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Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

J
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My Story My wife's MLC
#40: July 28, 2020, 12:55:16 PM
I didn't ask about the OM somebody just came out with it , that piece of information has shown me the way to my path , I've been at a fork in the path for a while but now know which path to fully head down ,after a few false starts and being pulled back
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J
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My wife's MLC
#41: July 31, 2020, 09:13:27 AM
No contact so far this week
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My wife's MLC
#42: July 31, 2020, 02:26:05 PM
No contact so far this week

Can be quite common with our MLC'ers.   Im about 7 weeks NC with my spouse, right now.
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Me (W) 43 - W 41
BD - Jan 17, 2020


OW status unknown, don't care, not relevant.

J
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My wife's MLC
#43: August 01, 2020, 02:59:03 PM
Just had an email telling me I've got post . She explained why the email was late , because she went to her mum's .

She asked how I am .

I've not replied
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S
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Re: My wife's MLC
#44: August 02, 2020, 01:02:47 AM
Quick question - does your MLCEr know that you have gone NC with her?

If you are standing and hoping at some point down the future for a reconnection,RCR is quite clear NC is a boundary that needs to be explained to the MLCer.  Just going NC without explaining why can cause confusion.   

I understand why you have gone NC and agree with you doing so - just be aware that unless she knows why you have gone NC she will think you are acting out of spite or being petty (MLCers just don't get it) and either persist with contacting you or leave well alone and any form of future contact you may have is reduced even if you want contact with her.

It's just a question of whether you are standing.  If not - no worries.

What you could do is apply the rule of 3 and reply briefly in 3 days time,politely tell her how you are and then explain very simply that whilst she is with OM or living away you will not be keeping in contact with her.  Have a look at RCR's types of contact article.

All that said - if going NC really helps you then no worries.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

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My wife's MLC
#45: August 02, 2020, 01:46:56 AM
Song makes a good point.

Contact exists on a spectrum.....and you have choices. Although I believe there are some times and situations where complete NC is necessary for the LBS, such as abuse, threats or extreme monstering, it depends on your needs and intentions at a given time. And being honest with yourself about what you need vs trying to influence someone else  ::) you might find this link helpful https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_contact-levels.html

Of course sometimes they vanish and go NC with us lol so there is no need to muse on it much  :)
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 01:48:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

J
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My wife's MLC
#46: August 02, 2020, 04:51:05 AM
I'm so torn about NC because she has wanted to remain friends all the way through this it's been important to her , her veiw is things can't be sorted if we don't talk .

I'm torn because I get advice to go NC ,but she keeps contact going not me , she text a while saying she's worried I'm ignoring her ,when we spoke I pointed out that this is what separation is she choose this path not me .I've noticed in any communication she always points out what she doing as if to say she's alone all of the time ,I've been told the OM is annoying her .

The last time I mentioned us she said she's not ruling out or in us getting back together , but says it's to early to talk about us .

She's admitted she's a miserable cow her words , she wishes she could take my pain away . She's also said if I want to move on and not wait for her she'll understand , it's her bad luck if I'm gone . I had a text saying 'I'm the only that's ever cared about her' . In conversation she said 'your my husband and we're not living together at the moment, 'your my husband and I care about you'  also she's said ' I don't see us living together  but that's not definite'

If anyone can make sense of this please as I no longer can
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Re: My wife's MLC
#47: August 02, 2020, 06:27:55 AM
I'm sorry John but it sounds to me like she is throwing crumbs out to keep you where you are.

If she can't make a decision the decent thing would be to leave you alone until she figures it out.  In the mean time you need to live your life "as if" she is not coming back.
She may not.

Putting your life on hold just makes no sense.  She could be in this for several years.
Make your life the best you can.

Maybe that could be how you could tell her you are going NC.
Until you make up your mind who you want to be with, and decide to work on the relationship, I will not be engaging with you.  It's too painful for me.

Then stop responding to her.  Then she knows.  She can not have you both.

Just my suggestion.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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My wife's MLC
#48: August 02, 2020, 06:51:13 AM
I'm afraid Thunder is right, John.
And it makes no sense bc a) it makes no sense b) it is incredibly and unreasonably self-centred and c) your w probably doesn't even understand her own emotions and d) she is trying to keep you as some kind of friendly Plan B.

It really is all about her....
Which I suspect is not working out great for you....bc actually she is offering you nothing useful to work with.

Decide what works best for you right now in terms of contact or not. It might change but focus on what is best for you currently. And please remember that if your w doesn't like it, that is no longer your problem bc she fired you from being her h and best friend. As you say, this is what reality looks like when you have an affair and leave your h isn't it? And you are under no obligation to justify or defend your choices to her now. There is no We anymore....by her doing....so it is reasonable that you look after yourself and no longer care much how she feels or what she wants. After all, just bc she wants something doesn't mean that you can't say 'no thank you'.

Most LBS struggle for a while with the 'habit' of being concerned about how their spouse feels. Usually the spouse is not at all concerned about how we feel of course, or they would have behaved differently. And sometimes we believe that less contact will reduce the chance of reconnection....I'm honestly not sure that is true while your w is with OM and behaving like a nutso selfish a$$hat  ::)....and you don't want a wife like that anyway do you?

Reflect on how you feel. How much/what kind of contact makes life easier or better for you right now? Do that  :) and if you decide that means NC at all, that's not unreasonable given the circumstances.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My wife's MLC
#49: August 02, 2020, 07:52:45 AM
Hello,

I was just agreeing with Treasur and Thunder.  Going NC is your choice and your control on how it is best for you to heal. It has nothing to do with her feelings and everything to do with your feelings.

You are doing well, keep posting and read carefully the advice you are being given, it's invaluable.

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