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Author Topic: My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3

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My Story Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#100: October 15, 2020, 10:37:24 AM
UrsaMajor - So it isn't just me that sees how very messed up this all is?

You know, the idea in and of itself is not so crazy - that is the desire of Xh's to save the family home. People do it. It is a bit unusual, but it is not so incredibly off-the-wall on the one hand. But, when paired with the other things and the history of Xh and his antics, it is just more MLC bandaid fixes. And the root of the issues are never addressed. These are just material things or moves to somehow fix something that lies within.

I am marginally better today, although I am still very sore and having a hard time motivating.

It is funny, to the outside world, people would not know I am having a tough day. They don't see it. In part because I don't want to be perceived as a victim, and frankly, I do try to have a positive outlook. Sometimes that requires fighting through the feelings inside. It is not me putting on a mask of sorts. I just don't complain too much. I will express it to a few people, like my sister or a handful of others. I will write it out, but by in large, I try to push through my own feelings. It is not sticking my head in the sand or avoiding it. I just cope differently. And most times, my change in attitude helps me push forward. It has not been so easy this week.

I am in an immense amount of pain and I have a high tolerance for pain. Now, if I were nauseous - forget it. That puts me down for the count. But, pain, in general, I am able to deal with for whatever reason.

I know the source of my pain and what is exacerbating this back pain. It is pure stress bringing it on. The injury flares up from time to time, but to lock up and pinch means I am tense and it is on me to address.

The situation with S has me upset. To add to it, the state Xh asked S to travel to is one of the biggest hotspots in the country now for Covid. While I am not one to get where I want to put my kids in a bubble, I am concerned - not going to lie. And maybe it is the fact that Xh just dismisses all of these things anyways. And it isn't that he isn't careful himself at times. He has admitted he follows the rules, etc. But, when these ideas come into his head caution goes out the door.

S mentioned one particular event prior to BD#1 and we all wondered what was going on with the once sane, rational man we knew. XH had wanted to buy a truck from his B. He flew to where his B lived, and then announced he was buying a trailer, and an antique truck and driving them home. This was in the middle of winter. And while it had been a mild winter, we were heading into March. March is always a crapshoot. I asked him if it really seemed wise to drive a truck that far, when it had never been used to haul anything at all. S questioned the wisdom of it as well, considering the truck had high miles on it. But, I was told it was happening. He drove over 1200 miles and when he called on the last leg - he was 8 hours away, I told him we were experiencing a blizzard and he should wait it out. And, my Xh could get mad, but his reaction was suddenly so foreign. He screamed at me that he was going to drive the rest of the way come hell or high water.

So, I went out and kept the driveway shoveled all day long. The tractor's plow was broken and the town plows were  not out because they weren't able to keep up with the snow. It was an unusual occurrence for our region. And around 10 pm Xh hauled in, but he could not get up the knoll at the end of the road. It was too slick and the truck he had didn't have the proper tires, etc. He got out and screamed at me to get S out of bed. It was a school night. He told S to get out of bed and to get the tractor running. It was awful. We finally got the truck in the driveway, but it was a hellish night.

S mentioned how stupid the whole thing was. The truck, it ended up blowing something on the engine after all was said and done. S had said to me that the truck had never been meant to haul something of that size anyways and had been babied over the years. Within 6 months, Xh decided he didn't want the antique truck and trailer after all. The other truck, he ended up selling to the neighbors because he didn't want to fix it and it kicked off the many vehicles Xh would go buying himself and the many rentals in between all of the crazy purchases.

This building, it is right up there with that type of behavior, I suspect. And, in the grand scheme of things - I don't care what Xh does, except that it affects the kids. S is not sure he wants to go this weekend. I am hoping he bows out. The past few trips, Xh has left him to drive and it isn't a happy trip. And the last time S was in this territory, he was told he was to dig the hole for his uncle's ashes - not a happy event. The stress is evident in S right now, and it weighs on me. Add the school aspect and I am tired of this game Xh likes to play.

