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Author Topic: My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3

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My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#10: September 02, 2020, 12:44:54 AM
Interesting parallels to the 2 VERY different "unveilings" especially where your R with your F is concerned as opposed to the R xH COULD have had if he hadn't lost his cheese......

Ironically, my S also dropped his phone and the screen is shattered.... Unfortunately, he has a boutique phone that he HAD to have and the cost to replace the screen is nearly as much as the phone itself was in the first place.... But he didn't replace the screen guard when it fell off and he didn't have it in a case so .... Lessons... hard lessons...
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Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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BD#1 - August 2015
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#11: September 02, 2020, 03:47:33 AM
Maybe keeping kids stable and giving the pooch a great year is enough. Even though your kids are in college, with the pandemic it changes the equation for what kids need. As for what Momma needs, yes, you need companionship and touch. Maybe you need a year away from teaching to recover from all the accumulated stress- if the financial worries are not a tsunami of another kind. Could be that the Universe is making you available to your kids instead of spreading your goodness to them and all of your students. Pandemics do require a rejiggering.

I did not stuff my car with Bay of Fundy rocks but boy oh boy, I took a lot of photos.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#12: September 02, 2020, 09:21:55 AM
UrsaMajor - fortunately the screen on the front was all that shattered. We are still paying on that phone and I could have used the insurance to pay for another one, but that would have added more to the cost. S felt really bad. The repair won't be terribly expensive, but it was just the moment for me of "now what" that hit.

forthetrees - I have been wanting to go to the Bay of Fundy, but clearly it won't be this year.

I had the same thought this morning, that maybe this is the universe giving me a breather. I will figure out the finances. There are options for the long term. In the past I did curriculum writing, etc. when this happened. Or, I am not above take a job at the garden center like I did before and picking up freelance if all else fails. I will make sure the bills are paid. IDK. I think it is all the other uncertainty weighing on me.

But, life has a way of surprising you. My F may have a second commission rolling in that will be sizable. He has a meeting tomorrow with a former client who is looking for another piece. We will see. No matter what, I am printing of the necessary reference photos for the current commission for scale and tomorrow morning I will be up in the studio first thing in the morning playing in plasteline. The weather should be perfect for that medium, as it is going to be warm out, so we won't have to worry about warming large batches of the modeling clay.

S saw my eye this morning and laughed wanting to know who won the fight. The eye is no longer tender and the swelling is down, but it is still a bit puffy. That always helps make you feel attractive - LOL. Oh well, could have been worse.

I received a notice that my department secretary at the college decided to retire. I am happy for her. She was my F's secretary for years and she was always a huge help. She had enough years in and decided that after last semester she was just done with this type of situation and it was time to step away. She will make the most of her retirement. She loves spending time with her H and they make time for each other. It is refreshing to see there are happy couples and they work at it.

I am going to do my best to just embrace the time I have off for now. I have plenty of things to keep me busy and I know I am not one to give up. Maybe this is a new adventure. I just have to keep reminding myself to look to the positives and to keep my mind open to possibilities.

And, well the dog - she is part of the focus at the moment. She is not eating her food now. I think her larynx is tender at times. Moist food has been too much for her in the past, but I may give that a try. This morning her allergies flared up and I had to give her Benadryl. When S found a lump under her leg last night he was very concerned. I am pretty sure it is just the type of mass that older dogs sometimes get. It doesn't hurt her, but I will keep an eye on it. I am of the mind that I know she is slowing down more and more. With no cure for the laryngeal paralysis, I am of the mind to just keep her happy and comfortable. So this morning, she had a scrambled egg for breakfast with cheese. She loves cheese  ::)

I like cooking for others, but I guess I never thought I would be cooking for the dog.  ::) I don't think I will be sharing my wine with her.  ;)
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« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 09:47:23 AM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#13: September 02, 2020, 06:03:51 PM
Well the full moon never fails to provide drama and excitement.  ::)

Tonight, I pushed someone way out of the ring they were in. Oh, they were never in that inner ring and I knew that, but they were a friend none the less. And, it takes a lot for me to push someone out. It may have been in part the very odd head space I was in today - IDK.

