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Author Topic: My Story It's not over - My Story

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My Story It's not over - My Story
#10: July 15, 2020, 09:43:21 PM
Hi Sasquatch (love your alias, btw)

I'm coming from very similar place as you. A STBXW who is resentful or in "I have forgiven but I can never forget" mode. Been this way likely 5-10 years, of which I've been aware for 17+ months. The worst and greatest months of my life.

I'm gonna share you three lessons I've learned, maybe they will become useful:

I have made many mistakes in past, but here's the newsflash. So does everyone. So feel free to look at yourself with a bit (or maybe even more) of grace and forgiveness.  Fix what you think was wrong, and carry on. Life is all about growth. If you keep looking what other person was in the past, it's gonna keep you stuck.  If you keep looking what other person should become in the future, it's gonna keep you stuck. Focus on present you and present others. And become best of you. Grow daily. Physically, intellectually, emotionally, spiritually. It attracts people towards you. It makes you the lighthouse.

Which takes me to second item on my list. It is never about you... What you think of something and how you feel of it is always a choice you make. It is never about others.... The thing is... People in love forgive and forget, feel compassion. It makes love love. It makes people build dreams that last a lifetime. But to forgive is a choice, to look through eyes of compassion and love is a choice, and to forget is a choice... For reason or another she has chosen differently at some point in time, and it has allowed this massive lump of negativity to build within...You may have done mistakes, but she chose how to feel and respond into your mistakes.... When she felt wronged back then, should have been addressed back then. Letting it be and grow in the shadows...was her choice. A mistake she made (see, all make mistakes) that allowed a hurting, blistering wound to evolve... Right now you just existing in same space or universe is enough to trigger the hurt.

Three, hurt makes people do crazy stuff. You just want out of it, fast. Me, my W, you, your W. We all follow this hardwired instinct to survive....  The more you hurt, the less rational decisions you make.It's just inbuilt chemistry and hormones in us. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn are the four basic modes. You are now fighting, she is likely in flight mode...As long as the hurt is there, as long as the triggering happens, nothing really changes....We really cannot heal each others hurts or make them better or worse with our own behaviour. Because the only person we control is us....  So focus on yourself.  Because it is the only person you can change, fix,save and love as whole.

Please do understand that all this is slow process, and you two will travel separate roads for many years, possibly forever.  And all you control is you and how you respond to things not in your control.

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: July 15, 2020, 10:07:38 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

S
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It's not over - My Story
#11: July 16, 2020, 05:59:51 AM

Please do understand that all this is slow process, and you two will travel separate roads for many years, possibly forever.  And all you control is you and how you respond to things not in your control.

Thanks so much for the reply.  I'm a recovering control freak, it's one of the things I've been working on being better at so it's hard to relinquish control of my relationship entirely.  I do know it's a slow process, and TBH my wife and I have been traveling seperate paths for a few years now, I just didn't know it.  I'll get to that as I share more of my story and hopefully some insight as to if I'm correct or not.

She says she resents me, but when my smart contact is on point she's super kind and wants to be around me.....that is until OM invites her over.  Anyway, hope to have Part II of my story up later today
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#12: July 16, 2020, 06:31:06 AM
Hey Sasquatch,

I'm glad you found your way here  :D

So she broke 9 months ago? Or was it longer?

The talk about leaving is all fantasy. It could become real, but they just exist inside their own heads.
The less pressure on them helps them to settle down, and removes the drama that feeds the monster (but some monster is expected and in ways, healthy).
How are you doing with detaching? With not taking it personally? These may be strange questions, or even seen counter-productive, but they are essential for you and for her.

I see she's had a terrible past. Our W's share that in common, and it's very usual for women with these problems to go thru MLC. Very common.
She's going to have so many things to work thru, and they aren't easy to work on even without MLC. Understand this is going to be a long, painful process.
Very good your kids have you, they're going to need you like never before..... and you're going to need them like never before too.

What have you been doing thus far for GAL'ing? This is going to be very important. While the MLC is all about her, being a LBS is all about you and there's LOTS of work to be done.

Hang tough..... this is a hard road, but there is so much to be gained which is very positive. From the worst experience of your life, or being the best (if you let it).

