Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 710
  • Gender: Male
My Story My wife's MLC
#10: July 20, 2020, 02:50:26 PM
Very sorry you're here John. But I'm glad you found us.

I don't have much to add to the advice you've already been given except to echo it. I know you are probably starving for some resolution, but I would advise against bringing up divorce. Any relationship talk may feel like pressure to her.

Also - eat healthy, drink lots of water, breathe, take long walks and get enough sleep (easier said than done, I know!). Talk to yourself like you would talk to a buddy who is going through the same thing.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#11: July 21, 2020, 10:46:18 AM
She seems to keeping in touch with me increasingly , finding reasons to keep a connection
  • Logged

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 191
  • Gender: Female
My wife's MLC
#12: July 21, 2020, 12:00:54 PM
She seems to keeping in touch with me increasingly , finding reasons to keep a connection

My W did this in the early stages.   She's since gone dark

You may have a clinging boomerang, you may have a vanisher - but dont read into what she's doing right now, its all chaos and confusion.
  • Logged
Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

S
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6022
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: My wife's MLC
#13: July 22, 2020, 01:24:52 AM
Speaking as a post meno-pausal woman - the symptoms I experienced (and this started after my MLCer's BD) were extreme exhaustion hitting suddenly, loss of appetite versus a need to eat the "wrong" things.
I felt emotional and weepy at unpredictable times, I hated any form of conflict or disagreement because I would over-react.  I felt sluggish and I also felt that my mind should be read by others.
The worst thing was loss of memory not just from yesterday but from weeks, months and years.  (This terrified me personally as my mum died in her early 60s of early onset alzheimers)
Every woman is different and menopause lasts a lot longer than some medical sites would have you believe.

So is what your wife doing purely symptomatic of menopause I would say not, because I and other menopausal friends  were still capable of knowing what was morally right and wrong - none of us would go and seek solace elsewhere and put it down to menopause.  None of us would deliberately hurt those closest to us to simply assuage our menopausal needs.

However if she is in menopause she will be emotionally erratic, she will be feeling tired and get easily bored, she will be feeling as though she is "getting older" but this is not the cause of the MLC - it will just add to the enormous range of symptoms that MLC has.

I would also suggest that she is a clinging boomerang - clingers tend to find excuses to bounce back and then try to seek some sense of "normal".  Clingers also show their guilt through this action.  It doesn't stop them carrying on but they sometimes wear their guilt and confusion on their sleeves.

Keep reading, keep journalling and keep learning. This is a long haul.
 

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#14: July 22, 2020, 02:44:11 AM
Songanddance
So is she just in menopause or MLC or a bit of both,shes never suggested the menopause has caused this split (it's my personal take on what's going on with her ) she refused to accept she was entering the menopause she has said 'She's a miserable cow'  I'm just trying to make sense of what's going on with her and why her personality has changed .
She messaged the other day to say she was worried I was ignoring her , i did point out that what a split is i followed it up by saying i wasnt ignoring her ,since then she's getting in touch a lot,she has said ' let's keep talking '

She wants to take me for a meal to say thanks for helping her,she wants me to have a key to her house ,she has said she won't change her will , shes leaving everything to me .

But then in conversation she's not ready to talk about us

I am getting so many mixed signals
  • Logged
« Last Edit: July 22, 2020, 02:56:49 AM by John T »

S
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6022
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: My wife's MLC
#15: July 22, 2020, 07:30:33 AM
Songanddance
So is she just in menopause or MLC or a bit of both,shes never suggested the menopause has caused this split (it's my personal take on what's going on with her ) she refused to accept she was entering the menopause she has said 'She's a miserable cow'  I'm just trying to make sense of what's going on with her and why her personality has changed .
She messaged the other day to say she was worried I was ignoring her , i did point out that what a split is i followed it up by saying i wasnt ignoring her ,since then she's getting in touch a lot,she has said ' let's keep talking '

She wants to take me for a meal to say thanks for helping her,she wants me to have a key to her house ,she has said she won't change her will , shes leaving everything to me .

But then in conversation she's not ready to talk about us

I am getting so many mixed signals

You will because this is MLC.  I'm 7 years in and one of the many things I have learned from here is that  MLCers are confused themselves so do not expect any logic from them. One day they will leave you everything in their will and the next they will insist that the house is sold so that they can buy a new car. 

