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Author Topic: My Story Living in Limbo 2

C
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My Story Living in Limbo 2
OP: July 28, 2020, 08:20:42 PM
New thread if someone could attach my old ones please and thank you!

Here you are - UM : https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11229

Well S 22 and his girlfriend moved in with H. Though he still has never told me where he moved. He has not spoken to me since July 8th. I did text him when his best friend ( my best friends son) ended up in the ER and he was in diabetic ketosis. His sugar was 731 and they kept him in the ICU. He has now been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. S 22 replied to my text that his best friend was in the hospital and to pray for him by asking why and never responded to anything else I told him about it, so I stopped texting... he never even texted his friend ... won't talk to me and won't talk to his brother. My counselor says he seems like an 8 or 9 year old that int love mommy and daddy at the same time and it is worse since he won't talk to anyone or discuss his feelings. He says that all along he has supported me and that really shows what he thinks and feels but he is trying to create reason to be mad so he can justify living with H.

On a positive I have cleaned out my second storage unit and am going through the remnants to donate or sell and organized the first one. I have built myself a sewing table and have been organizing everything in that room and have been sewing again. I am still working on losing the weight I put back on during the last few months and am down 12.5 , it is a positive start.

So the question I have tonight is that I am going to meet with the new L on monday , this will be our first meeting in person and our second conversation ( one was consult call). This is for preparation for the divorce trial on the 19th. My friend and I created a very thorough timeline for her to help catch her up to speed since she is coming in at the end. I am definitely more confident with her abilities but have no idea what her strategy is ... This would be easier if I just wanted to take him to the cleaners and be vindictive .. but since I am standing for my marriage , I want what is fair... so then....

what suggestions do you all have that I should ask her when I meet on Monday?

I always tend to think of a bunch of stuff I didn't ask when I was with my last L. so your suggestions will help...

There is not a whole lot of time for oh i thought of this ... So many of you all have been though this .. so I appreciate your insight...







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« Last Edit: July 31, 2020, 02:33:52 AM by UrsaMajor »
Caroline

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Living in Limbo 2
#1: July 30, 2020, 10:36:17 PM
Sorry you're going through this Caroline. I was fortunate enough to avoid a divorce trial, so I don't have any experience to share on that. But I would encourage you to put your business hat on when meeting with the attorney. Sure, you don't want to be hateful or vindictive, but you may have to be firm and tough in order to get what it is fair. If your starting position is the middle and H's is 90/10, you may end up at 70/30. I would trust and empower your attorney to do the posturing and be the bad guy.

I might suggest writing or printing a list of questions and then highlighting them or crossing them out with a red pen when you have an answer to them. That way you don't forget anything. Time is money with attorneys.

Congrats on losing the weight!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Living in Limbo 2
#2: July 31, 2020, 02:31:40 AM
I'm adding my voice to PJ's here. You need to put on the business hat. STBXH is going to see you as hateful and vindictive no matter what you do because you are defending yourself and not just rolling over.

Let your attorney go in loaded for bear and get you what is legally and rightfully yours - no more but certainly no less either.

As far as S22 goes, well, he has made his choice now and gets to live with it and the associated consequences. It is out of your control. Yes, it is sad but it is HIS choice to do what he has done so, chalk it up to a learning experience for him and let him deal with the situation he has created....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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C
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Re: Living in Limbo 2
#3: August 04, 2020, 09:21:11 PM
So my S32 's fiancee sent me H latest post on fb and it said
Manipulating a son or daughter to make them hate their father or mother is one of the most despicable things a human being can do

I guess as the trial gets closer he is beginning to spew again...

He called S32 today three times within 2 minutes so he answered thinking something was wrong and he wanted to invite him to come spend the weekend with him and he had to gloat that S22 is living with him. S 22 girlfriend lied to my best friend about where she was living since she is living there too... Of course S32 can't stand him and doesn't ever want to see him again..

I met with the new attorney:
She calculated the numbers: he is claiming 30,000 in cc debt and he has 7K in retirement ( he spent the 12k in october from his ira).
My retirement is calculated at 163,000 and my other one at 64,000 ( if I live for 12 years after retirement ) and she told me that if we go to court he will get half. so it is best for me to settle give him the house..

She definitely is willing to defend me .. but was honest that I have a lot to gamble if I don't settle...
She asked his attorney for a number to settle and he said I could pay H 20,000.. she said she laughed... He tried to say I should pay the business debt and she told him that it is a corporation of which I am not a signer....

I found out that my other attorney and his attorney despise  each other which is why they never negotiated..