To add to it all, D called this morning after PT. She is upset. She is 5'7" and has lost more weight. She is close to 100 lbs now and she isn't trying to lose weight. For her build, she is too thin. She is concerned. She has lost 10 lbs again very quickly. She was calling the doctor to get in and have bloodwork done. She may have what my sister and I developed at that age with the B12 deficiency and maybe traditional anemia, which my sister had in her 20s. D's diet is exceptionally good and well rounded and she makes sure she eats, but I know with her too, there has been stress.

She did laugh when she said her trainer at PT told her that she doesn't take after me, in that I am always very chill and have a snappiness about me. A certain swagger and a smile on my face. He said he has yet to see me with anything other than a cheerful disposition. D laughed and said that I have my days, but no, she takes after my M and my Xh in terms of temperament. When she came home, she said I am clearly not myself. No, I really am not right now and I know it.

I will push through the pain and work on relaxing. These outside stressors are beyond my control and I have to just roll with whatever life throws at me.

I know that I don't like the other choice - which is to give in and give up, which will make those moments of positives harder to grab on to, even though they might be right in front of me. So, I have decided I need to seek out those moments again and grab ahold - it is what got me through the worst of the MLC laden times. I am tired, but I am going to find it in me to just push forward, because this place I am in right in this moment really sucks. Don't want to hang out here too long - LOL

So, my positive for this moment is as simple as the weather is insanely beautiful and so lovely out, that I have all of my windows open and a fresh fall breeze is filling the house.

Might be all I can grab on to at the moment, but it is a start.  ;)
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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#101: October 15, 2020, 11:21:07 AM
Quote
The situation with S has me upset.

Can I suggest a way to reframe it that might allow you to put that mental moat back in place, Mourning?

Trust the core of who your son is. You know what kind of human he is. He has a track record from what I can recall of making pretty sensible choices when push comes to shove. And of learning from his occasional mistakes pretty darn quickly and without much kerfuffle that lasts very long. And he has empathy for how his choices affect others. Yes, your xh is on his own dysfunctional FOO fix it rollercoaster. And yes, he has a pattern of using your son when it suits him and stiffing him when it suits him......but perhaps you can trust your son to choose/learn wisely and therefore not have that stressful feeling of xh metaphorically invading your collective lives? And that your son is learning how to keep his father in an appropriate buffered spot albeit perhaps with a little trial and error which might be a useful life lesson writ large anyway? Just a thought.....but it has always seemed to me that there is something rather lovely and calm and solid about your son which makes him who he is and how he is with others and why so many people trust and value him as they do  :)
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#102: October 15, 2020, 02:14:20 PM
Treasur - I have been doing just that. Reminding myself that S is level headed and he is a lot like me, so I know how he thinks. It is also why I know how he is reacting to Xh's behaviors. And on a certain level it is a bit of a trigger, I suspect.

It is difficult being the only stable parent in these cases. I have never been a helicopter mom or a mother who somehow needs to protect the kids from things. I was the mom that put in those safety measures like baby gates, but then at a certain point, I also figured there were going to be plenty of bumps and bruises along the way. I always kept a close eye on things, but knew I did not want a kid who was fearful of things either. I had experienced dealing with those kids in high school and college even before I had my own kids. I wanted my kids to know the risks and to respect the potential risks, but I certainly didn't want them fearful of the things that "might happen".

So, it is really very difficult for me when these moments occur. There is the part of me that trusts S. There is the part of me that knows I cannot fix it. There is part of me that would like to just shrug it off. But then there is the very protective part of me that hates that S is in pain, and I have this desire with those in my closest circles, that the protective part wants to absorb the pain. And S is really hurting and confused right now. Even though I trust he will make the decision that is right for him - and it might be that he doesn't continue - I will have to accept and respect his decision, but it doesn't stop the mom in me from wanting this hurt to go away.

