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Author Topic: My Story It's not over - My Story

S
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My Story It's not over - My Story
OP: July 14, 2020, 09:27:50 AM
Hello everyone, I'm new here as I'm sure you can see although I've been a part of other marriage support groups and MLC groups and have been doing alot of reading and researching on MLC over the past 4-6 weeks.

Just a quick synapses of my current situation, W still lives at home although maintains that she's trying to save up, get a full top job, etc so she can move out ASAP.  It's been nearly 9 months of her saying this, she just got a part time job a couple weeks ago.  There is an AP that she met 2 months after announcing she wanted out of the relationship (yes I'm sure he wasn't in the picture prior to that).

Things can be quite pleasent at home, we get along well alot, but there's plenty of monstering also.  Kids are ok for now, they are happy we're all still under the same roof and there hasn't been much in the way of monstering towards them so far.

So before I get much further - I have a question.  Why is this part of the forum public?  I'd LOVE to share my story, history, how we got here, and get some input, advice, insight, suggestions, etc etc.  However, in the off chance my wife ever came across this my story would be easily identifiable and there's no doubt in my mind she'd never talk to me again.

I'll pause here for now and see what you all think, I'm currently working on being the lighthouse and taking care of myself and my kids.  Thank you in advance for your input and I hope to share my story, just a bit apprehensive to the access of said story.
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#1: July 14, 2020, 09:51:54 AM
Hey man, welcome aboard!

Our resident host old pilot will be by shortly to drop you some helpful links and tips.

To answer your question.. we just don't post anything easily identifiable. We don't use real names, we refer to kids with abbreviations like S19 for son 19 years old. We use vague geographical locations and terms. Things like that. Don't identify a unique local bar by name and so on.

It may help too to use a separate email account to sign up for the forum or to turn off forum notifications to your email so there's no link back.

I think if you follow stuff like that there's very little chance of being exposed here. Nothing that could turn up in a search engine anyway.
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It's not over - My Story
#2: July 14, 2020, 09:58:40 AM
Hello,

Welcome to the place no one should ever have to join, but there are many good people that will provide great advice. If you have concerns about your w finding the site and identifying you, then keep your story to yourself. Just ask questions and move forward. You can read articles and other threads and out of the body of threads, you can look for actions and processes that work for you and your situation.

A few things, one- protect your finances. MLCers can go through savings and earning fast. Do what is necessary to protect you and your children.

Focus on your own self and care. So often, we are hurt and focused solely on the MLCer that we stop taking care of ourselves. Make sure you eat and if possible, exercise to help keep yourself grounded.

Remember, the crisis is her crisis. You can't talk, reason, or shock her out of the journey she is on. Instead, you need to detach and focus on you and your children.

Breathe deep and think of how you can move forward with or without her.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

S
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It's not over - My Story
#3: July 14, 2020, 10:35:11 AM

A few things, one- protect your finances. MLCers can go through savings and earning fast. Do what is necessary to protect you and your children.

Focus on your own self and care. So often, we are hurt and focused solely on the MLCer that we stop taking care of ourselves. Make sure you eat and if possible, exercise to help keep yourself grounded.

In the beginning I was an absolute mess.  I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder anyway, and there's alot of stuff I could share about that.....maybe I will, but anyway I lost 25 lbs in 2 months, slept all weekend when she was gone, stuff like that.  Good news is, I picked myself up, made the changes I needed to and I'm healthier than I've been in years and I feel better too.  As far as finances, I have little concern there ATM.  We've always had seperate bank accounts in addition to the joint account and so far she's only blown her own money, occasionally she'll buy herself something with the groceries out of joint account but $5 or $10 here or there isn't worth quibbling over for me.

To answer your question.. we just don't post anything easily identifiable. We don't use real names, we refer to kids with abbreviations like S19 for son 19 years old. We use vague geographical locations and terms. Things like that. Don't identify a unique local bar by name and so on.

Thanks, I guess it would be Really unlikely she'd find this forum by accident and then also happen to find my thread using a username I've never used anywhere else....lol.  I'm paranoid because I know how badly she would react (even pre MLC) and also I we've both had some online stalker type stuff happen in the past few years.

That being said, I'd really like to share my story and get some insight into when this all started and that it is indeed MLC.  I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but knowledge brings me peace and calms my anxiety.  I'm a glutton for information.

Thanks for the warm welcomes so far!
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#4: July 14, 2020, 01:11:51 PM
Welcome!  I see you finally have joined us.

I've commented on quite a few of your threads on both the Facebook groups we belong to :)

Glad you are here - tons of information to read and dissect.   I hope it helps you continue through your journey!
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

S
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#5: July 14, 2020, 05:53:45 PM
Welcome!  I see you finally have joined us.

I've commented on quite a few of your threads on both the Facebook groups we belong to :)

Glad you are here - tons of information to read and dissect.   I hope it helps you continue through your journey!

My identity isn't easily hidden  ;) ;)  Thanks for the welcome....honestly I kept forgetting to come sign up but I'm glad I did, already been browsing around the site.
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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Re: It's not over - My Story
#6: July 14, 2020, 06:48:40 PM
RCR offers a subscription part of the forum that is more private.
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me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

S
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Re: It's not over - My Story
#7: July 15, 2020, 06:23:38 AM
RCR offers a subscription part of the forum that is more private.

