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Discussion What if they died?
OP: August 01, 2020, 07:33:33 AM
Here’s a question....

What if your MLCer died?  Would you go to the funeral?  Send flowers?  Anything?

The thought crossed my mind this morning as XH kicked off down the highway (God forbid.). What would be an appropriate reaction to his death - especially given my position as an ex, and he’s remarried?
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Re: What if they died?
#1: August 01, 2020, 01:01:46 PM
Mego why would you even ask a question like that?

Your H is fairly young (44) and chances are, unless he has an accident, he should be around for many years.

If something, God forbid, happens down the road you can decide according to what your son wants to do.

His wife will make arrangements.  If you sent anything I think it would be appropriate to send it from your son, only.
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What if they died?
#2: August 01, 2020, 01:18:54 PM
Thunder

I certainly never meant to sound morbid, which is why I said “God forbid.”  It was just one of those moments where your thoughts run wild.  I’m sure we all have those.

Also mortality seems to be so fleeting in these days of COVID-19, and every night I’m treated to the latest death toll via CNN.  So it got me thinking - *what if*?  What would be the protocol, if there even is one?

I’d think so, but not a clear one.  Hence why I started this discussion.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 02:22:37 PM by megogirl »

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What if they died?
#3: August 01, 2020, 02:01:40 PM
Would I go....  It would depend on the question kids or no kids.   The age of kid really makes no difference.  5, 17 or 35 - all the same.  Once a family, always a family. At least locally churches are open for everyone... so technically even strangers can join funerals, weddings, christening etc people they've never met. Even uninvited.  What happens after the "official part" is private and those invited. 

Would I say goodbye in some way ...sure.

Would I visit her grave or take some flowers.... some day, yes.

And all of those I would do "for me"....  because it is part of showing respect and grief process once somebody you knew or loved dies.

Anything else would be just "weird".

Alvin.
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What if they died?
#4: August 01, 2020, 02:26:09 PM
I think a more pressing and practical question, though unpalatable, would be:

‘What if LBS becomes incapacitated or dies?’   

Some of the points to consider are:

Does LBS has a will that is current?
Who is the executor of will?
What happens to the estate?
Who will be the guardian of kids?
Who is going to be the power of attorney if LBS is incapacitated?

And the list goes on. 

Yes, I did address these questions, plus many more, with a family lawyer at the height of H’s MLC.  How could I not?  I have kids.
 
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 02:36:24 PM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

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What if they died?
#5: August 01, 2020, 03:04:48 PM
Wow, Acorn!!  Those are all scenarios I hadn’t even considered.  I was really just thinking about funeral arrangements but I guess it would be an even bigger $h!testorm than I’d first imagined.  Ugh.

Here’s the irony:  I spent the last five years of our marriage bugging him about getting a will in order.  And every time he never had any interest, which always surprised me because this is man who is VERY detail-oriented and generally has his $h!te together.  So it seemed like an obvious no-brainer to me, yet he remained staunchly opposed.

Well, duh....unbeknownst to me he was already in severe replay and denial of the inevitable.  So he balked at the idea of getting a will for a REASON.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 03:49:40 PM by megogirl »

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What if they died?
#6: August 01, 2020, 03:45:30 PM
When I saw the title to this, I thought - who?

I already know the answer.

I saw my FIL die while he was still in full MLC.

I went to the funeral - it was sad, my MIL stayed home, she said she could not play the game of two wives (and he never actually married OW).

We went and we saw the largest wreath written - Missing you eternally, OW and her daughter (step sister to my h.)

We went home and cried together as a family with my MIL.

I think Acorn is right - the focus needs to be on us - are our affairs in order? are our children protected in the event of my death? Have I made arrangements for the disposal of my earthly remains?

As for wills - you take care of yours.
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Re: What if they died?
#7: August 01, 2020, 04:40:01 PM
What a strange question, I only try to live in the here and now. I’ll deal with things as they come in the future, today I need to live MY life.

And my W died in the important sense when her crises bloomed. I already attended that funeral.
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What if they died?
#8: August 01, 2020, 07:42:03 PM
Marvin

I only pontificate on the subject because of COVID - that and a close gf I lost at the age 44.  The cause of her death has yet to be explained, and happened almost simultaneously with BD.  XH even drove me to the airport to attend her services - a weird foreshadowing of the nightmare about to happen. Very quiet, uncomfortable and awkward.

It was the beginning of the end and I’ve yet to get over any of it.
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« Last Edit: August 01, 2020, 07:49:59 PM by megogirl »

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What if they died?
#9: August 02, 2020, 06:41:33 AM
Different scenerios for us for sure. We are still technically married, small kids, the works.

But I would follow my gut. At the moment I would go. 10 years from now though? Hmm. Hard to say but probably I would still go.

When my father died...both of his ex wives (that he had children with), plus his latest girlfriend were there. It wasn't weird at all. They had all shared some part of his life. They all had a right to be there. There had been cheating, and leaving, and all sorts. But you find over the years...when you heal from all that...it won't matter.

Because you aren't necessarily mourning the person they were lately, you were mourning the person that you shared a life with...even if many many years ago.
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