Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story It's My Life 1

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2173
  • Gender: Male
My Story It's My Life 1
OP: July 13, 2020, 02:54:26 PM
All my other threads were titled wife's mlc. Well, she's my ex wife now, I think she's in a life long MLC and will likely never recover. So, make you sure you update your bookmarks to the new thread title and for those of you in the central time zone, please remember my thread starts one hour earlier for you guys.

Old thread is here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11288.0

And the inspiration for this thread's title comes from the old 80's tune, it's my life, by talk talk.. and old favorite of mine and it accurately reflects what I should be focusing on now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFH5JgyZK1I

At the end of my last thread I was doing some introspection and talking about the good things that have happened as of late. If you want to catch up, feel free to jump to the last couple pages of the thread.

One of the things I forgot to mention, for you coffee lovers out there, I tried folger's 1890 or whatever year, pioneer blend and I thought it was pretty good. I tried the noir and I had some kind of reaction to it, which is why I tend to stay away from brands like that and maxwell house and so on.. I think they're pretty much full of chemicals. But it was surprisingly flavorful and easy to drink.

I think I've hit a air soft stopping point for a while and I want to focus on getting together a music setup. It'll have to be in my bedroom as I don't have room for it, but all I really need is a little floor space for a keyboard stand. I've just been using the keyboard on my laptop (yes the qwerty keys) to plunk out notes and it's been years since I've had actual keys to play on, so that will be a doable, small purchase that would make a huge difference in my life.

It's not even me making more money, but I'm looking at stuff like, 5  lawn sprinklers are 20$. They make the grass greener, I'm happier with house.. huge pay off. Piano keyboard? less than 200$. Artistic, creative expression? Again, huge pay off..

It's just weird when you're unhappy how things don't even look worth it, when they only require a minimum of effort.

So I looked around for some highly sensitive personality stuff and I found a list of therapists that do online sessions that specialize in it. I do need to grow in more confidence with myself, but I also want to learn about dating. I've come to a stand still and I guess it's tie to call in some out side help. Everything I read online is a top ten list.. it's all status quo, you know you're a .. if you.. kind of stuff, nothing helpful.

I honestly stopped dating because nothing was changing in my experiences. I may have blown through the red flags on some, but they all had them and I wasn't getting anywhere. I'm not trying to rehash, I swear,, but I'm just trying to frame my feelings in words. I did just read something online from an author who said that most women want to be friends with an HSP male, but would rather marry and date a non-HSP male and it really rang true for me.

I think that the one thing all of the women who wanted to date me had in common, was that they say me as a sort of free hug vending machine and little else. I know I'm a fun, diverse, intelligent, funny, fun to be around kind of guy.. I have equally have gone mud bogging with my red neck friends and also lived a bit of the high life with my rich, quasi socialite parents. I'm definitely not your average bear.

What I think I don't do, is to broadcast or sell myself and I think that's what sets me apart. I think women want guys who appear fun, even if they aren't nice people and I think I'm the opposite. I think I'm someone who looks nice and boring on the outside, but once you get to know me, I'm actually anything but. I also think women like guys who fit into boxes.. sports guy, anime guy.. none of that is me either.

I know, ye women of the forum will doth protest and ye have me thanks and gratitude. I suppose again, part of that is just finding the right group of people to hang out with.  But I have too much negative self esteem tied up in being the nice guy, because it reinforces the negative beliefs I have about myself.

So I've just kinda put a stop to everything until I can get some help and I can work on the problem. Somewhere at some point I called the whole work from home thing, not a blessing, because we don't need this plague, but it is a silver lining as it's given me time to pause and really think about things.

I don't want to react anymore and knee jerk myself into anxiety. I want to approach things pragmatically from now on, so I can help myself, learn to love myself and be better and happier over all.