I had come to some conclusions earlier today while I was working on the desk. I had been available all morning for everyone and no one bothered me. The minute I found myself in the middle of a project it was if somehow they all knew. The dog, my M, my kids - and the phone ringing off the hook. I stood there and decided I need to just tell everyone no and unless they were bleeding to death, I was not available.

With the pandemic, I fell into a very bad trap. I was available for everyone at all hours of the day. I feel guilt when I put up boundaries and try to tell people what I need or don't need. My frustrations, I am aware are on a bit of a high alert lately and I am more tender.

I found myself in a very odd place this afternoon. I haven't had a meltdown over BD in ages. I only know the dates because they always aligned with the start of school. But today, I had this overwhelming feeling of WTF am I supposed to be doing? I should be preparing for school and classes - complaining about wishing I had another week of vacation. Yet, here I was thinking, OMG what am I doing and what will I do? I am going to be okay financially, I have planned. But, it didn't quell those sudden feelings emerging. And then came the feeling of being so easily disposed of.

I know in reality I am not the only one and the pandemic is in part to blame. But, I suddenly felt this overwhelming feeling of being tossed aside and not given a second thought. And there is some truth in that. Right now, those who. are remaining on the collegiate ship are just trying to tread water themselves, there is no room for the other crew members. I am not angry with them. I get it. But, it does feel a bit like you are one of the ones on the Titanic left on the ship while the lifeboats are rowing away. It is not a good feeling.

I know in reality I will figure it out and maybe something positive will happen, but today, the feeling was just overwhelming. So, I pushed through and worked on the desk top and tried to put my focus somewhere else. I was successful for some time, just sanding and oiling the desktop, not allowing that feeling of easily disposed of enter my mind.

And then S came home. Now, the millwork owner has been my friend for a long time. Not an inner circle friend, but a friend none the less. And I know his quirks and his philosophies. He is obsessed with becoming rich and that is his idea of success. He and I have had this conversation before.

The thing is, he and I were not around one another for a very long time. He doesn't really know all of what has gone on. And even if he had been around, I am not sure he would have known the depth of the reality I lived because I guard so much because some of it to me is pointless.

Xh and I did very well for a long time. To look at my situation now, no one would know that. And that is okay. I have accepted the realities of the situation and it isn't always pretty. But, I also know the other side. Even before Xh, there are things I just don't share because I put more stock in people's character than who I have met or know.

My F's resume was very extensive and I was exposed to some pretty big names at an early age in terms of collectors, etc. Never really cared, still don't. Nor did my F. If you were to ask him, his favorite piece he ever sold was to a blind woman that was a "no one" not the big celebrity names that collected his work. And, I learned at an early age to appreciate the janitors at the college as much as the big administrators. Without the janitors and custodians the place would have fallen apart.

So fame and fortune have never been something I chase. The thing is, there was a time, when my friend, S's boss didn't know a whole lot about my life. I did my time on the "other side". There is so much I don't share, because I find most of the people I encountered shallow and vapid. Money was not what drew me to people - it was character. And there was a time when I began to lose myself in the whole mentality. The resorts, the truth was that wasn't really me. I know it. It wasn't the resorts, or the money, but some of it was Xh's need to be one of the "beautiful people" and it became an addiction. I bought into it for a bit and I know I began to chip away at my own soul.

And it isn't about the money. That is, sure more money would always be nice, but for me, it has never been what defines my own happiness. I want to be a good person, who can pay their bills and enjoy my life. Nice things are at the end of the day, just nice things. That is my core values. Somewhere for awhile I lost that.

And then along came MLC and I went the other extreme and allowed Xh to completely destroy what we had built up. To look at my life now, sure, it looks like I have always struggled. The truth is, sometimes the struggles have been the best times of my life. I have taken great pleasure in knowing I was able to fight my way back. There is a bit of that sense right now. No, on paper, it is so ugly, but I take some pride in knowing that I kept the kids in the house, I have gotten them to at least a good stable point, and no, it is not what I would like it to be, but compared to where I was headed it is a big deal.

So, when S mentioned my friend went on a rant as he is known to do, S said the boss told him that he loves me and I raised him right in so many ways, but I failed and continue to fail on one big area and that is to think like a rich person. He said I didn't get S to think like Jeff Bezos. And doesn't S want to be rich? S was grumbling when he came home and said it was just the boss being the boss. That is true, that is one of his constant complaints. He and I had several rows about that in the past, as I told him not all of us equate wealth with success.

