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Author Topic: My Story Remind me later.

t
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My Story Re: Remind me later.
#20: October 13, 2020, 06:16:35 AM
i can’t

even sit down when this is happening
if i do he
climbs into my lap and he’s
way too big ungainly weird for that
and in my just waked shaken mindbody i can’t

anything
whining loud voiced if i don’t
waking neighbors unearthly weird yowping
escalating if i don’t ATTEND EVERY BIZARRE SECOND OF THIS AND I

C A N ‘ T   I
AM
EXHAUSTED

nothing to do about it either except T I M E
sedate the dog and let him winnow it out
w h i n i n g
as if there is ANYTHING i can do to
?

PLAY?

he never dies from these.
i literally do have PTSD from the years of caretaking his condition

nothing to do about it

i do not want to be trapped another 200+ days
in a too small house
where *something* rolls through his brainbody like
a freight train on some nightmare delivery schedule
that no one ever knows

it catapults me into
and out of
as though
i’ve been hit by it
not having seen the oncoming light
nor heard the rumblings
nor the vibration of the rails

off the rails
i don’t want this
didn’t
ever
needed help and h knew it
that was all over three years ago, now

nobody dies from it, this
just disrupts
me.

putting the dog out so that i could use the
bathroom after standing stock still in the front yard for
i don’t know how long
long enough to need to use the bathroom

put the dog out the back
where he just hits at the door and windows and whines
please just let me use the damn bathroom
i sat in the dark and tried to breathe
and couldn’t even cry
which
was fine just
let me use the bathroom in peace god
and then

THE DOOR FLEW OPEN
DOG CAME THROUGH THE FRONT
UGH

NIGHTMARE
NIGHTMARE
. . . - - - . . . M A K E . T H I S . A L L . S T O P . . . - - - . . .

that happened over an hour ago
i am still mental and tremoring
can’t breathe
crate the dog sedate

locked myself in D’s room in the dark after
be
cause
my room
is
h e l l
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Remind me later.
#21: October 13, 2020, 08:51:58 AM
Terra,

I am sorry that you faced that seizure.

I know that when I face the dog fights that sometimes erupt at my place, I have the same feelings as you.

The last time, I was bitten quite badly and yet had to find the strength to separate them and get them kenneled in the two separate kennels, then wash down all the slime and blood that covered the veranda... I don't know how I did it. Then I tended to my wounds, let the trembling subside and still go into each kennel to see what kind of damage they had inflicted on each other - it is tiring and drags the soul out of us, who love animals :'(

This particular dog fight and consequences to me and to them, led to me having to have one week off work! And daily cleaning of their wounds.

The pandemic has helped me, in a way, to imprint some kind of rythm in their lives and I find that I can control both of them a little better now, due to spending more time with them and supervising their changes of guard - while one is in her kennel, the other can be let out and vice versa. Both have spacious kennels with shade and shelter.

I wish you peace and if it helps: take it slowly, secure and clean your room, then deal with the rest - step by step - you will get there, there is only so much we can do at once.



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D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

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Remind me later.
#22: October 13, 2020, 05:44:09 PM
Oh Terra, my heart hurts for you.  I remember some of those feelings.  Since BD, both my children's 4h show bunnies have died in their cages.  I had to be the one to take their bodies, in rigor mortis from their cages and find a place to bury them.  The one died in the month of January and I remember digging, digging, digging the frozen ground thinking that I would never get that hole dug.

And then my dog got sick.  He had genetic diabetes, and he was peeing sticky puddles upon the floor.  And he just got worse and worse.  His kidneys shut down and I remember sitting in the vets office listening to him tell me that I needed to put the dog to sleep.  I've never had to put an animal to sleep before.  It was awful, I will never forget it.  It is so much.  I remember feeling so, so angry at my H for not being there to help me through it.  There was never a scenario where I thought he wouldn't be my partner.  We had promised for better or for worse. 

