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Author Topic: My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3

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My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3
OP: August 30, 2020, 06:18:58 PM
I was done for the night, but there was a moment of MLC head scratching.

I had done some laundry for S earlier in the day and while he usually takes care of his own things, I thought I would bring it up to his room, as he was wiped out from all of the outdoor activity today. He was lying on his bed and doing some homework when I walked in and saw a pair of new pants on his bed. They were not pants S would have bought for himself and I knew his GF wouldn't have gotten them for him. They were dress pants, and S has plenty of those in his closet, that he rarely wears as it is.

I didn't have to ask because S asked if I would put the pants in the donation box. I picked them up and S went on to explain they were Xh's and he said they are too tight on him, so he thought S would like them. I guess my eyes must have gotten wide and clearly S could read my thoughts. Yah, there were so many levels of WTF at that moment I wasn't sure where to even start.

First one being Xh never wore anything larger than a 32 waist when we were married, even at his heaviest. So, seeing a 36 inch waist is a bit surprising and Xh is not terribly tall, so the waist size would be significant for him. But, then the last picture I saw of him he has clearly put on weight.

But, I didn't say a word to S about that. I simply laughed and said I wasn't sure what Xh was thinking. S has a 30 inch waist. He never gains weight, in spite of how much he eats. He is very slim and has been that way. Xh was around when I would come home frustrated not being able to find pants that would fit S when he was in high school. He was a 30 then as well. I was actually thrilled when at college he got up to a 31 only because it would be easier to find pants to fit him. And the problem is not so much the waist, it is the combination of the waist and length. S is taller than Xh by quite a bit, something Xh refused to admit. S is at least 6', although I am pretty sure he is a bit taller than that now. Xh is 5'9" at best.

But, the thing with S, everyone thinks he is way taller than he is simply because he is slender and he is all leg. His inseam is 35". I can sometimes find jeans that have a generous 34" inseam for him, but I usually have had to go for a 36" and it is difficult to find pants that particular combination of sizes. Dress pants - I remember what ones he has because those had to be tailored.

So, I stood looking at these pants with a 36" waist line and a 32" inseam and wondering what planet Xh is on. I really wonder what Xh sees in the mirror at times. Does he really believe he is taller than S and they are wearing the same size?

I brought the pants down stairs and put them in a box I have set aside to take to the guidance counselor at the high school. There are kids who need dressier clothes for work interviews.

In the meantime, I was putting away something in the wine cellar when I removed a cloth covering from a what I thought was a box that had some empty wine bottles on top. They were left over prototypes that I was going to get rid of, and I thought the box was full of other prototypes. Instead, when I removed the cloth, I found a board and underneath an antique type writer table. I remembered when the MLCer brought that home. It was one of those impulse buys he had. I was certain he took that when he moved out.

I know it is worth quite a bit of money, as I have seen this type at antique stores. I have no use for it and as cool as it is, I need it gone from my life. I moved it to the side, as I didn't want to carry it in light of my back issue earlier and then I came upstairs and logged into FaceBook. I messaged my former student who had saved up money to buy himself an antique typewriter. He has been using it and has just gone off to college. I asked him if he would like it. He was elated and said he didn't know if he could afford that right now as he has his books to buy for college. I know he doesn't like to feel like a charity case, so I told him that it was my graduation gift to him. And my only stipulation was he type up a proper letter to his little sister, and put it in the mail as I know she is missing him already. He laughed and said that was more than fair and his sister has never had any mail sent to her.

I just want to keep putting MLC in the rearview and in this case, I am glad that maybe something positive can come from my Xh's crazy MLC impulse buys.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11507.150
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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#1: August 31, 2020, 04:07:17 AM
Following along.....

Sounds like S and R's S17 have the same issue.... 30"Wx36"L.... and the 30"W is big on him.... Erg.....

But seriously, that is another one of those WTF moments... "They were getting a little tight on xW." Uhmmmmmm ...... What was he doing, wearing them on his head?

As far as the table is concerned, that is a really generous and good idea. It "kills 2 birds with one stone" - It gets the table to someone who will appreciate it and it gets his little sister a letter....
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#2: August 31, 2020, 10:12:29 AM
UrsaMajor - S lost the weight he put on at college and now has to wear a belt with the 30" waist jeans.

