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Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

b
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My Story My wife's MLC
#50: August 02, 2020, 08:33:25 AM
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The last time I mentioned us she said she's not ruling out or in us getting back together , but says it's to early to talk about us .
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Hi John . I just have a quick comment about the statement above. I have seen this said to LBS many times...that they "might" be back , that this is "temporary" ,  that it is" possible " someday over the rainbow etc etc .   Many feel hopeful , relieved and committ to waiting it out. I had an entirely different response and feeling when my arrogant, strutting and swaggerring teenage husband said this to me .  And he did say " this is hopefully temporary and I will want to come home in the future ".   Say the firetruck what ??   Hmmmmm ?  . I just looked at him and said the 1st thing that came to my mind ..."  Whether you return to our home and family or not , is entirely up to ME. YOU do not get a vote whatsoever . I decide whether or not you EVER have a home with me and your daughters again.  Remember that and do NOT EVER say that to me again. Period.

I know it is entirely a different response than most ..but it is absolutely how I felt . NOT is a million years will YOU decide anything more about MY life.  Its mine. A truth dart so to speak.  He just was utterly totally stunned and said not another word as I walked away.   

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her veiw is things can't be sorted if we don't talk .
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Again... what is there to "sort" when you are living with another man ?. It just seems to me another tactic of control . And this is just food for thought, as I know this is utterly excruciatingly painful. I am not discounting any of the anguish. Take a bit of control back John...in tiny bites.  When she is living apart from another man , has NO contact with that affair partner and wishes to book an appointment with a therapist ....you will consider the "sorting things out conversation". Until such time, there will be no "sorting, talking, communicating etc".   Bam . Ball is in her court, your expectations and boundaries are VERY clear and you have a bit of authourity and control over your own life.  My thoughts ... and my experience . I feel for you John ..I really do.
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

J
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My wife's MLC
#51: August 02, 2020, 08:55:15 AM
Just to clarify she's not living with OM and she's been at pains to point out she's not seeing him ,by the sounds of it he's peeing her off .

Any contact we have she always points out what she's up to where she's going .

She knows that if all contact is ended by me , she'll end up in my mental filling cabinet ,and I tend to shut the draw and that's it ,she's seen me walk away from people never to be mentioned again .

There are so many ifs ,buts ,maybes.  I feel like I'm a tractor stuck in a muddy field I get a little forward then slip back in to the rut I've just pulled out of ,she's the driver ,but doesn't know what to do about it.
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S
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Re: My wife's MLC
#52: August 02, 2020, 09:22:25 AM
I'm so torn about NC because she has wanted to remain friends all the way through this it's been important to her , her veiw is things can't be sorted if we don't talk .

I'm torn because I get advice to go NC ,but she keeps contact going not me , she text a while saying she's worried I'm ignoring her ,when we spoke I pointed out that this is what separation is she choose this path not me .I've noticed in any communication she always points out what she doing as if to say she's alone all of the time ,I've been told the OM is annoying her .

The last time I mentioned us she said she's not ruling out or in us getting back together , but says it's to early to talk about us .

She's admitted she's a miserable cow her words , she wishes she could take my pain away . She's also said if I want to move on and not wait for her she'll understand , it's her bad luck if I'm gone . I had a text saying 'I'm the only that's ever cared about her' . In conversation she said 'your my husband and we're not living together at the moment, 'your my husband and I care about you'  also she's said ' I don't see us living together  but that's not definite'

If anyone can make sense of this please as I no longer can

Here we go.  I had this from my H 7 years ago and nothing he said or did ever changed his way or means of behaving.

I am going to translate MLC speak for you.

she text a while saying she's worried I'm ignoring her.
Hello, you haven't chased me in a few days - does this mean that you don't want to speak to me or have anything to do with me. I'm worried about me and when you ignore me it makes me feel more important.

when we spoke I pointed out that this is what separation is she choose this path not me .I've noticed in any communication

she always points out what she doing as if to say she's alone all of the time
I am alone in my head but not really If I emphasise this hard enough you will believe me,

I've been told the OM is annoying her .  (what proof do you have here JohnT?)

The last time I mentioned us
she said she's not ruling out or in us getting back together , but says it's to early to talk about us .
You know we could get back together again but I want to play first and to have fun and serious stuff like talking about having a relationship is too boring.  So I'll deflect what you're thinking and try to let you down gently but really - yoyu want to talk about us now?

She's admitted she's a miserable cow her words
I am a miserable cow for doing what I have done but I'm not miserable; it had to be done
 she wishes she could take my pain away
If I take your pain away, I can walk away from this relationship guilt free.  I do feel really guilty for what I have done and OM well he's just a good excuse to assuage my guilt.  I don't want to feel guilty anymore so if I say something nice about your pain; it might make it easier on me.
She's also said if I want to move on and not wait for her she'll understand , it's her bad luck if I'm gone
I had these exact words from my H - it's called script and is a load of BS.
I had a text saying 'I'm the only that's ever cared about her' .
I do know that you care about me and I appreciate it but feel sorry for me because nobody else will care about me that way and I feel that if I return your love will stifle me

In conversation she said 'your my husband and we're not living together at the moment, 'your my husband and I care about you'  also she's said ' I don't see us living together  but that's not definite
'
I am legally married to you.  I am not emotionally or spiritually married to you so there's no point in us living together and I really don't want to discuss it but I see you are keen for a bit of hope so what I will do is let you down gently and choose my words carefully.

