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Author Topic: My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP

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My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP
OP: August 30, 2020, 04:52:58 PM
So here’s my story. November 2017 he had a bad quad accident and broke his pelvis and could not walk or work for quite a few months. He also back then talked about how he couldn’t believe in a few years he would be 60 years old. 

July 2018 I started to notice he was acting different. By that September he seem to be very depressed. We own a trucking company and he works a lot and he seem to be working more and more. I found out December 23, 2018 that he had an emotional fair with our best friends sister that ended the end of September sometime. He didn’t really want to answer any questions I had, Just kept telling me he was just trying to help her out going through her divorce.

For months he was very emotional tearing up over everything. I lost my dad that May.  By the end of June I felt like I was completely crazy and he wasn’t giving me any respect and I kicked him out. I think that set off his childhood baggage as his father had died when he was 10 and his mother basically threw him away like he was garbage to go live her life. When he was 17 he came home from school and she told him she moved him into an apartment because his stepdad didn’t like him and was verbally abusive ( so was his mom) and that he had to pay the bills. He was a senior in high school. 

I begged him to come home because it wasn’t really what I wanted I acted out of anger. In the middle of all this he bought a farm and said he wanted to eventually put a trucking company there.  The house needs redone but there is a little side apartment attached to the house that he was going to fix up.  

He finally moved home January of this year but never really made an effort to make things work. In May he told me he didn’t love me anymore That he was going to move out..hes still here.  If he truly wanted to leave he definitely could. If not to the farm house but to an apartment as we have the money. Also I felt like I hit my limit and called my attorney to draw up the papers for divorce. I gave those to him and told him he needed to sign the paper of acknowledgment so I could file.

He took the papers with him and has yet to return a signed paper. When I asked about it he told me he hasn’t had time even though it’s only a signature. He will come home for dinner and sleeps in my bed and always tries to have sex with me. Do I allow him to have sex with me?  He comes home for dinner...do I continue to cook for him?/I don’t know anymore what the heck I’m doing.  Any advice is appreciated. 
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« Last Edit: August 30, 2020, 07:34:43 PM by Thunder »

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#1: August 30, 2020, 06:09:00 PM
Hello,

I am sorry for the reason that you are here, but want you to know that you are in a good place.

Before we address your h. Let's discuss you. How are your working on healing yourself from your trauma? How are you taking care of yourself? In order to move forward, you have to be strong.

You wrote that you lost your father in May (2019?) and that had a huge impact on you as you threw your husband out shortly afterwards. You have filed for divorce. Is this something you want or to protect yourself financially.

With all that is going on with you and your h, I strongly suggest that you find a good therapist to help you. This is part of the self care that you need right now. As you heal, you will be able to deal with your h from a better mindset. Please read the forum articles on MLC as it will give you an idea of your h's crisis but remember, no two MLCs are alike. Similiar, but not the same.

I wish you the best and be good to yourself,

(((((Ready)))))

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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#2: August 30, 2020, 06:23:04 PM
At first I was a total mess.   But I have picked myself up and dusted myself off.  I got a part time job, started yoga and spending more time with friends.  I have a counselor but need to find a new one. She doesn’t seem to believe in MLC.   I filed to protect myself financially.   He still hasn’t signed the acknowledgment paper so I can actually file.  I just wish I knew for sure that this was MCL or is it truly he just fell out of love.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#3: August 30, 2020, 06:54:52 PM
Hello,

Quote
I just wish I knew for sure that this was MCL or is it truly he just fell out of love.

Whether it is MLC or not, your actions and responses would still be the same. Just to be fair, your h has a tremendous amount of baggage and probably has attachment issues from them,

As far as the counselor goes, I would focus on a counselor that deals with trauma. Many therapists vary on MLC, but that is trying to diagnose and analyze someone they have never met. The IC's focus should be on helping you find your path to recovery. Standing is a personal choice and as long as you are making progress to healing yourself, then your decision to stand for your marriage should have no bearing on your therapy.

(((((Hugs))))

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#4: August 30, 2020, 07:20:02 PM
Hi mouse

People don’t “fall out of love.”  It just doesn’t work that way.  But MLC *does* bury true feelings very deep so he (legitimately) believes that he has.  And there’s no convincing them otherwise.

It took me a loooong time to fully “get” this.  I wondered if our marriage was indeed a sham.  But it wasn’t.

Neither is yours.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#5: August 30, 2020, 07:37:12 PM
I can’t thank you enough for your advice...you really don’t know how much it means. 
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#6: August 30, 2020, 08:39:33 PM
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My soon to be XH acted in a similar fashion; I asked him to spend some time alone ( this was at the beginning of his MLC, and I thought he was having a nervous breakdown as he wasn't sleeping or eating much. I didn't even know what an MLC was back then) doing a sort of 'self care' retreat. He had wanted to do a full blown meditation retreat but apparently missed the deadline and was freaking out. He was angry all the time, at everyone. He was acting completely unlike himself.

He was supposed to be gone a month and was to use that time to focus on taking care of himself.