Ok, in my head now I'm thinking of you like a meerkat lol....
And those are very cute animals indeed  :)

They had some at the Washington DC zoo when I went up there many years ago on a trip with school. Yeah, they were really cool. I think all of my cats think of me as a big cat anyway :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pq3c3FWwO6w
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 03:01:30 PM by gman242 »

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2173
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#1: July 13, 2020, 07:06:13 PM
I just had some shower thoughts..

1. I think what the nice guy thing is, is because of the lady at work a few years ago. It sounded like her husband had an MLC and I wanted advice and the name of a lawyer and she took my request the wrong way and knocked me down and rolled right over me. At one point she said "I just want a nice guy, I don't care who he is or what he looks like". I think in one glimpse of lucidity, xw recognized her mistake with om and said "I think I just need someone to be there all the time".

It hasn't been all of the women I went out with, but more than a few hit me with the nice guy thing, or should I say just a warm body thing? I'm a hard worker and a fighter. I can apply for jobs, go back to school, do what I need to and shoot my way out of a trench if I have to. But what if the way people see me isn't something I can control? What if I can't shoot or work my way out of being a nice guy and I end up being just some strange paradox? It's nothing I did and nothing I can change either perhaps?

2. I'm a creative artistic type with a definite fun side too. Going back to that non self promotion thing.. there's no reason I can't do it either. I haven't because I haven't really developed my own personal and individual sense of style. I also don't because guys don't normally do that kind of thing. Guys take shirtless pics on boats and of them laughing when another one of them is laying passed out on the ground. I'm afraid of showing my artistic side to the world because I'll be rubbing elbows with women and teenaged girls who pimp and preen for profit. It just creeps me out.. it's hard to be unique or at least true to yourself when everyone else is screaming for attention and you just want to be you and not judged.

3. I had the perfect come back for when xw wanted the baskets from under the bathroom sink a few months ago. "uh.. no. not with that attitude, you're not getting them. They sat there for four years and now you're acting like I'm doing something to you and you want them? you can try again later when you drop the attitude. I haven't don't anything to you in four years.". Better late than never.  :-\

4. I wish the forum had some way to hide text. Some of the other forum softwares allow you hide text selections behind a "expand" or "show" link. I feel like it'd give me privacy to think out loud and if you wanted to read it, you could if not, don't. I'm honestly not a deep and morose person  ;D I swear. It just really helps me to write about things here. I think it's one of the only things that's helped me make it this far. But at least if there was a way to hide content, I could leave the  more positive day to day stuff visible and then hide the deeper stuff.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 13, 2020, 07:28:28 PM by gman242 »

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 717
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#2: July 13, 2020, 08:20:15 PM
Along for the ride, gman. To life!
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 54
  • Gender: Female
  • Reconfiguring....
It's My Life 1
#3: July 13, 2020, 09:20:29 PM
@gman

I'm a fellow HSP! I'm more at the extreme end of the spectrum, which makes life challenging bc I get overwhelmed often. I think many women do like and appreciate the artistic, creative type. It really just depends on the woman. I feel dating in general-for everyone-is challenging. I only had the 'bad boy' type who were interested in me and that was FAR from what I wanted. I value kind, loyal people.

You'll find the right person! Look at this phase as one of self-discovery and adventure. I know there are days you'll feel probably like I do ( defeated, confused, lost, sad) because of what you've been through, but at some point I'm hoping that all of us LBSes will be able to return to a state of peace at some point.

Just remember that there absolutely are women who value HSPs!
  • Logged
H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2173
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#4: July 15, 2020, 01:56:01 PM
Pj, wassup? Welcome aboard.

BritAmericanMom, I think it's only crowds or repetitive, annoying sounds (like beeping) that make me overstimulated. So I guess all things considered, I got pretty lucky, or at least, it's dulled since I've aged. I think the hardest thing though was being an HSP coupled with having ADD. I don't know how often they go hand in hand or if one is the symptom of the other, but with the ADD and when I was younger, my emotions were so much more intense and I found myself in looping emotional patterns and it took hours for me to calm down.