John - There are so many of us on here who have had these words; it's called script.  I remember exactly 3 months after BD where I was when my H told me that I wasn't to wait for him and that I was to find someone else. When I said I didn't want to find anyone else his response was " well you should - he will be a lucky man."   This is whilst he was getting ready to see OW.   He then said he didn't want a divorce. My response was " You don't want a marriage either - so what do you want?" 
His reply - " I don't know."  and walked out.

She is dropping you crumbs and this is not to say that none of what she thinks is false or deceptive; Most of the time MLCers say one thing one day and something else the next. They just know that they don't want us for now.  They don't really know why and they don't understand why they are behaving the way they are but they lack self awareness to face upto themselves and so would rather run away from anything that might cause them a tiny bit of grief.  That would include her OM too.

Read up on the pursuit and distance dance as well.  That is so illuminating and once you become a student of it you will see exactly when that behaviour applies to you both.  Her initial text about worrying that you were ignoring her is pursuit and your feeling is to dance back to her worry.  Then she will distance and you will hang on for any crumb of what she might have said.

This is why you need to know exactly what NC is - how it will help you and how you need to let your W understand your course of action.


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My wife's MLC
#53: August 02, 2020, 11:48:32 AM
I'm so torn about NC because she has wanted to remain friends all the way through this it's been important to her , her veiw is things can't be sorted if we don't talk . Oh yes, the Its really important that we remain friends - my wife said this.

I'm torn because I get advice to go NC ,but she keeps contact going not me , she text a while saying she's worried I'm ignoring her ,when we spoke I pointed out that this is what separation is she choose this path not me .I've noticed in any communication she always points out what she doing as if to say she's alone all of the time ,I've been told the OM is annoying her .

The last time I mentioned us she said she's not ruling out or in us getting back together , but says it's to early to talk about us . My wife said the EXACT SAME THING

She's admitted she's a miserable cow her words , she wishes she could take my pain away . My Wife said the same
She's also said if I want to move on and not wait for her she'll understand , it's her bad luck if I'm gone . My wife said she thinks she's making the biggest mistake

I had a text saying 'I'm the only that's ever cared about her' . In conversation she said 'your my husband and we're not living together at the moment, 'your my husband and I care about you'  also she's said ' I don't see us living together  but that's not definite' My wife always made it a habit of pointing out that we are married, even though we no longer live together

If anyone can make sense of this please as I no longer can

As you can see John, this is typical script - you cannot rely on anything she says.  They all follow the same script.  You need to detach so that you dont hold on to their words.
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J
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My wife's MLC
#54: August 02, 2020, 01:06:52 PM
So in your considered opinions is this a MLC based on my observations
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S
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Re: My wife's MLC
#55: August 02, 2020, 01:13:19 PM
Very possible.  It is clear that your wife is depressed and is acting out of character. 

She may be MLC - she may be a MLT (midlife transition) - Either way she is not her "normal " self and the advice we give you is applicable across all eventualities.

OP mentions Time being a gift - that gift is for you to learn, to grow and to heal so that if she is an MLCer you can deal with it as an emotionally and spiritually healthy being.   Time would also tell you if it is an MLC too; it is still early days for you. 
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Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

J
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My wife's MLC
#56: August 03, 2020, 04:45:35 AM
She's been in touch asking about when I'm going to take her up on her offer of food at our local favourite cafe
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b
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My wife's MLC
#57: August 03, 2020, 05:09:53 AM
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She's been in touch asking about when I'm going to take her up on her offer of food at our local favourite cafe
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How do you feel about this John?  What is your initial reaction?
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

S
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Re: My wife's MLC
#58: August 03, 2020, 05:20:12 AM
She's been in touch asking about when I'm going to take her up on her offer of food at our local favourite cafe

In addition to Barbie's question apply the rule of 3.  Wait 3 hours or days before replying. This will give you time to consider and reflect how you feel and whether it is what you can handle.

She is using the food at favourite local cafe to reel you in (pursuit and distance dance).

If you can go knowing that nothing she will say or do will really make a difference to the current situation then go. 
Go without expectations. 

If it is too much for you to consider then don't go.   

Treat it as a business meeting if you do go - be authentic but no R conversations even if she brings it up.

If you do go Listen carefully, validate- use the word "Uhuh" often to show you are listening but nor reacting and if needs be throw in the odd truth dart but with NO expectations!
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My wife's MLC
#59: August 03, 2020, 05:52:13 AM
Hello,

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Treat it as a business meeting if you do go - be authentic but no R conversations even if she brings it up.

If you do go Listen carefully, validate- use the word "Uhuh" often to show you are listening but nor reacting and if needs be throw in the odd truth dart but with NO expectations!

This is a key point. No expectations. Keep it light, keep it simple. This is not the time or place for you to "fix" everything.  I know this is hard as you see the "now" as an opportunity to swoop in and save the day. Just know it isn't going to happen and now is the time to focus on your healing and mindset first before you even think of trying to deal with your MLCer.

This isn't a race, just a slow and determined run that you take one day at a time.

[[[[[Ready]]]]]

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