Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story My wife's MLC

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10432
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
My Story My wife's MLC
#130: October 01, 2020, 02:43:38 AM
All totally quite from my W I've resisted the temptation to get in contact.

Good..... She needs to feel your absence.... That is what life is going to be like in the future....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4175
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My wife's MLC
#131: October 03, 2020, 07:04:01 AM
Hello,

Quote
Can you please explain his or any LBS's ability to influence??

Good question. In most situations we seek to control, but reality has it that none of us have it on ourselves let alone others. After bomb drop, our focus shifts and suddenly we want our partner back. More than anything else, we seek a specific outcome of the restoration of the marriage. The more we try  control this situation, the more we come across to our MLCer as controlling.

Instead of focusing on the end goal, focus on the process. The more you learn to enjoy doing whatever you do, the end goal becomes irrelevant.
When we challenge ourselves to becoming better and succeed, through the power of influence we help them become better as well.

MLCers live in a world of feeling and justification. They think like teenagers in this mindset, and all of the self-centered thought that comes with adolescence.  From the mindset of the MLCer, they are miserable and empty, so you must feel the same. Better yet, when they are living their high life and they see you as miserable and controlling, it justifies all of their actions. "See it was my spouses fault. I have have found happiness. They are still in misery."

Let's flip the switch. You don't become miserable. You don't answer the phone the second that they call. You live for yourself and enjoy yourself. You maintain your core values and a call to do good for others despite the pain. John T needs to find satisfaction living in his world within his own skin. He should improve and fix his own home-not repair hers. He should still maintain relations with his friends and do the things he enjoys doing. Maybe even try something new.

This isn't to manipulate the MLCer, it is by being true to yourself and being positive about your present situation, that the MLCer no longer sees you as the source of their pain. Your responses as opposed to reactions, your ability to still be good despite their actions, and the fact that you no longer focus on a specific outcome all have influence on the MLCer.

This is not a guarantee that they will come back. Influence is not specific to one outcome. It is the acceptance of many outcomes. That as you go about your day, you are still good to others, you find peace and content in your own heart, and that your life has value with or without your spouse. That's the power of influence.

(((((Hugs))))

Ready


 
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#132: October 05, 2020, 09:02:48 AM
I'm starting to feel  increasingly distant from my W and now questioning whether we have any real chance of getting back together.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4175
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My wife's MLC
#133: October 06, 2020, 11:12:20 AM
Hello,

Quote
I'm starting to feel  increasingly distant from my W and now questioning whether we have any real chance of getting back together.

I want you to continue to feel distant so that you can focus on your self-care and healing. I wish I could answer your question about returning, but I can assure you that if you turn off the wife switch and focus on the John T switch, whatever the outcome, you will be in a better place regardless.

(((((Ready)))))
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 710
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#134: October 06, 2020, 10:49:58 PM
Quote
I'm starting to feel  increasingly distant from my W and now questioning whether we have any real chance of getting back together.
Sorry you're going through this. But I think Ready is right. It's not easy, but I think you just have to live as if she's not coming back and work on your own healing. Old Pilot's welcome letter talks about the gift of time. It's a gift nobody wants to receive for sure, but if you use it well you'll be better regardless of what she does.

You've come a long way already. You're going to be OK.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#135: October 06, 2020, 11:42:03 PM
I'm starting to mentally adapt to us parting for good, I know she's in a bad place which might be her coming to terms with her issues as I was let go of the other man never got started so now she's alone and unhappy (so I wasn't the cause of her feeling down) she got no-one to blame and nowhere to hide .
  • Logged

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#136: October 11, 2020, 09:03:37 AM
Had to contact her about a bill , I noticed that she was replying in exactly the same way as I was sending the email nothing more or less. She did say she's not been feeling very positive lately but is feeling a little better which I suspected she had been very down . She did say she's not my problem,  I've said I'll offer support if required. That's as much as I can do .
  • Logged

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#137: October 18, 2020, 10:06:21 AM
I realized that part of this journey is about the changes that you make to yourself as well as your MLC er ,I'm constantly working on me .
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4175
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
My wife's MLC
#138: October 18, 2020, 11:19:18 AM
Hello,

Quote
,I'm constantly working on me .

This is the best you can do right now. By focusing on you, you are not focusing on her. This will help you heal and put you in a better mindset.

Remember, her crisis really has a little to do with you and is all about her. Let her do what she needs to do while you recover from the trauma she inflicted on you.

(((Hugs))) and know you are doing well,

Ready
  • Logged
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

J
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 62
  • Gender: Male
My wife's MLC
#139: October 22, 2020, 09:59:23 AM
My W came around with a present for my newly born grand daughter, she mentioned the OM had come back on the scene asking to get back together it's winter and he wants somewhere to go , she's sent him away with a flee in his ear.

I went against the advice and asked what's happening with us , she said I don't see us getting back together, so I mentioned divorce and she backed away from it straight away . During the conversation she said we're not getting back together at the moment as she wants to be on her own .

She's admitted she's very depressed.

I know I went against the advice but talk of the other man triggered me.
  • Logged

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.