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Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

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My Story My wife's MLC
#20: July 23, 2020, 06:01:38 AM
Hello,

Quote
I've had so much good help and support, you all can't be wrong , I want to pull out of this roundabout I'm stuck on

Remember, this..... you have control, you have choice.....over you. You can pull out anytime you want. I am not telling you or advising you to leave her, but to instill in you the power of choice. You can leave and you will be fine. You also can stay and you will be fine. The person in crisis is your wife, not you. Knowing you have power, choice will help alleviate the sense of helplessness.

Right now your wife's mindset is inward and centered towards herself. Just imagine if you cut yourself in the kitchen really badly. Would you continue to make dinner knowing everyone is hungry, or would you seek the attention of a doctor? In the moment of crisis, all your attention is focused on the need of the moment, and that brings your focus inward and self-centered.

Your wife is self-centered right now. She doesn't see you as a person, but as an object. Going back to my cut hand with a knife analogy.  If your wife was driving you to the hospital how would you feel if she kept talking to you? "Oh that cut looks real bad.." "I bet it hurts real bad." "You should be more careful when you use a knife you know."

That's how our MLCer's face relationship talks especially in the beginning. My advice is to let her talk, and you listen to validate. You don't have to own up or buy in to her talk, but you can hear her pain and acknowledge her confusion. Empathy goes a long ways. Just realize that she is not rational in her thought process- but emotion driven and that leads to the cycles.

Put you actions and focus on how you can live. You goal is to influence her not guide her or fix her. Live your life well. If you want to help others, volunteer. Be with those that need your help and want you. You will feel better and have a better mental state to deal with her confusion. Detaching doesn't mean leaving, it means to pull yourself out of the fire to a better position where you are safe and can tactical re-engage at the right time. Just like the kitchen cut, once you are taken care of, your focus goes outward to others again.

Since you can focus outward, focus outward and know that at this time, she can't.

[Man Hug]

Ready

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

5
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My wife's MLC
#21: July 23, 2020, 07:16:58 AM
John T,
really listen to the Veterans like Ready .  We LBS's need to have our own fog cleared so we can move forward..  The MLC PHENOMENON is real and will take time, patience, tears and a lot of deep breaths.......

5hill
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J
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My wife's MLC
#22: July 24, 2020, 12:36:40 AM
I suppose I'm struggling with the emptiness we did a lot together and that's all gone we were into motorbikes together and now I can't bear to be near a motorbike, I haven't been on a bike since BD. I suppose  breaking contact will push her away  but I'm probably  being nieve as she wants contact and will do what ever it takes to keep it that way , but I fully understand that I must let my marriage go and focus on me ,

 I realised this morning a guy at work was b!tc#ing about another guy to me and I just don't want to endure listening to it as you end up getting sucked into the world of negativity, I guess it's like being in a swimming pool and swimming to the edge and wanting to stay there
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My wife's MLC
#23: July 24, 2020, 04:47:03 AM
Hello Mr John T , I have been reading your story and I am sorry . You might find some of the understandings you are longing for inside of your wifes childhood or family of origin . I does not mean you will be able to do jacksh#t about it because it is her crisis , not yours. It has ZERO to do with you or your marriage. Less than zero actually. It may give you some deeper insight as to the wounds she is attempting to heal externally ... rather than facing them internally. What do you know about her childhood , her life experiences and where she came from?
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

J
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My wife's MLC
#24: July 24, 2020, 09:52:57 AM
Her childhood was normal, her mum and dad split in her late teens which did hit her hard as nobody saw it coming, her dad moved in with another woman and slowly she was pushed aside . She had some bad relationships prior to meeting me ,the last one before me was a long term relationship and he cheated on her and she never got closure.
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My wife's MLC
#25: July 24, 2020, 10:01:31 AM
Her childhood was normal, her mum and dad split in her late teens which did hit her hard as nobody saw it coming, her dad moved in with another woman and slowly she was pushed aside .

This is her FOO issues, right there.

She will have to address the feelings she felt back at that time - this is essentially, what has transpired into her MLC.  But only she can make a decision IF and WHEN she wants to revisit that time in her life, to address her feelings of abandonment.
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

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My wife's MLC
#26: July 24, 2020, 10:21:46 AM
Do you have kids?
And how long have you been together/married? How old are you both?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My wife's MLC
#27: July 24, 2020, 10:53:57 AM
Quote
Her childhood was normal, her mum and dad split in her late teens

Late teens doesn't mean they are no longer a child. 

As LBS Les says - right there are her FOO issues.   Nothing about splitting up the marriage is normal for a child.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

b
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My wife's MLC
#28: July 24, 2020, 06:34:57 PM
Well John, you seem to be able to sum up her childhood in a very short paragraph as "normal".  In her "late teens"  ( she would still be a child) it appears that her father had his own MLC and abandoned his family ...abandoned your wife.  This is very very traumatic for a father ( who gave her a normal childhood ...) to very suddenly leave for another women. I frankly cannot imagine anything ( short of death) more traumatic to a young girl. I have daughters John ...lots of them. I feel rather an expert on the ways of the teenage girl . When my H left our home , I had adult girls in their 20's  and 4 in thier 30's and they wept like their  hearts shattered. It exploded their lives , their trust in all the world and in their own marriages. Their Dad/ hero left. Trust me when I tell you, your wife has trauma and pain that she has not resolved in her heart and soul. This is where her work is ...healing that wound . This is what her journey is about .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

b
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My wife's MLC
#29: July 24, 2020, 06:44:36 PM
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

 

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