I wonder if Xh's cottage has a fun house mirror?  ::)

I will admit, it is a little thing, that is they are just pants, but it is a continuation of MLC perspective. Now, I could laugh and think perhaps Xh read the size wrong and figured they were 32 x 36. Yah, I doubt that is the case  ::)

D was off to her on-site classes this morning and S left for his classes. He won't be home until at least 8 pm. D, has PT later this afternoon, so I have a break, as S's GF is at work and D's BF starts his classes today as well.

The dog was worn out and when I got up this morning she was up long enough to go outside, but came right back in and took a nap. She would have slept longer, but my F popped in to chat. He was on his way back from having his morning coffee outing with his friend. Of course, he timed it well, as I had put on a pot of coffee as well, so he sat and visited. He was marveling at the giant pile of trees that will have to be cut down and hauled away. The dog made sure he saw her and showed off a new toy D had gotten for her, but then she was back to taking her nap.

The neighborhood is very quiet in general this morning. It is a nice way to start the week.

The home phone voicemail was blinking this morning. And, I had been bad about deleting old voicemail messages during the whole online time period. I would quickly listen to them and not empty the voice mailbox. That phone usually only gets used by a couple of people and I use it for outgoing calls or business calls that are not client based. I was going back through the voicemails just now and emptying it out - hoping to start back up in a better routine when I noticed a call from my Xh's step M. I hadn't cut ties with her as such, but when FIL died there was a huge falling out with Xh and the step M. I have to admit, I frankly was on the step M's side in this argument, because it was about something FIL neglected to do regarding the paperwork to complete a divorce from her. FIL didn't want to pay an attorney to finish up the divorce and didn't have a will. I warned Xh and FIL that would mean the step M and her surviving child would inherit it all. And that is what happened. I said to Xh and his sister at the time, that was on FIL and they can't be upset with that failure of their F, who chose to hide his head in the sand.

But, my relationship with the step M has only been on FaceBook and occasional posts. She was always a very good grandmother to the kids and she was very good to Xh over the years. In fact for many years she was more of a M to him than his own M was - involved with the kids, etc.

I will reach out to her. I have no idea what the call was about, but now I feel bad that I missed it. I never wanted her to think I had somehow taken a side. That is not my style to do that in those instances.

Life is so strange at times.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#3: August 31, 2020, 04:14:38 PM
My stubborn self kicked in today. I was alone all day and determined to get that desk upstairs. It would seem someone must have taken the desk apart at some point and glued the top down, so removing the top wasn't happening. But, I decided to wrap the oak desk top in a soft, padded cloth and flipped the desk upside down and dragged it up the stairs. Not pretty exactly how a mover would do it, but I got it up the stairs and into the kitchen, where I decided to work on putting the Danish Oil on it.

Of course, I ran out of oil and then was mildly annoyed when I realized I couldn't just go down to the local hardware store to pick some up because D had my car. Her car is waiting on one part, which is supposed to be here tomorrow. And, borrowing my parent's SUV would have lead to a million questions from my M - one being how I got the desk upstairs by myself because she knew it was still in the media room as of this morning. My M, is still on a very restricted activity order for the next couple of weeks, so she has been thinking a whole lot. And she knew my back was sore yesterday. I was careful, but I knew I would not hear the end of it if she found out what I had done. What can I say - she worries.

I waited on some project work from my Independent Study student, who should be finishing up this week. I will be glad to have that off my plate, TBH. So, while I waited for files from him, I worked on the desk. I am 90% finished with the oiling and I had to glue one area. I am anxious to get that project completed. I put down a very large piece of cardboard on the new area rug in the library and I should be able to move the desk in tomorrow and just let it cure in place. I should be able to use it by Wednesday.

The dog was not sure what to make of the cardboard. She tried laying on it and it clearly does not suit her. She sort of snorted at me in disgust and walked over to her bed. D found a third bed the other day, so now the dog has a bed in her room, the den and the library. And, it is working out well. She seems content to now just lay wherever I am working and doesn't bother me like she did before. She just wants to be nearby.