I suppose too, I'm quite lucky I made it this far and didn't land in jail or have horrible drug abuse problems. I suppose I should pat myself on the back for the amazing amount of strength I have as a person.

Yeah, I just don't know what gives with attracting types.  :-\ I wish I could just meet someone that also wants to be my friend. To be fair, I had a few, fun dates,, but they just had their own problems and it didn't work out.

This is probably a good time to thank Treasur again for noticing that I'm slowly getting there, working on recognizing red flags. The last person I was talking to, I got that "I'm just a warm body" feeling and let it drop and that's when I quit dating. The online thing simply wasn't fun anymore. However, I think I have a lot of catch up learning to do too. Xw and I got lucky enough that we had enough in common and a good enough vibe that we made it 15 years.

But I also need to learn how people perceive me. I think I always thought I was never really as attractive as other people have thought I am and I think that has a lot to do with how I interpreted the attention (both positive and negative) I've gotten from women and girls my whole life. Inside, I thought I was the weird, lonely kid nobody liked and if I had better self esteem, I would have walked right past the women that were just messing with me or just not appropriate and I would have taken up some of the other women that might have actually been interested in me.

I think really, it just comes down to developing the sense of self that I should have had all of those years ago and also the awareness of what I want in someone else, the subtleties of people's behaviors and to just generally not take everything so personally.

Look at this phase as one of self-discovery and adventure. I know there are days you'll feel probably like I do ( defeated, confused, lost, sad) because of what you've been through, but at some point I'm hoping that all of us LBSes will be able to return to a state of peace at some point.

So with all that, I do agree with you here! And yes, I feel especially defeated, lost and confused. But I think, again, a lot of that is blame I put on myself. I know I didn't have the upbringing that some others were fortunate to have, in which they were encouraged to discover their true self earlier in childhood and to feel secure in it. I often wonder if that's something we all don't have in common as LBSes. Much as I feel that most MLCers have unresolved issues from their own childhood as well.

I'm sad to say welcome aboard the forum! But overlooking the obvious, we're glad you're here and thanks for posting your thoughts in my thread!
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 01:57:06 PM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3868
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#5: July 15, 2020, 07:44:53 PM
Y'Know gman, I'm going to say the same thing to you I say to the other people who seem to feel like you do. You don't have to tell everyone about yourself, just BE who you are.  The fact that you are now (at least sometimes) able recognize what you do not want says you can just be you with your new assertive streak. I can tell you have a quirky sense of humor, use it in your favor.

You want to know what I like in a man? Someone who, when faced with rude or over the top people, shuts that down with directness or humor or whatever it takes. And if he's not up for that on a given day, at least looks at the other person like they have lost all their marbles and holds that look. Because that is confidence. Confidence that says "I'm just fine, you on the other hand, need some help". A person in a box is boring.

So, my massage therapist is actually trying to be a "nice guy" (he's having his own MLC, my goodness they are everywhere), but his default mode has always been snarky with a side of sarcastic. He is fighting it very hard to be nothing but a "nice guy". He is amazed when we get going with the sarcasm back and forth, and it's not biting or snarky, just funny in the context we use it. And I told him, it's OK to fight the snarky or mean if that no longer suits you. Sarcasm does not have to be mean, it depends on who you are with and how you use it. You can channel that form of humor to something special between friends. Trying to overwrite everything that you are doesn't work very well. Instead, bring out your best and learn to use different facets for different people.

If you are creative, be creative. Be the multi faceted human being that you are.  And have confidence that that multi faceted person is just fine, thank you very much and that anyone who thinks you are a nothing but a free hug machine is really losing out.  When they fall to the wayside, that leaves room the the right person to slide right in.

You parents were wrong, you aren't less than. You are more than enough and as soon as YOU see that, things will change.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:46:35 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1095
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#6: July 15, 2020, 07:53:26 PM
Following along G!!