That is something to consider although, I love the idea of getting the most input for my story and situation.  I think I just need to learn not to live in fear of the very very slim possibility of my wife stumbling across this.  I'm a pretty open person, but after the issue I had a month or so ago I've taken some caution.
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#8: July 15, 2020, 06:59:30 AM
Hello Sasquatch and welcome.

I understand your reluctance to post your story, for fear that she might read what you have written.

I have "protected" my husband for many years...and in reality, whether he ever read what I have written or not, it would not change a thing.

You can write as much or as little as you wish. You will certainly learn a great deal reading other's (and responding to other's stories that resonate with your own) and you will receive support on those days when you are hit by something else that shatters you.

This site has been my "friend" for many years....perhaps the biggest help is knowing that this bizarre end of our marriage is so similar to many others...but nothing that the outside world understands.

Quote
I'd really like to share my story and get some insight into when this all started and that it is indeed MLC.  I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but knowledge brings me peace and calms my anxiety.  I'm a glutton for information.

I believe that it is MLC when a marriage, that really never showed any large problems, that others thought was good, suddenly ends.....and there is little or no discussion nor any willingness to work on solving any problems..indeed the LBS is often clueless because he/she doesn't see any problems or if they do, nothing that would be a "divorceable" offense.

The MLCer acts differently, looks differently even in a strange way, smells differently and then of course there are tons of other signs. When I read a newbie's thread, I still find myself nodding my head.

RCR's articles located at:
https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

are still solid gold concerning MLC and they can and should be read at several times throughout the years that ensue.

Quote
I'm currently working on being the lighthouse and taking care of myself and my kids.

It took me a long time to realize that I was more damaged than I thought....when I first was part of HS, the concept that the LBSer could be suffering from PTSD was not mentioned....but several people here, myself included have been diagnosed with PTSD. That diagnosis and a remarkable therapist allowed me to heal..so just a head's up...the anxiety is real and the physiological  effects such as the rapid weight loss are very common...all part of the fight/flight/freeze physiology of the body.

Take good care of yourself and your children.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 07:01:09 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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#9: July 15, 2020, 08:04:22 AM
So I’ve decided….what the heck, let’s just get it out there.  It would be quite a coincidence for this to be stumbled across and I’ll be vague for some parts of my story although I’m easily identifiable, but that’s ok.  So here goes…….I think I’ll break this up into a couple of posts as I can be long winded and I wouldn’t want anyone to get bored and fall asleep.  So here’s “Part 1”

Pre-MLC backstory

So I’ll try to sum this part up as quickly as I can.  We met when she was 16 (nearly 17) and I was 18.  We both had best friends going to the same college, we were introduced and started talking online….which was pretty unheard of back then.  We started dating officially late that year and apparently she fell hard for me she tells me.  We married years later after having been together a while and already moving forward with a life together.  Our wedding wasn’t great, and I wasn’t very attentive, she remembers it as a pretty bad experience, and with some good reason although now it seems exaggerated.

Our relationship had ups and down, she left for a week after my first son was born due to some issues.  Things always seemed to come back together with ease no matter the issue, we really had a good connection and both maintained nothing could break that bond.  I suffer from generalized anxiety and panic disorder since I was a teenager, unfortunetly the medication I was on for 2 decades was causing me issues without me knowing it.  Lack of empathy, emotional blunting to name a few.  This caused me to have issues in our relationship because I just wasn’t empathetic…I always meant well but it never came out that way.  Same with showing my love….I always knew I was deeply in love, but couldn’t show it that well.  In addition, in order to keep my anxiety under control I would avoid situations and also manipulate her in some ways to keep me calm.  She was amazing in that regard and always wanted to make me feel better, so it was easy for me to fall into that bad habit.  Just prior to the birth of my youngest son I took a very high stress job that I enjoyed but it caused me a great deal of anxiety and panic.  I wasn’t very attentive during this period, I was basically in survival mode even turning down sex on occasion (not normal behavior for either of us).

These are the chief complaints of my wife….they are valid and I’ve addressed them in the last 6 months and grown from it in ways I never knew possible.  However, at this point……it’s all she remembers and it’s exaggerated.  For some time I believed it, I was broken and I was willing to accept this was all my fault.  Now I know that’s not true, yes I contributed, yes at times I wasn’t a very good husband, and yes I’m very sorry for how I was.  No, this isn’t all my fault and no I’m not a bad person like she insists I was/am at times.

I’m going to vaguely describe some things about my wife’s life as a child – out of respect for her privacy I try not to divulge too much even though she’s become pretty open about it.

In fact I can sum a lot of this up just by saying her father is a terrible person, I met him once very early in our relationship and that’s the last time my wife has seen him or talked to him.  The things he has done are inexcusable, he should be in jail or dead.  But it doesn’t stop there, my W also had something traumatic happen in her early teens that’s all too common but nevertheless a horrible thing to go through.  I’ll also say, and I’m only just now realizing this has been an issue for her – she’s been the rock of the family since she could talk, she’s always there for everyone, she helps whenever she can and I always supported that.  However when the tables are turned everyone is busy, broke, unable, etc.  She’s always felt like she is the black sheep, she exists in the background until somebody needs something.