-SS
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W - 39
M - 43
Together 25 years, M 22
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

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#13: July 16, 2020, 07:45:11 AM
Standing strong, thanks so much for the reply.  I think most of your questions will be answer shortly as I'm working on Part II of my story, and hopefully Part III will bring us up to current day and I can get some much needed insight and help understanding, etc etc.  I do have a decent understanding I've been researching for a month now but still not sure sometimes how I should be acting, what I should or shouldn't be doing, etc.

In any case.....stay tuned

-Squatch
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

S
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#14: July 16, 2020, 08:46:26 AM
Part II – The Descent to Hell

Now we get into the juicy stuff, and where I believe may be the actual start of her crisis.  Enter the year 2015…….

We already had 2 children at this point, the eldest a boy and then 5 years younger a girl.  We were content with that family but SURPRISE, lol.  So it was very unexpected and at times stressful to now have a 3rd child on the way, of course we wouldn’t change a thing about that now.  I was also still at my job that was causing me nearly daily panic attacks and was pretty inattentive to my wife.

Fast forward to early 2016 and my youngest son was born, it all went pretty well and that very same day I was offered a new job and gave my notice at my anxiety inducing job.  Things were looking up, or so I thought.  This next part was a very touchy subject for my wife, even kept it secret from most of her family so I’ll be intentionally vague – but months later she found out she’d need some relatively major surgery and it was something she really did not want to do.  But she did it, and this in my opinion is where it all began.

The surgery itself went well the Dr. informed me, but time was getting on and she wasn’t out of recovery.  Turned out they couldn’t get her pain under control (she has a very high tolerance to some drugs, it’s a genetic thing I keep meaning to research further).  Anyway, I insisted I see her…..she lied to me, said she was ok and to take the baby home for a while.  When I came back, she had been moved to ICU.  I brought the kids to see her, she looked exhausted…..we all teared up some and she lied again (mind you these were lies to protect me and the kids not selfish lies).  She said she was ok again and to go home and get some sleep as she was also very tired.  Well, she had on a brave face and later on I found out that her pain was so extreme and nothing was working that she actually “died” at least 5 or 6 times.  Apparently a combo of shock and drug overdose trying to control the pain.  She obviously was revived each time but she remembers it quite vividly as just slipping into nothingness.

So, in addition to that horrific ordeal that she wishes she never went through….the surgery made her feel less like a woman and even though we didn’t plan to have any more kids (I had gotten a vasectomy) she was upset at the thought that she literally couldn’t.  She was in pretty deep depression and one of the only times in our lives I’ve actually SEEN the depression.  She has a history of depression but normally hides it quite well.  I was not as attentive as I should have been and so probably contributed to the issue.  I lacked empathy and real feelings at the time, so while I cared deeply…I wasn’t showing it well.

Time went on, the topic would come up sometimes and she would say things like “I wish I had actually died” or “I should never have opted for that surgery”.  But other than that I thought WE were ok.  I was wrong, but I was caught up in my own anxiety issues, emotional blunting, etc that I never saw her struggling so hard.

I’m going to skip 2017 as nothing notable happened that I can remember, just her hiding her depression as usual and me thinking everything was ok just going through the motions of day to day life.  Enter late 2018….the first time she verbally expressed serious issues.  We took a trip together, it did not go all that well, we fought too much, didn’t spend any intimate time together, it was more like a couple besties hanging for the weekend.  Not long after this she started looking for more things to “feel happy”.  Up to this point she was looking to me I think to increase her feelings of happiness, and I missed ALL the signs.

Now she was looking outside of our relationship for her happiness.  She increased her drinking a little bit, but not enough that I was too concerned about it and started looking for new friends to hang out with, mostly Male.  She went through maybe 3 or 4 meetups but didn’t click with anyone that she wanted to be around until near the end of 2018.  She became pretty good friends with a guy from down state, he was a bit older, but was a bodybuilder and had a wife that had zero interest in him and they basically had an open marriage.  My W and him went out to dinner mostly, but also hung out at the beach or other stuff occasionally.  I’m 100% certain it was not physical, but I was SUPER jealous during this time and acted like a total ass and now in retrospect I can see that she was probably in an emotional affair, and she was monstering during this period as well (I had no idea what that was back then).  I took it as blame, and I reacted defensively most of the time which only increased the issue.

