[5hilmerton]

Hey Alvin,
very sorry to hear about your father.  Very happy you got to see him one last time. Glad you are finding your happy life.

5hil

[AlvinTheMaker]

Journaling...

My father passed away peacefully last week... Emotionally I seem to be more than okey with it. Memories of good shared moments bouncing up randomly, and then I feel grateful (and have shed a few happy tears as well). What annoys me a bit is when some expect I should feel deeply sorrowfull; but I guess everyone is echoing their own memories and stuff.

The past week has been long because there has been so much to do with the funeral and paperwork. But all is finally beginning to shape up...
It seems none of my fathers family is coming to the funeral. It is bit of a d!ck move from my uncles - especially as in the beginning many of them showed interest and I did spend some resources on the planning side. Not really sure what triggered them not coming; maybe some were hoping for a big old fashioned family reunion funeral with feasty memorial, and what we organized was plain and small (due to covid, budget, timelines...). Definitely a loss for everyone, but eventually life goes on. On the positive side, I have reconnected with two of my cousins, and did spend a lovely catch up evening with one yesterday.


Alvin.

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry that your father has passed but I'm glad that you are at peace with it.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Journaling....today I was reminded that cutting ties to old life is slow, slow, slow process.  Especially if you let the MLCr handle the cutting.

The mailman delivered an utility bill addressed to me. Nothing special, except it was redirected from home I moved out 13+ months back. And the invoicer was company xW works for And the invoice was sent to 'owner of estate'  .

After I had stopped laughing to irony of universe, I sent an WhatsApp message to xW with photo of  invoice and cover letter.  She wrote back pretty quickly that they do not get estate ownership records automatically, and admitted she had forgotten to notify, and would take care of it ASAP.  Time will tell if a year from now I will receive a similar bill again

Alvin

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Alvin,
Thanks for sharing and making me laugh today.  I’m sure I will have similar experiences down the road.

HF

[AlvinTheMaker]

Time for a brief update....

Life's been giving some ups and downs....

With new year I have started to stabilize and build financials.   Last year was.... well, I did spend a LOT more than I earned.  Funerals, move, going to doc, seeking a new job - all were huge money pits.  Pretty much all the money that came from XW buying my share of our family home was spent on building a new life. My goal for the 2022 is to re-establish a buffer of 20-30K, and then continue it for few more years.  Of course a lot of it depends whether or not I pass the trial period at my current position (this is the last month of trial  - so far all seems good, but if MLC taught me something it is not to keep anything for granted).

I have been spending some more time on self-study, reading some more psychology books and articles (not just relationships, but on wider spectrum).  It is something that I enjoy a lot.... I think I am finally beginning to understand where my random bouts of anxiety root from, and the chicken-vs-egg syndrome that is feeding the phenomenan.   A lot of it relates to fact that I am very sensitive to physical pain. And the more stressed I am, the more my body feels.  And this creates a kind of "loop" filled with anxiety that I try to escape from with various distractions (like walking around)...  I truly doubt there would be cure for it, but at least I can now try to live with it more mindfully.  And maybe I can try some healthier distractions (like cold bag of beans)  instead of unhealthy ones (like eating sweets).... Anyway, one tiny step at a time towards the best version of me.

Kids are mostly ok. I do talk and keep contact with all of them at least once a  week; and the younger kids did spent a Christmas at our place... G22 is doing well apart of thinking that she is immune to COVID.  I hope and pray she does not learn the truth the hard way.....  G21 is still strugling with depression and insomnia. The good news is she is having proper mental health care, so the outcome is positive.... G17 got sick right before the holiday, so she did spent the holidays with XW. ...G14 is going through some teenage hickkup.  Not really sure  what else to do than listen and watch over that she does not do anything stupid .... S8 is all okey and happy.

It seems ms.H is struggling with Stepmom Outsider Syndrome.  I was expecting some family integration issues to show up, but boy was I in for a surprise when she opened up how strongly she feels it.  It seems a lot of falls down to non-existing relationship with G14 who is behaving like angry teenager.  Having learned my lessons from MLC, I mindfully try to avoid the fixer syndrome and instead have suggested some family therapy for blended families.   All in all I am beginning to understand why 70-80% of blended family startups crash and burn within the first few years.  Stepmom outsider syndrome can be a really tough patch.  If I had not been through MLC and learned the skills I learned, I likely would not have been able to cope with it.  Now I am feeling relaxed and focus on doing things that support the end game I prefer.....    If thinking outside the box, I wonder if the "outsider syndrome" plays some role also in how many MLCr affairs crash and burn.