I called S on his way home to let him know that the UPS truck was here and delivered some packages for him. Both are very large. One I can pick up, but the second one, there is no way I am moving that from the front step. S sounded good and informed me he would be a bit later than usual, as he had decided against taking the toll road home and opted for one of my tricks - to go on an adventure minus the GPS. When he told me where he was, I told him to pick up a particular route and to check out this abandoned mansion on the way. He said he can understand why I like to sometimes opt for the backroads. It is a slower drive, but today was perfect.

And, I have to admit that I was jealous of his little adventure. I am still considering going to school with him one of these Mondays and just going out into the countryside - distanced from people and sketch or take photographs, but today was not that day. I had calls to make and responsibilities that I could not avoid. It sucks being a responsible adult sometimes - LOL
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#4: August 31, 2020, 08:39:55 PM
I have already figured out my 'homework' assignment for tomorrow. D has in-person classes in the morning for a couple of hours and then has an appointment to pick up her books at the bookstore. There are several hours in between the class time and the appointment.

S had said D's part for her car came in, so the appointment can now be made for that to be addressed and maybe I can have my car back by the end of the week if there is an appointment available.

I had mentioned to both kids the possibility of going with them to school some days. In D's case, where her college is located is near several very beautiful trails. So, I was online this evening trying to map out my plan. If I take the full walk from D's college it is an 8 mile round trip hike. The distance doesn't bother me, but I am hesitant to try and navigate the one road that has a high volume of traffic. Crossing it is not really a fun idea. But, I think tomorrow I will just scope it out and start down on the other end of the village and work my way back. Either way, I have several options and it will get me out and about, while allowing D and I to stop on the way home for a couple of things.

I miss the walks with the dog, but she was wiped out tonight after the short walk we took.

I came home from the walk and took a shower. I had planned on just crawling into bed and read, but S called me outside. There was his friend who had helped with the trees. He said his GF wanted him to stop by and give me something. She and I had spent quite a long time discussing sea glass and her art projects. And, I had really admired her craftsmanship on her earrings. She told her BF that I was the first person, aside from his family, to really ask her about what she likes to do. She said the women at work are friendly, but they have families, and she is an outsider. She is the youngest woman in the office, so there is that and then she is not a heavy partier like some of the other women her own age.

We got on the subject of sea glass and rocks. She had said it sounded weird that she likes the lake rocks which are all smooth and rounded. I laughed and told her about my giant rock that S brought me for M's Day one year, so I get it. And, the lake rocks have a very special feel to them. As a kid, I loved skipping them, but sometimes you just found that one that would fit perfectly in the palm of your hand. It has a soothing effect. Well, if you are a bit of a nerd like I am I guess  ::)

She had said that not too many people understand the fascination with rocks. She told me she likes to find the perfect rocks and then paints mandalas on them. We talked about the whole meaning of mandalas and the spiritual beliefs that some associate with the patterns. I am no expert, but I had a friend who was very well versed in them, and I will admit it was very intriguing to hear her take.

So the BF pulled a rock out of his pocket and said that his GF wanted me to have it. He said it was the first time she had felt comfortable sharing her creative side around anyone she hasn't known for a long time. As he handed me the rock, I smiled and told him to tell her I totally get why she picked up that rock and the pattern, little did she know is the same color as my library walls without the Mac n cheese yellow - LOL. And the pattern is so perfectly executed. The little dots are raised from the thickness of the paint, so the smooth rock has a little bit of texture. And as I held the rock in my hand, I knew why she picked the side to paint. The rock is not perfectly round, but has been worn down by the water. The shape allows your thumb to perfectly fit in the one little dip and the back of the rock has a bulge that fits right into a cupped palm. I laughed and told the BF that it is really perfectly designed. He laughed and said he would let her know that.

That rock is now sitting in my library. It is a simple thing. It was when I stood in the driveway holding that rock that I decided to force myself to go for that walk tomorrow. I had plans to stay home and be responsible. I decided I have to also be responsible for my joy in life and sometimes that means putting off the tasks for a little while. It reminded me to not wait until the end of the day always to get to my 'homework'. I think that is part of my issue. I am so responsible that I sometimes get lost in making sure I do all of those other things and put my time on the back burner and often don't get to it - I sacrifice my own time. So, maybe this rock will help remind me that it is okay if I change things up. Sort of like having dessert before dinner.  ::)
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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#5: September 01, 2020, 04:32:26 AM
Not much better than the perfect rock.....