It becomes more complex when you know that the person who is throwing the monkey wrench into the mix never used to be this way. Xh would have never been so selfish and was always a good dad - for all of his other flaws, I will never criticize him of being anything but a loving dad before all of the FOO issues bubbled up into this toxic stew. And that is the hardest part for any of us to grasp, especially S, who is just now experiencing what D and I have already been through. And that is another level of pain. Knowing that I have watched D go through this process and now S, is really hard to witness. I have been through it. I know what comes next. And I know it has to happen this way and S has to figure it out, just like D and I have. S has to run the gauntlet. Watching it is not a pleasant experience.

I have a call into the doctor myself. I am thinking I am in need of some bloodwork run as well. It has been over a year since I had anything done and with the stress, my B12 could be way off. The pandemic threw off all of my regular check ups, and with my B12, I try to stay on that at least once a year. It would explain some of the fatigue I am experiencing and I am not wanting to just mess with my intake and risk having the levels be way too high.

My S is a really good kid. He came into the kitchen today after having had a video conference/interview with someone in the industry. They were just blown away by his knowledge and the way he carries himself. He will be fine - I know that. I have never had any doubts there. He is a hard worker and has a huge heart. It is in part why his closest friends come here to hang out.

It was rather amusing. The other night, 2 of S's friends stopped to see if he was home from Xh's yet. He wasn't but they stopped and chatted. S showed up and they started saying that they cannot believe I don't have a boyfriend running around here. S joked what were they getting at. They were quick to explain that one. They then got on the subject of step moms and how I would be a good step mom. I quipped I kind of liked the arrangement I had with having all of them to squawk and then they leave. But, they know - I am here for them and will help them as quickly as I will scold them if need be. The one kid mentioned his real mom is now dating a 33 year old and she is 50. S laughed and said what was the problem there? When the kid said she told him the boyfriend reminded her of the kid, then we saw the problem - LOL.

It would appear this turned into a conversation about my age. S mentioned I have had a man that age who pursued me pretty heavily. The friend's response was "but your mom is like only a little older". S laughed and asked how old did they think I was and they weren't allowed to do math - just gut reaction. I am a solid 37 it seems. S burst out laughing. I told him that is my mentality. I am 37 in my head, and there is no MLC involved.

I told them that the woman who used to own our house was 96 when she moved out. I had once asked her how she stayed so youthful in her outlook. She told me that if she was left on a doorstep as an infant and didn't know how old she was, then how old would she like to be. She laughed and told me she felt late 30's was a good age. Just enough maturity and still a bit of spunk left in you. She said it was a mindset. She didn't want to be an irresponsible kid anymore, but she didn't want to get hung up on her age either. Okay, and add some good genetics, I would guess, because neither of my parents look their age either. My F is always pegged for mid 60's.

Now, this age thing has come up as the topic of discussion with all of S's friends who are having fun trying to stump the others. Pandemic entertainment  ::) S and D of course chimed in. They had to explain the need for the age threshold clause in the rules of my potential dating. I added they didn't have to worry. Step children do not scare me. The idea of a 3 year old step child, that might actually terrify me, so they don't have to worry there.

When they brought up I could see if Mr Smoochy was available, I had to go inside. Damn kids. LOL
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« Last Edit: October 15, 2020, 02:15:50 PM by MourningDove »

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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#103: October 15, 2020, 07:45:44 PM


No words needed..... No Kinderschnitzel for you!
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#104: October 15, 2020, 10:30:01 PM
Ah see - that is the important move being illustrated, UrsaMajor. With Velociraptors you cannot take your eyes off of them and you back away slowly.  ::) LOL
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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#105: October 16, 2020, 01:26:54 AM
Mourning, I just wanted to say that I really get it about your S; what you write hits home somewhat right now.  Even after many years :-).