But tonight, that just gutted me. How could my friend say this about me? The truth is he really has no clue as to what I have been through and where I have been. He has no idea what it is like to be nearly left homeless due to a MLCer gone mad and fight your way back to the surface. And, unfortunately this came not the same day that I am already struggling to find my own sense of not feeling like some misfit toy.

I was livid. It made me want to go over to his house and lay out who I know and how easy it would be to make calls that would just make his head spin. But that was reactive. That isn't me on any level. I have now just pushed this friend to a ring farther out. I know it is his philosophy in terms of success and I could have accepted that, but he made fatal error. He attacked me in front of my kid. An attack that was way out of bounds and without any real context. Oh, sure he was trying to make a point, I am sure, but it has landed him in a very bad position with me. I have now put up a ring in between the one that was there. I am pissed. I am hurt and maybe it is my own soft spot and bringing up a trigger that I had put so far behind me - the BD and the stupid things that hit right before school started. I had left that in the dust simply know their existence because of the timing. Now, I am reeling from it all.

Tomorrow, I begin the commission and it is what I need. I just need to throw myself into something I love doing because the rest of my life is so uncertain and right now, I have no answers or real direction in terms of knowing where I stand on many fronts.

I know I have money coming in. I know I will be okay until at least December without having to draw unemployment. I will check into that as well. I know spring could bring something else. I know the kids are settling in, even though there are some unanswered parts regarding tuition, etc. I know I have plenty of projects to keep me busy. My personal life is a mystery as far as I can tell.

I am not liking this feeling of just plodding along and alone. It is too much like BD and limbo for my likes, but it is the reality right now. One day at a time and I will go back to what saved me in MLC - just focusing on the positives and figuring out ways to put myself outside and reconnect with my spiritual side. Maybe it is supposed to happen this way - IDK. 
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« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 06:15:34 PM by MourningDove »

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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#14: September 03, 2020, 07:10:15 AM
Hmmmmmm ......

Those are the kids of "friends" that one can honestly do without I think... To call not being obsessed with fortune a failure is beyond the pale.... Look at the state of the world today... It is being run into the ground by the few that feel "rich" equals "success" and "power" (OK, money does unfortunately give one a bit of leverage) but, you know what?

One day, he, me, you, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US, is going to die. We will leave this earthly existence.... and you know what else? You can't take your bank account with you when you go..... You can't take the expensive car, the luxury home, the Gucci Sunglasses.... none of it....

What you take with you are your memories of who and how you loved and lived on this spinning ball of rock. Those are the things that, when it is time to walk into the light (or get dropped into a hole in the ground or whatever else your belief system envisages), that carry you forward.

Those are also the things that carry us forward in our day-to-day struggles with this life. Money may make some issues easier to solve but it brings other problems with it and rich people are usually not any happier than those who have "enough" in their lives, who CHOOSE to be content and enjoy what they have rather than envy those who have "more." Because those who make the choice to enjoy what they have and be content with it are those who are truly happy. If one is comparing themselves and their list of possessions to someone else, that is like stabbing yourself in the nose with a fork.... Because there will ALWAYS be someone who is richer, tanner, better looking, taller, shorter, slimmer, better built, has nicer clothes, drives a nicer car, whatever!  It is ALL external  and everything external can be taken away.....

One's internal happiness and contentedness can not be taken away (permanently). It may be shaken to the core (like at BD) or totally upended like those whose partners have done horrible things as they make their way through the tunnel.... but in the end, it is within our own realm of influence to CHOOSE happiness and contentedness or to choose to be envious, jealous, and feel "less than" because we compare ourselves to some, mostly obtainable, ideal that we consider to be "perfect."

<Climbing off of my soapbox>

The boss needs a good dose of 2x4 reality....  ::)

and he deserves to be informed that he has just shot himself in the foot... with a VERY large caliber weapon.... <muttering "what a jerk" under my breath>
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#15: September 03, 2020, 10:59:55 AM
UrsaMajor- Yes, money does sometimes help, but it is not the road to complete happiness, at least as far as I can see.