In an emergency, you could wing it at xH if he can get past the crocodiles in the moat... just make sure you get the rock back.... LOL
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#6: September 01, 2020, 09:29:19 AM
UrsaMajor - that rock is not something I will throw at Xh. I have plenty of others in the gardens that would work - LOL.

What can I say - I am easily amused when it comes to gifts. It always comes down to the thought and I love something that is really well designed. This is sort of the perfect combination of designed by nature and then embellished. But, it is really the whole sentiment behind it that was touching. I really only was being myself and talking to this young woman and being friendly.

Well, my plans this morning were blown to smithereens by responsibilities that I could not escape. The type that show up on your door and they can't be put off. Nothing major, but phone calls to figure out why I was getting a shut off notice on my electric, when I paid the utilities last week and I paid ahead. Seems there was a clerical error. Yay.  ::)

But, I would not have enjoyed that hanging over my head while trying to enjoy a walk. It is the few times I might worry and I would not be able to just push that out of my thoughts. And it wasn't an immediate shut off, but it still upset me.

I think back during MLC and I just accepted these things more as the reality I was living in, so I rolled with it. But, I have clawed my way back to the top of the pit, still not out of the hole, but have made headway and have been happy with the results. This felt immediately like someone stepped on a hand and I had to catch myself to keep from falling into that abyss.

It really is a little silly. I have time until the shut off was going to supposedly take place. I could have waited to address it. But, responsible me kicked in and got to the bottom of it.

It is something I need to work on a little. That is not sacrificing my responsible side, but on the flip side, I shouldn't be dismissing my need for time to just enjoy things, even if they mean not being responsible in the moment. It is a tough balance for me. In part, it is MLC related, in that I had so lost that side of me, I am mildly protective of having found that part of myself again and am afraid of falling into that bad habit again of ignoring things. But that was my LBS-MLC reactive state and I am not that person anymore.

What can I say? I guess I am going to have to put more effort into my 'homework' and making it a priority sometimes.  ::) The electric company - they would have waited until the 16th, so I had some time - LOL.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#7: September 01, 2020, 02:17:38 PM
Okay - so the responsible side kicked into overdrive instead of laying off. I decided to just jump on a whole pile of bills that aren't due until the end of September and attacked some other things on the list that really weren't priorities. I think I have tackled all the bills with the exception of a couple I know are on their way.

Then it was tackling these little projects that have just been hanging out there, needing done.

Of course the dog felt she needed to keep me occupied and a walk came on just as I was about to start a big project. I knew better than to make her wait or she would come back when I was in the middle and then she would be relentless. The walk was not long enough according to her, but the sky was turning dark and a storm is on the horizon. She made sure I was aware of her displeasure by grumbling all the way home and continued when we entered the house. Just her gaze as I walked by was one where she clearly is convinced I am a buzz kill.  ::)

D had to go to the bank, so I sent her out to pick up my Danish Oil and then I can finish that blasted desk and get it into the library. I am determined to get this project completed.

I am still chasing the high school for my paycheck. It is going through the channels, but it is frustrating me. My M is not letting up on the employment question. And, then my F got a call while I was there. The commission is a go and it has an unveiling date of November 11, which means it has to be done in a very short time period. It is nothing like the life-size project, but it still means building in for possible things like the casting failing. It won't be like the last project and requiring non-stop 8 hour days for a year, but it will be a push.

I was thinking about this particular project. It is funny, the last unveiling had the same exact date back in 2013. Looking back, that project, while a special time for me, was also difficult. MLC was rolling in full force, although BD wouldn't come until later. OW had shown up on scene, although it wasn't even a EA, just she was introduced to Xh back then. FIL's cancer had come back and XH clearly resented my parents being in good health.

What contributed to more jealousy was my F's M was still alive, although she had full blown Alzheimer's by then. But, at that point, my grandmother was still happy to have visitors and I spent many days with my F when he would go visit and sing with my grandmother for a couple of hours. My grandmother would not be able to form sentences quite often, but after singing to her, she would begin to sing along and could recall songs, and then sometimes her thoughts, she could vocalize.