My H insisted he didn't want a divorce.  I said he clearly didn't want a marriage either so what did he actually want?  He didn't know. 
Once he said that he would never sell the house and two days later monstered that he had had enough and he was going to force me to sell so that he could have everything he earned and put towards the house back for himself.  When I told him that as joint and separate owner on the land registry, he couldn't force me to do anything but he was welcome to leave as my salary was paying the mortgage and 50% of the bills anyway.   

What I'm trying to explain to you is that you are in early days and menopause has little to do with MLC in the long run. Menopause is a side effect that can add to the frustration of an MLCer and certainly the hormones are out of whack. However a man at 50 has more oestrogen in his system than a woman so by that token hormones are NOT the culprit or cause.

MLCers in the beginning are bewildered by what they are doing and saying.  They try to identify the cause " cr*p marriage" " hair is too grey"  spouse doesn't like the colour green", spouse refused to cook them toast to the right temperature in 2006"

Whatever it is - this is script.  There is so much written about this on here.

Please abandon the idea that this is just menopause.  This is more than menopause and yes she may be going through it but it is no excuse for what is clearly the signs of MLC.

The hard part for you is to be able to step back and see what she says and does for what they are - just words followed up by actions that either contradict the words or are completely out of the norm for the wife you knew.

Her phrase " Let's keep talking" will keep you dangling and there will come a time when she will want to talk but not to listen.

The best thing you can do is to learn to detach. You can still love her and still stand for your marriage, You can still believe in the woman she once was and you can still hope but do it with a degree of detachment as this is much healthier and whole way for you to navigate your way through this.
  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 258
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#16: July 22, 2020, 08:57:17 AM
Hi there,

    Welcome and sorry you are here. My wife wanted to play tennis together still and have weekly dinners as a family. Two years later we haven't talked in 18 months. I have no thoughts on menapouse as I don't think I was dealing with it when it came to her. I will add my wife wants to be friends but I believe that is only to relieve the guilt she has. She has never apologized for any wrong doing and in her eyes I am just a sensitive guy who is taking the breakup bad.
  • Logged
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3311
  • Gender: Female
Re: My wife's MLC
#17: July 22, 2020, 04:45:44 PM
Please reread Song and Dance´s reply- all good info.

Menopause does bring a shift in hormones but while that may alter moods, it is not to be the source of the blame for changes in behaviors. Sure, it´d be nice to be able to say that all will normalize once she gets to the other side of menopause, but that just puts you in limbo waiting on someone else´s biological timeline.

Self-care is the key. You are about to go on a long journey of self discovery and growth whether you wanted to or not. Best to plan to enjoy the adventure by investing time and energy into you. Sinking it into the relationship with someone with one foot out the door will not bring her back.

Loving the person she was is fine. Try not to delude yourself that she is that person now- that just leads to more pain for you.
  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#18: July 22, 2020, 10:03:33 PM
Thank you for the replies

I now see that the menopause is a symptom  within her MLC she's never said it's the cause of her changes  it's hard enough to get her to even acknowledge she's entering the menopause .

The more I try to detach the more the contact occurs , I still see some of her old self and more seems to be coming back , the overriding feeling I get is she is not certain of what she's done , she's scared I'll walk away from her and there's no way back for her hence the contact .

She's never really monstered me , she has said she is learning about herself what ever that means

I've learned that I'm a good reader of people and have learned to listen to people, im now happier in the company of woman more so than men , I've got a much better understanding of women and there needs
  • Logged

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#19: July 23, 2020, 02:59:58 AM
I have recognised some of my failings as a person and am making changes to me for me I've done a huge amount self reflection, and putting into practice the changes I need to make , shes even commented about my stress levels being very reduced, shes seems very interested when I mentioned my observations about people and how they impact on me and what I do to avoid them .everywhere I look I see stressed people who can't see it , and people who want to belittle others to hide there own miserable life's.

 I need to let my old marriage go and look forward and not back , I'm desperately trying to distance from her , but she clings on tighter.

I've had so much good help and support, you all can't be wrong , I want to pull out of this roundabout I'm stuck on
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.