My D and one S have been on the receiving end of former H's diatribes, one S has kept himself away.  He is only now looking at things somewhat, partly feeling pressure from his GF (who has never met H) to "have a relationship", and very much trying to work things out for himself.  He tends to push it away and not think about it, however -- I think it is all too much.    GF, I should add, thinks it's perfectly OK for them to just be pals, if H doesn't want to be a father, she thinks he should take what he can get.... 

All of this also because he IS actually a level-headed young man, but also one who wants to see the best in everything.  He has already said that he doesn't want to be in a situation where he has his own children (which is way off) and they not have a grandfather.  He hasn't yet got to the part where you work out what is and isn't acceptable. 

And it makes me angry that my children find themselves in a position where they get the feeling that it is up to THEM to have whatever relationship is on offer with former H, that he gets to cherry-pick the bits he wants and leave the rest.  S is definitely starting to feel that way, that he should just take what is offered, if the alternative is nothing.   Former H's line is that they "have the opportunity to participate in another life", pretty much firmly stating that it's his life and they can come along if they want, rather than him participating in theirs. 

As if he (H) was the LBS and I the bad guy. 

But even so, my kids know actually next to nothing about his life, their only contact is the odd drink in the pub, where they might tell him what they are doing, but not learn anything. 

I should add that S's GF is a lovely young woman who genuinely means well; she just has no idea of what we've been through even though S has tried to explain, and her mindset is very much on "forgiveness" -- again, she can't really get her head round the situation so only has her own experiences to draw on, and those contain nothing remotely resembling this. 

And during this I am finding some surprising feelings of my own bubbling up, which I need to deal with separately.... 

So yes, this seems very normal for us who have been through this kind of unimaginable mill. 
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« Last Edit: October 16, 2020, 01:28:32 AM by Trustandlove »

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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#106: October 16, 2020, 09:40:15 AM
Trustandlove - That is exactly what the relationship with S has become with Xh - one where he cherry-picks when he can fit S into his life. D, well I am not sure what Xh's stance is there. I often think he knows that D is not going to let him off the hook at this point. D is not adversarial, but she would be the first to call Xh out on his garbage. S is more like me and he can have a temper, but is more apt to keep the peace.

It isn't easy for others to understand. Yes, there is a certain logic to "taking what you can get", but I think for situations like this, when there was a parent pre MLC who was heavily involved in the kid's lives, taking the crumbs they are given is almost more painful than nothing. It leaves them continually longing for what was and for more. And that is often what many LBS experienced. I know for me, it was almost worse when Xh would show me attention only to turn it back off. I still don't know if it was glimmers of Xh or gaslighting and that was in part because there were definite moments that the gaslighting and manipulation happened when the monster would appear. And, like many of us, as a parent you can only step back with kids that are adults and just be there to pick up the pieces - you can't really fix it or get involved too deeply, because the MLCer is still able to manipulate it to make themselves out the victim. I have found as painful as it is, it has been better when I have let the kids endure the pain and figure it out on their own and that is a horrible thing to witness. The desire to shelter them from it is there, but in reality, at least in my situation, I know it is not a good idea because I will be pulled into it and I need to be the stable parent who doesn't engage in the nonsense and the soft place for the kids to land. And that is exhausting more often than not.

I broke with my own rules last night and asked S what the plan was in regards to this trip. His response was rather telling. In the past, he and Xh took trips all the time together. Since the onset of MLC, those trips that S loved no longer are tempting to S. The MLC trips seem to always be about Xh and not about the father/son experience anymore. And, S's response last night was "first of all - dad wants to drive the 900 mile round trip in one day. Secondly, it is a high Covid area and technically I would have to quarantine for 2 weeks due to school regulations. Doesn't exactly make much sense". S then mentioned he is considering instead of staying home and having a bonfire. I personally am voting for the bonfire.  LOL.

