Skip to main content

Author Topic: Discussion Separation Agreement

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2710
  • Gender: Female
Discussion Separation Agreement
OP: July 28, 2020, 09:16:43 AM
Righto boys and gals I had a dream that it is time to put an official Separation Agreement in place. Those of you who know me and my weirdness know that I take these messages seriously so I have spent all morning doing this.

I first went on a website that 'makes you a free printable one', of course at the end they want card details for you to pay to print it. I decided instead to use all their legal mumbo jumbo and just write it out myself...word for word, line for line. It looks pretty good so far and is a great starting point.

My ultimate goal is to get a 'first draft' going, have it checked by a lawyer, offer it to Beast to do the same. I can then make any amendments as required, repeat until we are both happy to sign. This document will serve as a form of protection, and if found fair can be used in the final D.

Currently I live in the UK so UK law is more important, but all information will be valid and looked at. What I am wanting to discuss here with you guys is things you forgot in your separation/divorce settlement that you wish you hadn't? Anything that you didn't add into the clause that bit you in the ass later? Anything that you did add, and you were grateful for... that kind of thing.

Currently I have covered: Background, Living Separately, Children, Child Custody and Visitation (including birthdays and holidays), Child Maintenance (including sharing 50% of unexpected costs such as dental, mental, or physical things not covered by insurance, and 50% of out of pocket child care costs.), the Matrimonial home, Income, Division of property (already done), Debts (listing each individual debt we are responsible for, and stating any further debt incurred responsibility of the one taking it out), big General provisions section about offering documents and discussing changes in writing and blah blah blah.

Things I am still needing to look at:
-Spousal Maintenance -Currently I receive none. I am happy to continue to receive none from him, and thus him none from me. I am not sure if this is the best move on not. In UK they refer to this as a clean break and is considered optimal I believe.
-Life Insurance- Not currently in this document. I feel like there should be a clause somewhere that states if I kick the bucket, my life insurance is to be paid to the welfare of the kids and raising them, not a check written to Beast to blow in the Bahamas. In the reverse I am happy for the same. I think this is really important for me because if he were to pass away, I do not have family or that to rely on here.
-In that realm he also pays the bare minimum child support at the moment. I am aware that can change on many factors. I wonder if there is supposed to be a clause somewhere that says it should be reviewed if he has a significant income increase, and thereby a significant income decrease?


So looking for everyone here to comment on the above, and anything else it looks like I have missed or you personally feel is super important.

Disclaimer: I know you are not lawyers. I will seek professional law advice before anything is signed. Just looking for some knowledgeable 'Mom' and 'Dad' advice if you know what I mean.

Thanks for the Help.  :)

  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Separation Agreement
#1: July 28, 2020, 10:34:20 AM
Mort, I am not from the UK so I have a few questions.

Would you need to name an executor (the person responsible for distributing your insurance money for your kids)? Or would that be a court appointed person?

Would this be best to be put in a Will?
 
May I ask who is stated, as your beneficiary, on you life insurance?  Because here the beneficiary can use the money however they see fit.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10501
  • Gender: Female
Separation Agreement
#2: July 28, 2020, 11:17:16 AM
Retrospective date of separation with regard to any individual debt? Just in case Beast has done grown up enough to get his own credit card or store cards? And you can run a credit check on something like Experian maybe?

I agree with Thunder that an executor (or indeed a lawyer as executor if you don't have a friend/family suitable in the event that you were knocked down by a bus  ::) )

Anything about (not) restricting your right to move with the kids elsewhere in the UK say, as I'm assuming you will have primary custody and as you get into KickA$$ Career Morte, there may be fab work opportunities that require you to move? And I guess I'm assuming that Beast is unlikely to be moving off very far for great adventures or work.....
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3305
  • Gender: Female
Re: Separation Agreement
#3: July 28, 2020, 12:50:25 PM
-ability to travel out of the country- requirements for notification and permission

-costs for school field trips, musical instruments, school photos, extracurricular lessons, etc.

- life insurance- in case of your demise, $ goes to an account that a trustee administers until they reach the age of ________, in case of his demise- you administer until they reach the age of _________. KEY- who pays the life insurance premium and how do you have surety that is is continually paid?

- legal costs in case one party does not abide by the agreement- if he ignores something he has signed, does he have to pay for your legal representation to hold him to account?

- spell out how kids are introduced to a new partner

- how must the other parent be notified in case of an emergency if the kids are at school or with the other parent

- clarity in how retirement funds are divided


  • Logged
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

F
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1089
  • Gender: Female
Separation Agreement
#4: July 28, 2020, 02:14:45 PM
I know here in the states child support is ever changing.  If either of you make more/less it changes automatically.  Also depending on the number of days with each parent.
  • Logged
Married 20 years
Husband is 43
Me-39
4 kids 6-15 years old

BD-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).
Spring 2019 H agreed to put off the divorce another school year to keep the kids and I from moving back to TX.
2020-He has continued to help out when asked and be polite.  I do think he questions his choices at times.  I do not believe he has OW.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3838
  • Gender: Female
Separation Agreement
#5: July 28, 2020, 05:15:52 PM
In regards to the division of property, make sure it is spelled out that each of you already has what you decided on and that anything left in someone else's possession becomes their property to use or dispose of as they wish. Just saying "Beast gets the china" and not specifying that he already HAS the china opens you up for him coming back and saying where's my china? And of course you won't have it because he already got it. And please don't say "He would never do that."  ;)
  • Logged
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 897
  • Gender: Male
Re: Separation Agreement
#6: July 29, 2020, 12:18:33 AM
- how must the other parent be notified in case of an emergency if the kids are at school or with the other parent

As word of experience....  Also define what classifies as "emergency" and define the timeframe within which you should be notified.  Otherwise you might feel robbed out when something happens and you are not duly notified  (been there and it does not feel nice at all).   

I personally want to get within half hours every time there is a sitch that requires medical attention.  What I do then is really up to me.... And I live by what I preach. If something happens to kids,  STBXW will know somewhat immediately.   

It might be also worth to check out /re-inforce that you are the shared ICE contact of kids on hospital records + phone contacts.

Alvin.
  • Logged
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

  • *
  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 698
  • Gender: Male
Separation Agreement
#7: July 29, 2020, 06:47:02 AM
In my case, I wish I would have been more specific about what belonged to whom. Some clause about "what remains in home x is property of resident of home x" or something like that. Things I assumed were implied were things my XW wanted to renegotiate. So I've had to deal with items disappearing when she visited as well as having to sort through junk she left here. A piece of paper wouldn't fix MLC entitlement, but I wish I would have been more detailed and relied less on good faith. But that was just my experience.
  • Logged
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 263
  • Gender: Female
  • I never liked rollercoasters....
Separation Agreement
#8: July 29, 2020, 06:49:57 AM
I was just at the lawyer's yesterday. One thing she recommended which may be interesting for you:  to share expenses for the children's education AND ANCILLARY EXPENSES right up until (insert: end of college, they find a job, etc). This means that you wouldn't be the sole responsible for paying college tuition, monthly rents for their accommodation while they're studying, books and expensive equipment, etc. 
  • Logged
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city.
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins but contact with OW continues.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW. Continues seeing her anyway.
April-June 2020 - H moves home. While "rebuilding", H continues contact and some PA with OW (BD2).
July 2020 - H leaves home, fence-sits.
Aug 2020 - H plays heavy pingpong, then announces he will rent a place with OW "at least temporarily"
Aug 2020 - I decided enough is enough. Filing for D.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.