Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Every storm runs out of rain - 3

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#20: September 05, 2020, 02:19:04 PM
I have been focusing the past few days on being more present in the moment and paying attention to things that are gentle reminders. Those things that bring me back to a sense of some direction.

I think I always visualized my path in life as one that ran through a woods, with vines and a trail that sometimes needed to be discovered under my feet. With twists and turns. Obstacles like flowing water and things I might have to climb over. The landscape sometimes was rocky or seemed to have a fog, but somehow I always pictured it like a hike through a woods. Or at least that is how I imagined it. But, the couple of months, if I were to illustrate it and paint a picture, it has often felt like being in a desert with dust storms rolling in. Nothing for miles and no clear path whatsoever. And at times there were things that would happen, but I am not sure if they were just mirages or existed. And, this particular image has left me thirsty for something else.

I am more comfortable with the idea of my path being like a hike with the changing landscape as opposed to the desert. The desert image was too vast and no clear path for me. It left me unsettled.

I have realized it is on me to change that landscape. For me, that means focusing on the things that seem to make some sense. Or to pay attention to the positive things in my life. To embrace those little moments. Those post-it notes from God, as Treasur calls them. I have been so busy looking at the desert landscape that I have missed a few.

Moments like last night, I need to journal to just solidify the feelings I had last night. The sense of peace and calm. There was no need to worry about where the path is leading, because in that moment, I knew that was where I needed to be.

Today, I had agreed to working at the gallery. I have really tried to back away from Saturdays, knowing how once I offered, Miss Management in the past has taken advantage of my willingness to help out. I really don't want to work on the weekends if I can avoid it. I had at one point made those my days. The kids were often busy on the weekends, so it was easier for me to eek out some time for myself. I am not sure with this new schedule at home if that is true, but I am going to attempt to reclaim at least one weekend day to do as I please.

And, I am reclaiming my Wednesday evenings starting this week. Figure drawing has been going on for awhile, via Zoom, but that didn't interest me. I spent so much time on the computer for the online classes this semester, that I needed to take a break from it. Now that in person classes are starting up, I decided to participate. It will be odd on one hand, as the constraints and rules will take some getting used to. And, I am very cautious and I know this particular group - they will all adhere to the rules, even if they themselves don't necessarily agree with it. It is a group that respects the rules and the other people in the group.

This afternoon has been particularly busy and when it wasn't busy, I was trying to untangle a mess in the inventory. There was a lull in the foot traffic and I had just figured out where the mistake was made when the front door opened. I stood up and in came 2 men. I locked eyes with the one guy, and I heard him say my name. It took me a minute, as he is completely gray and with the mask it made it more difficult, but I knew the voice was familiar. I was shocked and felt this complete feeling of happiness. How he recognized me after all of these years is beyond me.

We haven't seen each other in probably 15 years and yet, our lives have often intersected with common people we know. I had come across his name several times in the news, as he is an avid runner.

I had dated his cousin "Mr. Hollywood" for a very short time many years ago and when Xh and I were first married, we spent a great deal of time with him, helping him with some PR for his own art work. He and I crossed paths at some point before MLC hit Xh.

I pass by his house from time to time and have wondered how he is, but he was never home when I went by. He has never been in the gallery. He asked me how Xh was. I said I really couldn't answer that and said we were no longer together. What I saw on his face was pure shock and he said he didn't see that coming, as we seemed like the perfect couple. I laughed and said that it would seem Xh had a very different idea, wanting out of being a F and a husband. But, I assured him I was really okay and in a good place now. And, I am. The mention of Xh doesn't upset me. I don't want to recount the destruction.

As we talked, he mentioned "Mr Hollywood" and how he had been in town. I told him I knew that and he had at one point contacted me a couple of years ago. His gaze told me what I already knew and that is his cousin is not the man for me. I laughed and told him not to worry, I had no intention of going down that path. He laughed, telling me that his cousin didn't deserve a woman like me and would never appreciate me.

He was here for a long time and he introduced me to his partner, who he has been with for several years now.