This morning this "eh hem - 37 year old" - okay 37 in spirit only, decided to push through the rest of this pain. I had an appointment to pick up my art work that I had mats cut for. It had rained out and was a bit dreary, but I decided I needed to dress to fight the desire to climb back into bed and hiding from the world. I have had enough of not feeling great this week, so I found a pair of skinny jeans, a light fall sweater and my high heeled black boots. Full make up, jewelry and took time to curl my hair. I even found a mask to coordinate with my outfit. S saw me come around the corner and said it was nice to see me looking "sassy" today and more like myself.

The rain had stopped and the sky was overcast. The drive to the city where I needed to go is one I had driven about the same time last week. That day was sunny and the leaves were starting to change more. It was a gorgeous warm fall day. Today, I noticed the overcast sky and the wet leaves made everything actually even more dramatic. The yellow and red leaves that were hanging above the split rail fence that surrounds one of my favorite houses was stunning. The house, is a stucco sided home, that looks like it should be sitting amongst the vineyards in Spain. I have loved watching the new owners bring it back to life. It was neglected for many years. Today, I noticed they have been doing some landscaping.

I was making good time and then saw the tire pressure warning come on my dash. Logic says it is just because of the abrupt drop in temperature. Yesterday was nearly 75, while this morning it was 40. But, I wasn't going to take my chances. I pulled into the closest gas station and grumbled when I knew I should have gone down the road about a half a mile, when this place is now charging $2 for air and how convenient - they now have a place you can swipe your credit or debit card - for a fee. LMAO. Yah, this is why I carry quarters with me. I was putting the air in the tires and laughed as I found myself standing in a puddle. Karma - eventually gets you.  ::) It didn't deter me.

I stopped and picked up a coffee and the young woman at the counter knows me pretty well. She was all excited because she mentioned they had a new seasonal flavor which is Maple Bourbon. I laughed and asked her if she really needed to ask me to answer that ::) OMG - that is my new go to flavor for the fall.  ;D
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« Last Edit: October 16, 2020, 09:44:13 AM by MourningDove »

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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#107: October 16, 2020, 07:01:15 PM
I have known that I need to get back to focusing on those little moments that give me faith and bring those positives in life to the surface. Sometimes they are little things that might get lost in the shuffle of the day.

It had been a good day for the most part. My coworker and I are staging a coup - LOL. Okay, she got the owner's blessing, but I am a willing participant and Miss Management's head might actually spin when she finds out we are killing her system for inventory. She had "fixed it" last year by adding 3 more areas to input it, taking us now to 5 systems for something that simply requires one really good system. When I had told her solution was duplicitous she clearly had no idea what I meant and took it as a compliment. Hmmm - nope.

I like working with this coworker immensely and we aren't trying to sabotage anything, we just want a system that is efficient and accurate. I am looking forward to working with her and hopefully coming up with something that makes sense. And, the extra hours will help with the holidays coming.

The drive home was spectacular and I joked with my sister when she called me and interrupted my drive. I had the sun roof open, the heat on, as it was quite cold out and had the radio on. When I answered her, I told her that I must like her because I actually interrupted Metallica for her call. She laughed and said that is a good indication of my afternoon mood, considering when she spoke to me this morning and mid afternoon my choices in music were considerably more tame.  ::) I told her she just called me more than usual today and simply encountered a normal day - my many moods. LOL

When I arrived home, I was greeted by the dog, who was carrying her leash in her mouth. It was hooked to her harness and she knows which leash is for the car. I thought D had folded it up and and put it in the dog's mouth. Nope. The dog has a new trick. She refused to let us take the leash, walking herself up the sidewalk and then back to the car. D took her for a ride around the countryside and the dog got out of the car and again proceeded to walk herself to the door with leash in her mouth. That had D laughing and it was good to see that type of laughter coming out of D.