I found myself just completely in a heap last night. I had spoken to my good friend last night and she could hear the pain in my voice. She suggested that maybe I need to see an IC. And, while I am not opposed to that idea, she said something else that really resonated with me. She said I am not stuck as such, but this pandemic put me in a very odd place and I am having a hard time moving forward. The phase she used was sometimes we have to peel back layers and remove things to be able to move forward.

The problem I had with this friend of mine saying what he did was something that woke me up out of a deep sleep and I found myself thinking from 1 am until about 4 again. I don't care when people criticize my ways, or have opinions about my kids, etc in some cases. But, this felt like a bit of an assault on my character, and his timing could not have been worse. I was already having a very odd day with the strange BD feelings rolling in. And I won't say it was a trauma type trigger. It was just the current situation feeling so out of my control which brought those feelings to the surface. It had little to do with Xh and some feelings for him - it was that odd sensation of not having control of my own life or the circumstances, which lead to the other feelings of being disposed of, etc. Mind fire trucking at its best.  ::)

My friend can have his opinions and he sometimes has this misconception that because I am artistic that I float through my life and don't have a business sense at all. I laid in bed and laughed at one point and thought about my situation. I have never been motivated by money. Yes, it makes things easier in terms of some stress, but then my idea of heaven would not be living in a multi dollar mansion with people waiting on me. And, the truth is, my friend really has no clue and it is not a point I need to argue with him. I don't ever expect him to understand. The only thing that may make him see that none of that matters at the end of the day, that is the material things might take a really big slap from the universe. But, I don't wish that on him. I will simply adjust my expectations of our friendship.

It made me laugh a little as I thought about the reality. I don't have a house payment. I have minimal debt, and I pay my bills. There are things that are still not financially where I would like to be, but I have made huge strides to get back on my feet. I am not living off the system somehow. So, why does it matter to anyone else? And, my kids, they are adults and both work hard and have strong ethics and values. They work hard, so I hardly think the fact that they don't think in the "rich" mindset is a problem. By most accounts, people tell me how fortunate I am to have raised a couple of very loving, kind, hardworking kids. They aren't perfect, but I consider myself pretty blessed most of the time with the kids I have.

Since I was wide awake, I began to really search deep within myself as to why this set me off and drew a line back to the past few months of my ups and downs. It goes back to what things do I have control over and where do I need to adjust. My friend, his opinion in this matter simply pushed him out of the circle he was in because it is not in my value system. To make such a statement and devalue me in essence because I don't think the way he does just made me realize he is a friend who you have limited conversations with and his assessment crossed a line in my overall value system. It was too similar too some comments Xh made in MLC, and that doesn't help either. Those who understand me and those I trust at a whole other level -- those opinions I will take more seriously even when it is a 2x4 they are smacking me with.

I fought so hard to find my own core again and before the pandemic, I had my moments, but I was really in a good place. I felt better and at least could say I could see my core. I was feeling true to myself. It is not to say that I was somehow feeling like I was perfect, because I am one to look at myself from a critical lens and try to grow. The past few months, I was sucked into the pandemic shutdown and the online situation to the degree where I went from 10,000 steps on a slow day to 500, as I tutored 75 students all hours of the day for months. I was bound to my students and the computer. And, I can say I would have done it differently, but the truth is, the situation perhaps required more of me. I guess, I don't entirely regret some of the extra energy I put in. I know I tried to do my best under really stressful circumstances.

But, once the classes were done, there was this feeling of being completely drained. That part I just didn't step back far enough and look to see what I was missing. I drained the tank of energy for myself.

I can see it in the gardens outside. I am not happy with how they look. Usually, I love being outside and in the sunshine this time of year. I haven't wanted to tackle it - it has felt like too much. Everything has felt like too much. But then I would find these bursts of energy and do these projects that filled me. I pushed too hard at times, I know. But, those were the times where I felt alive again.

This morning, I went and helped my F with the first steps of the commission. I had printed out the preliminary work and we came up with a game plan. I spent time cutting up some wire and my F formed an armature to start building up on. As he worked on that, I pulled back the plastic wrapping and wet cloths from my sculpture from last Saturday.