XW... Not much to tell.  Apart that S8 fired an accidental truth dart (without even being aware of what he did). And it was a glorious blasting hit right into XWs poor heart   

Alvin

[FaithWalker]

Great to read an update ATM

I hope that you can realize your financial goals this year.  Sounds like a good plan.

Sorry to hear about the hiccup with new wifey struggling with S.O.S.  Definitely with time and patience and a realization for the kids that she's not going anywhere will help.  I would imagine it takes time, lots of time.  Sounds like you are approaching it wisely.

[AlvinTheMaker]

I was exchanging few messages with Standing Strong the other day, and he asked how I was doing and if I had any news to share. 

Well, life's good.  If you don't account that both I and ms. H had COVID, which was followed by some health issues (for both of us). But I guess it was good rehearsal act of "in sickness and in health" for the two of us.  Both of us looked and loved after each other like you should in serious relationship.  And both of us were able to vanish some demons of the past because of the long talks we had.

On the upside, summer vacations are already on the plans.  I managed to book my two weeks of holidays same time as ms.H.  If things go as planned, we all  likely go visit my brother on the side of country and enjoy the nature there.  At the same I need to kick off the sales of piece of farm land I inherited from my father...  Me and ms.H have slowly been working up on the wedding.  Still some 13 months to go, but possibly the biggest obstacle of uncertain finances is now tackled.   Ms.H finally had success in selling her old apartment.  It was no financial triump, but at least she was able to pay remaining mortgage and get enough money to fund her half of the wedding.

I have been slowly restoring one of my old hobbies.   Within the past few months I have bought like 6 or 7 graphic novels (that is fancy adult talk for comic book, LOL), and allowed myself to enjoy the moment with things I have always loved.  It feels uncanny pleasing to sit back, smell the ink and enjoy a good plot...  And since winter is once again gone, I have contined nature photography I started at BD. It has definitely become a good way to "spark" my creativity visually....  Sadly my biggest & dearest "old hobby" is still aside. I really don¨t know if the loss of spark is just temporary, or is it because of life keeping me too busy.

I totally missed the three year anniversary of my BD.  I guess it is a sign that I have genuinely dropped the rope. Life is here and now;  I don't remiscince the past with XW much these days.  The very limited communication we have is mostly about the logistics on delivering kids  from A to B; or about acute health issues kids have.  I am still bit so-and-so on whether or not to call this thing we have co-parenting or just two parents sharing the same kids every now and then. I get absolutely no info on childrens activities or milestones from her; it all has to come through kids.   For example when kids were visiting us for easter, they told they would be going abroad for quick holiday trip with XW, no consent of mine was asked.  Needless to say that would have been a direct violation of our parenting agreement, and on worst scenario the kids would have been trapped on border.... I just printed out the required documentation and asked kids to give it to XW.  Maybe XW asks my consent next time, maybe not...  I do feel I miss a big part of my childrens life because of the way she acts.  All in all I do find this being the saddest part of MLC experience.

As for kids...   The younger kids did spent the easter with me and ms.H   It was fun, except that it was over way too soon.  Possibly my biggest worry is my youngest teenager girl.  Not really sure if it the teenage years or somethig more sinister, but I do feel like I am losing touch with her.   And what I have talked about this with her siblings, they all get the same treatment....  And my oldest gal came to spend a weekend with us last week.  I think it was something like 15 months since we last met physically. It was very nice.... I hope that this "COVID-filled" life would slowly be over, but what I was reading the news earlier today it seems a new, even more catchy variant is coming again. Sigh.... but I am grateful for even the little time I do get with my family. 

That's all this time...
Alvin

PS.  Oh, and one of the acquintances I made from local divorce group has been entering MLC (for the second time).  The bombdrop was about two weeks back; she left behind a very good man and 6yo princess and started escaping....   Looking at her progress, hearing the stories she tells.... well, bat$h!te crazy is still very apt term.  She is a tormented soul looking at a world through very distorted lens, trying to find inner peace from things that cannot bring it.... Though it is very sad, the blessing of it all is that it makes me realize that my bat$h!te crazy experience with XW was... well, bat$h!te crazy.

[Standing Strong]

Alvin!! 

What a nice update....... and a marriage? Wow. That's amazing. I hope Mrs. H knows how lucky she is. 

Seems like life is just swirling around you..... how marvelous.

So happy for you 

-SS

[5hilmerton]

Hey Alvin,
great update and so very glad to read.  I often think about u, you were one who offered your words of wisdom and guidance as i started this Journey.  Wishing you the very best with your future plans.

5hil