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Author Topic: My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP

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My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP
#10: September 10, 2020, 09:04:21 AM
Hello,

One thing I have realized that MLC is not a linear, straight line from start to finish. They can go back and forth from stage to stage as they start to emerge from one to go into another, they go back. Just like real people, no two MLCs are alike.

Based upon what you are writing, he is in replay and is a low energy wallower. Just be advised that he is on the road, he may have something on the side. I don't know. What happened to the EA? Was it ended by him or her. Often if the MLCer fails the first time, they just find someone new.

He seems to be in a crisis especially if this behavior is completely different from the norm. My advise is to look at how this has affected you and what you can do to recover from the trauma that you have suffered.

Hope this helps,

(((((Ready)))))
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#11: September 10, 2020, 09:28:10 AM
I think she ended it.  I still think there is contact but no proof.  And  why does he want sex from me if he’s with someone else??  I filed and gave him the papers to sign weeks ago but he hasn’t.  Maybe trying to hide money?   That’s the other thing...this is what HE wants so why doesn’t he leave me and file??????   I appreciate you helping me more than you know
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« Last Edit: September 10, 2020, 09:50:44 AM by Mouse73 »

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#12: September 10, 2020, 02:08:23 PM
Hi Mouse I would follow your instinct on this.

He could very well be trying to hide money, but your best bet is to get a lawyer and see what they think, or what they suggest, if you haven't already.

Some of these MLCer can get very selfish so you need to protect yourself.
Especially when you have no idea if their is someone else in the picture.  They could be a big influence on them, I'm sorry to say.

I'm sorry Mouse, just keep a good watch on everything and take good care of yourself.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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#13: September 10, 2020, 02:46:12 PM
Thank you!
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#14: September 11, 2020, 04:44:34 AM
I think she ended it.  I still think there is contact but no proof.  And  why does he want sex from me if he’s with someone else??  I filed and gave him the papers to sign weeks ago but he hasn’t.  Maybe trying to hide money?   That’s the other thing...this is what HE wants so why doesn’t he leave me and file??????   I appreciate you helping me more than you know

Let's start with the first question..... Why does he want sex with you if he's with someone else?  Because it props up his ego!  He has TWO women that he can sleep with! In his mind, that makes him "more of a man."

You filed and gave him the papers two weeks ago but he hasn't. Is he trying to hide money?
Maybe... It IS a possibility but it is just as likely that he has his head stuffed up his .... fog.... so far that he has lost the concept of time... It is like being on a manic high .... Mid-Lifers are notoriously good at ignoring things they do not want to deal with or anything that is any form of a buzz kill....

"That's what HE wants so why doesn't HE leave and file?"
Because then he would be the "bad guy." HE would be responsible for ending the marriage... If YOU do it, he can point and say "See? It wasn't my fault! SHE filed. SHE is the bad one, not me." Mid-Lifers refuse to accept any sort of responsibility for their actions, let alone realize that their actions come with certain consequences for which THEY are solely responsible....
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Me - 57, xW - 50
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#15: September 11, 2020, 12:44:02 PM
Thank you.  This is so confusing!   Also, I have been doing more for myself and being as happy as I can. He came home and I was getting ready to do dinner with friends ( he didn’t know where I was going), had the music on and singing.  Didn’t say anything to him except answered if he spoke.  He got ready for work and usually leaves right away, but he stuck around and stared at me as I was cleaning up the kitchen?   Last week I was leaving to go to a Labor Day party and he was “sexting” me after I left the house.   Ugh 😩
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#16: September 11, 2020, 01:03:57 PM
Ugh mouse for your own physical and spiritual health please stop having sex with him. You are bonding yourself with a pretty unstable person. The hormones in your brain during sex do that. Your brain forms a bond.
If he's getting it from her don't you give it to him too.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#17: September 11, 2020, 02:16:34 PM
Hi Mouse,

I have to agree with In It, but for another reason than what she said, which was important.

You need to protect your health.
Just remember IF he is having sex with with her, then you are having sex with him, you are having sex with everyone she has ever been with.

