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Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

J
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My Story My wife's MLC
OP: July 17, 2020, 09:04:03 AM
Hello I'm new to the site ,I've reading it alot.
My story wife had said she was unhappy and she was put on antidepressants , I asked  her if her unhappiness was down to me she kept saying no ,one day she was in tears and said I kept saying the wrong things ,so I stopped saying certain things (which were only jokes nothing nasty ) entered the world of egg shell treading.

Fast forward to September last year ,we had joined a local motor bike group and went on ride outs ,one guy lived in our village so she started taking his dog for a walk ,one particular ride out we stopped and she was mucking around with him a bit to much and it started an alarm bell they spent time together which I wasn't overly concerned about because I could trust her , I got home from work one day and our wedding pictures were laid face down I asked why and she said this other guy was making jokes about them which I found odd .We went out to a local cafe on the motorbike but my gut feelings told me something was wrong , so I asked her if we were splitting up to which she said ' yes' .

Back home I said what's going on to which I got ' I love you but I'm not in love with you ' she'd developed feelings for him and said 'it told her something was wrong in our marriage ' she said something very odd 'i wish I'd have met you years and I'd have had children with you' she's adamet she doesn't want children within a week she rented a place moved out  and was talking about a financial split , I was a total mess (  a great diet plan to aid rapid weight loss ) she didn't want to talk  , but she's adamet we stay friends .

I started to look for somewhere to live she was even emailing me details of properties I might like , there was very little contact between us , she did say she wasn't even sure if om even liked her but the more questions I asked the deeper she dug in .I found a property and moved out , but all the way through this I kept giving her the chance to cut me free but she wouldn't , shed mentioned divorce at the start of all of this closing the joint back account etc she won't change her will she's leaving it all to me . I entered no contact which didn't go down well with her .

She kept emailing me about house stuff but most of it was of no use , she seemed to want to keep a connection. I called around to collect some stuff from the garage , I was asked in for coffee so we chatted then she announced she was seeing OM  , I kept my dignaty and said that we should end our friendship her face dropped , so I agreed to email once a month unless it's an emergency .

A few months later and the odd conversation , I'd get little glimpse of her stance changing , she asked me look at the bath as it wasn't draining , as payment she'd make me tea , I couldn't find anything wrong with the bath so we sat down and had tea together but she sat next to me which she'd never done before , I asked about a divorce and she said she can't afford it then she said there's no rush , she hasn't closed the joint bank account so all the things she'd said she was going to do are on hold .

I asked during a talk if she missed me she said ' I miss making memories with you but I don't see us living together '
She popped around with some food for me which I hadn't asked for  she said during a conversation ' your my husband and we aren't living together at the moment ' she then announced she's not seeing OM , it feels like she's dropping hints and her whole demeanor has softened.

Any thoughts would be good
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My wife's MLC
#1: July 17, 2020, 10:09:00 AM
While in MLC, they are consumed by confusion.   One day they want to never see you again, the next day they want to be friends, the next time they may want to try again, the next time OM is their "Soul Mate"

All you can do is detach and continue to do what you are doing. 

Spend time with friends, find a hobby, act as if your marriage is over, and detach from her emotions and behaviours.  Its a rocky road and it can be a 2-10 year adventure.

Sorry you find yourself here, but you are in great company with a lot of experienced LBS'ers
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

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My wife's MLC
#2: July 17, 2020, 02:51:14 PM
I'm so sorry for what you're going through ( I truly know how it feels) and I agree with what LBS Les said: MLCers are plagued by confusion mixed with depression and other various overwhelming emotions and things they are trying to figure out.

My H was very similar; I asked him ( when his MLC began) if his depression and anger was because of me, and he vehemently denied that, saying it was everything, from his job ( which indeed was very stressful) to the house and cleaning and his routine. Up until the end of anger, he kept repeating that and when I kept asking, he said ' I don't know why you think this is about you!'