Ok, I think this is long enough at this point and gives you a good backstory.  I’ll be back soon with the next post – “The Descent to Hell”


PS - I thought I'd be able to edit my first post and reference this one so people could skip right to the beginning of my story, but I guess you have limited time to edit posts.  If someone able is willing to do that for me, that'd be much appreciated....otherwise just know to always look for the BLUE text for story telling :-)
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 08:19:46 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#10: July 15, 2020, 09:43:21 PM
Hi Sasquatch (love your alias, btw)

I'm coming from very similar place as you. A STBXW who is resentful or in "I have forgiven but I can never forget" mode. Been this way likely 5-10 years, of which I've been aware for 17+ months. The worst and greatest months of my life.

I'm gonna share you three lessons I've learned, maybe they will become useful:

I have made many mistakes in past, but here's the newsflash. So does everyone. So feel free to look at yourself with a bit (or maybe even more) of grace and forgiveness.  Fix what you think was wrong, and carry on. Life is all about growth. If you keep looking what other person was in the past, it's gonna keep you stuck.  If you keep looking what other person should become in the future, it's gonna keep you stuck. Focus on present you and present others. And become best of you. Grow daily. Physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. It attracts people towards you. It makes you the lighthouse.

Which takes me to second item on my list. It is never about you... What you think of something and how you feel of it is always a choice you make. It is never about others.... The thing is... People in love forgive and forget, feel compassion. It makes love love. It makes people build dreams that last a lifetime. But to forgive is a choice, to look through eyes of compassion and love is a choice, and to forget is a choice... For reason or another she has chosen differently at some point in time, and it has allowed this massive lump of negativity to build within...You may have done mistakes, but she chose how to feel and respond into your mistakes.... When she felt wronged back then, should have been addressed back then. Letting it be and grow in the shadows...was her choice. A mistake she made (see, all make mistakes) that allowed a hurting, blistering wound to evolve... Right now you just existing in same space or universe is enough to trigger the hurt.

Three, hurt makes people do crazy stuff. You just want out of it, fast. Me, my W, you, your W. We all follow this hardwired instinct to survive....  The more you hurt, the less rational decisions you make.It's just inbuilt chemistry and hormones in us. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn are the four basic modes. You are now fighting, she is likely in flight mode...As long as the hurt is there, as long as the triggering happens, nothing really changes....We really cannot heal each others hurts or make them better or worse with our own behaviour. Because the only person we control is us....  So focus on yourself.  Because it is the only person you can change, fix,save and love as whole.

Please do understand that all this is slow process, and you two will travel separate roads for many years, possibly forever.  And all you control is you and how you respond to things not in your control.

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 10:07:38 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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#11: July 16, 2020, 05:59:51 AM

Please do understand that all this is slow process, and you two will travel separate roads for many years, possibly forever.  And all you control is you and how you respond to things not in your control.

Thanks so much for the reply.  I'm a recovering control freak, it's one of the things I've been working on being better at so it's hard to relinquish control of my relationship entirely.  I do know it's a slow process, and TBH my wife and I have been traveling seperate paths for a few years now, I just didn't know it.  I'll get to that as I share more of my story and hopefully some insight as to if I'm correct or not.

She says she resents me, but when my smart contact is on point she's super kind and wants to be around me.....that is until OM invites her over.  Anyway, hope to have Part II of my story up later today
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#12: July 16, 2020, 06:31:06 AM
Hey Sasquatch,

I'm glad you found your way here  :D

So she broke 9 months ago? Or was it longer?

The talk about leaving is all fantasy. It could become real, but they just exist inside their own heads.
The less pressure on them helps them to settle down, and removes the drama that feeds the monster (but some monster is expected and in ways, healthy).
How are you doing with detaching? With not taking it personally? These may be strange questions, or even seen counter-productive, but they are essential for you and for her.

I see she's had a terrible past. Our W's share that in common, and it's very usual for women with these problems to go thru MLC. Very common.
She's going to have so many things to work thru, and they aren't easy to work on even without MLC. Understand this is going to be a long, painful process.
Very good your kids have you, they're going to need you like never before..... and you're going to need them like never before too.

What have you been doing thus far for GAL'ing? This is going to be very important. While the MLC is all about her, being a LBS is all about you and there's LOTS of work to be done.

Hang tough..... this is a hard road, but there is so much to be gained which is very positive. From the worst experience of your life, or being the best (if you let it).

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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#13: July 16, 2020, 07:45:11 AM
Standing strong, thanks so much for the reply.  I think most of your questions will be answer shortly as I'm working on Part II of my story, and hopefully Part III will bring us up to current day and I can get some much needed insight and help understanding, etc etc.  I do have a decent understanding I've been researching for a month now but still not sure sometimes how I should be acting, what I should or shouldn't be doing, etc.

In any case.....stay tuned

-Squatch
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

S
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It's not over - My Story
#14: July 16, 2020, 08:46:26 AM
Part II – The Descent to Hell

Now we get into the juicy stuff, and where I believe may be the actual start of her crisis.  Enter the year 2015…….

We already had 2 children at this point, the eldest a boy and then 5 years younger a girl.  We were content with that family but SURPRISE, lol.  So it was very unexpected and at times stressful to now have a 3rd child on the way, of course we wouldn’t change a thing about that now.  I was also still at my job that was causing me nearly daily panic attacks and was pretty inattentive to my wife.

