Journaling....
Well, the genie is now out of the bottle... Kids now know divorce is unavoidable, and they've been explained what the changes mean on practical level, and what it is coming.
STBXW's approach to whole event was very cold: "your father wanted me to come and stay, and say this thing that should be so obvious to all you. We're divorcing"... She did express some comfort to kids when they went emotional, but othewise she was very icy.
As to be expected, G12 and G16 had figured it out what was coming. But still, G16 had somewhat strong (tears´+crying) emotional reaction over number of changes happening. And G12 was worried of some things. And S5 did grieve the part where it came obvious that he would not see his best friend next summer to same extend as now. I tried to address all those concerns to best of my ability as all that negative happens on my time (I did not address any of the negative things that will/may happen on W's time, as they are not my thing to address).... I also highlighted that none of what happens was my choice, and I would have chosen differently and there would have been good propablities of different outcome.... But at least now I can talk to kids about these things and engage them as part of the process of building "Home mk.2".
I did tell kids that they can, and should, talk about their feelings. To me, to STBXW, to their bigger siblings, to their friend, to councellor, to healthcare folks at school.... One interesting observation I made was that G16 struggless with the "its no use as its not certain it will help" bias. Not really sure what else to do than encourage her, and try to explain her how biases work.
STBXW did once more try to squeeze some more extra days for herself. Saying kids need to be able to visit her parents during summer holidays. I just said "grandparents are free to visit my place", or kids can go visit grandparents on her days (which are still very plenty).... in the end I'm not asking kids to visit my family during school season, why should I give away even more of time when she's already having much more of it. How I use my time with kids is my thing, how she uses her time with kids is her thing. How hard can it be to understand.
Money... it's clearly the 'new sweet spot' of STBXW now.... I think she's finally beginning to feel and realize some of the financial implications of divorce,, and begin to panic. Instead of going into "make more money and fix the problems" growth- mode (like most healthy adults would do), she's turning into "I'll spend even less money than before, try to survive by starvation, and blame you for all the consequences" mode.... STBXW is now struggling with the thought that she may not afford all the stuff I'm leaving behind, saying some of it is worthless. And when I listed her some of the options how we could deal with the sitch, she was not happy with none... Oh well, I think the most straightforward and brutal way might be organize a massive yard sale, sell what sells at any price, and split the money 50/50.
Oh, and I learned she's taking a week off from work right after I've moved (but kids are with me) and spend it at "home mk.1"... honestly put I have no clue what she thinks happens when I move that she needs a week for
But umm... at this moment. She's not the gal I dated, proposed or married. I guess I'm finally seeing the bug in edgar suite. And the less I see her/him, the better for me.
Alvin.
At time of BD.... Me: 43, XW: 41
Kids: G19,G18,G14,G12,S5
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019,
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."), Mar 2020
D filed May 2020, D finalized Dec 2020
I have moved on, and am in new relationship.
Lessons from Stoicism and REBT helped me to exit the chaos zone and become a better person.
"Happiness and freedom begin with a clear understanding of one principle: Some things are within our control, and some things are not. - Epictetus"
Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
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