I used to be a caretaker at school for a student who had grand mal (tonic-clonic) seizures and he would cluster seize.  There was one December before Christmas I felt so helpless as I rubbed his back as he cluster seized and threw up and then cluster seized again, about 22 times in an hour.  It was awful.  I can absolutely empathize with you.  And then to have this happen when you aren't fully awake and haven't gotten a full night's sleep.  Sleep deprivation in itself is it's own devil, add to that, and it is A LOT.  I'm so sorry.   :(

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M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Married her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11618.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

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Re: Remind me later.
#23: October 14, 2020, 03:08:27 AM
Oh Terra, I'm so sorry you've had this terrible night. It seems that your doggie's seizures trigger some of your feelings from BD, and that is not a good place to be, that feeling of being left with all the responsibilities and burdens and that this was not what we signed up for, and at the same time our MLCers seem capable of just shutting the door on our whole history, on us as people, as if they'd never even met us. These are such painful thoughts.

I've had to have a dog put down and it is so hard to do, so I do understand your feeling of powerlessness because you don't feel you can justify doing so. What does your vet advise you to do? Is he or she helpful to you?

You need some help with your doggie right now. I don't know if this is a stupid suggestion since I don't have experience with pets with cluster seizures, but is there a space that you could limit your dog to during the night? So that even if he has a seizure, you don't deal with it until the morning?

Hope this morning you feel a little stronger. We are here for you.x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Remind me later.
#24: October 14, 2020, 06:06:38 AM
Terra, I too am sorry that your dog's seizures are so severe and so hard to cope with. Nothing to the extent that you have to deal with, my lab became blind at age 5. She's 12 now and for the last year, she's had incontinence issues (thankfully treated with Proin) and she has dementia so she is quite confused. She was really anxious and "forgot" over night that she wasn't to go in the house.

I have a laundry room that she now sleeps in. That prevents her from wandering or having any accidents in the house. Have you ever given your dog CBD oil? That really helped Kaci with her anxiety. Goggle and see if that could help with seizures. It is unfortunately quite expensive.

If it were only "one" thing to cope with but there are so many issues these days.....and the pain that always lingers from this crisis.....and the loss of the life that should have been.

Perhaps I am wrong, but your post made me think that you are in a valley of darkness that descends upon us at times made worse by having an animal who sounds quite ill.

Back in February, Miss Kaci did not seem like she was going to make it very much longer but here she is still and I am grateful. I know the time will come though. I rescued her..but actually she rescued me and has given me so much love and companionship....it's always hard when that day comes when our canine friend and companion's quality of life deteriorates and we have to make a decision to let them go.

I hope terra you find some peace today. Praying for you and your dog.
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2020, 06:07:50 AM by xyzcf »
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S
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Remind me later.
#25: October 14, 2020, 04:53:35 PM
Terra -
I also am sending you much love.
You sound absolutely exhausted, and there's no way to get over that except with some quality sleep.
Perhaps a sleeping pill (benzodiazepine) would get you through the night?  It helped me when I could't sleep over the affair in the beginning. 
You dog knows that  you love him.  You're right in that our animals are abandoned along with us and our kids all too often.
Get some rest - even if you need to board the dog for a night or two - or leave him with a friend overnight?
Self care...  So important.

Let us know how you're doing.

Sea
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t
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Re: Remind me later.
#26: October 15, 2020, 12:27:57 PM
Thank you ALL OF YOU for holding space for me about our dog. We were told by first vet that we had about three years with him post-diagnosis; as I blurted in the above rants, we’ve had nine. Mostly it is good, he’s good, he’s a fantastic dog. He’s just permanently kind of a baby, and I get rattled by the endlessness of the condition. I did almost have him put down one summer. The mobile vet came out to the house and after spending time with us declared him the best example of his breed, that she had ever known.

That miraculously gave all of us the strength to get more years with him. It’s amazing what validation does, what kind assurances do, for the will to continue.