That sculpture and the process that followed brought me more answers than I would find in hours of an IC at this point. I know what needs to happen. I needed to pull apart the torso in areas and reconfigure the skeletal structure I had built underneath. It is not always easy to peel back things and realize in order to move forward, I had to go backwards. Hours of work from last week needed to be essentially destroyed to reconfigure the arms on the torso. I had to take pliers and bend the substructure and hit it with a hammer at times. It was a very physical process, but the stress rolled right away from me. And, I destroyed some of the best parts that I loved about the piece, but it had to happen. It was in that process, I realized it is what has to happen in my daily life - I need to pull back the layers and reconfigure some things.

As I worked, I suddenly felt very centered. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I know what has to happen in my life. I look back now and see what I set aside during the pandemic. Some was beyond my control, and some not, but it comes back to things I sacrificed. It is in those sacrifices that I am now feeling these other effects. The triggers setting me off and the fears rolling in.

It is not that I haven't had fears before, but one area I have neglected is my spiritual side. My own time where I took my walks and just let myself focus on what was around me. So many times I found peace or even answers to my own questions. They weren't always clear or some sign, but there was a calmness that came over me. I am missing that.

I don't think this is about me needing to talk it through with someone at this point. I think I need to get back to my core values and where I am happiest before I throw myself into going and just trying to talk it out. Right now, I think I have spent too much time thinking and talking it through. I need the physical change and to treat it like a meditative state. The walks and getting back to my more creative side. I am going to cut back on the media onslaught again and going to just try and focus on myself when I can. That doesn't mean I am somehow not giving of myself. I want to share parts of myself with others, but I need to put up boundaries and I need to recharge completely.

I was only in the studio for a couple of hours this morning, but everything about that experience this morning made me realize very quickly, it is what I need. I need the physical activity and that is what I need to nurture again to refill that part of myself.

Looking back to a year ago and where I was mentally at, had my friend said that, it would have ticked me off, but I would have told him to jump off a cliff and just rolled my eyes. So, while he was out of bounds, and it isn't going to somehow make me brush it off, I realize that maybe it is my own attitude that needs to adjust. There are always going to be people with opinions. I just don't have to listen to all of them. I need to adjust. I can only control my part in this.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#16: September 03, 2020, 07:28:09 PM

I had done some work on the last large commission, but I was coming off of the divorce. S and my F took the long trip to install that piece. It was a trip they loved. I am not sure if this will be shipped, but I am kind of hoping to deliver it in person. I could use a road trip with purpose.


Hey, I think I recall that large commission coming to my state, MD! 

I sure hope you get the chance to help deliver this one.   Your Father is an amazing and talented man. 
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#17: September 04, 2020, 09:07:28 AM
stillbaffled - yes, you are correct. The last commission was brought delivered to Minnesota. I was so hoping to get to see it myself this summer, as it was in my travel plans for the summer. But, I guess it will have to wait.

My sister and I have often joked with my F when we were younger we knew how lucky we were and he really set the bar very high for any potential men that entered our lives.

Oh, sure, now that my F is older, he is a little cranky at times and doesn't have the same patience, but we laugh about it. He still amazes me when he is in the studio. He has had both hips replaced and suffers from arthritis, but he is amazingly strong mentally and physically at 83. He doesn't work as many hours and takes breaks, but the definition in his forearms is mind boggling. People come up to me all the time and ask how old he is. They swear he looks like he is in his 60's and he moves a bit slower than he used to but behaves like he is much younger. Youthful spirit.

People have made so many assumptions over the years about my F. Some assume that because he is an artist it must have meant he had naked women running around the house and lived some Bohemian lifestyle. Those who know my F will laugh. My F appreciates beauty, but there has never been any doubt what woman held his attention and his heart. His level of loyalty and commitment to my M is no secret.

The other thing is because my F lives out in the country in the middle of nowhere that he is unknown. He moved back here because he could work without a whole lot of interruption and his inspiration is often found in nature or historical. He is not going to end up in the art history books, but he has had a very successful career. I always laugh when someone will say to me, "maybe someday he will become famous and his career will take off". Hmmm, he has done okay.  ::) But, my F is pretty humble. He is not about to boast about where his work is or who he knows. Many of his clients are just listed for his own purposes or when he has had to use it for PR in gallery shows. I often giggle when those comments arise because the list of names is pretty impressive. But, he has no personal need to name drop.

