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Author Topic: My Story It's not over - My Story

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My Story It's not over - My Story
#20: July 20, 2020, 08:44:24 AM

Part IV - The Epiphany

So for months I struggled with getting my anxiety under control, working on myself, and furiously reading and learning all I could about marriage and relationships.  I became part of the marriage helper community and it was incredibly helpful but at times just didn't seem like things were quite lining up.  It was all solid advice and alot of it was and is the right thing to do but something was different in my situation and I just wasn't seeing it.

Finally a fellow member messaged me some info on MLC as she thought it appeared to be what was going on.  At first I was a tad skeptical, my wife has always been brutally honest, straightforward, and transparent so I figured, there's no way she doesn't mean what she says and I was accepting of the fact I had caused issues in the relationship.  So anyway I started to research and participate in the MLC community and as I learned I started having some SERIOUS "AHA" moments.  How could my seemingly so unique situation be documented by so many other people, alot of the things my wife was saying and doing had been mirrored by others.

This was maybe 4-6 weeks ago and while things are largely the same, I've started making some adjustments.  Before I had verified MLC I wasn't quite being the Lighthouse I should have been, everyone was telling me....cut her off, go strict smart contact, let her miss you, etc.  Some people even suggested I kick her out (which I can't legally do anyway).  However, I just never felt like this was the right approach and it was hard for me to avoid her as she often sought me out for conversation and such.  So I loosened up smart contact.....now that doesnt' mean I started talking about our relationship or anything, but I started just being my normal friendly self as long as she was also being friendly.

4th of July weekend OM was out of town and she spent the weekend with me and the kids.  This weekend almost feels like a milestone of sorts.  During the long weekend there were 2 nights that we sat in the living room and talked for HOURS.  1 night was mostly about me and why I'm a people pleaser and a bit about my mom and divorce etc.  (my wife is very intuitive with psychological things such as this even though she has no training, she's also an empath).  So anyway, the other night we talked about her mostly.  Alot of what we talked about I already knew as we had always shared openly in our marriage but there were added details, a few new stories, and the big thing was that she told me she had unlocked some memories just prior to her brother's death.  She told me that she's taking those memories to her grave and will never tell anyone as she doesn't want anyone's pity.  But she eluded to what it was, I had suspected in the past these things but she said she really doesn't ever remember that happening.  Well, my hear heart just sank to the floor.  I tried not to show pity, I knew she didnt' want that so I just showed some compassion and kept the conversation moving.

We also had alot of fun that weekend, me and her hung out on the new back deck I just built had some drinks, ordered pizza, she challenged me to do a flip in the trampoline and well I can't back down from that.....she coaxed me into going into the pool with the kids, and overall July 4th was great.....right up til it wasn't.  She monstered HARD at something that caught me off guard.  I mean hard, not sure if this was the worst one ever, but it was close.  She'd been drinking and she tried to leave, she said she had to go but I took her keys and locked her car.  After about an hour of talking off and on and me being mostly calm I felt comfortable enough that she was sober enough to drive and I relinquished the keys as she was still pushing to leave.  She went for a ride for maybe 20 minutes, came home and sat in the driveway for another 20 minutes with the music blaring, then came in and got a beer and her speaker and sat on the porch playing music.  Wasn't long that she was talking to me a little bit and eventually I ended up sitting out there with her and then she was dancing (she loves to dance) and was trying to get me to join (I do not love to dance, lol)  I couldn't understand this at ALL and that made it hard for me to enjoy what was going on.  a few hours prior I was literally the spawn of satan to her, and now she wanted me to have fun and dance with her?

This was a missed oppurtunity for me for sure, but the evening still went well.  Well enough that the next day she said to me "After you were done being mean to me and I was able to clear my head, I had a really nice night with a friend".  I mean I hate hearing that I'm her "friend" but that was still nice to hear.