Fast forward to early 2016 and my youngest son was born, it all went pretty well and that very same day I was offered a new job and gave my notice at my anxiety inducing job.  Things were looking up, or so I thought.  This next part was a very touchy subject for my wife, even kept it secret from most of her family so I’ll be intentionally vague – but months later she found out she’d need some relatively major surgery and it was something she really did not want to do.  But she did it, and this in my opinion is where it all began.

The surgery itself went well the Dr. informed me, but time was getting on and she wasn’t out of recovery.  Turned out they couldn’t get her pain under control (she has a very high tolerance to some drugs, it’s a genetic thing I keep meaning to research further).  Anyway, I insisted I see her…..she lied to me, said she was ok and to take the baby home for a while.  When I came back, she had been moved to ICU.  I brought the kids to see her, she looked exhausted…..we all teared up some and she lied again (mind you these were lies to protect me and the kids not selfish lies).  She said she was ok again and to go home and get some sleep as she was also very tired.  Well, she had on a brave face and later on I found out that her pain was so extreme and nothing was working that she actually “died” at least 5 or 6 times.  Apparently a combo of shock and drug overdose trying to control the pain.  She obviously was revived each time but she remembers it quite vividly as just slipping into nothingness.

So, in addition to that horrific ordeal that she wishes she never went through….the surgery made her feel less like a woman and even though we didn’t plan to have any more kids (I had gotten a vasectomy) she was upset at the thought that she literally couldn’t.  She was in pretty deep depression and one of the only times in our lives I’ve actually SEEN the depression.  She has a history of depression but normally hides it quite well.  I was not as attentive as I should have been and so probably contributed to the issue.  I lacked empathy and real feelings at the time, so while I cared deeply…I wasn’t showing it well.

Time went on, the topic would come up sometimes and she would say things like “I wish I had actually died” or “I should never have opted for that surgery”.  But other than that I thought WE were ok.  I was wrong, but I was caught up in my own anxiety issues, emotional blunting, etc that I never saw her struggling so hard.

I’m going to skip 2017 as nothing notable happened that I can remember, just her hiding her depression as usual and me thinking everything was ok just going through the motions of day to day life.  Enter late 2018….the first time she verbally expressed serious issues.  We took a trip together, it did not go all that well, we fought too much, didn’t spend any intimate time together, it was more like a couple besties hanging for the weekend.  Not long after this she started looking for more things to “feel happy”.  Up to this point she was looking to me I think to increase her feelings of happiness, and I missed ALL the signs.

Now she was looking outside of our relationship for her happiness.  She increased her drinking a little bit, but not enough that I was too concerned about it and started looking for new friends to hang out with, mostly Male.  She went through maybe 3 or 4 meetups but didn’t click with anyone that she wanted to be around until near the end of 2018.  She became pretty good friends with a guy from down state, he was a bit older, but was a bodybuilder and had a wife that had zero interest in him and they basically had an open marriage.  My W and him went out to dinner mostly, but also hung out at the beach or other stuff occasionally.  I’m 100% certain it was not physical, but I was SUPER jealous during this time and acted like a total ass and now in retrospect I can see that she was probably in an emotional affair, and she was monstering during this period as well (I had no idea what that was back then).  I took it as blame, and I reacted defensively most of the time which only increased the issue.

This continued well into 2019.  During the early days (late 2018) she said to me one night “I think this might just be a phase I need to get through”.   That’s been replaying in my mind lately.  She’s ALWAYS been very psychologically intuitive and I wonder if she’s known that she was going through something, she also quotes her surgery as a turning point where she reevaluated her life and decided she needed to be happy.  So anyway, things were tense during this time….she was constantly telling me I was pushing her away, she didn’t know how much longer she could do this, etc etc.  I was lost in my own emotional blunting but anger and jealousy came easy so that’s where I lived.  We were still intimate, in fact our sex life was really good but aside from that we were mostly roommates. I thought to myself, we have true love….this will blow over.
Then…..more trauma.  Late June 2019 my wife’s eldest half brother died unexpectedly as a result of a motorcycle accident.  As if that wasn’t bad enough on it’s own, there’s more.  First, I was not there for her as I should have been.  I was at times, but at times I was incredibly jealous that she was also confiding in her “new guy friend”.  I acted like a child, storming off, etc.  She went to be with her family for a week…..she’s the rock, she holds everyone up all the time.  So that’s what she did all week, spending her entire savings in the process.  So much so, that she didn’t grieve his death until Easter of 2020, she finally broke down and cried and shared some things with me. Anyway, when the tables are turned…..most of her family is too busy, broke, etc. to help.  They don’t seem to try very hard to reach out to her either.  Don’t get me wrong, they are great people and I love them dearly but I now know she holds resentment for this and feels like this is how it’s been her whole life.  That she exists in the background until somebody needs help or strength and that she’s the black sheep despite being probably the most responsible of them all.

I went up at the end of that week to be with them all and attend the celebration of life….the night I got there she was already drunk, which pissed me off and I reacted poorly to it.  This only made her want to drink more.  I’ve never ever seen her drink so much and it got to the point we almost took her to the hospital.  In the process……………….BOMB DROP.

Now, my bomb drop was different than a lot of peoples, it was like a “soft” bomb drop.  She told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and verified it the next day while sober.  However, at this point she did not express wanting out of the relationship….only that she wanted the feelings to return and I needed to get my crap together basically.