I sat down with a glass of wine and looked at an email someone asked me to look at. As I was scratching my head reading and rereading it, I had a ping on my computer. Someone had sent a message via Facebook. I opened it, and on messenger was a note from my former student who I had given the computer to. He wanted to let me know how he got the computer running and while it needs more RAM, which he has ordered, he was able to use the computer to access the software he needs for school. He hadn't been able to use it up until now and the professor was telling him he needed that version of software.

That little bit of news made me cry. He was so grateful and he never let on that he didn't have the right software, etc. When I think back about how the conversation came up in the first place, he had asked me about the laptop I was using and was saying someday he wanted a Mac and was hoping to save up for one. I knew he liked a challenge and fixing things, and told him I had the older laptop from 2008 that needed RAM and a new battery, but it was something I was going to take to the electronics recycling center one of these days and asked if he wanted to mess with it. That was before Covid hit and before he knew he would need one for school.

I wasn't looking for a thank you. Knowing that item I was ready to recycle was something so incredibly useful and helped that kid was all I needed to hear. I am so happy knowing his life will be a little bit easier now.  :)
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Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#108: October 17, 2020, 08:42:48 AM
In a totally different context, I wrote the following on a friend's FB page the other day :

We can never know what form an Angel will take when it visits this mortal world but they do visit....

Maybe they can appear to someone as a former teacher with an old notebook...

Just something to think about...

Instead of xH and the steaming pile of FOO poo he's shoveling
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
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Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
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Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#109: October 17, 2020, 06:54:35 PM
UrsaMajor - funny, I was thinking last night that the timing of all of this is so odd. The conversation about that computer came up before the shutdown and before he had been accepted into college. Then when we went into shutdown, I had sort of forgotten about it for the most part. It wasn't in an area that I would have seen it and reminded myself, and for whatever reason, it came up again when I realized he was the perfect owner for the typewriter table. Never did I think that it would prove to be something that would be so very necessary for him.

And the funny thing is someone said to me that it must make me feel good to have helped him. While it does, the biggest joy I had was hearing from him and the pride he had in making it not only work for what he needed, but that he was able to successfully complete his work. I don't care about the pat on the back - truly. It is not what drives me. I don't care about spotlight. Thank you is nice, but not what I needed. Knowing that is now going to make such a huge difference in his life at the moment was so humbling. I have so much to be grateful for and have so much, even when I am struggling to figure out how I am going to make things work at times.

It made me approach my day so differently today. It was like a spiritual shock to the system. These past few months have somehow put me in this very odd feeling of autopilot most days. A depletion of sorts. It was so many months of feeling like the lifeboat kept springing leaks and I was running around just plugging holes. Without a focus like work, the sudden reality of how much I neglected in my own self-care in terms of those things that feed my soul are so apparent.

And today, the universe provided me such a needed intervention. It started with one of my friends contacting me early in the morning. He was a student at the college several years ago. I only had him as an official student for 4 weeks when I stepped in for a colleague for 4 weeks when they had emergency surgery. He was a bit older than the typical student and when he continued to stay on as a tech assistant for several years before moving on to a 4 year program, he was always working when I was teaching. We just clicked and to the point where sometimes I would get frustrated with him as friends do.

I have been holding on to some of his artwork for 3 years. I rescued it when he was traveling and the college was doing renovations. I knew it was at risk for disappearing. He knew I had it, but we have not been able to connect long enough for him to come get it. So today, he showed up and it was a breath of fresh air. I walked him up to my F's studio as he knows my F well. As we were walking he gave me a big hug and got out his camera and started taking pictures of me. I laughed at him and said he knows I hate having my picture taken. Being friends with him has always been easy. 

What makes this all so very amusing, is my friend is my gay best friend, as he calls himself. He is insanely handsome and decidedly young, but he is an older guy caught in a younger man's body. He is an old soul. He was one of the few that can rock a man bun effortlessly, but he showed up today and has chopped his hair very short.