Seeing him was what I needed. He is an artist who is very in tune with nature and is such a positive person. He is a person who holds many of the same values I do and he was on the fast track on the gallery scene, but he pulled back when it was apparent people wanted him to churn out a formulation. He is true to himself and he is not a materialistic person, yet life has blessed him. He looked so content.

It was one of those moments where I knew that it was hard to dismiss this as coincidence. I rarely work on Saturdays and today, he decided to set foot in this gallery, having never been here, which he noted was strange as he has been to every other gallery in the region at some point. He was not sure why he has missed this one, as it has been here for years.

His visit was a gift. I needed the reminder of the people in my life that I have encountered who are full of kindness and embrace the good things life has to offer. And, seeing him reminded me of my own work and where I need to channel some of my own energy. What I need to do to fuel my soul.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 05, 2020, 02:29:21 PM by MourningDove »

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#21: September 06, 2020, 06:56:09 PM
I had made plans to snag the day for myself, but it didn't go that way, at least not the whole day. ::)

My M called this morning and they needed some help with the invoice for the commission. The file for invoices was on their older computer. So, I told her I would come up and just create a new one for them, as I realized booting up the older computer and updating the file would take me twice as long.

As I was doing that, my F came in flustered because the plasteline he has is not the right consistency for this size piece and mixing it from scratch is very time consuming and under the current pandemic situation it is a bit of a challenge to just get in the car and get supplies. So, I started searching online for professional grade plasteline that we could have shipped if need be. There is a local supplier, but currently, we realized they are in an area where there has been rioting, so that just seemed like a bad idea.

While we were discussing that conundrum, my M mentioned a couple of items that were from my great aunt's estate that were still in storage. They are things that belong in a museum and my parents, upon my suggestion contacted 2 museums who are thrilled as they don't have either of those items. So, I photographed them and sent images for the museum directors. My parents will be able to travel to those locations safely, being able to just drop them off curbside and it will give them a couple of field trips over the next week or two.

As I was finishing up, my F suddenly remembered before the Covid shutdown he was slated to do a demonstration at the place where he teaches his community classes and he was going to use his own supplies. In the storage closet, he would have left several pounds of plasteline. So, I offered to go help him go and pick up the slabs.

We found them and went from there to the hardware store to pick up parts for S, who was installing the second garage door today. S's friend had been there all day with him, helping with the door and they are attacking my F's studio space, rearranging the spaces now that the addition has been done.

As we were out, my F and I had a good talk. And, I mentioned I was craving a milkshake. He got this grin on his face and did a quick turn saying he knew where we should go. There is a local ice cream place that always runs a special Labor Day Weekend where they sell their Root beer floats for $1. He quickly told me not to tell my M. I laughed and said his secret was safe with me. LOL.

We sat drove down the to the canal and sat outside on a bench. He told me stories about some of the old buildings and we had a good talk about life in general.

I was home for about 15 minutes when I realized D would need my car tomorrow and I had been searching for bee spray for S, who had found hornets had built a nest in the trailer he is restoring. It is a hot commodity it seems, as everywhere we have checked have been sold out. It was getting late, but I also knew that meant it would be much quieter at the one farm supply store. It is a hike for me to get there, but I decided a drive was a nice idea. And it was a good choice. It felt a bit normal. Some of the corn fields are already being harvested and I took all back roads. I was in and out of the farm store quickly and I was right they had a large supply.

It allowed me to meander home and just enjoy the drive.

S was home when I arrived and so happy I had found the bee spray, since he has not been able to even walk by the trailer during the day. He was planning on waiting until the night time to blast the nests, as the cool air would make the bees less active. He worked a bit longer and I went out and asked what he and his friend wanted to do about dinner. We were going back and forth and then I suggested we go out. S was shocked. We have all been very careful. When I told him where we should go, he laughed and said that made sense.

The restaurant I had suggested is one where I know the owner. We have been fortunate to live in an area with fairly low numbers of Covid, in part because of the natural distance in the country, but many of the businesses and the like took it pretty seriously. The restaurant, I knew would be really quiet on a Sunday night, around 7 and the owner took a strong stance early on. He took out an ad in the paper and said that these were the rules and if you couldn't adhere to them, then you weren't welcome. I know he runs a tight ship and offers outside dining. When we arrived, there were only 3 tables set up outside and the busboy came over and wiped everything down before we were even allowed to come be seated.