I’ll break here and return with Part III – Nuclear Detonation…..

By now, you’ve come to realize I’m long winded……kudos to anyone that makes it this far.  Talk soon!

~Squatch
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#15: July 17, 2020, 06:26:26 AM
Part III – Nuclear Detonation

In my last post I shared that I’d been told by my wife whom I’d known for nearly 20 years at this point, that she was no longer in love with me.  It cut deep, BUT I was confident it was a temporary feeling and partially driven by all the turmoil.  I knew that deep down we’d always been deeply in love and I guess I took for granted that it doesn’t just stay that way forever without any work.

The next few months weren’t getting any better, she was going to dinner more often with her guy friend and I thought I was trying…I was listening to people like Les Brown, Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, I was working towards trying to be self employeed (a long time goal of mine) and had hopes of moving to an area with more to do (a complain my wife has had since moving here) and I was working out more as I was in nearly the worst shape of my life and my wife was in the best shape she’d been in for a long time.  I THOUGHT I was doing all the right things and I just needed time.  First, I was NOT doing the right things and also she was monstering sometimes even though I didn’t know that’s what it was.  She’d break down and cry, I’d feel bad, she’d say she didn’t think she could do this much longer, on an on.

At one point she told me, if things aren’t better by the time she graduated college in April….”I’m not sure I can stick around.” But then on November first we were having a bit of a squabble over text and she dropped the Atomic Bomb – We’re done.  I left work, rushed home….tried to talk through it but she’d made up her mind and said she already felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  At this point, she said she still had some hope but we had to start over and she had to fall in love again.

During this period I didn’t do a lot of the RIGHT things, and far to much begging, pleading, trying to convince.  Meanwhile she was going out with her friends on occasion and getting hammered, and also really trying to convince me to find a girlfriend.  She had gotten on dating apps not too long after telling me we were done.  She was talking mostly, but started going on a date or two.  Think she met up with maybe 2 or 3 guys at that point but nothing stuck.  Then just after the turn of the year, she went on a date with a guy……I now refer to him as OM.  In retrospect I think she fell into limerence almost immediately as he opened up on their first date about his own issues with his wife cheating on him and he had kicked her out. 

A week later she returned very late from a date with him at his house….I let my anxiety eat away at me, and I lost my cool accusing her of having sex and saying things like I hope this is worth it.  She VERY calmly said to me – well, I’ve made my final decision there’s no more hope for us.

At this point I was still taking ALL the blame, and yes I deserved to take some of it.  I never addressed my anxiety issues or realized the medication I was on was causing emotional blunting and a whole set of issues on its own.  This was my turning point, I had basically hit rock bottom or so I thought.  The next day I made a doctors appt. to review my meds, I started going to counseling, and it was a Looooooong road for me.  For a solid 3 months I was waking up to panic attacks every day, my anxiety was through the roof.  Meanwhile my wife was having the time of her life with OM saying she’s never been treated so good, going there every chance she got and in the meantime I was in a state of depression I’d never felt before.  When she was gone, I literally slept……I was functional enough to keep my kids alive and well and that was it.

I was also still doing A LOT of the wrong things, but I did start looking into things like Marriage Helper and started learning all I could about my situation (which I still thought was mostly my fault).  I started to realize I needed to focus on improving myself for me first and others would benefit.  I was trying to learn smart contact but what I didn’t realize is she would draw me into fights and then monster like crazy.  This went on for months, but one night she pushed my buttons so much that I did something out of character that I’m ashamed of and NOW I’d hit rock bottom.  I was very aggressive (did not lay a finger on her) and said some very inappropriate things, I don’t even know who I was.  But she had compared me to her dad and I just lost it.  She got physical with me, just enough to shove me out of the bedroom aggressively and slam the door.  She told me she’d be gone in the morning.  I called out from work the next day and spent the ENTIRE day on the couch, alone, in silence. I couldn’t even look in the mirror.

She went about her day and that evening she approached me and said “I can’t hate you, you’re my best friend” and she also said “I won’t move back home, I’d rather die”.  I’ve been on an upward trajectory ever since but have made my fastest progress since learning that I’ve most likely been dealing with an MLC for years and this wasn’t all about my screw ups like I’d thought.  Still, her grievances carried weight and are things I’m continuing to work on….being a control freak, letting my anxiety rule me, using the four horseman….etc.

Monstering continued, I let her draw me in so very easily.  My smart contact was improving, but only slightly.  The biggest difference during this time is during our fights I stayed much more calm, and often times told her I refused to fight and didn’t attend.  Then some people started suggesting to me that maybe what I’m dealing with is a MLC.  I immediately thought of the bald guy in the red corvette with the 20 something girlfriend.  I was like, naaaa she seems very sure of what she wants and OM is the same age and in some ways even similar to me.  But as I learned what MLC REALLY is, I think I have a text book case on my hands, but I’ll let you all be the judge of that. 

In retrospect I think this was triggered by her surgery but she was trying to deal with it in quiet, she’s a fighter, she always has been.  But now I can see the slow progression over the past few years and the death of her brother and all the turmoil surrounding it coupled with my poor actions and jealousy pushed her right off the edge.

