she's got ADHD (with the H, which I don't) and with the added stress of being in the middle of trying to move out from her current situation, it's a lot. She's one of those people that keep breaking phones, losing things ect.

Anyway, she showed up at the end of the day to pick up her son and we talked and she told me just to call her instead. It was obvious she really missed me and felt jilted I hadn't reached out to her. I suppose I could have called.. Years ago I would have, but today? With the ghosting and everyone is lying and so on I just figured  ::) But we got it worked out and she was super excited to meet S and she talked to him for about 30 mins. I called her Monday and Tuesday and I think we talked about 3-4 hours in all. We tried to catch up on Wednesday and then lost touch after that. I'll talk to her soon no doubt, but I also think I need to get her son's number and reach out to her that way as well. We get on pretty well and he's super into airsoft and we're always talking about stuff too..

J though hits me with a bunch of stuff she wants help with and it's hard to get in touch with her at times to follow up with her. A lot of that is about airsoft and stuff her son wants and there's a huge game next year he wants to go to and we're in the middle of trying to work out details for going. So.. I figure I can have him tug on her ear too, since he's the one that wants to go.

We did talk about ADD meds, treatments and so on. She also needs help organizing and well, I'm a natural. I have the gene from my mom, but it's also something I've relied upon to help me through my life, when I had no idea it was the ADD that was holding me back. She's a bit behind me aways with that kind of stuff, but we're at the same point. She was the care giver too and never learned how to take care of herself. I'm kind of helping her with that, just sharing experiences and giving advice on what did and didn't work for me.

This is also something else I've learned.. I'm letting her be her and taking her as she is. I've never done that before. I realized last night while thinking about it, that I never had anything as a child. My sister got what she wanted because she liked the same things my parents did. Sports like my dad, women stuff and clothes like my mom.. They treated me like he doesn't like what we like, so who cares..

So once I got older and started to get my own money, I went nuts spending and buying things I never had. I also did that in my 30's to hide out from my emotionally unavaible wife. I bought all kids of toys, games and stuff I never had as a kid, back in my MLT. But anyway, I always treated relationships like that.. I wanted them and the person I was with to be a certain way. Now? I see what J offers me and I also see how it compliments what I have. We also have a lot in common and have this cool vibe going, but I'm looking at it with a different set of eyes now.

Any who, I guess I had the time wrong on this training I have to do for work.. so it just started and I have to jump in now.
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It's My Life 1
#32: October 06, 2020, 06:41:22 AM
Quote
If you could somehow merge the speed boat in the miami vice opening with one of those pontoon party boat cruises where it's all tacky Hawaiian shirts and fruity drinks.. that'd be how I'm moving away from her.

You, gman, are a VERY funny guy.  :)
Laughed out loud at this....is it bad that I heard the Miami Vice theme tune in my head too lol?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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It's My Life 1
#33: October 06, 2020, 11:07:43 AM
Hello,

I am so glad that you are finding the inner peace you seek. When you are centered, you can find and build upon what you want. It is no longer about filling a void but enhancing what is already there.

I remember my wife, then she was my girlfriend telling me, "I don't need you to save me. I survived before you and I can survive after." This is in sharp contrast to my ex that always told me how "I was the one that saved her". Of course this was until OM "saved her".

It brings a different perspective when you are with someone who chooses to be with you as opposed to being with someone who feels they have no choice but to be with you.

Keep being strong and so glad you are in your zone so to speak,

((((Ready))))

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