Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story It's not over - My Story

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Male
My Story It's not over - My Story
OP: July 14, 2020, 09:27:50 AM
Hello everyone, I'm new here as I'm sure you can see although I've been a part of other marriage support groups and MLC groups and have been doing alot of reading and researching on MLC over the past 4-6 weeks.

Just a quick synapses of my current situation, W still lives at home although maintains that she's trying to save up, get a full top job, etc so she can move out ASAP.  It's been nearly 9 months of her saying this, she just got a part time job a couple weeks ago.  There is an AP that she met 2 months after announcing she wanted out of the relationship (yes I'm sure he wasn't in the picture prior to that).

Things can be quite pleasent at home, we get along well alot, but there's plenty of monstering also.  Kids are ok for now, they are happy we're all still under the same roof and there hasn't been much in the way of monstering towards them so far.

So before I get much further - I have a question.  Why is this part of the forum public?  I'd LOVE to share my story, history, how we got here, and get some input, advice, insight, suggestions, etc etc.  However, in the off chance my wife ever came across this my story would be easily identifiable and there's no doubt in my mind she'd never talk to me again.

I'll pause here for now and see what you all think, I'm currently working on being the lighthouse and taking care of myself and my kids.  Thank you in advance for your input and I hope to share my story, just a bit apprehensive to the access of said story.
  • Logged
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2172
  • Gender: Male
It's not over - My Story
#1: July 14, 2020, 09:51:54 AM
Hey man, welcome aboard!

Our resident host old pilot will be by shortly to drop you some helpful links and tips.

To answer your question.. we just don't post anything easily identifiable. We don't use real names, we refer to kids with abbreviations like S19 for son 19 years old. We use vague geographical locations and terms. Things like that. Don't identify a unique local bar by name and so on.

It may help too to use a separate email account to sign up for the forum or to turn off forum notifications to your email so there's no link back.

I think if you follow stuff like that there's very little chance of being exposed here. Nothing that could turn up in a search engine anyway.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4121
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
It's not over - My Story
#2: July 14, 2020, 09:58:40 AM
Hello,

Welcome to the place no one should ever have to join, but there are many good people that will provide great advice. If you have concerns about your w finding the site and identifying you, then keep your story to yourself. Just ask questions and move forward. You can read articles and other threads and out of the body of threads, you can look for actions and processes that work for you and your situation.

A few things, one- protect your finances. MLCers can go through savings and earning fast. Do what is necessary to protect you and your children.

Focus on your own self and care. So often, we are hurt and focused solely on the MLCer that we stop taking care of ourselves. Make sure you eat and if possible, exercise to help keep yourself grounded.

Remember, the crisis is her crisis. You can't talk, reason, or shock her out of the journey she is on. Instead, you need to detach and focus on you and your children.

Breathe deep and think of how you can move forward with or without her.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Male
It's not over - My Story
#3: July 14, 2020, 10:35:11 AM

A few things, one- protect your finances. MLCers can go through savings and earning fast. Do what is necessary to protect you and your children.

Focus on your own self and care. So often, we are hurt and focused solely on the MLCer that we stop taking care of ourselves. Make sure you eat and if possible, exercise to help keep yourself grounded.

In the beginning I was an absolute mess.  I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder anyway, and there's alot of stuff I could share about that.....maybe I will, but anyway I lost 25 lbs in 2 months, slept all weekend when she was gone, stuff like that.  Good news is, I picked myself up, made the changes I needed to and I'm healthier than I've been in years and I feel better too.  As far as finances, I have little concern there ATM.  We've always had seperate bank accounts in addition to the joint account and so far she's only blown her own money, occasionally she'll buy herself something with the groceries out of joint account but $5 or $10 here or there isn't worth quibbling over for me.

To answer your question.. we just don't post anything easily identifiable. We don't use real names, we refer to kids with abbreviations like S19 for son 19 years old. We use vague geographical locations and terms. Things like that. Don't identify a unique local bar by name and so on.

Thanks, I guess it would be Really unlikely she'd find this forum by accident and then also happen to find my thread using a username I've never used anywhere else....lol.  I'm paranoid because I know how badly she would react (even pre MLC) and also I we've both had some online stalker type stuff happen in the past few years.

That being said, I'd really like to share my story and get some insight into when this all started and that it is indeed MLC.  I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but knowledge brings me peace and calms my anxiety.  I'm a glutton for information.

Thanks for the warm welcomes so far!
  • Logged
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 160
  • Gender: Female
It's not over - My Story
#4: July 14, 2020, 01:11:51 PM
Welcome!  I see you finally have joined us.

I've commented on quite a few of your threads on both the Facebook groups we belong to :)

Glad you are here - tons of information to read and dissect.   I hope it helps you continue through your journey!
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Male
It's not over - My Story
#5: July 14, 2020, 05:53:45 PM
Welcome!  I see you finally have joined us.

I've commented on quite a few of your threads on both the Facebook groups we belong to :)

Glad you are here - tons of information to read and dissect.   I hope it helps you continue through your journey!

My identity isn't easily hidden  ;) ;)  Thanks for the welcome....honestly I kept forgetting to come sign up but I'm glad I did, already been browsing around the site.
  • Logged
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3304
  • Gender: Female
Re: It's not over - My Story
#6: July 14, 2020, 06:48:40 PM
RCR offers a subscription part of the forum that is more private.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Male
Re: It's not over - My Story
#7: July 15, 2020, 06:23:38 AM
RCR offers a subscription part of the forum that is more private.