Fast forward til he was with the OW: all of a sudden, I WAS THE PROBLEM and everything to do with me was the issue. Our home, our things ( which he essentially boxed and got rid of by not paying storage), I was the issue.

I suspect in a few years, he may one day see no, no it wasn't me and all my flaws. It was something broken inside of him that he tried to fix with external solutions.

As LBS Les says, DETACH. I know how hard it is. I know you will want to take things personally ( I still do this and am trying hard not to blame myself) but detaching is the key.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

J
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My wife's MLC
#3: July 18, 2020, 01:18:59 AM
I'm struggling to decide if it's an MLC or the menopause or both
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Re: My wife's MLC
#4: July 18, 2020, 05:46:23 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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My wife's MLC
#6: July 18, 2020, 06:12:31 AM
Hello,

Quote
I'm struggling to decide if it's an MLC or the menopause or both

Who knows? However, menopause doesn't lead to a crisis. We all transition from different aspects of our lives as we go through different stages, early childhood to adolescence, young adulthood to midlife, midlife to senior age and so forth. Erikson stated their were eight stages of life. However during your wife's transition it became a crisis. Instead of acceptance, there became a need for great change. Not just her hairstyle, but her life. The regret of things she wished she had done (children) now that she can't. MLC is a term we use, but the ages can vary greatly. We have several where the crisis started in their early to mid thirties and some in their early sixties. Regardless of the age, their actions, thoughts, and feelings have put them in crisis of who they are, the desire to create a new identity or life as their current situation makes them miserable.

Quote
It was something broken inside of him that he tried to fix with external solutions.

I couldn't have written this better myself. Your wife can't fix herself, and you can't either. She needs to complete her crisis all by herself and you can't control this. However, you can be a light that guides her by being true to yourself and shifting the spotlight from her to you.

The forum is about your journey to health and well-being with or without her. Self-focus is not about "fixing" yourself for the better. It is about grounding yourself into a growth mindset so that you can recover and live as if she is or isn't coming back into your life.

Quote
I asked during a talk if she missed me she said ' I miss making memories with you but I don't see us living together '
She popped around with some food for me which I hadn't asked for  she said during a conversation ' your my husband and we aren't living together at the moment ' she then announced she's not seeing OM , it feels like she's dropping hints and her whole demeanor has softened.

You still hear the confusion and yet she seems normal. This is probably your first touch and go. I was caught off guard by my first one as well. During the crisis, they can come back and check on you, to see reconnect briefly and then go back into the crisis. (Be advised that some just disappear completely for years and make no attempt to talk to anyone-especially their spouse). The important thing is not to get caught up in her cycle so that she doesn't crush you again. Be friendly and supportive, but not connected. You might add that the tea and food was lovely and you enjoyed your time with her and if she needs anything else repaired, you would gladly do it again.

Then go about your merry way.

[Man Hug]

Ready

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

J
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My wife's MLC
#7: July 19, 2020, 09:35:20 AM
 Be friendly and supportive, but not connected. You might add that the tea and food was lovely and you enjoyed your time with her and if she needs anything else repaired, you would gladly do it again.

I'm mainly doing the above . I feel full no contact won't  be good for her , keeping a safe distance works 
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J
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My wife's MLC
#8: July 20, 2020, 11:45:06 AM
I think what I don't really understand is how we were going along fine and then out of the blue we suddenly split up . But then she won't cut all ties I given her many chances to cut ties .

About 18 months ago we had a chat and she said I was saying all the wrong things , so I made a point of thinking before I spoke and stopped making jokes
Last week she said she likes my jokes
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m
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My wife's MLC
#9: July 20, 2020, 12:10:26 PM
Ohhh, Neil....welcome to the Wonderful World of MLC!

The rapidly-changing moods and constant mind-changing are both lovely hallmarks.  They are basically crazy and have no idea what they want at any given time.

Buckle up - it’s a rough ride!
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« Last Edit: July 20, 2020, 07:21:23 PM by readytofixmyselffirst »

 

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