His attorney told my attorney that I refused to sign the mediation... His attorney left early and then he began the no money ...
which we are back to I guess...

I found out he has paid his attorney 50,000 dollars .. that is crazy!!!

My attorney told me H's business is a hot mess and he has so much business debt he may end up losing the company. She said looking at his numbers she said he is bring in a million a year but that his business debt is crazy and he is paying out a ton... but he is paying himself more 135,000 now.. which she says will cause him to lose it faster....

My attorney asked his if he ever ran the numbers and he said no he just took them from H... she told him you trusted numbers from a guy who said christmas trees were worth 10- 15 thousand ??? I asked her if his attorney is aware that H is not ok and she said yes...
In the end of the meeting he told her that he hates H and wants it over so he can stop dealing with him.

So my attorney is offering the following....
He pays my attorneys fees from mediation on since he refused to sign when we had an agreement. He amends the 2018 taxes which would erase the 1900 debt and I would get half of that refund... I keep my pensions and my annuity. I keep my debt and the bed.
He would not have to pay alimony ( which she said would be minimal if any). He gets his debt, the boat, the old truck, the 4 wheeler, the house and his retirement. She said if we add it all up he would get 43,000 in assets after his debt is paid.. and I would have 187,000. She told me while my pension doesnt feel tangible , in the long run he gets the worse end of the deal. She said she would never let a client take the deal because he loses half my pension.....

I told her I wanted to talk to my dad and pray about it and told her to send the offer... She said even though I want my marriage to work that he obviously isn't ok and his responses and business paperwork along with his actions show that.. She said if I ever want to remarry that I need to get a prenup to protect my pension...

One thing she pointed out is that while he has tried to show how bad i screwed up with money... he is in major debt and 54 years old with 7k for retirement and I am 55 with 233K for retirement to date... and my debt is minimal compared to mine... ( I have been paying mine off.. )

So now I just wait to see if he accepts the offer ... and as much as I wanted a court date ... i will lose half my pension if we go.. and will have to take on additional debt of his..

While I know that we have been "physically divorced" the finality of it seems so hard.. I know i will survive but I am very sad that he is still living in the fog... and it just feels like he has no consequences for his actions and that he is getting everything that he wanted out of it .. and me gone... and it of course hurts that he is moving on like it is just another day and he doesn't feel anything...

How did all of you deal with the finality of the D and realizing that the hope of your spouse coming around before it was final faded quickly?
I do believe God wants me to continue to stand. But am trying to figure out where I want to go from here...






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Caroline

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Living in Limbo 2
#4: August 05, 2020, 12:20:34 AM
Quote
How did all of you deal with the finality of the D and realizing that the hope of your spouse coming around before it was final faded quickly?

Fwiw as a sample of one....
It was a challenge bc it seemed like my beliefs and reality were not on the same page at all. Including my faith beliefs.
It was obvious though that I couldn't change reality, so all I could do was look at what I believed.
I stopped believing that these spouses 'come around'.......I think, if they ever recover, it is a life-altering experience for them too and there is no 'return to how it was', only an unpredictable and unknown rebuilding. Which may or may not happen. And which may or may not include us.

I came to believe that, rather than saving my marriage, perhaps God in reality was saving me from further damage in being married to someone behaving like my then h. That God did not see me as acceptable collateral damage, that he wanted me to get up off my knees and to do so with as much grace as I could find. That there was a story that was not my story, full of unknown things. And that letting go was perhaps about more things than just letting go of my h and my m.

I started to see it as being more like an unexplained death really. Not caused by me and not preventable by me no matter how much I wished it were. But reality nonetheless.

It sounds as if you are getting good support from your L and that she/he knows that your stbxh is not behaving like a sane decent adult. All you can do is follow her advice and protect yourself from the awful insanity of it the best you can. And fwiw, it sounds as if there are quite a lot of consequences stacking up for your h bc of his wider actions....he may not care about them, he may blame you or his L or your L or others.....but the consequences will be there for him regardless. Please don't be afraid of his spew, Caroline (it is all projective BS) or even about what you imagine might happen if you go to trial......facts are facts, and it sounds as if your L has a firm grasp on them.

An MLC flavoured divorce process is in itself exhausting and incomprehensible. What you may find is that the finalisation of a divorce you never wanted bizarrely, along with the grief, also brings a kind of respite from the drama and trauma. Tbh I don't think I really started to begin to heal until the process was behind me. There is a funny kind of safety and peace in that.
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« Last Edit: August 05, 2020, 12:22:14 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Living in Limbo 2
#5: August 05, 2020, 04:45:28 AM
Caroline,

I have to agree with what Treasur said so make it a sample of 2.....

