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Author Topic: My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP

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My Story Think my husband having MLC HELP
#40: September 14, 2020, 02:52:57 PM
There you go..why make any effort or wait around or play games with someone who would say that? He doesn't love you? Get out.
It's not called giving up, it's knowing when you have had enough.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Think my husband having MLC HELP
#41: September 14, 2020, 03:47:45 PM
Mouse if he is acting as irrational about money as you say, he may very well thank you some day for stepping up to save things.

Not that you should do it for that reason, saving yourself comes first, but in his clouded, delusional, mind he is not capable of making good decisions.

He may run himself into a disaster but you don't need to join him.

Yep you're right a forensic accountant will find the truth.

Stay strong Mouse!
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. None of this is easy.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#42: September 14, 2020, 05:42:10 PM
You all have been so helpful and it feels good to get it out! 
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#43: September 16, 2020, 06:36:38 PM
I need advice...and a drink.  So he told me would be out by the end of the week.  He has given me many dates over the past and always says too busy blah, blah, blah.  The next day after me asking him to leave he seemed sort of off. He called to day he was coming home to shower and was driving that night  and I said ok, I left something he needed on the counter and he said aren’t you going to be there?  I said I’m getting ready to leave.  I didn’t tell him where I was going but went to dinner with friends.  We pull back in around 7 and he’s here.  I walked in and asked why he was still home. He said he just got done at the shop.  My friends and I changed and were leaving to go walking and he stopped me and said to leave the door unlocked he’d be home.  I said it’s 4 hours each way, what do you mean?  He said well it’s too late to leave now. He has left that late or later before.  So he tried to have sex with me and held me all night?  The next morning he was very chatty and not in a hurry to leave.  I almost saw a small glimpse of the person he used to be.   I asked him again tonight when he was going and he said he’s been so busy he hasn’t had time to work on the apartment.  I also asked if he had time to have an attorney look at the papers he won’t sign. Nope...no time he says.  WHAT IS GOING ON???  And what do I do now?
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Re: Think my husband having MLC HELP
#44: September 16, 2020, 11:46:20 PM
Well, I think you should start by reminding yourself part of getting off the roller coaster is to internalize this: stop trying to understand what is going on. Why? Well because he doesn’t know what is going on. And his behaviour doesn’t make sense and is not consistent, so trying to “understand” crazy clown logic (even emotional one) leads to become, well a crazy clown. It doesn’t lead to understanding.

It is very normal to try to understand. We all do it, for a while. But the sooner you stop trying to understand the less you will get tossed around.

If you need an answer how about: who knows? Followed by who cares? This is not meant to be uncaring, its more about realizing the situation for what it is. He may want you as option B, he may be feeling down and needs a boost. And yes, maybe there are still parts of his fractured self that is very much connected to you. But those are fragments, not a while person. You can’t really do much with that right now.

So just take a breathe, remind yourself what is going on. And try to see him as he is today. And simply step away. If it helps write down a list of all the things he has said, like he doesn’t love you, or the fact that as you say he is hiding money and LYING. It may help keep the picture clearer for now.
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#45: September 17, 2020, 02:16:50 AM
Thank you...I needed to hear this. 
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#46: September 17, 2020, 03:09:12 AM
 :'(
Quote
It is very normal to try to understand. We all do it, for a while. But the sooner you stop trying to understand the less you will get tossed around.
It is. And we have all done it. Largely bc some bit of our brain believes that if we can understand it, we can do something to change it.
But, with time, most of us learn that it is pretty impossible to understand from our POV.
And that trying normally draws us a bit closer to the cycling rollercoaster which tends to hurt and confuse us more.
And that any understanding we trip over does not change the reality of what is happening right in front of our noses, so it is usually wiser to simply focus on the behaviour we see and protecting ourselves from the effects of it the best we can. (Imho, further down the line, there is a kind of more distant understanding, and the MLC label might be part of that, which is part of our coming to terms with what happened to us in a way that helps us accept the reality of it.....but that takes a bit of time and detachment.)

