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Author Topic: My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP

m
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My Story Re: Discussing MLC with my husband
#30: September 14, 2020, 05:15:58 AM
We have a business and his spending is out of control.  Also, employees are trying to avoid him because of his jekyll and Hyde behavior.  I guess I will continue to let go and continue just watching him destroy everything he has worked his butt off for as difficult as that is.  I feel like jumping off this runaway train but feel bad for him at the same time.  I wish I was at the point of indifference.

It is incredibly hard to watch someone you love destroy their lives, their relationships, and we want to take care of them like we did. So the first step is to realize there is no “us” anymore. Its you and he is off on his own trip. Its a bad one. And it will most likely be destructive. And its so hard to accept that there is nothing you can do for him.

But what are you doing for yourself? Are you protecting yourself financially? Can you protect your assets or your share of the assets? And then do whatever you need to protect yourself emotionally.

I like to use this analogy: you are right now tied to the rear bumper of an out of control car driving toward the ledge Not much you can do from back there. You can cut the rope or just be dragged along and damaged and maybe even dragged off the ledge.
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Discussing MLC with my husband
#31: September 14, 2020, 05:23:33 AM
I need to keep hearing this!  I feel like I get to a place where I’ve had enough and then panic sets in the next day.  Can you protect yourself financially without filing?
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S
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Discussing MLC with my husband
#32: September 14, 2020, 05:28:50 AM
Well... 
I tried that.
I set up a very detailed agreement where we would pay our common bills, then each get an equal allowance (all of our money was going into a joint checking account (so I thought)).
I think that was the impetus for my husband to file for divorce, because he did NOT agree with the agreement and he got angry that I had contacted a lawyer (ran it past lawyer only, who also thought my H would never agree). 
So, this party of one says you're better off consulting a lawyer and perhaps can file separation agreement instead of divorce.  Just let him know you only want to protect your finances.
Good luck!
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Seahorses have one mate for life...

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Discussing MLC with my husband
#33: September 14, 2020, 05:33:05 AM
I agree with Marvin, Ready and Thunder.
Waste of time and breath. And likely to provoke a bit of DARVO where he says either a) you're imagining it or b) everyone else thinks he's great or c) the problem is you. Which might hurt and doesn't help you at all, Mouse. As others say, I usually found it more helpful to talk at a tree or equivalent lol....and to pause and reflect on what the impulse to talk to him told me about my own priorities or needs.

Tbh it helped me to think of his behaviour being just like an addict. Never known an addict yet who agrees with someone else telling them they are until they decide they might be. Or responding well to being challenged about it.  ::)

You may indeed need to jump off the train and let him crash it, but if what he is doing to the business or joint finances is a risk to your future of course, that might include having to take action to safeguard your own interests where you can rather than just ignoring it completely. Depending on the law where you live, it may be possible to file for financial or legal separation without divorce. But tbh, if divorce is what is necessary to protect you, you will not be alone in that and most of us end up wishing we had bitten that particular bullet earlier where finances are at risk. As Marvin says, one of the tough truths is that there is no 'Us' now.
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« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 05:35:10 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
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Discussing MLC with my husband
#34: September 14, 2020, 05:41:21 AM
I seriously appreciate all your advice.  It’s hard to discuss with family/friends who haven’t been through this.  I need to detach and file. 
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m
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Re: Discussing MLC with my husband
#35: September 14, 2020, 05:53:16 AM
As hard as it is you may have to if finances are in danger. As other have said filing does not mean you can not one day get back together. I can imagine it may be hard depending on community and beliefs, but protecting yourself HAS to come first. Family and friends may not get it, they may try to apply normal rules and that is so hard and confusing. That is why communities like this are so valuable. We all nod our heads and understand why. That this is NOT normal, that you CAN NOT simply talk about it, that just going to counseling will NOT work.

Do what you must, then deal with explaining to others.
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A
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Re: Discussing MLC with my husband
#36: September 14, 2020, 05:56:51 AM
Agreeing with all the other posters here.
Rule number 1 -  put on your own oxygen mask first.
Protecting yourself financially is your number one priority.
Go to a lawyer ASAP and file for divorce so you can freeze the assets and prevent further financial destruction.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#37: September 14, 2020, 07:57:57 AM
Rule Number 2 - Please stick with a single thread until you reach 150 posts. Otherwise, people won't know which thread to really respond to and it makes it very difficult to manage the forum....

I have merged the 3 existing threads into this one so all our posts & the responses are in one single place.

Thanks,
UM
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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m
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Re: Think my husband having MLC HELP
#38: September 14, 2020, 08:20:44 AM
Thanks some of the of posts have been duplicated.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#39: September 14, 2020, 11:58:43 AM
 I had enough. Told him he has to the end of the week to get out.  He’s been staying so he could hide money I’m sure. Nothing that a forensic accountant won’t find. I am relieved and sad all at the same time but I feel like the last two years have been total hell and at least I can see a light at the end of the tunnel now. We all deserve to find someone that loves us as much as we love them and I have a lot of love to give.   I am choosing to take control for once in this mess and it feels good.  He still hasn’t even signed the acknowledgment paper that I gave him weeks ago. This coming from a man who says he does not love me.     
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