As long as there was the "Limbo" of being separated and not divorced, I found myself stuck. Despite having gotten a life, making new friends, dating, the works, I was still not really able to "move forward" in my life. Once the D was final and the ink was dry, there was sorrow, yes, but also a sense of relief and finality - of moving through the door on to the next part of my life. 

Your new L sounds like she is really looking out for you and it sounds like, despite it sounding like STBXH is getting what he wants, he is still walking away with less than if he were to go to court and you will have more in the end. The retirement is a HUGE issue and hes already apparently burning through his while you are building yours.  This is essentially trading "stuff" now for a secure future and, in the long run, is a better game plan in my view.

Since your H's lawyer seems to hate your H because he is so unstable, his L may just tell him that he's getting a great deal and should sign the papers, if nothing else, to make your H go away and get out of his office.

H's spending is NOT your issue to deal with and the sooner you get out from under that swinging ax, the better off you'll be.

Finally, MLC trumps D any day and, on the chance that your H one day gets his head out of his .... fog.... you can take it form there. But, your L has a VERY good point... You need a Pre-Nup to protect your retirement.....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

C
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Re: Living in Limbo 2
#6: August 10, 2020, 08:29:35 PM
Thanks Ursa and Treasur,
 You words really do help....

I heard from my attorney today and STXH denied even knowing about the violin ( even though he found it and told. S22 to. bring it to me). Then hours later called his L.  and said I think. I know what she is talking about. He wont pay for attorneys fees and didnt want to amend taxes since that would. benefit. me. My lawyer saw where they had agreed to amend and my old L did nothing. SO she sent it back for that. I feel like he is getting. everything and I do know my pension is big deal but i am walking away from. a 25 year marriage with what I worked for... and a broken heart and nothing more. After all he has done. and he still has the bargaining power. Just funny how his chief complaint other than the false accusations about me cheating) is that I was the one mismanaging. money...  and yet I am not in debt up to my eyeballs and I have a retirement.

His nephew came to town for ball this weekend and my sister in law who. has supported me all this time came and she did nt even. tell me she was coming. She was a mile away and she lives 6 hours away. never called said hi or anything. I think it is time to just let his whole family go.. SHe did take pictures and STBX has the fakest smile and has gained a ton of weight. He definitely doesnt look happy. 

I am heartbroken as it looks like I will be divorced this week or next.. if there is no agreement then we go to court next Wednesday..  It just
sucks... and while emotionally it would have been hard to go to court... I. realize that I probably wont see him again and that is sad too.

I know it is ok to. be. heartbroken and sad and. it is seeing my dream of him coming. out of it before the divorce die.... Wish. I could just run away..  but my heart would go with me.. I t is just so hard.. and he feels nothing which makes it harder.. 
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Caroline

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Living in Limbo 2
#7: August 11, 2020, 05:57:02 AM
Caroline,

I am sorry. I have nothing to offer - just to say that I am thinking of you and praying for you at this difficult time. Remember, God never leaves or forsakes us, however dark it may seem.

((((Hugs))))
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M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Living in Limbo 2
#8: August 11, 2020, 06:18:10 AM
Caroline,

Everything, absolutely everything about this hurts. It feels as though we have no say in anything, other than to have input into a settlement agreement that we never wanted...... and they have no compassion or empathy for us.....it is almost impossible to comprehend.

Praying for you to find peace. After the ink dries, it will take some time...but then bit by bit, the pain fades, and you will regain your own life and it will be good......

There really is nothing we can do about this....it's in their hands alone.

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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Living in Limbo 2
#9: August 11, 2020, 06:40:27 AM
I know it hurts, Caroline, more than you or me or even wise xyz have words for. I hope it helps just a little to know we get it and that we are tucked away in your virtual pocket giving you a hug.

I remember hearing an LBS describe it as being like a bomb that blows everything up followed by a tornado that takes everything left away followed by an amputation of divorce....but he also said that a limb is amputated bc it is no longer functional and would put your life at risk were it not.....and that we then can learn to use the rest of our body differently in a way that counterbalances the reality of what we used to do with two arms without thinking.

There is peace and a chance to adapt in peace on the other side of this, Caroline. I can say so bc a lot of us found that it was a relief in the end to not have the 'infection' in our lives as we did before the divorce was finalised. Somehow, slowly, it gives you permission to let go and care less about what you used to care about....and care more about things that serve and heal and make you smile.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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