I was in his studio thinking about the one client who was having a portrait done and called to ask if there was somewhere they could land his helicopter. No problem - LOL. Oh, sure, it is not a helicopter pad, but there is a field across the way that you can use. LOL. To my dad, it was just "another day at the office".

Working next to him yesterday was a true blessing. While he was busy working away and it was at a point where I would have just been in the way, I went to work on my sculpture. Usually we have music on, but we opted to just throw the doors to the studio wide open and let the fresh air come in and listen to the birds outside. We didn't need to talk. Sometimes we have had deep conversations, but yesterday, the talk was about the work. He came over and helped me when he saw I was looking through the collection of wire and needing something to extend the arms of the torso I was working on. He got so excited when he told me to wait, he had the perfect solution. He ran over to his other stash of wire and brought a larger gauge wire, but more malleable.

That couple of hours did so much for me. I felt a different energy. And, I have a lot of work to do on that sculpture now that I have pulled away sections and had to destroy parts in order to get to where it needs to go. It didn't frustrate me. Instead it was an acceptance of what needed to happen, attacking it and having a clearer vision of knowing it was needing work, but the challenge felt invigorating instead of defeating.

And, maybe that is the problem as of late. I have felt this cloud of defeat hanging over me. I haven't given into it totally. I have been outrunning it, but I am tired and so, my attitude is just changing. Go ahead, rain down on me - I will either find an umbrella or get wet. Bring it on.  ;)
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#18: September 04, 2020, 07:04:08 PM
I had to work this afternoon for a very short time slot. I am not sure how I ended up with that time slot, but it was okay. I worked around the house and then went to put in a 3 hour shift. It was a quick shift for a variety of reasons and it was incredibly busy.

I had gotten really dressed up for once. It has been awhile since I went full on makeup, jewelry, dress and heels. My dress was a navy color and I was trying to decide on shoes. I had put on a pair of my glasses and when I was looking in my closet, I opted for some light rose stiletto sandals. I had matched them to the temples on my glasses.

While I was working away, a woman I know very well came in. She and her H were back from their summer home and she asked me what I was up to. I told her I was on "sabbatical" it seems. She knew what I meant and we had a good laugh about it. Then I saw her get very excited and she said "good". Oh? My unemployment is a good thing? LOL. Well, she has joined the board of an arts organization, one that is incredibly active and has a very large membership. So, she is officially in charge of programming as of now. And, she wants to snag me for my areas of expertise. I happen to know this particular group has an endowment and pays their artists very well. She said she remembered our discussion on the importance of loving the process and she is one of the few I have shared the more spiritual aspects of some of my work. The idea of finding some peace in that process, or even how to channel some of the energy through physical, more energetic brush strokes, etc.

So, I am now on her radar and I know she is persistent and organized. It's not a full time gig, but it will certainly help. And coming up with some programming of a different nature will be a nice change.

I left work and decided to run the errands that I had listed out a few days ago. I haven't been out much during this whole pandemic. D has taken on most of the grocery shopping and picking things up. I had compiled a list of stops that I needed to make and went off to Target. I can't recall the last time I was in that store - maybe back in May. It made the most sense over making multiple stops.

There were a lot of miserable people running around. Worn out. Cranky. IDK. But, I wasn't going to let the other people ruin my mood. I was in a good place.

I had to wait in line for a long time, only to have the register go down just as I approached. The poor cashier felt so bad. I laughed and said it was all good and I moved to another line, only to have to wait again. But this time, I was behind a gentleman, probably in his late 30's and his 2 young children. And, I laughed as the kids were full of life, and questions. The father rolled with it, but he was trying to keep an eye on the daughter in particular who was fascinated by all the other aisles. She must have been about 5 and the son was maybe 7.

The father was apologizing to me and I laughed, saying I had 2 kids and had experienced those moments years ago. He gave me a look when I said mine were much older and told them they were 22 and 19. He said there was no way I had kids that old. As the little girl rounded the corner, she spotted my shoes. Here eyes got wide. She didn't say a word. I looked at her shoes and they were clearly some mermaid inspired teal opalescent sandals. I told her I loved her sandals. She proceeded to tell me all about them and I kept her busy for several minutes. Her F was looking over and smiling. She then looked my outfit over and she said really liked how I matched my shoes to the sides of my glasses. It made me laugh and I told her no one else noticed that today. They only noticed how high my shoes were. She bounced out the door and waved.