Ok, I’m going to leave this one at this point.  I’ll be back with 1 more to bring us to current day Part IV – The epiphany

~Squatch
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 06:52:45 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#16: July 17, 2020, 07:31:59 AM
Quote
opened up on their first date about his own issues with his wife cheating on him and he had kicked her out. 
This leapt out at me. If this is true OM is a) stupid or b) disordered or c) into revenge sex to hurt his xw
No one who has been cheated on by a spouse and knows the gut-wrenching pain of it could knowingly sleep with someone else's wife unless they were frankly not healthy or a bit of a pos.....either way your w chose poorly.... ::)

Will look forward to next instalment, Squatch....ah if only folks like you and me got paid by the word right?  :)
But seriously, I hope that sharing your story is also helping you focus your own thinking and priorities
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#17: July 17, 2020, 09:02:01 AM
Remember Treasur, we have no idea what she told OM or how she has painted Sasquatch to him. I heard the lies my H was telling about me to someone on the phone. Someone who didn't know me well might have believed them. (No one who knew me would ever believe them)

Sasquatch, I hope you have learned that the MLCER goes for the places they know they can hurt you the most so they can justify their monstering. Your reactions may not have been what you were pround of, but they were understandable since you had no idea she was trying to create a situation where she could MAKE you into the bad guy. Unless you had zero feelings at all, most people react with defensiveness when attacked. Good on you that you are working on better contact methods.
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 09:03:16 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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#18: July 17, 2020, 09:32:12 AM
Very good point, OR.
The one thing we do know is that these folks lie - to us, to others, to themselves.....
I still remember the point (sometime in 2017 I think) when I realised that my then h was lying so much about so much that it was simply impossible to have any kind of sensible conversation with him about anything at all. It was bizarre to me but self evidently how things were bc either what he said made no sense or the actual facts would come out some other way. I have never really understood his need to lie so much.....but it was a kind of relief to accept that anything he said was simply not reliable at all unless there was some independent verification  ::). I suspect he lied to a lot of people about a lot of things, maybe even lied so much that he kind of believed it lol. Exhausting to deal with though so I was glad when I stopped  :) Bc in my case my then h erased our mutual friends/family too - who were all as shellshocked as me - I have never heard his story of my many 'sins' that ruined his life and warranted death threats ha ha, but I'm sure he told plenty. And ironically picked an ow who he found out lied to him....and then married her anyway....so perhaps they are actually very well suited  ::)

I'm not sure why but it does seem to be true more often than not that the ow/om they pick are rarely decent healthy kinds of humans though. Probably something about the nature of the shared fantasy narrative that goes along with any kind of affair I guess. Bc making a pretty love story off the back of deceit, betrayal, disrespect and emotional abuse requires a fair bit of creativity lol.

OR is quite right too about forgiving yourself for your reactions when you are being manipulated, gaslit and abused.....which most LBS are for a little while at least. Bc they do know us well enough to know the buttons that work. Changing how/if we interact with them is really the only way to break that pattern and to protect ourselves. Oh and teaching our brain to care less and less about their opinion of us or anything else important I suppose which just takes a little time.
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 09:35:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#19: July 17, 2020, 11:04:24 AM
I appreciate very much the replies.....to reference the gaslighting and button pushing, I can see that now clear as day.  I had no idea about MLC at the time, I've only just really dove into it in the last 4 weeks.  Wish I had realized a couple years ago that this was the path we were headed down.  I'm still ashamed of how I acted....I won't share the details but I've never lost control like that I think I may have even blacked out momentarily.

In reference to OM, my wife was VERY open at the beginning of THEIR relationship with me....too open. I had to put a boundary in place for that as it was hurting me more than it was worth to be her safe place.  From what I've gathered she doesnt' bad mouth me to him at all, in fact she had a nice conversation with me on the phone last weekend right in front of him.  HOWEVER, she told me that she informed him we were 100% done with zero chance of reconciling barring a literal miracle.  In addition, he suffers from PTSD, has had 2 serious relationships in which he was cheated on, and who knows what other issues he may have.  I won't get into details about him at this point as it's not super important, I don't compare myself to him anymore 99% of the time anyway.

Also, yes writing out and sharing my story and especially interacting about it is for sure therapeutic for me, this is the first time I've gotten it all in one place all together beginning to current.  I was fearful because if my wife ever found it.....there would never be reconciliation.  She hasn't forgiven her mother for sharing some private info about her years ago.  I hope that's the type of attitude she's able to work through in this crisis, I've learned that forgiving is for you, not the other person.

Ok, stay tuned....might be a day or two for the final installment, or might be tonight...I dunno I kinda fly by the seat of me pants sometimes. 

And yes, how can I paid by the word?  LOL
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#20: July 20, 2020, 08:44:24 AM

Part IV - The Epiphany

So for months I struggled with getting my anxiety under control, working on myself, and furiously reading and learning all I could about marriage and relationships.  I became part of the marriage helper community and it was incredibly helpful but at times just didn't seem like things were quite lining up.  It was all solid advice and alot of it was and is the right thing to do but something was different in my situation and I just wasn't seeing it.