We sat outside for a couple of hours, as the waiter said there was no one else around, so we didn't have to rush. The street was quiet and for the first time in months it felt sort of normal.

Now, as S, his friend and I agreed, we don't want to run out and go to a whole slew of restaurants any time soon, this was at least somewhat comforting knowing people were at least taking it seriously, even if they themselves have other views, they were respecting that other people may feel differently. And, I wasn't surprised, as the owner and manager have always been that mentality.

I came home, walked the dog and then flipped the desk right side up, as the oil was finally dry on the underside. Tomorrow I will put the final coat on the top of the desk. I have most of the day to myself as D and S both have classes. Since I got my parent's projects out of the way, I should be in the clear for a couple of days. My F is not planning on working until Tuesday, so hopefully, my day will truly be my own.  :)
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10429
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#22: September 07, 2020, 08:13:56 AM
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#23: September 07, 2020, 12:45:06 PM
UrsaMajor. Yes, these happen to be hornets and S knows they don't like to play nice. LOL.

Seeing that clip makes me glad no one got my "bee adventure" caught on any recording. I must have looked like a tearing my clothes off on the back deck. I am so careful now near that part of the back yard. I got rid of the nest, but I will admit to being rather paranoid now. LOL.

D told her BF that I must really like him. My day has been quiet, but I have been focused on one project at the moment. And, D knows that the amount of time and care I am taking says loads about how I feel about her BF. Yah, he is a good guy and he certainly has proven how much he loves D. He has an unmeasurable amount of patience when she has her anxiety attacks and doesn't enable her. It is not a codependent relationship, but one where they respect each other's strengths and weaknesses.

He had started coaching back before Covid. He was asked by one of his former coaches to join the team and the school hired him. He was doing remarkably well and it helped him decide to go back to college to pursue a career in physical education.

D's BF had a scholarship to a well known university to play lacrosse. Problem was, his academics suffered, as the pressure to play and he was young. He bombed his first semester, having partied and goofed off. He left feeling like he was stupid. He had wanted to study something in business, thinking that was his forte. When he bombed out, he went to work full time, but he didn't think he would go back to school. He and D started dating and I will admit she kicked his butt when he would say he wasn't smart. His younger B was a star athlete and academically things came easy, where it seems her BF had some learning issues. But, D pushed him to take a couple of classes and to go talk to his former coach about helping out.

He ended up going to get some help in the learning center after D encouraged him and he learned how to study for his learning style. He went back full time and ended up on Dean's List both semesters and when he aced one particular class, I laughed. Very few people make it through the medical class Anatomy and Physiology the first round. He had an A.  He just understood it completely.

He was redoing his bedroom all summer. Putting in new flooring and setting the room up for the reality that online learning was going to have to happen. I had given him the top section of the modular desk I bought from my sister. I only wanted the file cabinets and was left with a top. He designed some shelving units and repurposed the desktop. It looks fantastic. When I asked him if he was happy with it, he answered "it is like a dream come true". I thought he was kidding, but it would seem the corner desk system was just what he has been wanting and allows him a perfect work surface for his needs.

So, when D happened to mention he had all of these things from his high school career in a drawer, she and I talked about it. She brought them to me and we came up with a plan to put them in frames and shadow boxes. He lettered in 3 sports and had multiple pins and extra patches. The types of things that mean nothing to me, but I know for him they are things to be proud of. D knew that this was not a simple process. She knew that when I said I was going to do this for him, it meant it was going to be properly preserved. And, she was right. I ordered all archival materials and covered the backing in fabric, tacking each patch to the backer with thread. It is time consuming.

She came home after I had been at it for 4 hours today. I am at the point where I am putting the paper on the back to keep the dust off from creeping into the pieces and putting proper hangers on each piece. I have done 5 pieces.