When I got to the parking lot the F was returning the cart. He walked over and thanked me for keeping his littlest one occupied. He laughed and said she is spirited and fiery. I said it was my pleasure and I know that type of spirit, because my daughter, like his, is a red-head. He laughed and asked if it gets easier. I burst out laughing and recommended long walks by himself from time to time to save his sanity. LOL.

I was ready to come home, when S called and asked if I could pick something up for him. I was already on my way home, but he rarely asks me to pick up things. So, I laughed when I told him that would mean I had to stop at Walmart and the kids know how much I dread that. But, I did as he asked. Apparently this particular Walmart, it is the place to be on a Friday night because there was a line to get in. I sighed and just decided to get it over with and as I was waiting, I spoke to the young man who was watching the doors. Just a simple conversation. Said hello, asked how he was. We exchanged niceties. And I went and got my things. On my way out to the car, I was putting my things in the car, when I turned around to see the same young man retrieving the carts from the cart return. I waited by my car as he was starting to walk the carts back. I handed him my cart and thanked him. He stopped and said that was very thoughtful of me not to put it in the corral and to wait for him. I laughed and told him that seemed logical to me. And he told me he wanted to thank me for just being nice to him at the door. He went on to say he goes most days with no one even noticing him and it was nice to know that some people are still polite and kind. He went back to work and I thought about this on the way home.

I have heard this before from people before the pandemic - that I make an effort to be nice to people at stores, and such. It is something I put extra effort in after MLC hit. I have always done it, but more so now. But, for awhile the pandemic created some odd encounters. People who were very uncomfortable in general. It is easing up a little, but for me, it has become more important to take the time and thank the people who are manning these lines, etc. They cannot be enjoying standing there for hours on end and some people are just mean and confrontational. These people didn't make the rules and yes it is their "job" but it doesn't mean I can't take the time to let them know that I appreciate their efforts.

And, when I came home, S was working on his friend's truck with him. This young man is one of my favorites. He is polite and a good kid. He lives alone and works in a situation where he doesn't really encounter any one. I talked to the friend for a bit and asked about what he was up to. But, my "nice side" left for a moment when I heard the tell tale sound of one of S's other friends coming down the road. I muttered under my breath "FFS" and turned to S and told him that if this kid ends up drinking and ending up on my sofa again with his M at my door at 10 am there was going to be hell to pay. S's other friend laughed and said to S, "this is why I love your M". S and the friend assured me that they would make sure this kid didn't drink and they would send him home at a reasonable hour. I turned to S's friend and told him that he is lucky, as I don't say that about him or most of S's friends. He laughed and said he wouldn't want to be on my bad side. Good plan - LOL.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#19: September 05, 2020, 09:11:20 AM
S decided at dusk to light some of the brush he cut down on fire and have a bonfire. S's friends were getting ready to leave, so I asked what was with the bonfire. S smiled and said it just seemed like a nice way to end the week.

The fire took hold quickly, as some of the brush was from the apple tree that had been taken down some time ago. I was ready to go to bed, but wanted to walk down to see how S was. His GF was exhausted, having been out making deliveries for the restaurant where she works. She said it was incredibly busy and she is now on the schedule for the entire weekend, as some of her coworkers have decided they are "sick". She knows better, based on who the people are, but she said the weekend will provide good tips, so she will take the hours.

When I got to the orchard, the fire was roaring and S seemed mildly concerned that it would burn longer than he anticipated. I told him I was going back to the house and getting a couple of blankets. He gave me an odd look. I smiled and said if we were going to be outside much longer, we may as well be comfortable on the cold ground. He knew I was originally planning on going to bed, and he felt a little guilty. I told him not to worry about me - I may just sleep under the stars.

He began laughing when he saw me with an armload of blankets. I came back and spread a blanket on the ground and had one for each of us to wrap around our shoulders.