So, your h - as far as you can see - has not signed the papers and has not found an apartment to move out to. Which means he is living at home, coming and going as he pleases, perhaps incurring debt or siphoning joint assets and behaving in random ways which are far from how a normal marriage looks. Which means you have some choices. And there is no right answer per se, only choices that feel do-able or best for you. The why doesn't matter as much as you feel it does right now bc a bit of your brain is trying to mind read and infer something from trying to do that. Which is normal in an uncertain situation.

But you do have choices..... so, I presume you have taken legal advice and you may need to get more on what your legal options are if he refuses to move out or respond to legal paperwork for instance. There are a whole set of possible choices there based on how you feel about the status quo, the uncertainty and how much risk you are facing. Other LBS have taken that route. Or you might decide that living with this random strange roommate is something you can cope with if you detach more and stop discussing anything significant with him, perhaps if you decide that your finances and emotional wellbeing is secure enough, so you just do nothing much about him other than detach with some good boundaries and go about your life regardless. Other LBS have taken that route. Or perhaps there is a middle ground where you legally or practically push to protect yourself financially but do nothing at all about whether he stays or goes, or his comings and goings, but treat him as an odd current roommate whose life is none of your business (and vice versa). Other LBS have taken that route. So, it really isn't one size fits all, Mouse....it depends quite a lot on some of the practicalities of your situation as well as your ability to decide what is best for you that you can control.

But, as I said, it's important to remember that you DO have choices. It might not feel like you do. It might feel like they are all sucky choices, that's true. Or that the outcomes are not certain from any of them. But that does not change the fact that you do have choices. Or that it is easier to think more clearly when we are not hooked onto someone else's rollercoaster emotionally. Or that it is ok to take your time to think about your choices if you are unsure.

And that we will support you whatever choice you make.

How it is today is how it is today. How you feel is how you feel. Things evolve, that's how life works, and that includes your thoughts and feelings, Mouse.

The future is unknown, but all you can sensibly act on today is your best judgment of what you are dealing with right now and your own best interests in a confusing and uncertain situation. That's good enough though. As a general rule, I think the more we focus on 'why', rather than 'what', the less we focus on our own best interests. We've all done it.....but moving away from that is also part of how we move forward. In a way, it's not very different from all the uncertainty about the virus is it? There is a point when speculating about the complicated 'why', or what might or might not be happening next, doesn't help us decide on things that we need to decide regardless.....so we try to make the best decision we can based on the information we have and our own personal values.
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« Last Edit: September 17, 2020, 03:29:43 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#47: September 17, 2020, 04:11:01 AM
 :Treasur THANK YOU....this has helped me so much.   I sometimes feel like ripping the bandaid off and get it over with fast and down days I get sucked back in and can see his pain.   
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Think my husband having MLC HELP
#48: September 17, 2020, 05:24:21 AM
You're welcome, Mouse  :)
Worry about YOUR pain first....and protecting yourself from further damage where you can....would be my best advice. Let him take care of HIs pain right now.....partly bc you can't fix it and mostly bc he is incapable or unwilling to worry about yours.

It is easier to feel compassion imho when we have less skin in the game if that makes sense, when we feel stronger and safer so we can see it as a graceful act of human decency not a weakness or doorway to manipulation. Get to safe ground yourself first....like the airplane rule about putting your own oxygen mask on if that makes sense.

Even after all this time, and with an xh long gone, I find that I do feel sometimes compassion for my xh. Usually if I remember who he was before and I reflect on how painful my own crisis has been on the offchance that he may have experienced something as painful. But I can't if I take it personally if that makes sense bc then I just see him as a rotten person or a really toxic mess who did awful things that hurt me. And I couldn't NOT take it personally while I was still exposed to the effects of him throwing hand grenades at my heart and life. My xh may indeed be happy as Larry now, I have no way of knowing, but I happen to prefer compassion as a way to live.....and I don't have to DO anything with my compassion really other than allow it to stop me hating or being disgusted by someone I loved for twenty years  :).....which feels better to me  :)

But I had to get to safe ground first  :)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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