D's mentioned the last piece I did for Xh. Ah, piece is lucky I didn't take my frustrations out on it. I spent days on that. Building a stretcher that was 6' x 6', with all of the braces in the back to make sure it would not warp. Then, I covered the stretcher with fabric and attached a textile Xh had brought home from Costa Rica years ago. I gave it to him for Christmas the year of BD#2. My thoughtfulness was given no real acknowledgement. In the past, he would have been thrilled. That piece sat in storage for years and he had wanted it stretched.

It hangs in the media room. It is a lovely piece. I am hoping the kids will want it someday. Right now it doesn't bother me in terms of the Xh connection. I like it for what it is - a very colorful piece of artwork and the media room can handle larger pieces.

At some point, I may put something else there, but for now it is fine.

D is right though. I don't just offer to frame things, as it is not something I love doing. But, I know D's BF needs these reminders. He earned those things and they are special to him.

I am okay with spending my "me time" on this project today. Yah, D is right. He is a special guy and I guess I must approve of him - LOL.
  • Logged

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#24: September 07, 2020, 07:23:30 PM
S came home a bit earlier than usual from classes. He said they were out early and he was able to hit the traffic before it got too insane. The toll road he said was busier than it has been, although not nearly as busy as it has been in past years.

He went out to the garage to work until the sun disappeared for the day. He came in and sat down watching me working away on the frames. He smiled when he saw I was redoing some pieces that he and D had done as kids. There were 2 small paintings that D made for me for Mother's Day back in 2011 and a piece S had made in second grade. I have had them up for years and people have asked me several times what gallery I purchased them at. LOL.

I never kept every piece the kids created, but I do have a box of special pieces and stories they have written. I photographed some of the dioramas that were particularly memorable.

S sat for a long time and started talking about his projects in the garage. S was very small when my M's father died, but he has some very specific memories of him. Going to see him at the nursing home and cleaning out the house when my grandmother decided she wanted to move into assisted living. When my grandmother had us clean out the house, no one wanted my grandfather's tools, as my cousins thought they were just old junk and my sister had no use for them. But, Xh decided that S would like them to play with and maybe some day would love the old wrenches. And S has them hanging up in the garage. He also inherited a bench vice that was my grandfather's. Tonight S said he was going to go back and refurbish it, as it needs to be cleaned up.

As we chatted about some of the tools S has from my grandfather, he mentioned that Xh had an epic meltdown last night. I laughed to myself thinking of course he did. And, in some ways it isn't funny, because there is clearly something about this time of year that just riles him up. FOO issues that he doesn't deal with that keep festering. The amusing part to me was it wasn't a trigger for me, but looking back, I realize that this was a common issue after Xh's M died. The school year would roll around and Xh would go into a manic clean the garage out stage. It wasn't just a move to organize, but if it wasn't nailed down, it ended up by the road to give away. And, there were times, I would go out and ask him if he had lost his mind. He would get frustrated and just start throwing things away without thought.

I can recall one time he had kept his tax records in a Rubbermaid tote in the upper storage loft. He was ready to throw that out and I stopped him, knowing that he hadn't even looked in that tote to see that perhaps he might actually need those if heaven forbid he was audited. They were not papers that were at the point where it was not an issue.

He rolled a new push lawn mower out to the road side. I told him he was clearly losing his mind. What would we use to mow the embankment, etc. He had no clue. He stared at me like I was speaking some foreign language.

And antiques that I ended up putting in my car and taking to the antique dealer to sell.

It was like this every fall for as long as I can remember. And then when a couple of months would go by he would come in spitting and sputtering about what had happened to this or that.

And that was the only time of year where we would see this behavior. Until MLC, and then it was a regular occurrence.

I guess I just learned that was his way of coping with things and rolled with it.

So maybe the amusement I was feeling was that clearly things haven't changed and more looking at myself and thinking that I really missed some big clues.

But then, it is my nature to accept certain things about people I love and just learn to roll with it. I knew that was a once a year meltdown and it drove me crazy, but for a very long time the rest of the year before MLC it was not like that. Looking back, it was a big red flag - LOL.