Very interesting, I'm very curious how it goes for you.

-SS
  • Logged
W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2173
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#7: July 16, 2020, 02:55:22 PM
OR, I agree with you.. I just need to be me, more consistently and without hesitation and second guessing myself. I think a change has been taking place and I'm slowly getting there. At some point recently, I went through my airsoft Instagram, deleted a bunch of photos and kind of whipped up a new persona that felt like more like me and that's funny you mentioned the quirky  humor, because my first new pics were me pulling a ferris buller shower scene. I had a good time doing it and that's all I needed to happen lol.

I'm taking small steps, but i'm getting there. I moved one of my alexa dots into the bathroom so I could listen to news and music while I shower. I'm not an excessively needy person, but I do think that you should take the time to make things "feel" the way you want them to in your life. I make my bed every morning and I clean because it make me feel good to both do it and live in the space I created.

I also don't have the anxiety riddled life I seem to express here either. Not nearly as bad as it was back towards BD... I wish I could make the thought processes optional for people to read, but I do know people enjoy reading them though, so I guess I do have my own contribution to the forum, in my own way. And just to say so, I'm not hung up on thinking I'm excessively attractive or something. I am a cute guy though and I put off a friendly and approachable vibe, which I realize has just been another thing that has caused me trouble and I need to get figured out. I'm telling you, I have lacked self awareness for most of my life.

You're right too.. the crazy people, get rid of them, done and move on. I think though, what's caused me to stumble the most were the people that everything seemed like it was going well with and then suddenly, something changed for no apparent reason and I just know it's going to end. In real life, I'm a pretty consistent person and everyone I've dated so far, hasn't been. I know that's on them, but it plays on trust issues I have from my childhood and most certainly my marriage, BD and the MLC mess. That's just going to take some focused healing to get over I think. But it's emotionally unavailable people that do that I need to learn the signs of avoiding them faster, too. I think online dating has just been for the birds.. Once I'm able to, I need to get out there and make friends and be validate for who I am.

So why would the massage guy, be trying to be a nice guy? I mean it get it, if he's at work, I'd expect a certain amount of candor. That's one of the things I like about my new job actually is that people seem to feel free to be able to do without it. But if you've been a client for a long time, I also don't know why he wouldn't feel comfortable to be joking around with you either. 

But i hear ya.. I am trying to be the me I can be. As much as a single dad working full time can be..  8)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 16, 2020, 03:02:21 PM by gman242 »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3868
  • Gender: Female
It's My Life 1
#8: July 16, 2020, 05:58:08 PM

So why would the massage guy, be trying to be a nice guy? I mean it get it, if he's at work, I'd expect a certain amount of candor. That's one of the things I like about my new job actually is that people seem to feel free to be able to do without it. But if you've been a client for a long time, I also don't know why he wouldn't feel comfortable to be joking around with you either. 

My massage guy is changing his whole life. He refers to his past snarkiness as being unfortunate, and it well could have been. Sometimes snarky and sarcasm are places to hide yourself from others. Sarcasm is one of those forms of humor that it depends on how it is used as to whether it is mean spirited or not. So if he groups snarky with sarcasm, he sees both as not good. And if he considers himself as being overly critical, and that it is a bad thing, he might be heading over the top on the "nice guy" side. It's probably why we get along so well, because he can see where the sarcasm doesn't have to be mean spirited, and everything doesn't have to be "nice" all the time. It's OK to hit a rough patch, you just work your way through.  It's really quite fascinating to listen to his thought process and story. And, BTW, he's another whose parents told him he was "less than" and he most certainly is not.
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2173
  • Gender: Male
It's My Life 1
#9: July 20, 2020, 04:42:46 PM
I know exactly what you mean.. I tend to play devil's advocate all the time for no reason.. I think it was just the way men I've hung around my whole life have joked around. And I'm nice.. just because that's the way I am. I did read in the whole HSP person thing, since we tend to be observers, we pick up on people's needs and just automatically seem to take care of adjust to them. But .. I can see how he's over doing it too. I think the point of personal growth is to learn to be centered in yourself as a person and that center is just different for everyone.

