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Author Topic: My Story I just needed time

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My Story I just needed time
OP: July 24, 2020, 08:14:48 AM
New to the forum. Not even sure how this all works. But here is my story...
I've been married 16 years. We have a 10nl year old and a 15 year old. I thought life was great. I thought we had finally reached safe place in our marriage where I could trust 100%. Then the pandemic hit. My husband hours got cut, he seemed very stressed but wouldn't talk about it. I felt him distancing himself but I just thought he was dealing with the stress in his own way.
We never really fought, we would calmly discuss any issues in our marriage. We always took time to calm down before we discuss the things that bothered us.
On may 13th (6 days after our anniversary) he said he felt empty inside. I begged him to seek counseling but he refused. Saying a therapist was going to be able to tell him how to feel better. He just kept talking about how he didnt feel like he thought he was suppose to feel on the inside.
He left that night to sleep in his truck. He says he still is sleeping in his truck except the 3 times he stayed at his mom's house. He has distance himself from all friends and family. I thinkh bcause they kept trying to convince him that this isn't the answer to his problems.
He will only tell me what's going on inside his head and heart, and it's all extremely depressed words. Even using the phrase "crippling depression". I watched the man I love disappear in an instant. He use to has such a positive outlook on life, he always made people laugh, and hated to see anyone upset. But he has blown up our family.
 I have been a stay at home mom for most of our marriage. I am now searching for a job so I can take care of the kids and I. But it's been a struggle with covid. I can't afford to keep our house soninwill have to move into an apartment with our kids. We had such a beautiful life, the things and relationship that people dream of. But it was all a lie.
He was hiding his depression so well, that I had no idea it was that bad. I thought I knew him better than I knew myself at times. I am so scared of the future, so sad for him, devastated for our kids, and absolutely heart broken.
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« Last Edit: July 24, 2020, 09:53:59 AM by Songanddance »

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New to the forum, heart broken
#1: July 24, 2020, 09:07:27 AM
I'm sorry you are here, my friend, but glad you found us.

There will be plenty of things to share and discuss as you navigate what is likely to be a hard and confusing road.
But you are not alone and we get it.

I only wanted to say two things...
That how you feel right now is normal. You won't always feel exactly how you do today, but it is completely normal.

And that your previous life was not a lie. It may have now changed irrecoverably and the future is not going to be as you thought. It may even be true that your h always had a tiny unexplored emotional bomb in him that you didn't know about and even he probably didn't entirely see either. And it may turn out to be true that there were things going on in the run up to this of which you were unaware, maybe for a year or two, also quite common. But your previous life before that was not a lie. It's important that you hold on to that bc often in the chaos our spouses rewrite history completely.....that can be crazymaking so trying not to get sucked into that will help you.

How can we best support you right now?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: New to the forum, heart broken
#2: July 24, 2020, 09:56:54 AM
Hi Gray - welcome to the forum that no one wants to be invited to join but you will be very glad you did.

Your H is suffering from depression. Is there anything else to tell us so that we can help you understand a little more.

He may be having a midlife transition rather than full blown crisis or a crisis is on the way and he has just dropped a " small" BD.

If you can post more of your story then we can help.
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BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

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New to the forum, heart broken
#3: July 24, 2020, 10:43:43 AM
Hi Gray,

Welcome to Heros Spouse.

I think you will find it amazing reading the many stories that sound so similar. Even now, I was nodding my head as I read your description...good sound marriage, ability to resolve issues peacefully, long time marriage and then out of nowhere he leaves.

It is shocking and causes many difficulties for the LBSer.

I wanted to address this:

Quote
We had such a beautiful life, the things and relationship that people dream of. But it was all a lie.

The life you had before the depression and crisis hit was real Gray. When you look at photos of your family and remember the many many memories together, that was real.

My husband gave me an eternity band ring on our 30th anniversary with a card that said "thank you for the best 30 years of my life, I can't wait to spend the next 30 years with you" but we didn't make it to 32. Everyone we knew could not believe the things he did, or that he would leave our marriage..it did not seem possible.

We do question if it was real, but try not to rewrite your history....he may disagree and say all kinds of things that will make it sound that he's not been happy for a long time.....that just is not true...but right now, in his mind, he thinks it is.

Somehow, you have to face what needs to be done to protect yourself and your children financially. I am glad to hear that you are looking for work and/or  further education to help you to get a good job. MLC can last for years and it is really important that you can provide for yourself and your family.

You may wish to seek legal advice. You don't have to do anything permanent but you can start to obtain copies of your financial records, band account balances, credit card and other debts...keeping track of all your expenses for a couple of months is a way to be able to understand what your expenses are should you at some point need to file (or he files). Lots of experience here and ask as many questions as you wish.

I found it important to separate the "business" from my emotions in order to make sure that I protected what was rigghtfully mine.

Really important is to read RCR's articles.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Sometimes we get caught up on reading members stories and writing to one another and that is great support but understanding what MLC is helps a great deal...you may find you read these articles several times.

Take care of your health. Exercise is really helpful to deal with your own depression and anxiety. Choose good foods to eat and get enough sleep. Find a therapist and start creating a life of your own.

This is not about you and not about your marriage. Many friends and family will not understand the concept of MLC, but it is real and very confusing to the LBS....