So S informs me Xh has decided he can't handle all of the projects in his workshop and he is needing to get rid of things. Some of them are S things. So, like it has happened before, S has to go and grab those things before Xh puts S's antique motorcycles out by the roadside.

What had changed with MLC, was Xh goes into these extreme buying stages and it is obsessive. Like when he got into motorcycles. First he built one. He left that here at the house. Not sure why. But, then he bought a vintage Harley followed by at least 7 motorcycles. Then it was antique cars. I can't keep track of all of the British vintage cars that were here. We had a minimum of 5 MGs and MGAs at one point. A Triumph Spitfire came and went. Then there were trucks and other cars. It was madness. FIL didn't help - he told Xh it was a good investment and a way to make money. My cousins restore vehicles and knew all too well that there can be money in it, but you actually have to know the market and these cars were often beyond just basic repairs.

S just shook his head and said to me "must be early September. Dad is right on schedule".

The conversation turned to this weekend. I forgot S had asked if he could bring his friend's dog here for the weekend. S's friend is standing up for his F who is getting married again and S said he would watch the 7 month old puppy. I was laughing because I think it is a conspiracy. He showed me the puppy. She has been here before but she was much smaller. She still likes to be cradled like a baby and is extremely snuggly. Oh, I am in trouble.  ::)

As it is my own dog has retrained me. She has figured out that the walks are much shorter. She now asks to go out multiple times a day. It used to be we went out about 2-3 times a day when it was for longer walks, which I still stick to. Yah, the past couple of days, she has the kids and I out at least 6 times and for walks. I did manage to get a full walk in with her tonight, as it has cooled off enough that her breathing was not nearly as labored.

I guess the upside is it will get me back outside and walking more. I have so wanted to go on longer hikes. Maybe if the weather is cooler I will dare take her. If not, it would seem I will have access to a puppy this weekend that needs energy run off.  ;)
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10429
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#25: September 08, 2020, 12:02:23 AM
xH sounds like a "Binge and Purge" person....

Sounds like S needs to get his stuff out of the way before xH has it all gone... but it does have the whiff of manic behaviour about it, doesn't it?  So odd.... I guess if one could figure out what the "fall trigger" is, one could find ways to relieve the pressure but that would entail xH actually looking at the situation, realizing there is an issue, and then choosing to work on solving it...

Much easier I suspect to blame someone (ANYONE) or something else than to look in the mirror and work on himself....

I hope that S can get his stuff out of harms way before it goes the way of the great white buffalo.... ::)
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10572
  • Gender: Female
Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#26: September 08, 2020, 01:57:01 AM
Well, I guess it must be reassuring that others see the same pattern, Mourning.  :) And presumably your son will eventually learn to not store things there....or not after August   ::)
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#27: September 08, 2020, 11:16:08 AM
UrsaMajor & Treasur - Realizing it is not just me who sees it and observed Xh's change in behavior does help. It is a sad reality, and not a "haha, I told you so" sort of attitude I am feeling, but more of a sense of knowing I didn't imagine these things.

It has sometimes been hard to sort out what parts were MLC related and others that might have been things that were present all along or maybe were flaws in the marriage. What things did I contribute to? That is not always an easy thing to do - to look at your own flaws and how you handled things. I know that I enabled the behaviors later on. I dismissed them too much when they started. Or accepted them and brushed it off as just how Xh was coping. But the truth was, he wasn't really coping at all. And, I don't think any of my actions would have mattered. He wouldn't have necessarily listened to me. There was no reasoning with him when he got that way. It was easier to walk away and let him do his thing and to look over the pile of things along the road and to pull out those things I knew he didn't mean to throw out.

And, that was stupid on my part. It was like treating him like a kid in those moments. And, in reality, it was not a pleasant experience to be a witness of his meltdowns. I should have in some ways let him fall flat on his face and let him throw the things out. Maybe he would have stepped back and said later that was a stupid thing to do, but I highly doubt it.