Finally a fellow member messaged me some info on MLC as she thought it appeared to be what was going on.  At first I was a tad skeptical, my wife has always been brutally honest, straightforward, and transparent so I figured, there's no way she doesn't mean what she says and I was accepting of the fact I had caused issues in the relationship.  So anyway I started to research and participate in the MLC community and as I learned I started having some SERIOUS "AHA" moments.  How could my seemingly so unique situation be documented by so many other people, alot of the things my wife was saying and doing had been mirrored by others.

This was maybe 4-6 weeks ago and while things are largely the same, I've started making some adjustments.  Before I had verified MLC I wasn't quite being the Lighthouse I should have been, everyone was telling me....cut her off, go strict smart contact, let her miss you, etc.  Some people even suggested I kick her out (which I can't legally do anyway).  However, I just never felt like this was the right approach and it was hard for me to avoid her as she often sought me out for conversation and such.  So I loosened up smart contact.....now that doesnt' mean I started talking about our relationship or anything, but I started just being my normal friendly self as long as she was also being friendly.

4th of July weekend OM was out of town and she spent the weekend with me and the kids.  This weekend almost feels like a milestone of sorts.  During the long weekend there were 2 nights that we sat in the living room and talked for HOURS.  1 night was mostly about me and why I'm a people pleaser and a bit about my mom and divorce etc.  (my wife is very intuitive with psychological things such as this even though she has no training, she's also an empath).  So anyway, the other night we talked about her mostly.  Alot of what we talked about I already knew as we had always shared openly in our marriage but there were added details, a few new stories, and the big thing was that she told me she had unlocked some memories just prior to her brother's death.  She told me that she's taking those memories to her grave and will never tell anyone as she doesn't want anyone's pity.  But she eluded to what it was, I had suspected in the past these things but she said she really doesn't ever remember that happening.  Well, my hear heart just sank to the floor.  I tried not to show pity, I knew she didnt' want that so I just showed some compassion and kept the conversation moving.

We also had alot of fun that weekend, me and her hung out on the new back deck I just built had some drinks, ordered pizza, she challenged me to do a flip in the trampoline and well I can't back down from that.....she coaxed me into going into the pool with the kids, and overall July 4th was great.....right up til it wasn't.  She monstered HARD at something that caught me off guard.  I mean hard, not sure if this was the worst one ever, but it was close.  She'd been drinking and she tried to leave, she said she had to go but I took her keys and locked her car.  After about an hour of talking off and on and me being mostly calm I felt comfortable enough that she was sober enough to drive and I relinquished the keys as she was still pushing to leave.  She went for a ride for maybe 20 minutes, came home and sat in the driveway for another 20 minutes with the music blaring, then came in and got a beer and her speaker and sat on the porch playing music.  Wasn't long that she was talking to me a little bit and eventually I ended up sitting out there with her and then she was dancing (she loves to dance) and was trying to get me to join (I do not love to dance, lol)  I couldn't understand this at ALL and that made it hard for me to enjoy what was going on.  a few hours prior I was literally the spawn of satan to her, and now she wanted me to have fun and dance with her?

This was a missed oppurtunity for me for sure, but the evening still went well.  Well enough that the next day she said to me "After you were done being mean to me and I was able to clear my head, I had a really nice night with a friend".  I mean I hate hearing that I'm her "friend" but that was still nice to hear.

During that next week she monstered a little bit again, but I was noticing MUCH faster recoveries.  I mean on the 4th, that sorta fight would have warranted days of silence, or at least A DAY.  This was hours, and now at times it's even faster.  July 11th was my birthday and she went to OM's for the weekend.  but she wrote to me early that morning to wish me happy b-day and was texting off and on.  Then this past week she was really friendly, we had a pretty darn good week honestly.  No fights, she hung around me instead of hiding in her room.  One night she was on phone with OM late, and I don't think it was a real good conversation but next day it was like nothing happened.  Then again thursday night she was texting away, gets up from couch and says - All men suck, and proceeds to goto her room and watch tv and drink a bottle of champagne til 3am.  Then the next day she went to OM's for the weekend.  She's back now and at work, but her client is sleeping so she's bored and texting me.

So, you're all caught up.  There's plenty of things that have happened all mixed in there as I'm sure you can all relate, but I tried to just pick out some things that stick out in MY mind.  She seems so adament that she's so much happier with OM, but at the same time she seeks out interaction with me CONSTANTLY and even when I've basically suggested maybe we can't be friends.....the next day it's like we never had that discussion.

I feel like I really need to focus on being the Lighthouse for her, and PIES for me.  She's felt pushed aside and abandoned her whole life even though she's been the strong one that steps up and takes care of stuff.  So, I think I need to stay true to myself and be kind, be steady, and as understanding as I can be.  Of course I also somehow need to continue to detach particularly any control (I'm a recovering control freak).

I'd love to hear some input on what you all think.  I'm 99% sure this is classic MLC, but that 1% NAGS at me saying - no you were just a crappy husband and that's why she wanted out.  Also, do you think my assumption is correct that she's been slowing slipping into this for a few years now?  I do think the surgery is what kicked this off and then it went into overdrive when her brother died and I wasn't acting very well during that year.

Thank you so much for any and all input (sorry for the novel).  This has helped me so much, the learning, the sharing, and the feedback are invaluable to me.