Instead, he abandoned my daughter and I ( he later abducted her...it's a long story) and we were left to fend for ourselves.
He began an affair with a waitress that worked at the kid's restaurant he used to take our daughter to.

He told my daughter he wasn't in love with me anymore ( never had the balls to ever say that to me though!) and I'm still baffled how he could throw me/us away after 14 years.

Sadly, this is common MLC behavior. Like MeGoGirl, I thought maybe my entire marriage to him was a sham. Maybe all the incredible love we had was BS and I was this controlling, irritable, moody monster that I think he now believes I was. But to me, if I have a problem with something or someone I love, I can't hide that from them. I want to communicate with them and help them and get it worked out, not throw them away. Love is too valuable.

I agree my Megogirl. MLCers bury their feelings for the LBS. They become monsters that are driven by confusion and desperation, and they become narcissits.
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

M
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#7: August 31, 2020, 03:23:47 PM
He has definitely turned into a narcissist that is for sure. My husband, looking back, was the same as yours. He was very thin because he didn’t really eat a lot and he still doesn’t really sleep either. I’ve decided to continue to live my life and if he leaves, he leaves. I am still praying that he gets out of this fog and sees the reality of what he is doing.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#8: September 01, 2020, 12:06:50 AM
Mouse73,

There was a link posted by someone on here to an article by a top marriage counselor. He said that many MLCers who cheat had some form of childhood trauma or issues-especially regarding a sibbling- and/or they are the subservient type that have issues taking care of themselves and put everyone else's needs before theirs.

That is, until midlife. If they don't get their subservient issues resolved ( look inside themselves and heal trauma or communication issues), they have an MLC and become horrible narcissists.

Like your hubby, mine is SUPER frail and thin, and I think he has some type of low key eating issues. He almost acted like he was unworthy when he ate, as though he needed permission. When his food came at a restaurant, he would ask my D and I first if we wanted a bite, before he had even taken one. My H barely slept either, but it was mainly because of his job. Although, it honestly seemed there was an undertone of him wanting to abuse himself, as though he wanted to mistreat himself and be a people pleaser. It makes me sad he was like this, and I actually have a suspicion if he hadn't had an MLC, he could have had something horrible happen to his health, like a heart attack or something. It's a sad situation, and I wanted to be there for him as he healed. But instead? He turned against me.

Yes, we need to just move on, focus on ourselves and healing. As much as we want to understand what's going on inside them and how they could dare cause so much pain and destruction, I don't think even they know the answer. I prayed for along time ( maybe about 2.5 years now) mine would emerge from the fog, and I've looked for clues. But he doesn't live in the same country as we do so it has been hard to monitor, but from what I can tell, he seems even more confused and now wants to change careers. I think the OW wants more money.....
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H born in 80
I was born in 83
Started dating in 2004; both felt we were soulmates & kept that feeling for 14 yrs
Married H 2006
D born in 2008
H entered MLC in late 2017
Replay started 2018
H moved out in April 2018; was supposed to be gone a month & focus on getting rest; he instead started an affair w/ 21 yr old waitress
H tricked me into moving internationally to stay w/my Mom in June 2018; he abducted our daughter for a YEAR in a desp attempt to cover up the affair

OW seems to be masterminding everything in his life and looks like she wants a green card.
Little to no contact with MLCer but he encouraged me to file for divorce
What's helping me:
meditation, reading/listening to audiobooks

M
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#9: September 10, 2020, 05:17:14 AM
Trying to figure out which stage my husband may be in? Again this started about three years ago when he got injured in a quad accident and could not work. We own our own business and it was a wake up call that there was no one to run the business if he could not. I only can see that it started then looking back I didn’t realize it then. July 2018 he started acting different  And distant.

End of September beginning of October 2018 he seem to be depressed. Friends and family were concerned about him always checking on him while he was at work to make sure he was OK. I found out December 23, 2018 that he had an emotional affair with our best friends sister.  I was devastated to say the least. We tried working on a relationship but he didn’t want to answer any questions about what had happened between the two of them so it was hard for me to get past. At one point he was constantly in tears over the littlest things or sometimes absolutely nothing. Then after that it seem like he had so much resentment and anger towards me that he could barely hold a conversation with me.

We own a trucking company so he is on the road a lot but since this has all went down he has been working more than ever running himself into the ground. Now I barely get a text letting me know if he is going to be home or if he is on the road At one point he was constantly in tears over the littlest things or sometimes absolutely nothing. Then after that it seem like he had so much resentment and anger towards me that he can barely hold a conversation with me. We own a trucking company so he is on the road a lot but since this has all went down he has been working more than ever running himself into the ground.

Now I barely get a text letting me know if he is going to be home or if he is on the road.  When he is home he will come home for dinner and still initiate intimacy and sleeps in the same bed with me. But other than that there is no time spent together. A few weeks ago I asked him to go to dinner and he agreed because we needed to pick some things up about an hour away but there was no Real connection.    I guess I’m just trying to figure out if this is MLC and if so what stage is he in? Any advice or help is more than appreciated!

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« Last Edit: September 10, 2020, 01:12:59 PM by Thunder »

 

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