During that next week she monstered a little bit again, but I was noticing MUCH faster recoveries.  I mean on the 4th, that sorta fight would have warranted days of silence, or at least A DAY.  This was hours, and now at times it's even faster.  July 11th was my birthday and she went to OM's for the weekend.  but she wrote to me early that morning to wish me happy b-day and was texting off and on.  Then this past week she was really friendly, we had a pretty darn good week honestly.  No fights, she hung around me instead of hiding in her room.  One night she was on phone with OM late, and I don't think it was a real good conversation but next day it was like nothing happened.  Then again thursday night she was texting away, gets up from couch and says - All men suck, and proceeds to goto her room and watch tv and drink a bottle of champagne til 3am.  Then the next day she went to OM's for the weekend.  She's back now and at work, but her client is sleeping so she's bored and texting me.

So, you're all caught up.  There's plenty of things that have happened all mixed in there as I'm sure you can all relate, but I tried to just pick out some things that stick out in MY mind.  She seems so adament that she's so much happier with OM, but at the same time she seeks out interaction with me CONSTANTLY and even when I've basically suggested maybe we can't be friends.....the next day it's like we never had that discussion.

I feel like I really need to focus on being the Lighthouse for her, and PIES for me.  She's felt pushed aside and abandoned her whole life even though she's been the strong one that steps up and takes care of stuff.  So, I think I need to stay true to myself and be kind, be steady, and as understanding as I can be.  Of course I also somehow need to continue to detach particularly any control (I'm a recovering control freak).

I'd love to hear some input on what you all think.  I'm 99% sure this is classic MLC, but that 1% NAGS at me saying - no you were just a crappy husband and that's why she wanted out.  Also, do you think my assumption is correct that she's been slowing slipping into this for a few years now?  I do think the surgery is what kicked this off and then it went into overdrive when her brother died and I wasn't acting very well during that year.

Thank you so much for any and all input (sorry for the novel).  This has helped me so much, the learning, the sharing, and the feedback are invaluable to me.

~Squatch



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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

S
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It's not over - My Story
#21: July 22, 2020, 06:39:44 AM
The past couple of weeks she's been reaching out to me more at home, through text, and even when at OM's house.  But at the same time it seems that she loves to remind me of what I can't have.  Detachment is incredibly difficult for me, I'm moving myself to loving from a distance and trying to not let her actions affect me so much, but at the same time I find my mood instantly shifts when she mentions leaving for the weekend.  I start to think to myself - well if it's so great there, just stay over there (it's 1.5 hrs away, and he doesn't seem to want that).  But that's me trying to regain some control and that's where my own personal growth has come into play.  These are the types of comments I would have just spewed forth a year ago or even 6 months ago.  I still feel the urge, but keep them contained 80% or more of the time.

Also - here's something a tad curious.  Last night she mentioned to me something about cleaning the couch, I said - well I work 40 hrs, keep up on the house, take care of the kids, I don't always get to everything.  So she said - well I was just pointing out some of the things I used to do.

Why does she even care?  She wants to move out, she runs to OM's every chance she gets.  Is she trying to remind me that I "need" her still, is she seeing that I CAN run this house by myself if I need to.  I dunno, I'm an over thinker and I try not to Psycho analyze her because I'd drive myself nuts....but little things like this have been more and more often while the monstering has been turned way down for over 2 weeks now.

Edited to add - Last night she shared with me a post she saw on Facebook that said something to the effect of "women base thier view of men on their fathers" and then she said - Maybe that's been my issue, all my boyfriends in high school were crappy and cheated on me, etc.  (ok so I've already known this is probably why, and even this current guy has a similar stature to her father and is kinda a butthole).  I'm hoping this is part of her process, that it's helping her tame some of her demons.  BTW - I'm practically polar opposite from her father and when we met she basically said I was different from all her previous BF's and she wanted to try something different.   20 years was a good run.