~Squatch



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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#21: July 22, 2020, 06:39:44 AM
The past couple of weeks she's been reaching out to me more at home, through text, and even when at OM's house.  But at the same time it seems that she loves to remind me of what I can't have.  Detachment is incredibly difficult for me, I'm moving myself to loving from a distance and trying to not let her actions affect me so much, but at the same time I find my mood instantly shifts when she mentions leaving for the weekend.  I start to think to myself - well if it's so great there, just stay over there (it's 1.5 hrs away, and he doesn't seem to want that).  But that's me trying to regain some control and that's where my own personal growth has come into play.  These are the types of comments I would have just spewed forth a year ago or even 6 months ago.  I still feel the urge, but keep them contained 80% or more of the time.

Also - here's something a tad curious.  Last night she mentioned to me something about cleaning the couch, I said - well I work 40 hrs, keep up on the house, take care of the kids, I don't always get to everything.  So she said - well I was just pointing out some of the things I used to do.

Why does she even care?  She wants to move out, she runs to OM's every chance she gets.  Is she trying to remind me that I "need" her still, is she seeing that I CAN run this house by myself if I need to.  I dunno, I'm an over thinker and I try not to Psycho analyze her because I'd drive myself nuts....but little things like this have been more and more often while the monstering has been turned way down for over 2 weeks now.

Edited to add - Last night she shared with me a post she saw on Facebook that said something to the effect of "women base thier view of men on their fathers" and then she said - Maybe that's been my issue, all my boyfriends in high school were crappy and cheated on me, etc.  (ok so I've already known this is probably why, and even this current guy has a similar stature to her father and is kinda a butthole).  I'm hoping this is part of her process, that it's helping her tame some of her demons.  BTW - I'm practically polar opposite from her father and when we met she basically said I was different from all her previous BF's and she wanted to try something different.   20 years was a good run.

~Squatch
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« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 06:43:05 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#22: July 24, 2020, 11:52:46 AM
Kind of a big update here.  Last weekend it didn't sound like things went that well between W and OM, then all week long she went without a phone call from him which is odd.  Long story short - He broke up with her OVER TEXT this morning while she was at work.  She is SO angry, she said they agreed to only talk relationship stuff in person.  She unloaded on him, called him a coward, etc.  He also used the cliche' it's not you it's me (in different words).

So she's mostly angry right now, but I'm sure also sad.  I've been a safe place for her today, mostly just listening and trying not to offer any opinions or anything.  Things have been pretty decent between us for the past 2 weeks, no monstering or fighting, very little disagreements and she spends time around me.  She just went back to work, but she sat in the den with me for most of the time she was home.

However, as she rambled on and I just listened I couldn't help but feel that she was feeding me stuff to remind me she has no interest in being here still.  I really didn't engage at all even though i could feel emotions rising.  At one point she did say - Everyone in my life takes me for granted and I replied "well not everyone" to which she responded "well, you used to".   That was about as snarky as I got the whole time.

So I guess if anyone has some insight on what to expect at this point......I've suspected that shes on the back end of replay for a while and has showed SOME signs of withdrawal also but just not getting my hopes about any of that.  I know i'm gonna probably hurt myself here with some added hope, but it is what it is.  I've detached more than I had been.

I think I just need to stay the course, keep doing what I have been, but might be helpful to know what to typically expect right now?
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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#23: July 24, 2020, 12:20:05 PM
Kind of a big update here.  Last weekend it didn't sound like things went that well between W and OM, then all week long she went without a phone call from him which is odd.  Long story short - He broke up with her OVER TEXT this morning while she was at work.  She is SO angry, she said they agreed to only talk relationship stuff in person.  She unloaded on him, called him a coward, etc.  He also used the cliche' it's not you it's me (in different words).

So she's mostly angry right now, but I'm sure also sad.  I've been a safe place for her today, mostly just listening and trying not to offer any opinions or anything.  Things have been pretty decent between us for the past 2 weeks, no monstering or fighting, very little disagreements and she spends time around me.  She just went back to work, but she sat in the den with me for most of the time she was home.

However, as she rambled on and I just listened I couldn't help but feel that she was feeding me stuff to remind me she has no interest in being here still.  I really didn't engage at all even though i could feel emotions rising.  At one point she did say - Everyone in my life takes me for granted and I replied "well not everyone" to which she responded "well, you used to".   That was about as snarky as I got the whole time.

So I guess if anyone has some insight on what to expect at this point......I've suspected that shes on the back end of replay for a while and has showed SOME signs of withdrawal also but just not getting my hopes about any of that.  I know i'm gonna probably hurt myself here with some added hope, but it is what it is.  I've detached more than I had been.

I think I just need to stay the course, keep doing what I have been, but might be helpful to know what to typically expect right now?

While its great news that she broke up with OM, try to hold no expectations.   Remember that he wasn't the root of her issues, he was just a distraction so that she avoids dealing with her own issues.

She may take some time to work on herself, and keep you at a distance, she may just hop right back into the dating apps and try to find a new one.  We dont know your MCL'er, but we know you as an LBS, and you need to keep your focus on you.
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

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Re: It's not over - My Story
#24: July 24, 2020, 12:42:37 PM
Drop any and all expectations. A lot of us experienced many break up/ make up scenarios with the alienators and our MLCers. Even if they do stay broken up, those feelings aren't going to fade fast for her. Hands off, look away, and focus on you. Though...as memory serves...it did feel pretty good to see it happen, when it did. Just don't get overly involved.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

 

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