I wonder sometimes what it will take, for me to get through whatever this current part of my life is. It kind of feels like one step forward, three backward and down. A really crappy crossword puzzle, with clues I just don’t recognize. If I think of any starting point like “get rid of what is no longer aligned, what is no longer harmonious” — I look around me and then think for pete’s sake, what would be left.

Besides me, I mean.

I was up at 3 this morning and I get it: that is me on edge even in my sleep, at every little sound. In case it is the dog throwing up or getting into something or having another seizure. He’s medicated and he’s fine; he isn’t doing any of these things. He is just getting up sometimes at night to go lie down somewhere else. I don’t know why.

It occurred to me at around 4 this morning that living with this aging creature that wakes up and moves around at night is sort of like living with the human equivalent. H used to get up and do that, go sleep on the couch or go work in the downstairs office. Xh used to do that too. We aren’t guaranteed to always be on same sleep schedule or rhythm. I’d get up too, otherwise, like I did today. Just not comfortable where I was, and not asleep.

It occurred to me around 5 this morning that the old house of us no longer exists for us at all. And that maybe part of why I am stuck grieving this long later is that I wasn’t part of the closure — ow shined up that house and helped to sell it — and I wasn’t welcomed to even say goodbye to it, in any way. They just shined it up, sold it, packed up and left. I wondered this morning if the new owners ever feel it haunted, or, if it’s possible for a place to feel haunted by a presence that is still among the living.

Then I suddenly wondered if h didn’t love me because I don’t have a college degree.

Man, did THAT ever suck.

This is one of those ruined parts of me I don’t know if I will ever understand. They say people without college degrees are ...well, I don’t know what they say, exactly. Some “statistically, dot dot dot” about how higher education equates to successful marriage? Lower divorce rate?

But my grandparents were married for six full decades, without lofty education. And h has two Masters degrees and :/ I don’t know whose fault it is that neither of his marriages took, or for that matter, why both of mine have failed. I *don’t* think it’s because I wasn’t smart or *disciplined* enough.

I guess I am trying to talk myself out of shame, here. What I notice in the aftermath of the dog event is that every time, I lose my words. I can rattle or slam them through in the moment, and need to, because my body and brain both are terrified when he seizes, and during the weird post-ictal re-establishing of himself, the house, the environment, us.

During a free training yesterday on helping clients out of “freeze” state, instructor suggested thinking of a client this might apply to. The only person I could envision, was myself.

Advice for the frozen: see the exact moment the trauma was about to occur. You still have awareness and ability to act. What is the action the body wants to take/make/do?

The advice is to complete that action.

This morning I still cannot feel any wanted action besides to just collapse and cry for a full month without stopping. And I have a lot of compassion for that part of me? But am so tired of it. And h would call me a professional victim, or something, which just makes me angry.

So it occurred to me this morning too, that maybe some of this is not remediated by pills or therapy or exercise or positive thinking. I honestly feel quite embarrassed at how positively I thought, for years not just in this m but in the one before it, and in the years before both. I don’t mean that I no longer believe in the power of positive thought.

I just mean I feel embarrassed by it now. Compassionately, but, dismayed.

There are things I will never know, like what went awry in anyone’s thinking so that they just LEFT, instead of having reasonable and fair discussions. Or whether life or marriage would have been better easier or more successful if :/ ?! I’d had a college degree?? Or, really, how long anyone is supposed to last, at anything, with medical conditions or isolated or without validation or what even are we supposed to do in the face of adversity if we are doing that by ourselves.

I complain a lot and I’m tired of that too, tired of self-examination, tired of wondering where exactly I belong and who I’m supposed to be, and to whom.

The good part is that while climbing down out of my skull and trying to get ‘normal’ again, I’m not smoking.

Good because it’s a rotten habit, and good because I’m tired of that as well.

Sea: I have benzodiazepines in the house and it’s such a good idea — the dog is sedated, it isn’t wrong for me to be occasionally too. But does it make sense if I say I am ?? too rattled to do that?! I don’t know what stopped me, the day of the seizure. D is home now and I usually will not medicate while she is in the house. So I will do that this weekend when she is at her dad’s. I know it does restore some kind of balance. I usually take those only at night, and sleep on it.