~Squatch
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« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 06:43:05 AM by Sasquatch »
"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

S
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It's not over - My Story
#22: July 24, 2020, 11:52:46 AM
Kind of a big update here.  Last weekend it didn't sound like things went that well between W and OM, then all week long she went without a phone call from him which is odd.  Long story short - He broke up with her OVER TEXT this morning while she was at work.  She is SO angry, she said they agreed to only talk relationship stuff in person.  She unloaded on him, called him a coward, etc.  He also used the cliche' it's not you it's me (in different words).

So she's mostly angry right now, but I'm sure also sad.  I've been a safe place for her today, mostly just listening and trying not to offer any opinions or anything.  Things have been pretty decent between us for the past 2 weeks, no monstering or fighting, very little disagreements and she spends time around me.  She just went back to work, but she sat in the den with me for most of the time she was home.

However, as she rambled on and I just listened I couldn't help but feel that she was feeding me stuff to remind me she has no interest in being here still.  I really didn't engage at all even though i could feel emotions rising.  At one point she did say - Everyone in my life takes me for granted and I replied "well not everyone" to which she responded "well, you used to".   That was about as snarky as I got the whole time.

So I guess if anyone has some insight on what to expect at this point......I've suspected that shes on the back end of replay for a while and has showed SOME signs of withdrawal also but just not getting my hopes about any of that.  I know i'm gonna probably hurt myself here with some added hope, but it is what it is.  I've detached more than I had been.

I think I just need to stay the course, keep doing what I have been, but might be helpful to know what to typically expect right now?
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"Sometimes things have to go very wrong, Before they can be right"

Me - 39
W - 37
3 kids, S15, D11, S4
BD - July, 2019 (I love you, not in love with you). 11/1/2019 - Said she was done with me.
Still live together, nothing filed, she is adamant she's trying to move out as quick as possible.

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It's not over - My Story
#23: July 24, 2020, 12:20:05 PM
Kind of a big update here.  Last weekend it didn't sound like things went that well between W and OM, then all week long she went without a phone call from him which is odd.  Long story short - He broke up with her OVER TEXT this morning while she was at work.  She is SO angry, she said they agreed to only talk relationship stuff in person.  She unloaded on him, called him a coward, etc.  He also used the cliche' it's not you it's me (in different words).

So she's mostly angry right now, but I'm sure also sad.  I've been a safe place for her today, mostly just listening and trying not to offer any opinions or anything.  Things have been pretty decent between us for the past 2 weeks, no monstering or fighting, very little disagreements and she spends time around me.  She just went back to work, but she sat in the den with me for most of the time she was home.

However, as she rambled on and I just listened I couldn't help but feel that she was feeding me stuff to remind me she has no interest in being here still.  I really didn't engage at all even though i could feel emotions rising.  At one point she did say - Everyone in my life takes me for granted and I replied "well not everyone" to which she responded "well, you used to".   That was about as snarky as I got the whole time.

So I guess if anyone has some insight on what to expect at this point......I've suspected that shes on the back end of replay for a while and has showed SOME signs of withdrawal also but just not getting my hopes about any of that.  I know i'm gonna probably hurt myself here with some added hope, but it is what it is.  I've detached more than I had been.

I think I just need to stay the course, keep doing what I have been, but might be helpful to know what to typically expect right now?

While its great news that she broke up with OM, try to hold no expectations.   Remember that he wasn't the root of her issues, he was just a distraction so that she avoids dealing with her own issues.

She may take some time to work on herself, and keep you at a distance, she may just hop right back into the dating apps and try to find a new one.  We dont know your MCL'er, but we know you as an LBS, and you need to keep your focus on you.
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

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Re: It's not over - My Story
#24: July 24, 2020, 12:42:37 PM
Drop any and all expectations. A lot of us experienced many break up/ make up scenarios with the alienators and our MLCers. Even if they do stay broken up, those feelings aren't going to fade fast for her. Hands off, look away, and focus on you. Though...as memory serves...it did feel pretty good to see it happen, when it did. Just don't get overly involved.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

 

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