When I came back home, one of S's friends was here with his GF. S had a Cheshire Cat grin on his face. Oh dear. And by then D was in on it. They were very quiet, but I knew something was up. My friend and I had discussed starting to go out to shoot photos or doing some things together that are more creative as we are both in need of some soul feeding activities. And before he left he gave me another hug and said "see ya later babe". I laughed, as that was something that started as a joke a few years ago when I ran into him at an event and he was clearly drunk and he called me babe. He was initially mortified that happened and then it just became a funny thing that stuck.

He has a fantastic name - it seems like one of those celebrity made up names that rolls of the tongue. And it is not that difficult to figure out how to say his last name. It is an easy one to sound out. Months ago he had told me people butchered it, so he came in so ticked and said he was going to change his last name to the translation to which I burst out laughing. He looked at me and I said it sounded like a bad 70's porn name.

When he had left, I saw my kids in full velociraptor mode. He is only the second man I have had at the house for any length of time and it would seem the friend's GF thought this was perhaps my boyfriend. The kids know this guy. They didn't let on. And the poor young woman fell into their trap and said he was really handsome and clearly he makes me laugh. She was going on and on. And S said that yes, they know he will be around and have conceded it is okay that he breaks the age threshold by several years, as he is 27. All the while, I had no idea that this had transpired and I too fell into the trap. After about a half an hour, I suddenly realized that the goofballs had pulled not only me into the web, but this poor young woman.

It would lead to me accepting a dinner invite from another friend of mine I haven't seen in over a year. She was in town and we met at a place that has outdoor dining and is very strict about protocol. She knows my friend from a different circle. She is an amazing artist. It felt good to be around adults today and ones that are creative and all about positive things in life. They are both very connected to nature and the conversations with her at dinner were about those moments that you cannot explain and both having this need to feed our souls. She has so many commissions right now that her love life is suffering. She is heartbroken and told me she broke up with her boyfriend because she cannot give him the time he deserves. She is coming this way again because my F decided to part with my uncle's kiln, which shocked me. My F has another one, but this one has memories attached to it, but he knows it will be in the right hands.

I came home and found myself feeling rejuvenated, and have some sense of being able to somehow see parts of my path a bit clearer again. I know what I need to do to get back on track in terms of my own self care. I don't know what employment will look like. It doesn't matter in this moment, as maybe the universe is giving me a break. I know myself well enough to know that I will do what I have to in order to keep my bills paid. I can budget and am not afraid of scrimping and saving if need be. It is not what I dream of, but I don't care about some fancy title. I have held plenty of titles over the years, like Executive Director - big whoop. The only sense of pride I ever had was in what I accomplished at that job, when they gave me the title, it didn't change what I was doing. It looks good on a resume, but it never fed my soul.

The kids went out tonight to a socially distanced bonfire. They will behave, they always do. S was already assuring me he was DD, and they never get plastered anyways. He also told me he would be home early and what roads they would be traveling, as the deer are running.

It left me in a quiet house with a lot of time to ponder. My gay best friend - yup he will come and sit with me by the fire pit. He and I can debate, etc. And he gives really good hugs. He is a friend in my inner circle. Not necessarily in my innermost, but he is darn close. He needs me right now too. I know that. The isolation and his own break up a few years back has him in a weird place. And he and I are not people that need lots of friends. He is very much like me.

The kids, before they left, came in and gave me a hug and said that they were glad to see me hanging out with my friend. They know the reality. Then they told me that they know it still is not the same as having a special someone. And that is true. I don't want to be like my other friend who is breaking up with her boyfriend because she doesn't have time. Her life is out of balance the other way right now. I know she will figure it out, but at what cost?

IDK - I think today, the reality I am seeing is I like sharing my life, but I am not comfortable letting anyone into my life. I will never be one to just let anyone come to my house and open myself up to sharing those aspects. It is how I am wired. It is about instinct, a connection and a trust I cannot explain.
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