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Author Topic: My Story bar girls

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My Story bar girls
OP: July 23, 2020, 09:10:27 AM
He's upset with me now because I used his account to buy groceries when all this time he has been sending money to bar girls. He doesn't care about me or the bills of his. All he cares about is sending money to bar girls in the Philippines for different things. He asked me if I used his account to buy groceries and he asked me why? And I told him I didn't know? I just didn't want to argue with him. We need food and because of his reckless spending I had to use his account. I don't know how much more I can take. The bills have to be paid. What am I suppose to do? It's actually our money and he's just giving it away.
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« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 09:21:46 AM by Thunder »

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bar girls
#1: July 23, 2020, 01:40:03 PM
Hello gen.sambo, i am glad you found us here on the hs forum.  Can you tell us your story, when was BD?   Very soon the Veterans will be providing you great support and resources.
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bar girls
#2: July 23, 2020, 02:05:47 PM
Hi gen.sambo,

the vets will soon chime in with tons of advice.  But I'm gonna give you some practical first aid.

As first rule of thumb: there are things you control and things you cannot control.  And you cannot control him nor his behaviour. The more you try to do, the higher the risk of conflict and  personal hurt is gonna be.

What you can do...

Use of money.... Start up a new account he has no access and redirect your salary etc. income there.  Sure, he's not gonna like but so what?  If he does not show respect to your shared life, why should you?

Lack of money...  Work more or find a better paying job (if possible).  I know it's gonna be hard and challenging and unfair. But sometimes tough times require tough solutions.   

Bills... reschedule payments or negotiate a payment plan.  Just make sure you are constantly on up-to-date on whats due and when.
Protecting your part of shared assets .. .get legal help ASAP, explain the situation  and ask about the options to freeze your marrital assets.   Just acknowledge that this can be expensive option, so if there is not much money/assets then it might be easiest to just take the hit and let go.   Eventually if you stop supporting him and his behaviour, he will have to face the reality and consequences.

Your wellbeing...  get help, ASAP.  Seek counceling, talk to your family, share with closest friends... you are not alone, nor should be alone in midst of this.  The better you are doing within your head (and physically), the better the changes of you coming through with limited damage will be. 

And in case you feel there is risk of physical (or mental) abuse... don't be afraid to contact the authorities.

Regardless of what he's dealing with,  the above checlist should give you a good start.

Good luck.

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« Last Edit: July 23, 2020, 02:21:02 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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bar girls
#3: July 23, 2020, 02:17:37 PM
Hi Gen , welcome to Heros Spouse. I am sorry for the situation that you describe and many here would love to support you, but we need more information to see how we can best do that . Perhaps you can take some time to tell us about yourself, spouse , any kids, how long married and what makes you believe your husband is having a mid-life crisis. How long has this been going on and what do you feel you need from people at Heros Spouse that will help. I am so glad you found us . We are a caring community for the spouse of men ( or women) in crisis and we welcome you here. Please tell us a bit more about you .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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bar girls
#4: July 23, 2020, 02:39:22 PM
Hello Gen and welcome.

I am sorry you are having to join us here but you will receive lots of support and help....

I know of others whose husbands have given away a great deal of money to Asian "bar girls". MLCers can spend recklessly and this is something that may need to be addressed sooner than later for your protection.

The good thing about Heros Spouse is that we have been through this and we understand your pain unlike the world at large who think it is a marriage issue.

This is not about you or about your marriage but it will cause you to question everything about your relationship.

He has to go on this journey and you have to take care of yourself now.

You will get through this. It takes much time and hard work. There are many things that you can do that will help you but be really patient with yourself and kind to yourself.

Read RCR's articles. They will help you to understand his crisis and start you on the road to healing.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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bar girls
#5: July 23, 2020, 05:14:11 PM
I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I'm glad you found us. 

If you could tell us more about the big picture it would really help. When was your bomb drop? How long were you married? Kids? etc...

If you're new to this situation, be sure and take care of yourself. Drink water, take deep breaths, exercise, sleep.

xyzcf is right - you WILL get through this.

And we do understand, so please don't hesitate to share here. We've all been through the wringer and we've all seen the crazy.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread:

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Re: bar girls
#6: July 24, 2020, 02:18:04 PM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: bar girls
#7: July 25, 2020, 10:23:03 AM
bumping this thread up.

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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."


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