[terra]

Hello Alvin, good to see you are on the upswing and planning nuptials with Ms. H.

From a mother’s perspective, and a once-divorced and twice-jettisoned one, if you are contented with your current partner, please do not personally acknowledge Mother’s Day to your xw. Let it go.

If the kids want to acknowledge xw for this occasion, that’s proper — she’s their mother. Support them but keep your signature and sentiment out of it. I understand this may feel difficult if you previouslyi  or always enjoyed celebrating her motherhood when she was your wife (I enjoyed Father’s Day for both h and xh), but she is no longer your w, and was/is mother only to your kids.

Let the woman in your life be the woman in your life. We are not obliged, when someone leaves us, to honor them on assigned days, or even at all. And in current relationships or even new marriages, we may find that it’s sticky or thorny or problematic if we insist on those honorings or acknowledgments of the importance of the past, or exes.

I don’t think the children are expecting you to still celebrate their mother this way. If it makes sense — even a text or WhatsApp message to her on the day is a step outside what you are cultivating with Ms. H. It’s ok to nurture your current partnership and your direct relationships with your children and to let the past fall away.

It’s good to see you, glad things are going well.

[Standing Strong]

Alvin 

I was wondering how you were. Sounds like life has kept on rolling. 

So glad you're doing so well. Wow, two years and then probably getting hitched again....... life does continue on. 

-SS

[AlvinTheMaker]

Wow, two years and then probably getting hitched again....... life does continue on. 

So it does

And thanks for chiming in, terra. 

Alvin.

[AlvinTheMaker]

Time for update...

The parenting turns have rotated once again a full 180 degrees for the summer, and the kids are now spending most of their with me and ms. H.

We just returned from the first 'new family' road trip.  As to be expected it was lots of fun.  I had a possibility to see my father and brother live after 2 years of COVID lockdowns (and first time post divorce). Man, have they both aged a lot (and they did have a good laugh with my beard)....  All in all it seems like the timing of our visit was spot on, as earlier today my father was rushed into hospital because of not feeling good.  Hoping and praying for the best, preparing for the worst.   Whatever happens I am very happy that we were able to make this trip, and ms.H was able to meet my family.

There was a funny XW related 'unmet expectation' on the way back.... The plan was to drop the kids to XW for couple of days (as agreed in parenting deal).  For this to happen we had to make additional detour of 6+ hours .  I was kind of expecting the XW to say hello or thanks or  whatever, but nope.  Zero sign of her. So we just dropped the kids and continued our journey back home.

Life with kids... lets say the much antipicated 'adopting into new home' (once again) issues have raised their ugly head. 

G14 seems pretty happy with everything and is exploring the surroundings like she had lived most of her life here.  She seems quite mature  and ready for flying out of the nest anytime (and she has expressed to both XW and me a wish of her own flat  later this year).

G12 is trying to raise "I don't have anything (=friends) here" card, and would prefer to spend all her time on sofa or bed exploring social media or telly, or reading books.  She's also has had a couple of 'teenager tantrums' and is falling behind of her school assigment for the summer.... All of this was to be expected, and I've made a decision not to push her any way, but instead have been addressing the issues calmly and letting her face the consequences.  In the end what she does or does't do defines how exiting or boring or good  or miserable her life becomes.  It's a bit of tough parenting/love, but in the end her life will not improve until she gets the lesson.  But it's all up to her when she gets it (if at all).

S5 is sailing somewhere in between the G14 and G12. He's trying to gain more telly/mobile time by saying 'there's nothing to do' (following footsteps of G12), but is very much enjoying life by the sea (following footsteps of G14) and various playgrounds.   I've been trying to put quite a lot of time in the groundwork, exploring boundaries for safe outdoor roaming without adult supervision with him.   

Kids have shared some bits of their life at XW. It's not all roses neither....  Not so surprisingly 'single parenting in country house' is no easy task, ands kids are in the fallout zone.  There's lots more homework for everyone these days and basically being at my place feels like a 'holiday' (as I do most of the cooking and cleaning anyway);  large part of the yard has fallen back into natural state as nobody has got the time to take care of it,; and kids spends quite a lot of time either on their own or at some neighbhour while XW is at work / telecommuting.... I think I chose well for not wanting to fight over the old family home.

What makes me very happy is seeing ms.H being involved in the family, and becoming even more involved.  And it's great that apart of G12 my kids are opening up to her.   I acknowledge this is going to be a lengthy process, likely with some back-and-forth movement.  But one small step at a time.

Last but not least I'm in middle of career change.  As some may remember, way back in december I lost my job and fell back into running my own business.   As my current client project is now succesfully ending, I've been prospecting job markets for open positions at my field. I sent out 15 job applications,  A third of them went with no response whatsoever,  another third was rejected pre-interviews, but the rest where I have been able to get my foot in...  I am now offered one 'head of'-level position,  and three other companies have placed a 'claim' that they would like to see me join them....   Having learned that things can change in heartbeat even if they seem/feel fireproof I'm not celebrating anything before I got a job contract in black-n-white signed in front of me.  But so far so good.

Alvin

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sounds like normal life.

Kids have shared some bits of their life at XW. It's not all roses neither.... 

Of course not. My ex discovered that the single life is hard work and that having a full time job is not all play. Now, I had my adjustments to make when I was on my own, but I had three years of training as I was on my own during her crisis. Just like you, I did the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids while she hung out on the computer and playing around with OM.

What makes me very happy is seeing ms.H being involved in the family, and becoming even more involved. 

Yes, I didn't have to worry about this one as my children and her children were teens when I started dating again and by the time we married, they were all young adults. We get along well, but it was not the same as being in a situation of raising children together. More now of the advise and let them live with the consequences of their choices.

Last but not least I'm in middle of career change.

Same here. I was out of work for a few months, but I am back to work and everything is going well. You sound good and embracing your life. Take care of the children, enjoy Mrs. H, and live well.

Have an amazing weekend,

(((((Ready))))

[FaithWalker]

Great update A!

[AlvinTheMaker]

Just to share (and record) a very good article:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-anger-iceberg/

Alvin

[Standing Strong]

Hey Alvin 

Sounds great!! All kinds of good things happening, I'm thrilled for you 

Life just keeps on trucking!!

-SS

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Very good article. I am reading on trauma and decisions making processes and even when we think we are in our rational state, our emotions still deeply influence our thought process and the decisions we make.

Keep going strong,

(((((Ready)))))

[AlvinTheMaker]

Journaling....  The ups and downs of 'post-MLC' life  continue.

On the upside...I got hired for the 'head of' position' and will start the work in two weeks time.   Next pit stop is making  through the 6 month probationary period.  If and when this sticks, it is gonna warrant a somewhat major income increase on my part, so it will be interesting to see if XW tries to negotiate a new alimoney deal or will she stick with the 'voluntary' thingie that has served us well so far. 

On the downside... my father's health continues to worsen and I just got news he is transferred into terminal care.  I will be addressing the issue later tonight with the children.   As we are thousand miles away with COVID once again rampaging, there's sadly no way we could physically say farewell. But at leat my fathers brother (also my godfather) can visit by his bed in these final days... I have already acknowledged XW about the news and said kids will need her support too in coming weeks.

One step at a time.
Alvin