Thinking back, Xh, that year quit coming to birthday parties and events for my grandmother, which was so odd. He was one who had originally encouraged me to make the time to go and visit her, even when she could no longer figure out who I was. He and the kids would go along, knowing that for those moments, even though she didn't recognize the kids, she would be full of life and smile seeing them.

So, thinking about 2013 and the sculpture, etc - the timing, I failed to see the true extent of the jealousy Xh had. And it is not really my fault. I paid attention to him, and in fact tried to balance it out, making sure I treated it like a regular job, coming home when the kids were done with school for the day. I was there for the homework and dinners. I would make time to spend with Xh.

When S jumped on board and did some of the assembly and welding, I now know that just added fuel to that fire. I realize those were moments that S had with my F that Xh would never have with his own F, ever. And my FIL was always critical. Xh was never going to measure up, or at least he would never hear his F tell him what he needed to hear.

On my walk back, I was thinking about the unveiling of that sculpture. Xh drove separately and refused to go to the after party. I went with the kids.

And it is so strange, because prior to FIL moving in, Xh had spent time with my F all the time. He took on a huge task of organizing and curating an exhibit with me for my F years ago. He was thrilled to do the PR, the designs and we built cut aways, showing the casting process.

I am not upset about it, it just is so clear now how deep Xh's FOO issues ran and how they bubbled up. I didn't see it back then.

The problem is back then, I felt immense guilt like I had done something wrong. And the thing is in the past, if he had expressed perhaps he maybe felt neglected, we would have come up with a solution. But, in all honesty it wouldn't have mattered at that point.

So, this piece is like my F says, in some ways a do-over for me. The pressures will still be there in terms of I am it and the only "adult" running the show. However, both kids know they can come hang out in the studio and either pitch in or just to talk. It has always been that way.

My F's studio was his space, but if my sister and I ever needed to talk to him about anything, we could go park ourselves on a stool and he would throw us some clay to play with. And we could sit and be quiet or we could have a deep conversation. It was never like a space where we weren't allowed to enter. And we respected that it was a bit a sacred space.

I had done some work on the last large commission, but I was coming off of the divorce. S and my F took the long trip to install that piece. It was a trip they loved. I am not sure if this will be shipped, but I am kind of hoping to deliver it in person. I could use a road trip with purpose.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#8: September 01, 2020, 03:59:54 PM
Fellow rock lover here- oh my, got to stroll the bay of fundy at low tide and was like a kid in a candy store.

If that commission is coming just south of NY state, lemme know:)
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#9: September 01, 2020, 11:56:39 PM
forthetrees - I can remember the first rock I absolutely became fascinated with. It was one my parents brought home from the beach when they had been on their honeymoon. It was bright white with black veining in it. The stone from the beach was so much smoother than the ones outside of our house. It was something that sat on a shelf next to other stones and sculptures that my F had carved from marble and soapstone. I was very fortunate in that I was allowed to touch those things. My F always felt that most sculptures should be held and felt. It was part of why he loves that particular medium. It is tactile.

I am not one to go and buy rocks and collect them that way, although I had a couple that when I was in elementary school I bought on trips. And, I don't go around picking up rocks all the time.

And, it is what has me thinking right now. Who wakes up and starts thinking about rocks in the middle of the night ::)

Okay, so in reality it is just part of a whole lot of other thinking going on.

I had been talking to a friend of mine and telling her I had made the fatal error of putting the news on, something I have been trying to avoid to some degree. It just seems like too much lately. I want to be informed, but I can't stomach as much as I once used to pre MLC. The upheaval and discourse, combined with tragedy was more than I could handle. So, I decided to just make an early night of it and try and reset my brain and focus on some positive things.

But, life intervened and S came in. He had just sold a transmission from his parts truck and went to set his phone down so as not to ruin it with the move and it slipped off of the table onto the garage floor. He has a protective case on it, but it fell just right and shattered the screen. Now, out of any of us, S is the one that relies on his phone for work and for classes, etc. He uses it like a portable computer and I have no problem with fixing it. But, he felt bad because he could see I was tired.

The phone, as part of the divorce agreement, which I actually adhere to, says that I would carry cell phone service for both kids until they graduate college. Originally, Xh's argument was so he could be assured he had contact with both kids. Makes me laugh now, but I made a promise and said I would do that.