If nothing else, it makes me think about my own response and my own feelings. I don't expect relationships to be without ups and downs. I don't expect there will never be moments where I might feel incredibly deeply or not know what to do for the ones I love. I expect there will still be times I will be wanting to help absorb the pain. That is part of who I am, but I am more realistic about what I can and cannot control.

But, being away from Xh's madness now for 4 years since he moved out, where I don't have to witness the crazy, manic clean it all out moment is refreshing. I am all for purging and simplifying, but not in a manner that is as if the ship is sinking and you have to throw what you can overboard. It is not an event I miss in the least. Because with the manic haul out came the epic monster moments as well. And then he would shut down for days where you couldn't talk to him.

It is perhaps what often sets me off when I feel shut out and ignored. And, separating out the reality that I am not dealing with Xh is sometimes hard. It is just a response I feel and it makes those discarded feelings bubble to the surface just enough that I have to work through them. They are not the same type of triggers they once were, but they still creep in.

Toxic Aunt called this morning and I decided to pick up the phone. She asked me if I wanted any more tomatoes. My uncle has had an over-abundance of them this year. I laughed and said D's plants have gone crazy and we eat tomatoes morning, noon and night as it is. D froze some and made sauce last week.

My aunt was actually mildly pleasant today and had called out of concern. She and my M met yesterday at the cemetery, as it was the anniversary of when my grandmother passed away 10 years ago. My aunt mentioned my M looks frail and very pale. I noted the same thing. I think some of it is my M feels useless. She and I have had words lately, primarily because she is obsessing over things and it is because she is, IMO, unable to drive at the moment and is restricted in her activities. There is no gardening she can do. Reading is still tough because her eyesight is improving enough that now her glasses are messed up on the one lens. She tried audio books, but that is not holding her attention. She went to watch TV and the cable was out yesterday, so that frustrated her.

I walked up to my parent's after getting off of the phone call with my aunt. My F had shifted our work plans to take my M out for the morning and it seemed to have done her some good. Right away my M offered to feed me. I wasn't really wanting food, but acts of service are definitely my M's love language, so I said I would eat something. And she lit up and was scurrying around. I didn't even bother to ask if I could help her as I knew she would get upset thinking I was saying something about her not being capable. She sat down and I asked her about a photo my aunt mentioned to me. I never mentioned my aunt being concerned, just that she called asking about tomatoes. My M went to find her phone and was complaining how weak she felt lately that even her purse seemed heavier. Then she burst out laughing. In the one compartment was a bag of scrabble-like tiles that she had brought with her on vacation for the kids to play with. They weighed quite a bit and she had thought she left them at the cottage accidentally. She has fretted over those tiles for weeks now.

She finally sat down and I said that I have noticed she has lost a significant amount of weight, which my M has always been slender. My bigger concern as I told her was she has not been able to go to the gym with Covid and now with her time of having to be cautious has made her lose muscle mass. My M has horrible osteoporosis, something my sister and I have not had issues with. My M started having problems in her 50s. So, I said that was it - she and I are going to walk every day. She needs to get out for the physical exercise, as do I and I think she needs it mentally. She started to be express concern about my responsibilities and I laughed and asked her where did I really have to be right now? School starts tomorrow, but I will be waving at my students as they go by.

I will fit in walks for myself, but I realize in order to save my own sanity, I do need to make time for my M. I think she will worry less if she is out in the fresh air and getting exercise. This being holed up and watching the news constantly is not healthy, and I know she will benefit, as I have from being outside. It will also give my F a break, as I know he has told me how worried he is about her.

The beauty is, I can probably convince her to go with me to where D goes to school and we can walk in the village and get coffee. It will be safe for her with being outside and we can avoid people.

IDK, maybe this is how things are supposed to unfold. I keep desiring other things and life just seems to be throwing monkey wrenches into the mix.