This continued well into 2019.  During the early days (late 2018) she said to me one night “I think this might just be a phase I need to get through”.   That’s been replaying in my mind lately.  She’s ALWAYS been very psychologically intuitive and I wonder if she’s known that she was going through something, she also quotes her surgery as a turning point where she reevaluated her life and decided she needed to be happy.  So anyway, things were tense during this time….she was constantly telling me I was pushing her away, she didn’t know how much longer she could do this, etc etc.  I was lost in my own emotional blunting but anger and jealousy came easy so that’s where I lived.  We were still intimate, in fact our sex life was really good but aside from that we were mostly roommates. I thought to myself, we have true love….this will blow over.
Then…..more trauma.  Late June 2019 my wife’s eldest half brother died unexpectedly as a result of a motorcycle accident.  As if that wasn’t bad enough on it’s own, there’s more.  First, I was not there for her as I should have been.  I was at times, but at times I was incredibly jealous that she was also confiding in her “new guy friend”.  I acted like a child, storming off, etc.  She went to be with her family for a week…..she’s the rock, she holds everyone up all the time.  So that’s what she did all week, spending her entire savings in the process.  So much so, that she didn’t grieve his death until Easter of 2020, she finally broke down and cried and shared some things with me. Anyway, when the tables are turned…..most of her family is too busy, broke, etc. to help.  They don’t seem to try very hard to reach out to her either.  Don’t get me wrong, they are great people and I love them dearly but I now know she holds resentment for this and feels like this is how it’s been her whole life.  That she exists in the background until somebody needs help or strength and that she’s the black sheep despite being probably the most responsible of them all.

I went up at the end of that week to be with them all and attend the celebration of life….the night I got there she was already drunk, which pissed me off and I reacted poorly to it.  This only made her want to drink more.  I’ve never ever seen her drink so much and it got to the point we almost took her to the hospital.  In the process……………….BOMB DROP.

Now, my bomb drop was different than a lot of peoples, it was like a “soft” bomb drop.  She told me she wasn’t in love with me anymore and verified it the next day while sober.  However, at this point she did not express wanting out of the relationship….only that she wanted the feelings to return and I needed to get my crap together basically.

I’ll break here and return with Part III – Nuclear Detonation…..

By now, you’ve come to realize I’m long winded……kudos to anyone that makes it this far.  Talk soon!

~Squatch
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#15: July 17, 2020, 06:26:26 AM
Part III – Nuclear Detonation

In my last post I shared that I’d been told by my wife whom I’d known for nearly 20 years at this point, that she was no longer in love with me.  It cut deep, BUT I was confident it was a temporary feeling and partially driven by all the turmoil.  I knew that deep down we’d always been deeply in love and I guess I took for granted that it doesn’t just stay that way forever without any work.

The next few months weren’t getting any better, she was going to dinner more often with her guy friend and I thought I was trying…I was listening to people like Les Brown, Jim Rohn, Tony Robbins, I was working towards trying to be self employeed (a long time goal of mine) and had hopes of moving to an area with more to do (a complain my wife has had since moving here) and I was working out more as I was in nearly the worst shape of my life and my wife was in the best shape she’d been in for a long time.  I THOUGHT I was doing all the right things and I just needed time.  First, I was NOT doing the right things and also she was monstering sometimes even though I didn’t know that’s what it was.  She’d break down and cry, I’d feel bad, she’d say she didn’t think she could do this much longer, on an on.

At one point she told me, if things aren’t better by the time she graduated college in April….”I’m not sure I can stick around.” But then on November first we were having a bit of a squabble over text and she dropped the Atomic Bomb – We’re done.  I left work, rushed home….tried to talk through it but she’d made up her mind and said she already felt like a huge weight had been lifted.  At this point, she said she still had some hope but we had to start over and she had to fall in love again.