It meant opening up the computer and filing a claim and filling out all sorts of forms online so that S can take it to get it fixed. It is a fairly new phone and he felt so bad having dropped it.

Just as I finished with him, I got a text from D. She had an email from the college late in the afternoon that she had missed, but wanted to discuss some financial aid that is being thrown her way. I just couldn't and told her to put it on my calendar for tomorrow after she gets home from her classes. So, my computer shared calendar now has that on it.

I called it a night, suddenly just exhausted. I fell right asleep and then woke up. The sky was bright, but the full moon was only lighting up the clouded sky. It is too foggy outside to see the actual moon. And, as I just stared at the ceiling suddenly very wide awake, I swore I could smell the distinct smell of air freshener that my M's mother used.

My M's mother used to have a fake drawer in her desk where she hid her romance novels and her cigarettes. She rarely smoked, and tried to hide it from my grandfather. She never lit up a cigarette around any of us, but when we were playing school one day at that desk, my sister and I discovered a false bottom in that drawer. It would have meant my grandfather built it for her, which had to be quite the conversation - trying to explain to my grandfather why she needed that and to think perhaps he would not know what was really going in there. And he knew. He just never let on, because looking back, my grandmother smoked when she was really stressed out. And there was always a can of Glade on the other table in that office space. It didn't make a whole lot of sense in the overall scheme, but she would spray it to hide the cigarette smell. Back in that era, the scents were not like fresh linen, but they were often an almost sickening smell - overly sweet, or really very fake. The scent I swore I could smell when I woke up was the one that was this odd pine scent. I can't say that I have ever smelled a pine tree like that, but that was what it was back then.

I don't know why or where the scent came from, because once I was fully awake, the only fragrance in the air was the smell of fresh sheets and the air coming in through the window.

That wasn't what woke me up though. I realized that my head was rather sore near my temple and then I realized that I had been bitten by something on my walk with the dog later in the evening. It hadn't hurt when it initially happened and I had just brushed away an insect, but it must have stung me right at the base of my eyebrow. I came downstairs to grab an antihistamine to try and ease the swelling.

I made a cup of tea, because the dog heard me up and she needed to be protective and started barking. By then I needed to just stay up for a bit to calm her back down. And, then my mind wandered to rocks. LOL

It is not just rocks I find fascinating. I am such a visual and tactile person. It explains how I can close my eyes and sometimes know exactly how something feels. And that is where the lack of physical contact factors in.

I am so easily drawn to look beyond what most will pay attention to. Whether it is cloud formations or the textures of the different tree bark. But, I have realized that having spent so much time realigning myself during the MLC walks, I started to really pay attention to sounds and smells more and more. There are some days the sound carries from the trains that go through and other days, I cannot hear them at all. They are miles from my house. I never noticed it before BD. Now, I pay attention to so much more.

But, what has me now just reeling is this strange empty feeling. I take great pleasure in those things and they fill up part of me. I felt like life was starting to fall into place a bit more. I have been trying to embrace this whole mess and I do need the break from teaching after last semester. The whole experience wore me down. But the reality of it is also setting in. I am not really sure what I am supposed to be doing right now. While teaching didn't define who I was, that is it was just a part of me, it has become a big filler for my life. It was my social time in some ways - human interaction, and it helped push me. And, in some ways it took over too much of my life, especially during the Covid online learning. But normally, this time of year, I would be wishing there was another week before school started. I would be gearing up and nervous, only to enter the classroom and find my stride at some point.

It is just adding to the uncertainty in my entire life. Right at this moment, I feel a strange sense of not knowing what I am supposed to do beyond just keep things stable for the kids. I know I will figure it out, but wow, it is an odd feeling.

I went outside and sat for a bit on the back deck. It was peaceful, but it has been a while since I felt truly alone.

And in this very crazy loop of thoughts, I found myself thinking about of all things - chalk. The dusty sky reminded me of a pastel drawing. Somewhere, I have pieces of chalk that came out of the rocks I found in France when I was a kid. I am going to have to go see if they are still in the glass jars in my old bedroom at my parent's house. I am going to blame the antihistamines  ::)
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