I am sorry you are here. Be kind and gentle to yourself
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: New to the forum, heart broken
#4: July 24, 2020, 02:12:56 PM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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New to the forum, heart broken
#5: July 24, 2020, 05:03:32 PM
Hi Gray

Sound advice on RCR’s articles here.  I created a whole binder of them which I’ve probably read a thousand times.  She is brilliant and they all make sense of the nonsensical.
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« Last Edit: July 24, 2020, 05:10:17 PM by megogirl »

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I just needed time
#6: July 27, 2020, 04:56:04 AM
I thought he was giving me time to get a job and get things in order before we went further in with the divorce. I even talked t ok nhim about it a few days ago. And he said he is just hanging out, or waiting....something like that.

I had training today for the first time. I let him come to the house and be with the kids while I was gone. Because he's supposedly been sleeping in his truck for 2 1/2 months. That way he had somewhere to be with the kids.
Then at 930, right before bed, he texts me and said he told his lawyer to set a court date because we couldn't come up with an agreement. I really thought he had some compassion and was giving me time to get my life in order. I was so wrong.

He thinks because he takes our kid to practice and to doctors appointments that he is doing me a favor. It's called parenting! I am so furious. I am mad at myself for believing he cared at all about what I am going through. My kids say he is different with them. That he gets so angry with them and guilt trips them anytime they get a little upset about anything. He is not the same person he use to be. He has completely changed and become so selfish.

Everytime I think he is trying to be decent it turns into something he can just say "well I did that one thing". It's so crazy! I am so angry! I guess its making it easier for me to let him go though. He makes it very clear that he has turned into a depressed monster. Now I wish we were divorced already.
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« Last Edit: July 27, 2020, 08:03:08 AM by Songanddance »

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I just needed time
#7: July 27, 2020, 05:16:27 AM
Attaching
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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I just needed time
#8: July 27, 2020, 06:52:17 AM
Hi Gray,

I merged your previous thread with the new one that you started. We ask members to use the same thread to tell their story until you reach 150 posts. That way it makes it easier for others to follow along.

This is key:

Quote
He is not the same person he use to be.

The problem for the LBSer is that it is difficult for us to comprehend the total change in them. Things that we never dreamed they would do, they do. They don't talk to us about their plans, but make decisions based on what they want and their needs.

It is very very hard for us to "accept" that this is the person we knew for so long. It is vital that we take steps to protect ourselves, for they are not going to.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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I just needed time
#9: July 27, 2020, 07:00:00 AM
Thank you I don't know how to add to my previous post. Not even sure if I am doing the reply right at this moment.
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I just needed time
#10: July 27, 2020, 07:10:19 AM
Yes, you got it Gray. You can always go to your profile and click on "posts" and then "topics" and that will bring you to your latest thread. Sometimes they do get buried in all the other threads.

So sorry about your husband pushing forward with seeing a lawyer...what I had to tell myself was to separate the "business" from my "emotions" for we have to get this right..for we only get one shot at it.

It is all so overwhelming that to deal with all the feelings of them leaving and then to even think about something like a divorce is very very hard.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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I just needed time
#11: July 27, 2020, 01:44:11 PM
Welcome Gray . I am sorry about your situation , I have been in the exact same boat. Most of us ( if not all) have been thru what you are describing. We never recognized our spouse . It is excruciatingly painful . That you are damn good and angry sound right to me ,even normal given the situation.  We can offer support and understanding here and bits and pieces of advice as we share our  journey with you. Please try to focus on you and your children as there truly is nothing you can do about your spouses crisis. You did not break him and you cannot fix him and in all honesty it has absolutely nothing to do with you or your marriage. Keep reading and posting, take very good care of yourself and know that you are far from alone .
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Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

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I just needed time
#12: July 27, 2020, 11:17:30 PM
Hi Gray

My ex was exactly the same. He told me that he was doing me a favour whenever he took the kids (to give me a break) and then when he had the kids he was so angry that they weren't appreciative of the time he was giving them.  I even had him return my 10 year old because the 10 year old wasn't happy enough to see him. I honestly don't know how I kept my mouth closed that time. I sometimes now get text messages from the ex about how good the boys are and that I am amazing. If I reply I just say 'I know'.

My ex also disposed of me so quickly my head was spinning. I had all the child custody and financial settlements given to me within 2 months of him leaving. He really didn't/doesn't give a cr@p about me.  He then divorced me as soon as legally possible.

20 years erased in less than 1 year - he worked quick. Honestly, for me I just don't engage with him. His life seems miserable (from what I can see). I have learnt the art of parenting alone. It is sad and you can cry and get angry but you will grow and get stronger. The first year was hard. OMG at this stage of my life nothing has been harder. The crying was exhausting, the burning in my throat from all the things I wanted to say hurt so much.

BUT
You will find joy again. You will think of them from time to time and it won't hurt. I think I am 2 years out now. Still so early in the process and still with so far to go. But you know what. I am awesome.
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M 39
H 40
Together 20yrs
Married 11yrs
S 10
S 8
BD Jul/Aug 2018

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I just needed time
#13: July 28, 2020, 08:08:39 AM
Hi Gray,
so sorry for your pain.  I just want to reach out to you and tell you there are so many of us that were in utter shock on BD.  Between the shock and unbearable pain you must still live your life for yourself and your children.  My BD was on 5/2019 after H and I planned a 6 week trip on 9/19 to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary with our kids in Italy.

This is a great place to vent, ask questions and receive guidance.  All of our MLC'rs are unique in their own way but surprisingly they have so much in common.  One of the best things you can do right now is to research, read and learn all that you can about MLC. The MLC PHENOMENON is real! 

Post often and let it all out!!
((HUGS)) 5Hil
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