During this period I didn’t do a lot of the RIGHT things, and far to much begging, pleading, trying to convince.  Meanwhile she was going out with her friends on occasion and getting hammered, and also really trying to convince me to find a girlfriend.  She had gotten on dating apps not too long after telling me we were done.  She was talking mostly, but started going on a date or two.  Think she met up with maybe 2 or 3 guys at that point but nothing stuck.  Then just after the turn of the year, she went on a date with a guy……I now refer to him as OM.  In retrospect I think she fell into limerence almost immediately as he opened up on their first date about his own issues with his wife cheating on him and he had kicked her out. 

A week later she returned very late from a date with him at his house….I let my anxiety eat away at me, and I lost my cool accusing her of having sex and saying things like I hope this is worth it.  She VERY calmly said to me – well, I’ve made my final decision there’s no more hope for us.

At this point I was still taking ALL the blame, and yes I deserved to take some of it.  I never addressed my anxiety issues or realized the medication I was on was causing emotional blunting and a whole set of issues on its own.  This was my turning point, I had basically hit rock bottom or so I thought.  The next day I made a doctors appt. to review my meds, I started going to counseling, and it was a Looooooong road for me.  For a solid 3 months I was waking up to panic attacks every day, my anxiety was through the roof.  Meanwhile my wife was having the time of her life with OM saying she’s never been treated so good, going there every chance she got and in the meantime I was in a state of depression I’d never felt before.  When she was gone, I literally slept……I was functional enough to keep my kids alive and well and that was it.

I was also still doing A LOT of the wrong things, but I did start looking into things like Marriage Helper and started learning all I could about my situation (which I still thought was mostly my fault).  I started to realize I needed to focus on improving myself for me first and others would benefit.  I was trying to learn smart contact but what I didn’t realize is she would draw me into fights and then monster like crazy.  This went on for months, but one night she pushed my buttons so much that I did something out of character that I’m ashamed of and NOW I’d hit rock bottom.  I was very aggressive (did not lay a finger on her) and said some very inappropriate things, I don’t even know who I was.  But she had compared me to her dad and I just lost it.  She got physical with me, just enough to shove me out of the bedroom aggressively and slam the door.  She told me she’d be gone in the morning.  I called out from work the next day and spent the ENTIRE day on the couch, alone, in silence. I couldn’t even look in the mirror.

She went about her day and that evening she approached me and said “I can’t hate you, you’re my best friend” and she also said “I won’t move back home, I’d rather die”.  I’ve been on an upward trajectory ever since but have made my fastest progress since learning that I’ve most likely been dealing with an MLC for years and this wasn’t all about my screw ups like I’d thought.  Still, her grievances carried weight and are things I’m continuing to work on….being a control freak, letting my anxiety rule me, using the four horseman….etc.

Monstering continued, I let her draw me in so very easily.  My smart contact was improving, but only slightly.  The biggest difference during this time is during our fights I stayed much more calm, and often times told her I refused to fight and didn’t attend.  Then some people started suggesting to me that maybe what I’m dealing with is a MLC.  I immediately thought of the bald guy in the red corvette with the 20 something girlfriend.  I was like, naaaa she seems very sure of what she wants and OM is the same age and in some ways even similar to me.  But as I learned what MLC REALLY is, I think I have a text book case on my hands, but I’ll let you all be the judge of that. 

In retrospect I think this was triggered by her surgery but she was trying to deal with it in quiet, she’s a fighter, she always has been.  But now I can see the slow progression over the past few years and the death of her brother and all the turmoil surrounding it coupled with my poor actions and jealousy pushed her right off the edge.

Ok, I’m going to leave this one at this point.  I’ll be back with 1 more to bring us to current day Part IV – The epiphany

~Squatch
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 06:52:45 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#16: July 17, 2020, 07:31:59 AM
Quote
opened up on their first date about his own issues with his wife cheating on him and he had kicked her out. 
This leapt out at me. If this is true OM is a) stupid or b) disordered or c) into revenge sex to hurt his xw
No one who has been cheated on by a spouse and knows the gut-wrenching pain of it could knowingly sleep with someone else's wife unless they were frankly not healthy or a bit of a pos.....either way your w chose poorly.... ::)