My niece got divorced and dated this really nice guy...but she ended up with an STD.
Sadly an STD there is no cure for.  She will have to take medication for the rest of her life, and will need to notify anyone she dates now, of her situation.

I'm not trying to scare you, but she found out after the fact that after his divorce he was going to swinging singles parties and had no idea he was infected until he infected my niece.  She is only 42.

Just something to think about and decide for yourself if he is really safe.
At the very least use protection if you are not 100% sure he is with both of you.

I think if he cares about you he will understand your concern.

Sorry for the sex talk but we do need to protect our hearts and our bodies.
It only takes one time.

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#18: September 11, 2020, 04:33:18 PM
Yes Thunder is spot on with this. I didn't emphasize how important your physical health is. I know you may not want to drop this particular connection with him.
If he gets upset that you are no longer available to him that way and says anything else except "I understand"
He doesn't care about or respect you at all.
He's been used to having his cake and eat it too and now you need to change that up, so he might just get upset.Don't worry about upsetting him.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#19: September 11, 2020, 04:59:01 PM
Hi Mouse,

I am going to give you one person's perspective. It doesn't matter what stage he is in because:
Mine lived at home for 18 months. During that time he:
Said terrible things to me, screamed and was horribly rude, but also brought me slurpees and sub sandwiches
Went out and got drunk but insisted he was not vomiting in the bathroom. just coughing  ::)
Would leave the front door open when he left. I mean WIDE open, not even closed, much less locked. Creepy to come home to.
Would bring home ice cream, then refuse to put it in the freezer because I didn't want any "right then"
Stayed out all night, but called home to tell me he was going to be out, but just with friends. On work nights.
Started calling to tell me he'd be late (and he has NEVER done this before, just waltz in whenever he felt like it and expect the entire family to drop everything they were doing), then show up on time.
Be nice one minute and a crazy man the next. Once he realized he was being crazy, he had to leave the house.
Made sure he showed me he had gotten a bonus (showed  me the letter that said he had gotten one) he had put into what he thought was a hidden account. :P  So I told him he needed to talk to his employer because that bonus never made in to our account. He said nothing, but continued to hide money. I kept track and made sure I got my share from the joint account.
Quit his job because "everyone else" was out to get him. It was ALWAYS everyone else's fault.

So much else. I just started watching him like he was a bug in a terrarium. Nothing I did mattered, not one thing. I told him once after he screamed at me while I was trying to do something he;d asked as a favor that he treated complete strangers better than he did me. I got a blank look.

What stage was he in? It wasn't in the "I have screwed up so bad and want to make it right stage." so it just didn't matter. I would think "He brought me a slurpee, it must mean something. " Nope. It meant he had  been a jerk for years, maybe trying to get me to leave and be the bad guy when he was perfectly capable of being a considerate human being.

Someone once asked me, is his behavior acceptable to you? And I kept thinking if he had been the considerate part of this weirdness, it was good. But the screaming and anger over nothing was impossible for me to live with.  I didn't start healing until he moved out and I went as No Contact as I could manage with one child in college and one in high school.

It doesn't matter why HE does or doesn't do *whatever*. What you want, need and deserve does matter. You need to not be left homeless and penniless (it has happened to people her and elsewhere). You need to not have to worry for your safety and health. You need to make sure you don't end up with debt he incurs with someone else. You need to get yourself into a place where if he comes back or if he doesn't, you will be OK.

We all want or wanted to know why or try to figure out how long it's going to be, or if we can do something to make it go faster. It's an illusion of control over something uncontrollable. You must control yourself, do what you need to do (like protect your assets by opening your own bank account and keeping money in it and your health), but don't wait for him to make the decisions. You decide what is good for you. If it is MLC and he is one who figures it out and comes or stays home, you will see it. If it is MLC and he ends up running like so many do, you will be prepared. If it isn't MLC and he's just become a jerk (which can happen) you are also in a good place to keep moving yourself forward.

What stage is he in? At any time, it might be "Exit, stage left." Be prepared for that. JMO and experience.
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