I have made some progress on my whole dating anxiety dilemma... I had a couple of reinforcing experiences over the weekend. At airsoft a lady immediately approached the desk and asked me if she knew me. She thought she knew me from highschool and asked me my name and so on. I said she most likely knew me from the webpage and the facebook stuff as I run it all and I'm kind of the public face of the field. She said no that wasn't it..

We chatted on and off throughout the day, even though I *knew* something was up with it. She got talking about being born and raised in Fl and I said I was a Yankee transplant. We were talking about something else and she said "oh well being from *specific city* you'd.. " and I had never told her which city I was from. So she must have looked me up from the page and saw it on my facebook page.

Anyway, long story short, she was about to leave and I did something I normally wouldn't do. I knew nothing was going to happen with her and I didn't want it to because I didn't trust the situation, but I walked over to her and asked her if she had a facebook or anything, to you know, let me know she remembered where she knew me from. She tried to back out of it and turns out, she complained about her husband and he's the typical rich alpha male husband, she's the stay at home trophy wife.. yep, 50% of the people I've met online, exact same situation. I think she just found something fun for her and her son to do for the day and figured she'd flirt a bit too. I called it and no I don't want any of it.

The other thing that happened was that XW came over to take son shopping on Sunday. She seemed morose for some reason and not very talkative. Anyway, she had a stuffed baby yoda in the front window of her car and S asked why she has it in the window. Like the bumper stickers, she explained it away by saying someone just gave it to her and she didn't know what to do with it. It's obvious OM gave it to her or something..

It's become obvious to me, how much people just use me. How the yoda thing fits into it is, xw is just trying to keep OM happy because he's got money and she wants it. That made me sad a bit, because I know she probably doesn't treat him like she did me. She treated me the way she did because I was nice and she knew I"d put up with it.  :-\

But anyway, point being, people often want to use me because nice and or cute. I can't change who I am and the answer is, there's no easy answer. I'm just going to have to toughen up, learn to slow down and make people prove their real intents and interests in me.

For a emotionally hurt kid who didn't have control over his emotions from the emotional abuse and ADD, the positive attention was overwhelming and it was often more disingenuous than not and the pain of rejection when they got bored of me, just made me spiral more. But those days are in the past I think I'm finally done writhing in anxiety over it, because I realize I can only control how I react to it. I also need to learn the "type" of person I'm a good match for and will have the most success with. It's just tough.. getting divorced at 40 and realizing you never had a clue about dating and all of the required social interactions. But, I'll get there one day and I'm going to be fine. I made it this far and everything seems to have work out up to this point.

So work is going pretty good and I choked at bit at the beginning and since then I've learned to be myself and just relax. It's been nice that people I've only talked to online seemed excited to meet me in person. I guess I am a pretty cool guy that is generally well liked, if I do say so myself.

Aitsoft is wearing me out. It's literally been just too hot lately. The heat has been up to 90 something and the feels like has to be like 100 something something.. The next day I'm just wiped out. I didn't get off the couch until about noon on sunday. Got up, ran to the store and then did some yard work. Cut the grass, trimmed a bush and the crate myrtle in the front yard.

The grass is doing really well and I really feel like I accomplished something. It really is something positive, when I took notice of the new sprinkler, I devised a plan, followed up on it and I can see the results. I can't tell you how many times that's happened to varying degrees over the last few years. And just what a contradiction it is to everything I've been taught my whole life. I noticed something, fixed it and it worked. I drew my own conclusions and was right. I didn't listen to someone else or walk away with it because I felt like it wouldn't matter.  made it better. The yard feels better and I feel better.

I dunno man, what to tell you. I'm not even the same person I was a month ago.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.