The night was perfect. There was a light breeze in the cool night. The moon was glowing and the sky was so clear. In the orchard under those conditions, you can see all the stars. S laughed and said it was like a trip to the planetarium. The fire roared away and the orange glow was so perfect. The smoke was minimal, as that fire was so hot.

We sat outside, just the 2 of us for a couple of hours as we waited for it to burn down enough to cover the hot coals with dirt to make sure it didn't re-ignite.

Most of the time we just sat in a comfortable silence. Nothing needed to be said and we were both just enjoying the moment.

Out of the blue, S said to me that he remembered when he was little we would have bonfires when he and D would chase lighting bugs and play nearby. They would roast marshmallows and run around some more, trying to use up the energy from the sugar rush. Then exhausted, they would snuggle up next to me on a blanket on the ground. He laughed and said we would stay out really late some nights and I would let them sleep in the next day. It wasn't something we did a lot, but on nights like last night, yes, I figured they should experience the joy of a perfect end of summer night.

S thanked me last night for those memories. I punched his shoulder lightly and told him to stop because I was tearing up. And it was the perfect night. We could hear the train in the distance coming through at midnight.

We laughed about the accuracy of all the country songs that mention sleeping in the back of a truck bed under the stars. We joked as there was a truck bed nearby on the property line that is not attached to a truck at the moment. It is on the back of a trailer which is making a trip to the scrap yard. I laughed and said that seemed a bit redneck and then cracked up saying that the location of it alone was problematic, as it is in the woods and IDK, the idea of waking up with a raccoon snuggled up next to me wasn't really appealing.

We came in around 1 am, having buried the remaining fire under dirt. This morning, both of us said it was one of the best nights we had in a long time.

There was a certain satisfaction in knowing that the anniversary of BD #1, 2 and the divorce were around this time, that there have been so many good things since then. There is no sadness about what was and I was grateful that S has those fond memories. I know that Xh was part of those and I don't want that narrative to change. Those were good times, but it made me realize that I am also grateful that I held myself to my core and didn't demonize Xh. I caught myself and wanted to stick to that high road. It wasn't always easy and it still isn't sometimes. But, what would it have gotten me to tell the kids everything that went on between Xh and I?

I thought about my MIL and her need to constantly tell the kids all the bad things FIL did. Was she justified in her anger? Had he done those things? Yes, she had been cheated on and left. She played her part in the marriage issues, but she had a reason to feel like a victim to a degree. But, looking back, the longer she played the card the more bitter she became and ultimately her decision to stay stuck and make sure she was "winning" by telling the kids and anyone who would listen that she was wronged went on too long. The kids pulled away and didn't want to see her or talk to her all that often.

The first time I met her, Xh and I went to pick her up to bring her to SIL's for a month. It was an 8 hour drive. It had been nearly 10 years she and FIL had been divorced by then and she made sure I had the whole story. I remember feeling uncomfortable and Xh getting upset. He had just reconnected with FIL that same weekend and was trying to wrap his head around it all. It didn't clear the air for Xh. And, at least during that time, Xh would talk to me about his feelings.

I give MIL some credit though. It would take another 10 years, but she started to own her failings and focused on the things she had. She still would grumble and refer to FIL as that ba$--d, but she didn't play the victim anymore. And that would be when I saw Xh's relationship with her blossom. She spent more time focused on the present and their time together. It would only last for a few years, as she ended up getting sick and dying, which I am convinced was the beginning of Xh's MLC and FOO issues starting to emerge. He started bottling it all up.

For whatever reason, this simple night last night made me realize how important my silence has been sometimes. It doesn't mean that I can't tell the kids some things and I can put my boundaries up, etc, but the price I would have paid for trying to make sure people knew how bad things were, is too steep of a price to pay for my likes. It doesn't mean lying to my kids, but they need to remember their F as the man he was. And, they are old enough to see he is messed up. They can draw their own conclusions.

I wondered how different life would be if I had chosen to do as MIL had. I know I would not have had a night like last night with S. At the very least, the bitterness would have kept me from seeing the beauty in the simplicity of it all.

And, it comes full circle to the comment made by my friend a few days ago. Sure, money could have gotten me a glamping experience with some fabricated environment. But no money could buy what mattered last night.  :)
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« Last Edit: September 05, 2020, 09:19:40 AM by MourningDove »

 

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