Thanks all, again, for saying grounding comforting steadying things after my havoc. With the idea that there is an action this body wanted to complete, in the dog trauma or in the BD events of years before, I think they are all clanging the same hurt/fear point in me, and I don’t know what the action would be except to get far away, fast. Flight becomes freeze, I guess, and historically it’s true that there’s been no way or where to run.

That’s my long-winded way of telling myself “Isn’t that interesting...”

I am also super tired of being my own lab experiment, partner, experience. It’s good to know oneself, one’s own body and responses. But when does that all come into use with someone else?
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Re: Remind me later.
#27: October 15, 2020, 03:12:08 PM

I complain a lot and I’m tired of that too, tired of self-examination, tired of wondering where exactly I belong and who I’m supposed to be, and to whom.


Terra - If you're tired of complaining, think of one thing each night that you're thankful for.  When you start to realize how much you have and how much you're thankful for, complaining no longer seems a feasible option.

Self examination is good - and you don't need a specific person to use what you've learned on.  You can use it in your daily life habits and conversations.  It's a healthy thing.

Lastly - You're exactly who you're supposed to be, where you're supposed to be, and you belong to yourself.  Nobody else.  Embrace that - you're wonderful and only need yourself.  You'll find that you have all that you need...  (yes, practically, we could all use more money, a better car, college tuition for our kids...).  But, in the general scheme - you're exactly what you need...

As far as the benzodiazepines, they are more addictive than realized, so you do need to be careful.  But they can reset your sleep clock and will give you a good night sleep.  Just be careful.  Even 1/2 may be enough - and DO NOT take them every night...

Hugs
Sea
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t
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Re: Remind me later.
#28: October 18, 2020, 01:28:14 PM
Sea, thank you for clarity and assurances. This has been a wobble of a week.

I write in three colors of ink daily — the general stuff, including rants and complaints, and a different color for new realizations and progress, and yet another one for the things that I like, love, and deeply enjoy: the bright deep stuff that really makes my life feel good or even sublime. Sometimes there are full pages of the bright stuff. But *sigh* still also complaint.

I really appreciate the cautions about benzodiazepines. I have too much experience with addicts, so I know all these cautions like my own skin, but, it actually is calming for me to know that someone else out there knows these cautions too and is willing to say them to help keep a person safe. Thank you so much for that.

Because of the addicts in my history, I don’t usually even accept these meds. They were and are finally needed, though, and I’m grateful for the tiny bottle tucked away in the nightstand. Yesterday I did take half a tab, and wrote the date and reason on the label. I’m grateful I do that, too: the prescription was from sometime late last year, and yesterday’s was only the fourth pill in 2020. It’s good to see that I keep track of myself!? and that as aggravating as this year has been, really most of it has apparently been manageable without medication.

Yesterday morning I looked at moving back to where my family lived before they dispersed or died.

The first listing was the home where my best friend lived when we first became friends. I had been thinking of her (good or bad) recently, so after some thought, last night I looked her up. And randomly found out she literally *just* remarried: a man who was a child actor in one of the longest-running and most wholesome television shows of our collective childhood. Wild.

I don’t know why some people flourish and fly high and others don’t. It’s true she lived in moneyed means and circles I have never had much patience for. It makes sense to me that she and this man would be a right match, and I’m glad and grateful she and he found each other, especially at this time in all our lives. And I don’t know why we stopped being friends; it wasn’t that I didn’t try. And it doesn’t matter, it’s fine. But I am also glad that the connection of that one home isn’t there anymore either.

This morning I am just watching roots starting, on celery and green onions and garlic, and the trailing roots of pothos cuttings, spiraling in water in 100-year-old glass.

I really don’t need much. Just to grow, a little.

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M
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Re: Remind me later.
#29: October 18, 2020, 02:48:37 PM
I have not advice for you Terra, but just wanted to let you know that I'm following and liking your train of thoughts.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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