This afternoon I had a text from my now former coworker. Him being "former" changes nothing as far as our friendship. I have spent the better part of my day helping S on a project for D - stripping her extra set of rims of her car for her new tires. Her car still has the snow tires on it and S had an extra set of rims he acquired that the new tires can go on. Someone had painted the alloy rims, so they just need to be cleaned up. It would seem my coworker drove by and saw my glamorous outfit of cutoffs, t-shirt, flip flops and a pair of orange rubber gloves up to my elbows. I was using industrial paint stripper and a wire brush on the rims. He sent me a text and said he beeped when he drove by. I must have been deep in thought because I didn't pay any attention. I figured it was the neighbor kid - LOL. He said the outfit I had on was really stunning - and I looked beautiful. Yah, I said "it is a look"  ::)

My M texted after that and clearly is excited. Wants to know when we are going for our walk and where. LOL.  I may have created a monster. LOL
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 08, 2020, 12:25:45 PM by MourningDove »

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 4714
  • Gender: Female
Re: Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#28: September 08, 2020, 05:01:32 PM
I have been pushing myself to get back to even short walks. The pandemic and online learning so derailed my regular daily pace and then it just carried over. If I look back over the summer, my motivation would come and go. I would feel energized to do projects, but often times I would suddenly find myself lacking motivation completely. My guess is it was just my body and brain just crashing for a bit. But, the problem always is finding the motivation and desire to get back to what might be to some deemed as exercise.

These shorter walks with the dog, while annoying on the one hand, maybe are a good thing. They have made me go out for shorter times and work up the energy to want to walk farther. The past 2 nights I have felt particularly charged up to walk more, even if it is only up and down the road. I found myself embracing the things I had so gravitated to post BD - the things that saved my sanity and filled my soul.

With the cooler weather at night, it seems the dog is able to handle the longer walks. It goes at a slower pace and I have to accept the moments where she wants to pause and sniff the blades of grass. I have come to accept these walks are not going to be done in a short amount of time. And maybe that is okay. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me to just embrace the moments.

Tonight the clouds were moving at a pretty rapid pace across the sky, and a breeze had the wheat field rippling and undulating like ocean waves. The light was perfect. I didn't bother to take any pictures only because I was truly starting to get lost in the moment.

As I came over the knoll I looked towards the hill I have painted a dozen times if not more. The one that has been one of the things that has held my attention the way the light hits. What I saw made me stop and just stare. The dog, I think she thought I needed a rest. She didn't protest and laid down, which is unusual.

The sun had dropped in the sky so it was starting to become dark, but on the hill, it looked like a ghost floating across the hillside. Then, 4 more figures in black emerged. I had a hard time focusing, as they were far enough away it was hard to make out what was going on.

I stood and stared for a very long time. I realized it was the family that has moved into the small house that used to be a farm house down the main road. The hillside is the back of their property. What I realized was 3 of the figures were little kids, running along the hillside. The others were a man and woman - the woman was wearing a long white dress. It looked like a wedding gown almost. And the couple was running along with the kids and then would stop to embrace.

It was as if I was watching a scene from some romantic historical film. I could not take my eyes off of the family and their pure joy.

I am torn now. I am happy for them and it brought me a feeling of peace and hope. With all that is messed up in the world right now, it was a welcome sight. But, part of me felt this longing.

I have shaken it off and will instead focus on the fact that in the past 2 days, I have almost gotten back to the number of steps I was up to during post BD. I was in amazing shape during those months. No, I don't want to go on the BD diet and lose too much weight again, but I feel mentally and physically better. I would not feel the same way going to the gym. I know that I find more peace within myself throwing myself back out into nature. I have to sometimes remind myself of that.
  • Logged

  • *
  • Mentor
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10429
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Every storm runs out of rain - 3
#29: September 09, 2020, 07:04:47 AM
Quote from: MourningDove
And, in reality, it was not a pleasant experience to be a witness of his meltdowns. I should have in some ways let him fall flat on his face and let him throw the things out. Maybe he would have stepped back and said later that was a stupid thing to do, but I highly doubt it.
Nope.... and you know it... He would have blamed you for "disappearing" whatever it was he had thrown away... It is called "revisionist History" and something that Mid-Lifers are VERY good at doing....

The Hillside Scene has an almost surreal feel about it because it represents a lot of what WE had as our outlook before our Mid-Lifers went off the rails on the crazy train.....

At least now though, you have given mom something to do....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.