That is something to consider although, I love the idea of getting the most input for my story and situation.  I think I just need to learn not to live in fear of the very very slim possibility of my wife stumbling across this.  I'm a pretty open person, but after the issue I had a month or so ago I've taken some caution.
  • Logged
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11037
  • Gender: Female
It's not over - My Story
#8: July 15, 2020, 06:59:30 AM
Hello Sasquatch and welcome.

I understand your reluctance to post your story, for fear that she might read what you have written.

I have "protected" my husband for many years...and in reality, whether he ever read what I have written or not, it would not change a thing.

You can write as much or as little as you wish. You will certainly learn a great deal reading other's (and responding to other's stories that resonate with your own) and you will receive support on those days when you are hit by something else that shatters you.

This site has been my "friend" for many years....perhaps the biggest help is knowing that this bizarre end of our marriage is so similar to many others...but nothing that the outside world understands.

Quote
I'd really like to share my story and get some insight into when this all started and that it is indeed MLC.  I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but knowledge brings me peace and calms my anxiety.  I'm a glutton for information.

I believe that it is MLC when a marriage, that really never showed any large problems, that others thought was good, suddenly ends.....and there is little or no discussion nor any willingness to work on solving any problems..indeed the LBS is often clueless because he/she doesn't see any problems or if they do, nothing that would be a "divorceable" offense.

The MLCer acts differently, looks differently even in a strange way, smells differently and then of course there are tons of other signs. When I read a newbie's thread, I still find myself nodding my head.

RCR's articles located at:
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

are still solid gold concerning MLC and they can and should be read at several times throughout the years that ensue.

Quote
I'm currently working on being the lighthouse and taking care of myself and my kids.

It took me a long time to realize that I was more damaged than I thought....when I first was part of HS, the concept that the LBSer could be suffering from PTSD was not mentioned....but several people here, myself included have been diagnosed with PTSD. That diagnosis and a remarkable therapist allowed me to heal..so just a head's up...the anxiety is real and the physiological  effects such as the rapid weight loss are very common...all part of the fight/flight/freeze physiology of the body.

Take good care of yourself and your children.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:01:09 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

S
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 13
  • Gender: Male
It's not over - My Story
#9: July 15, 2020, 08:04:22 AM
So I’ve decided….what the heck, let’s just get it out there.  It would be quite a coincidence for this to be stumbled across and I’ll be vague for some parts of my story although I’m easily identifiable, but that’s ok.  So here goes…….I think I’ll break this up into a couple of posts as I can be long winded and I wouldn’t want anyone to get bored and fall asleep.  So here’s “Part 1”

Pre-MLC backstory

So I’ll try to sum this part up as quickly as I can.  We met when she was 16 (nearly 17) and I was 18.  We both had best friends going to the same college, we were introduced and started talking online….which was pretty unheard of back then.  We started dating officially late that year and apparently she fell hard for me she tells me.  We married years later after having been together a while and already moving forward with a life together.  Our wedding wasn’t great, and I wasn’t very attentive, she remembers it as a pretty bad experience, and with some good reason although now it seems exaggerated.

Our relationship had ups and down, she left for a week after my first son was born due to some issues.  Things always seemed to come back together with ease no matter the issue, we really had a good connection and both maintained nothing could break that bond.  I suffer from generalized anxiety and panic disorder since I was a teenager, unfortunetly the medication I was on for 2 decades was causing me issues without me knowing it.  Lack of empathy, emotional blunting to name a few.  This caused me to have issues in our relationship because I just wasn’t empathetic…I always meant well but it never came out that way.  Same with showing my love….I always knew I was deeply in love, but couldn’t show it that well.  In addition, in order to keep my anxiety under control I would avoid situations and also manipulate her in some ways to keep me calm.  She was amazing in that regard and always wanted to make me feel better, so it was easy for me to fall into that bad habit.  Just prior to the birth of my youngest son I took a very high stress job that I enjoyed but it caused me a great deal of anxiety and panic.  I wasn’t very attentive during this period, I was basically in survival mode even turning down sex on occasion (not normal behavior for either of us).

These are the chief complaints of my wife….they are valid and I’ve addressed them in the last 6 months and grown from it in ways I never knew possible.  However, at this point……it’s all she remembers and it’s exaggerated.  For some time I believed it, I was broken and I was willing to accept this was all my fault.  Now I know that’s not true, yes I contributed, yes at times I wasn’t a very good husband, and yes I’m very sorry for how I was.  No, this isn’t all my fault and no I’m not a bad person like she insists I was/am at times.

I’m going to vaguely describe some things about my wife’s life as a child – out of respect for her privacy I try not to divulge too much even though she’s become pretty open about it.

In fact I can sum a lot of this up just by saying her father is a terrible person, I met him once very early in our relationship and that’s the last time my wife has seen him or talked to him.  The things he has done are inexcusable, he should be in jail or dead.  But it doesn’t stop there, my W also had something traumatic happen in her early teens that’s all too common but nevertheless a horrible thing to go through.  I’ll also say, and I’m only just now realizing this has been an issue for her – she’s been the rock of the family since she could talk, she’s always there for everyone, she helps whenever she can and I always supported that.  However when the tables are turned everyone is busy, broke, unable, etc.  She’s always felt like she is the black sheep, she exists in the background until somebody needs something.

Ok, I think this is long enough at this point and gives you a good backstory.  I’ll be back soon with the next post – “The Descent to Hell”


PS - I thought I'd be able to edit my first post and reference this one so people could skip right to the beginning of my story, but I guess you have limited time to edit posts.  If someone able is willing to do that for me, that'd be much appreciated....otherwise just know to always look for the BLUE text for story telling :-)
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 08:19:46 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.