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Author Topic: Discussion What if they died?

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Discussion What if they died?
#10: August 02, 2020, 08:21:40 AM
Mortes

I think I would feel completely differently were this my dad vs. my (now) ex-H.  I don’t think I’d feel the same sense of betrayal that I do now.  I think I’d just be grossed out.

Would I go?  Would I be even welcome there?  These are all questions that I’m hoping will never have to be answered.
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 09:02:30 AM by megogirl »

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Re: What if they died?
#11: August 02, 2020, 08:59:17 AM
Follow your son´s lead while respecting the wishes of his wife?

As more and more time passes, perhaps you will feel that you´ve already grieved his loss- from your life. At that point, it´s more about respect for his wife. If you make equanimity your goal, is will provide you a global peace in your life. That is what the radical acceptance can do for you.
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m
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What if they died?
#12: August 02, 2020, 09:08:52 AM
FTT

I don’t have any respect for his “wife” at all so that would be hard to do.  And I wouldn’t care if she didn’t like it because she certainly didn’t show me any!

Following S17’s lead would be easier.  Because I certainly never want to make him feel uncomfortable or “in the middle.”

I think of the McCain family.  Perhaps McCain’s first wife stopped giving a $h!te.  But was it ok for her to even show up?  I say yes....
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 09:19:35 AM by megogirl »

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What if they died?
#13: August 02, 2020, 09:19:58 AM
Here is my question mego:

What have you done this week to move ahead in your journey? Have you read a good book talked to friends, gone for a walk or a drive somewhere? Are you exploring possibilities for your future, thinking about how long your money is going to last, where you want to live?

This question you have posed is a distraction....you are placing your energy on him, on something that may or may not happen in your lifetime...asking others for their "opinion" on this..what if he dies....what dress dress should I wear to his funeral?

The more important question is how  are you living your life today and how do you plan to live in the future?

Please don't tell me you cannot do anything because of COVID for there are still things that are possible and focusing on your husband's funeral and "protocols" isn't doing much to figure out what you need going forward..in the land of the living and not the dead.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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What if they died?
#14: August 02, 2020, 09:34:16 AM
Xy

Wellllll....I did buy a pair of Christian Louboutins today.  I decided YOLO so I put them on my bucket list and pulled the trigger.  I deserve those red soles damnit.

Does that count?
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 09:42:43 AM by megogirl »

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What if they died?
#15: August 02, 2020, 09:59:08 AM
To be perfectly honest, no.

Buying a pair of $850.00 shoes is not my idea of "growing", nor from my seat on the sofa is a wise move financially.

I was more interested in hearing about what you are working on in therapy to tell you the truth.
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

m
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What if they died?
#16: August 02, 2020, 10:10:15 AM
Xy

I’m still virtually challenged (no office visits,) and it’s not the same at all.  The whole “ritual” aspect of it is gone.  Furthermore my therapist is hardly available every day, in any case.

I bought the shoes because I never, ever do anything like that.  I have always been the one to worry about fiscal responsibility but finally I just said firetruck it.  Maybe they’ll bury me in them (?)

Perhaps I’m in my own MLT.  With a fabulous pair of shoes 👠
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 10:21:11 AM by megogirl »

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Re: What if they died?
#17: August 02, 2020, 10:38:57 AM
Quote
I think of the McCain family.  Perhaps McCain’s first wife stopped giving a $h!te.  But was it ok for her to even show up?  I say yes....

There are many articles online (and I believe a documentary) where Carol McCain and their children speak about the pain of their divorce, but they all go on to say the McCains remained amicable with each other, and the children grew to love Cindy McCain. Carol also went on to work in the Reagan administration post-divorce and established herself in D.C. She did not let the divorce stop her from moving forward with her life or showing grace to John, even supporting his run for the presidency.

I don't know if she attended the funeral, but there would have been no reason why she wouldn't have. She just wouldn't have been part of the "family" in the ceremony.

The topic is one that I think LBSs may ponder in passing, but ultimately, you don't know until you know, and it doesn't serve as a productive, morbid fantasy. Unfortunately, there are LBSs here who *have* lost their MLCers during the crisis (I hope it is not triggering for them), and the grace they've shown at those times has been really moving.

I think Acorn's points aren't ones any of us should gloss over - that we need to focus our energy on making sure our own affairs are in order, should anything happen to us. Too many times, as couples, we left that for someone else to take care of. I am currently taking care of those considerations right now in my own life, and it's sobering but necessary.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: What if they died?
#18: August 02, 2020, 10:45:45 AM
I hadn't thought of this question, but since you ask, I think this is how I would behave. If my H marries the OW, I would not go to the funeral, even if she invites me. I will go to his tomb or someplace special to us and say my good byes and my tears. If he were to die before they marry (I hope not), I would go. He is still the father of my children. They would need me there.

You guys made me think that I should probably have something sorted in case I go, although my kids know some of the things I want. The law in Italy will take care of my will, as the law states that inheritance must be distributed equally between the children. You can not leave a last testament leaving your assets to anyone else if you have kids, or leave more to one kid as opposed to the other. My oldest D26 is slightly estranged from me. She cuts off all contact with me regularly. It would be easy to say my other two children deserve my money more. But that is not how I feel as a mother. I slogged all my life for all three. So I like this law a lot. It prevents parents with a grudge from leaving out one of their kids. Or nasty siblings manipulating the dying parent.

I was frugal during my marriage as we invested so much in building our business. I was hard working and stupid. I never treated myself to anything. I can't treat myself to shoes now, although I'd love to. But I tell myself that I'm treating myself to my S's academy and a future for him. That gives me immense pleasure.

My job is very limited, and I can only really do it where I am. If i had known I was going to end up alone, I would have had a safe career, possibly thinking of retirement not far away. Because I believed in my wedding vows, I'm now left at 55 with a silly job that barely supports me. However, I can manage. If I did not have this job, I'd be looking to re-invent myself. I'm doing it already as I don't think I want to do what I'm doing for ever. I have looked at online courses. There are several jobs that can be done part time, from home, or what ever. They take research and probably a year or two of study. It's not impossible by any means for anyone.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
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OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

m
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What if they died?
#19: August 02, 2020, 11:05:30 AM
Milly

That’s an excellent law.  Prohibits any future family squabbling.

My great-grandmother had two grandchildren, my dad and his sister.  When GG died they learned for whatever reason, she’d left all of her money to his sister/my aunt.  Instead of splitting it (as she originally agreed to, then reneged), she kept it all.  This caused an enormous rift and I resented her for many years until I finally exploded on FB.  She lives less than an hour away but I’ll never talk to her again and couldn’t care less. 

Long story short - wills can certainly be no bueno and divide families forever!
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« Last Edit: August 02, 2020, 11:50:17 AM by megogirl »

 

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