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Author Topic: My Story Not sure what this is, but it ain't easy!

L
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My Story Not sure what this is, but it ain't easy!
OP: July 30, 2020, 10:10:58 PM
Hi all

Just wanted to share my story with you. I have been in a relationship with my W (turning 40 next month) for 14 years, married for 11 years. We have had a pretty good relationship, although not without its problems on both sides, I definitely have trouble communicating my feelings and vulnerabilities at times. We had a son in 2016, and his conception was the last time we had sex, due to her tiredness and her feelings of a lack of emotional connectivity, I was ok to stay by her side despite this because I love her and she is my wife. In March last year we moved to a new city and this caused a lot of unhappiness in her, she felt lonely and isolated, the move was for my work. Her mother also moved to the new city to be close to her grandson. In August her mum unexpectedly passed away and my W was the one to find her. Over the next few months, I did everything I could to support her yet she tells me that I wasn't there for her.

In November last year, we were sitting on the couch and she suggested a separation, to see other people and see if this led us back to each other because things were not working and we were unhappy. Because of how miserable she had been and the need to feel attractive and liked by someone, I stupidly agreed. We agreed to be open and honest about who we were seeing and what was happening, we also agreed to stay living together as a family, team and best friends. To this extent, not all much changed between us except a few dates here and there. In March we moved back to our previous city so that she didn't have to be around a constant reminder of her mother. Despite being seperated, we bought a new house together, new car and renovated the new place. We hadn't told friends or family that we were even seperated yet, this was her wish, as was saying that the seperation happened prior to her mum's passing when we did finally start telling people.

In April of this year, I started to see a girl who I actually liked and the W started making life very difficult for me. After sleeping with her for the first time, she told me that any chance of reconciliation was over. Soon after, I realised that this was not the life I wanted and brought up the prospect of reconciliation, which for a brief period, seemed to be a possibility. Then all of a sudden on the morning of our first date, W said that it was not a date and that the date was a joke and she thought I knew that. At the lunch she told me of OM whom she wished to be friends with benefits with. Since that day things have spiralled completely.

She is now completely dishonest with me about everything and when I catch her out she uses further dishonesty. She repeatedly lied about seeing OM, manipulating me and telling me that she would never do that because her previous bf had lied and cheated on her and she's knows how awful that is. Her core values have always been don't lie and don't cheat. Despite this she lies to me now on a daily basis about OM, to the point where I had to read some messages of hers to find out the truth. What I found out that she had been sleeping around and seeing OM since the beginning of the year and had even given out her details to a guy when we were still together.

She has withdrawn from most of her old friends and does not seem to be the same person anymore. She is still a good mother, but there a signs of that being less of a priority too now. I have told her I love her still and want her back, and have been told that she no longer has those feelings for me and never will. She sees OM now any chance she gets, but always hides it. When angry she threatens lawyers, divorce and all sorts of unpleasantness. She in no way takes responsibility for her lying and is angry at me for looking at her messages, which she says is unforgivable. She had a boob job in Feb and is getting tattoos for the first time next week. She has told me that she does not feel comfortable in the house with me, yet stays when she has nowhere else to go.
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Not sure what this is, but it ain't easy!
#1: July 31, 2020, 02:51:44 AM
Hmmmmmm .......

Walks like a duck, flies like a duck, looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, swims like a duck, poops like a duck and, when cooked (caught in a lies) tastes (reacts) like a duck... Guess what? IT'S A DUCK!

The one thing I see here is that, from her perspective, although you had "agreed" to see other people, she wasn't ready for that to actually happen on your side. She expected you to be sitting on the porch waiting for her return in your rocking chair and crocheting lace doilies while producing a pile of boogery tissues from crying in your beer.

First things first: Boob jobs and tats are not cheap. Where is the money coming from? You need to lock down YOUR finances and get a plan in place where you are not going to end up in bankruptcy because she is tossing money out the window like water going over Niagara Falls. You said that you just bought a house AND a car. That tells me that you are in debt up to your eyeballs and that is NOT a good place to be when an MLC'er goes off the rails. Make sure that the accounts used to pay the mortgage and car payments are secure and safe from "gimme gimme gimme, I want, I want, I want" spending.

2nd: her threats to get a lawyer are, in fact, an early indication of her intentions. You do NOT need to put one on retainer but getting a consultation would be a VERY good idea to know what your rights and responsibilities are. Doesn't mean you need to pull the trigger but you DO need to be informed and able to respond if and when she does.

3rd: Tattoo THIS on the inside of your eyelids so you see it constantly - "This is NOT my crisis. I didn't cause it. I can't fix it." This is HER crisis and there are a couple of options available for you.... Her crisis is like an F5 tornado coming your way. You can go outside, stand there, wave your arms, yell and scream at it, get sucked in, chewed up, and whatever is left spit out the other side or you can get into a tornado shelter, ride it out and when it is passed, survey the damage and see if there is a way to repair or start over.  You can NOT control it, shorten it, make it easier for her.... The only thing that you have control over in this situation is YOU - How YOU respond (do NOT react), how YOU choose to deal with what happens.... She is outside of that realm of control.

Others will be here shortly to add to my words but, in my signature line, there are a couple of links to documents that you really need to take a look at, especially the Survival Guide.

This is NOT a race to the finish but an ultra-marathon through the Muddy Mines of Moria

I am really sorry that you had to find us but glad that you did actually find us. You will find that this community (unlike a lot of the real world) understands what you are going through. The real world still tends to see an MLC as some old, half-bald guy with a comb-over wearing gold chains, a shirt opened to his belly button showing off that great grey chest hair, driving a red Corvette with a 20-something leggy blond next to him. They don't see the actual damage that this does on families, relationships, and individuals.

UM

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Not sure what this is, but it ain't easy!
#2: July 31, 2020, 05:18:22 AM
Hello,

I would like to welcome you to the party that no one should ever have to join. UM covered the basics about protecting your finances and he is right. They spend like the wind.

All MLCers lie, they lie to you, they lie to the other person, they lie to friends, they lie to their children, and most of all, they lie to themselves.

The first thing is to stop engaging her in conversations about OM, her, and her whereabouts. You can't lock her in the house and she is going to see him or anyone else. No more relationship talks- it will only bring out more lies or monster. Take your focus off of her and focus on you and your son. Now is the time to have a great relationship with him. Create memories and be there for him since his mother is not fully present.

As UM stated, this is a long haul,

(((((Ready)))))

This is her journey, but your journey as well. You have to learn to live a life as if she may never come back.
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Re: Not sure what this is, but it ain't easy!
#3: July 31, 2020, 01:57:43 PM
I also agree with UM, protect your finances and No discussing the OM, it just makes him important and gives him power.

I was wondering, do you think your W possibly had experienced Post Mortem Depression after you son was born?  Was she ever seen by a doctor for it?
She may have needed therapy to get through it.

I don't know that, but at this point I guess it doesn't matter.

Lost her, if she is unhappy living with you than she should be the one to move out, if anyone does.
You stay put.  Your son needs one stable parent.

Sorry you're going through this.  It's very hard.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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