Will look forward to next instalment, Squatch....ah if only folks like you and me got paid by the word right?  :)
But seriously, I hope that sharing your story is also helping you focus your own thinking and priorities
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#17: July 17, 2020, 09:02:01 AM
Remember Treasur, we have no idea what she told OM or how she has painted Sasquatch to him. I heard the lies my H was telling about me to someone on the phone. Someone who didn't know me well might have believed them. (No one who knew me would ever believe them)

Sasquatch, I hope you have learned that the MLCER goes for the places they know they can hurt you the most so they can justify their monstering. Your reactions may not have been what you were pround of, but they were understandable since you had no idea she was trying to create a situation where she could MAKE you into the bad guy. Unless you had zero feelings at all, most people react with defensiveness when attacked. Good on you that you are working on better contact methods.
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 09:03:16 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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#18: July 17, 2020, 09:32:12 AM
Very good point, OR.
The one thing we do know is that these folks lie - to us, to others, to themselves.....
I still remember the point (sometime in 2017 I think) when I realised that my then h was lying so much about so much that it was simply impossible to have any kind of sensible conversation with him about anything at all. It was bizarre to me but self evidently how things were bc either what he said made no sense or the actual facts would come out some other way. I have never really understood his need to lie so much.....but it was a kind of relief to accept that anything he said was simply not reliable at all unless there was some independent verification  ::). I suspect he lied to a lot of people about a lot of things, maybe even lied so much that he kind of believed it lol. Exhausting to deal with though so I was glad when I stopped  :) Bc in my case my then h erased our mutual friends/family too - who were all as shellshocked as me - I have never heard his story of my many 'sins' that ruined his life and warranted death threats ha ha, but I'm sure he told plenty. And ironically picked an ow who he found out lied to him....and then married her anyway....so perhaps they are actually very well suited  ::)

I'm not sure why but it does seem to be true more often than not that the ow/om they pick are rarely decent healthy kinds of humans though. Probably something about the nature of the shared fantasy narrative that goes along with any kind of affair I guess. Bc making a pretty love story off the back of deceit, betrayal, disrespect and emotional abuse requires a fair bit of creativity lol.

OR is quite right too about forgiving yourself for your reactions when you are being manipulated, gaslit and abused.....which most LBS are for a little while at least. Bc they do know us well enough to know the buttons that work. Changing how/if we interact with them is really the only way to break that pattern and to protect ourselves. Oh and teaching our brain to care less and less about their opinion of us or anything else important I suppose which just takes a little time.
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« Last Edit: July 17, 2020, 09:35:41 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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#19: July 17, 2020, 11:04:24 AM
I appreciate very much the replies.....to reference the gaslighting and button pushing, I can see that now clear as day.  I had no idea about MLC at the time, I've only just really dove into it in the last 4 weeks.  Wish I had realized a couple years ago that this was the path we were headed down.  I'm still ashamed of how I acted....I won't share the details but I've never lost control like that I think I may have even blacked out momentarily.

In reference to OM, my wife was VERY open at the beginning of THEIR relationship with me....too open. I had to put a boundary in place for that as it was hurting me more than it was worth to be her safe place.  From what I've gathered she doesnt' bad mouth me to him at all, in fact she had a nice conversation with me on the phone last weekend right in front of him.  HOWEVER, she told me that she informed him we were 100% done with zero chance of reconciling barring a literal miracle.  In addition, he suffers from PTSD, has had 2 serious relationships in which he was cheated on, and who knows what other issues he may have.  I won't get into details about him at this point as it's not super important, I don't compare myself to him anymore 99% of the time anyway.

Also, yes writing out and sharing my story and especially interacting about it is for sure therapeutic for me, this is the first time I've gotten it all in one place all together beginning to current.  I was fearful because if my wife ever found it.....there would never be reconciliation.  She hasn't forgiven her mother for sharing some private info about her years ago.  I hope that's the type of attitude she's able to work through in this crisis, I've learned that forgiving is for you, not the other person.

Ok, stay tuned....might be a day or two for the final installment, or might be tonight...I dunno I kinda fly by the seat of me pants sometimes. 

And yes, how can I paid by the word?  LOL
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

 

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